To all my single moms out there.. who:
1. Wake up at the butt crack of dawn because your children haven't learned the meaning of sleeping in... since you're the only one there, they either wake you up to tell you they are up... or get in bed with you.. which wakes you up anyway.
2. Can swear you've somehow taken home a baby from a third-world country the day you left the hospital because all you hear ALL DAY LONG is Mom I'm hungry... I'm hungry... I'm hungry... what's for breakfast? What's for lunch? What's for dinner? Can I have a snack? I'm thirsty! Juice! Juice!
3. Try to figure out how to make your one paycheck pay the rent, daycare, gas, food, clothes, toiletries, diapers, bottles, food, gas, food, gas, etc. etc. etc. ... oh and that much needed bottle of liquor stashed in the freezer if you can manage to have extra change.
4. Wants to beat the shit out of the single dad that drops their kids off at school because all the married and childless women gawk and praise him for being such a great father for taking on the responsibility of caring for his children... as they practically strip the kids from his arms and start caring for them because that single dad is a poor unfortunate soul that has nobody to help him, because he's working a full-time job AND raising his children. How dare his children's mother not be in their life? That bitch! This poor poor man. Now THAT's a REAL man. A single dad. One step beneath God. <a true single mom will understand the sarcasm in this>
5. Comes home from working an 8-12hr shift just to clean up the house, cook dinner, check homework, give baths/showers, etc. etc. etc. just to crash on the bed/sofa to wake up and start all over again.
6. Gets to go out with the girls once or twice a year... but has to truly manage her money because she practically dropped her entire paycheck to the babysitter crazy enough to watch her kids overnight so she can finally get shitfaced and wasted.. just to be forced to sober up faster than the average chick because she has to pick up her kids in the morning, take them home, feed them breakfast, get them dressed, etc. etc. etc.
7. Dreams of plastic surgery and a suga daddy at LEAST 10 times a day.
8. Forgets their own size in clothing because the only clothes she has bought lately came from the children's section.
9. Can date the last time they had sex... oh wait... nahhh that was WAY too long ago. Paying a sitter for a booty call just isn't worth it. We'd rather pay for SLEEP, QUIET, and going to the grocery store BY OURSELF!
10. DVRs all her shows because the TV is left on Nickelodeon, Disney, Cartoon Network... you get the point.
11. Wishes for ONCE that she can sit on the toilet without a child knocking on the door, talking through the door, or sitting outside of the door while she goes.
12. Designates a stash of goodies (i.e. cookies, brownies, chips, wine) that are MOMMIES and are off limits to the kids.
13. Can't help but wonder who in their right mind would take her on as their woman... knowing she got a crazy kid(s). Umm the RIGHT man of course! He's out there SOMEWHERE.
<more to come as I think of them.. right now it's late and I am tired>
Sole Mate
What exactly is a soulmate? Do you truly believe they exist? Who is your soulmate? Are you with your soulmate? If so... how do you know? If not... and you know who they are... why aren't you together? If not.. and you don't know who they are... well.. nevermind 'cause you can't predict the unknown.
Anyway... I question whether there is a such thing as a soulmate. I believe God has someone intended for me.. but does that mean they are my soulmate? What is the definition of a soulmate?
According to Websters Dictionary:
1. a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
Mmmmm WTF is THAT supposed to mean???
So because I am seriously wondering what da hell a soulmate really is... I decided to go to Urban Dictionary to get a much needed laugh.. in order to break this seriousness-questioning-moment down into a fun learning lesson. To my surprise... Urban Dictionary actually gave me a VERY good answer. In fact, there were SEVERAL good answers by people explaining what a soulmate is. This one was my favorite:
A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.
Can we say WOW. I completely agree. I can actually relate to this definition and it is cuh-RAY-zee. Now don't get me wrong, I have not experienced the love portion just yet... it ain't been that deep yet folks! I am at the very beginning phase of experiencing what a soulmate is. There are several things in this definition that I completely relate to: "you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before".. "brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them".. and "you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful."
According to Urban Dictionary... I believe I may have met my soulmate. According to Webster's Dictionary, I have a whole lotta soulmates running around lol. I think I relate to a lot of people in temperament.. but what is it that would make any ONE person unique??? C'mon Webster... get it tuh-getha.
Any hoo... so back to my soulmate... so I guess my question is.. if the feeling of a "soulmate" is only coming from one person... does that mean the other person is NOT their soulmate? I have no idea if the other person is thinking the same thing I am... but then again... if they are truly my soulmate, then I guess they WOULD be thinking the same thing. Hmmmmmmmmmm
What makes THIS person so damn special? Why HIM and not another? What if I am wrong... THEN what? Will the true one still be around.. I guess so because there is supposedly only one soulmate... a SOLE mate.
I hope you do realize that I can go back and forth on this topic forever lol... that's exactly why I entitled it sole mate. 'Cause I'ma analyze the shit out of my soulmate and end up by my DAMN self! a true SOLE MATE. smh. I have issues... I know... going to bed. GNITE!
Anyway... I question whether there is a such thing as a soulmate. I believe God has someone intended for me.. but does that mean they are my soulmate? What is the definition of a soulmate?
According to Websters Dictionary:
1. a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
Mmmmm WTF is THAT supposed to mean???
So because I am seriously wondering what da hell a soulmate really is... I decided to go to Urban Dictionary to get a much needed laugh.. in order to break this seriousness-questioning-moment down into a fun learning lesson. To my surprise... Urban Dictionary actually gave me a VERY good answer. In fact, there were SEVERAL good answers by people explaining what a soulmate is. This one was my favorite:
A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.
Can we say WOW. I completely agree. I can actually relate to this definition and it is cuh-RAY-zee. Now don't get me wrong, I have not experienced the love portion just yet... it ain't been that deep yet folks! I am at the very beginning phase of experiencing what a soulmate is. There are several things in this definition that I completely relate to: "you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before".. "brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them".. and "you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful."
According to Urban Dictionary... I believe I may have met my soulmate. According to Webster's Dictionary, I have a whole lotta soulmates running around lol. I think I relate to a lot of people in temperament.. but what is it that would make any ONE person unique??? C'mon Webster... get it tuh-getha.
Any hoo... so back to my soulmate... so I guess my question is.. if the feeling of a "soulmate" is only coming from one person... does that mean the other person is NOT their soulmate? I have no idea if the other person is thinking the same thing I am... but then again... if they are truly my soulmate, then I guess they WOULD be thinking the same thing. Hmmmmmmmmmm
What makes THIS person so damn special? Why HIM and not another? What if I am wrong... THEN what? Will the true one still be around.. I guess so because there is supposedly only one soulmate... a SOLE mate.
I hope you do realize that I can go back and forth on this topic forever lol... that's exactly why I entitled it sole mate. 'Cause I'ma analyze the shit out of my soulmate and end up by my DAMN self! a true SOLE MATE. smh. I have issues... I know... going to bed. GNITE!
Just Me
My thoughts are all over the place. I start to write one thing.. scratch that. Write something else. Scratch that.. I forget where I was going with it. Scratch that.. it's not at the forefront of my brain.
FOCUS. What is pressing so hard against my scull.. trying to break free? What is it that I MUST get out at this very moment.. in this very blog.
It's just me. I started to write a poem about it... but it just wasn't flowing because my thoughts are so scattered that the phrases just weren't making sense. But then again... it's a poem right.. they hardly ever make sense anyway.
It's just me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. I just know.. it is what it is.. just me. You ever have somebody tell you, "It's not you, it's me." I've said that before... a few times I lied cause lawd knows it was NOT me lol... however, the majority of the time, if I said it.. I meant it. I don't know... remember when I said I was waiting for an answer and I was pretty sure my answer would come real soon? (in a previous blog). Well... I got my answer.
It's just me. And at this point in time... for some reason... it is just supposed to be me. I guess I am okay with that... I mean it DOES make sense. But right now... I'm really not in the mood to make sense. I'm not in the mood to learn another lesson or to have some grand epiphany.. Is it possible to go ONE day without learning something? or realizing something? I guess not. I suppose you should be dead if you really want life to stop. That's basically what life is.. you know this right.. living and learning.. every.freakin.day. Yup.
I am sitting here... in the dark per-say... with my Christmas lights lighting the room. It's beautiful. And just like that... emotional. UGH. I've come along way. And I am okay with it being just me. After all.. I like me.. so its all good. Goodnight.
FOCUS. What is pressing so hard against my scull.. trying to break free? What is it that I MUST get out at this very moment.. in this very blog.
It's just me. I started to write a poem about it... but it just wasn't flowing because my thoughts are so scattered that the phrases just weren't making sense. But then again... it's a poem right.. they hardly ever make sense anyway.
It's just me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. I just know.. it is what it is.. just me. You ever have somebody tell you, "It's not you, it's me." I've said that before... a few times I lied cause lawd knows it was NOT me lol... however, the majority of the time, if I said it.. I meant it. I don't know... remember when I said I was waiting for an answer and I was pretty sure my answer would come real soon? (in a previous blog). Well... I got my answer.
It's just me. And at this point in time... for some reason... it is just supposed to be me. I guess I am okay with that... I mean it DOES make sense. But right now... I'm really not in the mood to make sense. I'm not in the mood to learn another lesson or to have some grand epiphany.. Is it possible to go ONE day without learning something? or realizing something? I guess not. I suppose you should be dead if you really want life to stop. That's basically what life is.. you know this right.. living and learning.. every.freakin.day. Yup.
I am sitting here... in the dark per-say... with my Christmas lights lighting the room. It's beautiful. And just like that... emotional. UGH. I've come along way. And I am okay with it being just me. After all.. I like me.. so its all good. Goodnight.
Endure
If you've never heard the song "Whats coming..." by Deon Kipping... you should go to YouTube right now and listen to this song. I just heard it for the first time. Perfect timing. I honestly have to remind myself every day that what's coming is better than what's been. Don't get me wrong... I'm grateful for now... I'm happy in my now... which makes it possible for better to come.
You ever make a decision where you know it's the right thing to do... but you still don't want to do it? Seems like the story of my life. Not going to go in depth on this one... just listen to the song. About to get my kiddies... until next time.
Keep enduring... He will never fail you.
You ever make a decision where you know it's the right thing to do... but you still don't want to do it? Seems like the story of my life. Not going to go in depth on this one... just listen to the song. About to get my kiddies... until next time.
Keep enduring... He will never fail you.
Dropped the Ball
Last night... very spur of the moment I was invited to a Gospel Comedy Show... or Christian Comedy Show... or a radio show's Comedy Show that threw Gospel on the title to attract more folk. I don't know... but anyway. So I go to this show... VERY funny! I had a great time and had some good laughs! Glad I went because it was a very interesting experience. For this show to be called a Gospel Comedy Show... there was one thing missing... the GOSPEL! I don't remember learning or hearing NOTHING about God. If His name WAS mentioned... it certainly wasn't in a way that would be memorable. No prayers were said... no praise was lifted.. except at the beginning... but anyway...
This show had three comedians.. the first one was funny... second one sucked.. and the third was funny. The host of the show was also funny. It started out with Sheila Bell "Da bell" from the radio show coming out on stage to get the show started. I give her credit because she brought the name of Jesus to the beginning of the show and got the crowd all hyped up for the show to begin. The sad part is... poor lil Jesus was left right there... at the beginning of the show and was never carried on throughout.
The comedians basically put on a show just like I would see at the Funny Bone (a regular comedy club).. the only things they left out were curse words and EXPLICIT sexual content. One or two of the comedians hinted around the sexual content enough where they might have well been explicit... however... I get it... we were in church so I'm sure they feared getting struck by lightening on stage... just like I feared for them as well, after some of the things they said anyway.
The theme of the show was "Sinners and Saints". What did I learn from the show? Everyone is a sinner... therefore we should not judge because some of us are becoming more 'saintly' every day. So basically... keep doing what you're doing.. it's okay to laugh at the dirty jokes... it's okay for the comedians to make fun of the gays, whites and retarded people... because a sinner is just a saint who fell down... but can get up. No harm is done because they are saved and no matter what they do... God still has their back. Oh and did I mention don't judge?? That was a reoccurring phrase throughout the ENTIRE show... said by each comedian and the host too. DO NOT JUDGE! Did you hear me.. DO NOT JUDGE!
So the show was over. The hostess announced some of the comedians were selling merchandise, taking pictures and signing autographs... so don't skip the booths on the way out. And that was that... DISMISSED... show over.
The church where the show was held holds up to 5,000 people. At least 1,000-2,000 people were there last night and everyone paid $20... YOU do the math. Everyone was reminded that time went back an hour because of daylights savings time.. which gave them plenty of time to hit the club after leaving the comedy show. YES, the host said this SEVERAL times. There was no mention that tomorrow (today) was Sunday and we could have been well rested to attend... uhhhhhhh.... hmmmmmm..... CHURCH? I was IN a church... but I was never told the times of service... who the pastor was... I don't even believe the pastor was AT the show because if he/she were... I would hope they would have been a lil perturbed about what just went on.
I'm not knocking the show. I am not going to JUDGE just as I was advised at the show. So then what is my problem? There were over a 1,000 people there last night and I am sure there were MANY who have never been introduced to Christ... let alone have Him in their hearts. Last night was a PERFECT opportunity to share the word! The GOSPEL! The reason why each comedian said they have their job... why they were blessed... and have such wonderful wives and families... because of JESUS! But yet nobody offered to tell the audience HOW to live a life like them! Isn't that the purpose of having Christ in your life... to share the good news with those who do not know Him? It is not up to us to save a person... but as a child of Christ... I thought we have an obligation to make others aware of His presence... and give them the choice to follow or not follow.
St. Paul's, I feel like you guys dropped the ball last night. I'm grateful for the show... I sure you guys are grateful for the paycheck you made... but nowhere in there do I associate your church with the word of God. I believe popularity and money are the core of your beliefs... and God in thrown in there to achieve those things. Unfortunately, this is not just coming from my visit last night. I have attended your church in the past, and last night solidified what I originally felt at my first visit.
For others, that church may do something for them... for me... not so much. I encourage everyone to go see for themselves... if you disagree with my thoughts... cool... you go to that church and I will continue going to mine. I won't judge you... if you don't judge me! Haha :)
This show had three comedians.. the first one was funny... second one sucked.. and the third was funny. The host of the show was also funny. It started out with Sheila Bell "Da bell" from the radio show coming out on stage to get the show started. I give her credit because she brought the name of Jesus to the beginning of the show and got the crowd all hyped up for the show to begin. The sad part is... poor lil Jesus was left right there... at the beginning of the show and was never carried on throughout.
The comedians basically put on a show just like I would see at the Funny Bone (a regular comedy club).. the only things they left out were curse words and EXPLICIT sexual content. One or two of the comedians hinted around the sexual content enough where they might have well been explicit... however... I get it... we were in church so I'm sure they feared getting struck by lightening on stage... just like I feared for them as well, after some of the things they said anyway.
The theme of the show was "Sinners and Saints". What did I learn from the show? Everyone is a sinner... therefore we should not judge because some of us are becoming more 'saintly' every day. So basically... keep doing what you're doing.. it's okay to laugh at the dirty jokes... it's okay for the comedians to make fun of the gays, whites and retarded people... because a sinner is just a saint who fell down... but can get up. No harm is done because they are saved and no matter what they do... God still has their back. Oh and did I mention don't judge?? That was a reoccurring phrase throughout the ENTIRE show... said by each comedian and the host too. DO NOT JUDGE! Did you hear me.. DO NOT JUDGE!
So the show was over. The hostess announced some of the comedians were selling merchandise, taking pictures and signing autographs... so don't skip the booths on the way out. And that was that... DISMISSED... show over.
The church where the show was held holds up to 5,000 people. At least 1,000-2,000 people were there last night and everyone paid $20... YOU do the math. Everyone was reminded that time went back an hour because of daylights savings time.. which gave them plenty of time to hit the club after leaving the comedy show. YES, the host said this SEVERAL times. There was no mention that tomorrow (today) was Sunday and we could have been well rested to attend... uhhhhhhh.... hmmmmmm..... CHURCH? I was IN a church... but I was never told the times of service... who the pastor was... I don't even believe the pastor was AT the show because if he/she were... I would hope they would have been a lil perturbed about what just went on.
I'm not knocking the show. I am not going to JUDGE just as I was advised at the show. So then what is my problem? There were over a 1,000 people there last night and I am sure there were MANY who have never been introduced to Christ... let alone have Him in their hearts. Last night was a PERFECT opportunity to share the word! The GOSPEL! The reason why each comedian said they have their job... why they were blessed... and have such wonderful wives and families... because of JESUS! But yet nobody offered to tell the audience HOW to live a life like them! Isn't that the purpose of having Christ in your life... to share the good news with those who do not know Him? It is not up to us to save a person... but as a child of Christ... I thought we have an obligation to make others aware of His presence... and give them the choice to follow or not follow.
St. Paul's, I feel like you guys dropped the ball last night. I'm grateful for the show... I sure you guys are grateful for the paycheck you made... but nowhere in there do I associate your church with the word of God. I believe popularity and money are the core of your beliefs... and God in thrown in there to achieve those things. Unfortunately, this is not just coming from my visit last night. I have attended your church in the past, and last night solidified what I originally felt at my first visit.
For others, that church may do something for them... for me... not so much. I encourage everyone to go see for themselves... if you disagree with my thoughts... cool... you go to that church and I will continue going to mine. I won't judge you... if you don't judge me! Haha :)
Compromised Position
Is there really a such thing as a compromising position? If so, how does one get there? By compromising or not compromising? Things that make me go hmmmmmmmm.
I'm struggling with decisions I am physically making and decisions I am mentally believing. At the same time, I am not feeling guilt or remorse because part of me feels like... "I am doing Me." But then I think... is that being selfish? How can I truly do 'me' without affecting somebody else? I have kids. So when I do Me... am I being a bad mother? What if they don't agree with who "ME" is? Then what? My friends have their opinions of what I should or shouldn't do sometimes... and I have my opinions of what THEY should or shouldn't be doing. But then again... I think to myself, I am not them, so what business of it is mine... regarding what it is they choose to do. I can give my perspective... but in the end it is ultimately their decision as to what they choose to do. Regardless... I will always remain their friend.
Right now... I don't know what to do. I feel like everything has been happening at the right time... the right place... and then WHOA. Either I compromised and put myself in a compromising position... or I didn't compromise and ended up in a compromising position. The point is... I am in a very compromising position and I am not sure what my next move should be. The selfish part of me says, "Fuck it! Girl you've been through so much... just have fun and live your life! Be ashamed of nothing and keep it moving!" Then the empathetic side of me says, "What da hell you doin Ronny? Have you NOT been on the other side? The world does not revolve around YOU. There is a bigger picture and a longer vine that you are choosing to turn a blind eye to! You know how you felt... you know the result. Why keep getting back on the same roller coaster ride when I thought you already found a new way to arrive at your destiny?"
My intentions are not malicious. I want to share my happiness just as others want to receive happiness. I just happened to be able to experience both. It is a GREAT feeling and I like it. I guess I need to figure out if God's hand is over this circumstance and within my position to move me forward... or if He is NOT a part of this position and the position needs to be eliminated . I have a good feeling that the answer is going to come to me very soon. So until then... I am going to bed. Probably a record for me... before 10pm. Goodnight.
I'm struggling with decisions I am physically making and decisions I am mentally believing. At the same time, I am not feeling guilt or remorse because part of me feels like... "I am doing Me." But then I think... is that being selfish? How can I truly do 'me' without affecting somebody else? I have kids. So when I do Me... am I being a bad mother? What if they don't agree with who "ME" is? Then what? My friends have their opinions of what I should or shouldn't do sometimes... and I have my opinions of what THEY should or shouldn't be doing. But then again... I think to myself, I am not them, so what business of it is mine... regarding what it is they choose to do. I can give my perspective... but in the end it is ultimately their decision as to what they choose to do. Regardless... I will always remain their friend.
Right now... I don't know what to do. I feel like everything has been happening at the right time... the right place... and then WHOA. Either I compromised and put myself in a compromising position... or I didn't compromise and ended up in a compromising position. The point is... I am in a very compromising position and I am not sure what my next move should be. The selfish part of me says, "Fuck it! Girl you've been through so much... just have fun and live your life! Be ashamed of nothing and keep it moving!" Then the empathetic side of me says, "What da hell you doin Ronny? Have you NOT been on the other side? The world does not revolve around YOU. There is a bigger picture and a longer vine that you are choosing to turn a blind eye to! You know how you felt... you know the result. Why keep getting back on the same roller coaster ride when I thought you already found a new way to arrive at your destiny?"
My intentions are not malicious. I want to share my happiness just as others want to receive happiness. I just happened to be able to experience both. It is a GREAT feeling and I like it. I guess I need to figure out if God's hand is over this circumstance and within my position to move me forward... or if He is NOT a part of this position and the position needs to be eliminated . I have a good feeling that the answer is going to come to me very soon. So until then... I am going to bed. Probably a record for me... before 10pm. Goodnight.
I Got Off
Get your mind out the gutter. That's NOT what I am talking about in regards to getting off. I am in a venting mood. Therefore I shall vent. When I started blogging, I advised readers to have an open mind and to not take anything personally, unless it was specifically directed at you. So I will start off by saying... this is for YOU and YOU know who YOU are. Now don't get me wrong... nothing I am about to say is anything I haven't already said to this person, and if for some reason I missed something when I WAS in front of this person, then I would gladly repeat it to their face. So why I am I blogging about it? Because I can! Maybe if I share what I am going through, some other reader will say, "You know what Ronny... I am dealing with the SAME shit! Glad to know I am not alone." That's my purpose of this blog, or actually ANY blog I do. So somebody out there can either relate, or if anything, walk away after having a good laugh and think to themselves, "Damn, maybe my life isn't so bad after all." If somebody has something negative to say about what I say, or do, or how I live... so be it. 'Cause you should already know I really don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks... did u know that?? Just making sure. If you choose to proceed, just know I speak with blogger terms (AKA.. terms I've made up throughout several of my blogs). If you can't hang, I am sorry. Maybe you should catch up and start reading my blogs from the beginning. Otherwise... good luck trying to figure it out.
So the last I spoke about my love life, I believe I was telling you how God sent me a BMW. Well, the BMW turned out to be whack and I had to turn it down. I know what you're thinking... how the HELL can a BMW be whack???? SHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.... I was thinking the SAME THING. smh. So anyway, I turned down the BMW and got right back on the jitney. Stupid mistake... because as I explained before, nobody rides a jitney for long, before you get dropped off and the jitney picks up another passenger. Long story semi-short, jitney dropped me off and I said, "Bye Jitney. I am moving. And where I am moving to... I will never have to ride a jitney again." I guess Jitney thought I was playing, and decided to play a few games too. Jitney would honk a few times, but never stopped to say hello or offer to pick me up. Days go by... weeks go by... still I am walking and avoiding the jitney. Well I guess the Jitney realized it as being avoided and proceeded to not only honk, but to flash its high beams and rev the engine... in hopes I would take another ride. Well I haven't... and don't plan to. That ride is OVA.. did ya hear me??? OVA OVA OVA.
I am a person that will try and try and try and try and try to make something work. If I happen to fall in love... although Lord knows that's RARE, I will do any and everything to try and make it work. Why? Because I need to know (for myself) that I did EVERYTHING possible on MY end, before I walk away. I don't want to walk away from somebody I truly care about, thinking, "Well maybe if I did X Y Z it would have worked." Another reason why it takes me so long to walk away, which is probably the case with MOST people is... that shit got COMFORTABLE! So maybe it wasn't the BEST relationship, but it also wasn't the WORST. I knew a long ass time ago that I wouldn't be on that jitney forever, but for some reason I kept taking the ride. It was a comfortable ride. I could probably stand at the stop right now, and get back on the jitney... but I won't.
The funny thing about this whole jitney story is... the jitney keeps expressing how bad it wants me to take the ride again... but... won't drive around the neighborhood. That makes no sense! How you gonna say you want somebody to take a ride with you, but be no where to be found? BULLSHIT I say. You just want me to WANT THE RIDE, but you have no intentions of taking me to my final destination. So, you can just keep riding around, Jitney. I don't know who you have given rides to since I've stopped, and I truly don't care. I am walking. Yup... WALKING. It might take me longer to get where I am going, but at least I know I won't be driven around in a circle for short, sporadic moments in time.
There is SOMEBODY out there that will walk right next to me, and we will get something far better than a BMW to take us to our final destination TOGETHER.
If I lost you... I warned you. Can't help you either. My brain is not explainable... hence why I blog.
So the last I spoke about my love life, I believe I was telling you how God sent me a BMW. Well, the BMW turned out to be whack and I had to turn it down. I know what you're thinking... how the HELL can a BMW be whack???? SHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.... I was thinking the SAME THING. smh. So anyway, I turned down the BMW and got right back on the jitney. Stupid mistake... because as I explained before, nobody rides a jitney for long, before you get dropped off and the jitney picks up another passenger. Long story semi-short, jitney dropped me off and I said, "Bye Jitney. I am moving. And where I am moving to... I will never have to ride a jitney again." I guess Jitney thought I was playing, and decided to play a few games too. Jitney would honk a few times, but never stopped to say hello or offer to pick me up. Days go by... weeks go by... still I am walking and avoiding the jitney. Well I guess the Jitney realized it as being avoided and proceeded to not only honk, but to flash its high beams and rev the engine... in hopes I would take another ride. Well I haven't... and don't plan to. That ride is OVA.. did ya hear me??? OVA OVA OVA.
I am a person that will try and try and try and try and try to make something work. If I happen to fall in love... although Lord knows that's RARE, I will do any and everything to try and make it work. Why? Because I need to know (for myself) that I did EVERYTHING possible on MY end, before I walk away. I don't want to walk away from somebody I truly care about, thinking, "Well maybe if I did X Y Z it would have worked." Another reason why it takes me so long to walk away, which is probably the case with MOST people is... that shit got COMFORTABLE! So maybe it wasn't the BEST relationship, but it also wasn't the WORST. I knew a long ass time ago that I wouldn't be on that jitney forever, but for some reason I kept taking the ride. It was a comfortable ride. I could probably stand at the stop right now, and get back on the jitney... but I won't.
The funny thing about this whole jitney story is... the jitney keeps expressing how bad it wants me to take the ride again... but... won't drive around the neighborhood. That makes no sense! How you gonna say you want somebody to take a ride with you, but be no where to be found? BULLSHIT I say. You just want me to WANT THE RIDE, but you have no intentions of taking me to my final destination. So, you can just keep riding around, Jitney. I don't know who you have given rides to since I've stopped, and I truly don't care. I am walking. Yup... WALKING. It might take me longer to get where I am going, but at least I know I won't be driven around in a circle for short, sporadic moments in time.
There is SOMEBODY out there that will walk right next to me, and we will get something far better than a BMW to take us to our final destination TOGETHER.
If I lost you... I warned you. Can't help you either. My brain is not explainable... hence why I blog.
For All We Do
I went on a field trip with my son today. All I have to say is... I have no desire to be an elementary school teacher! The group was pretty good though, a small group and they followed directions well. However, once their lunch kicked in... WHOA! That's when I was ready to go.
I just forgot why I initially started this blog... probably because I just got home about 20 minutes ago and all I keep hearing is Mommy can I... Mommy can I... Mommy can we... Mommy Mommy Mommy. LAWD HAVE MERCY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE! ... and you wonder why I don't want to teach kids. Be with them ALLLLL day, and then come home to mine??? Ya crazy.
Well, hopefully I can reel my thoughts back in. While I was driving home, I kept thinking about what my parents went through to give us a good childhood. I am the youngest of six ish (one of my sisters didn't live with us) and I don't know HOW my parents did it. I have two and LAWD! They drive me NUTS! Every day it's... what's for breakfast, what's for lunch, what's for dinner... I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry... I know we just had a buffet for dinner, but can we have a snack? How come I can't do this? How come I can't do that? Ugh! We NEVER get to do anything, you NEVER buy us this, you NEVER take us anywhere, we NEVER... we NEVER... we NEVER... FINE! maybe not NEVER but you don't do it ALL the time MOM!
I know I do a lot for my kids... and I also realize that they will never realize it or admit it until they have a kid themselves. That's what I realized today (well probably another day too... but once you have more than one kid, your memory starts to go :) But anyway... my siblings and I all did sports, played an instrument, and I'm sure we drove my parents crazy too. I remember my mother telling us we were ungrateful at times. Looking back... yea we were... at least sometimes. I don't remember my mom or dad going on any of my field trips. Probably because they were working everyday. My kids wear Nike and Jordans... I remember my dad bought me a pair of red ProWings from PayLess shoe store. WOW. My brothers had a FIELD day with that! and joked me til no end. Or what about the day my dad came home with matching shorts and tank tops for my brothers from ShopRite... a GROCERY STORE! and my brother crying because the pair he got was purple. He insisted boys don't wear purple and my dad was like "why not?" LMAO! memories.
So anyway.. I think the point of my blog was... there are many things I choose to do without... just so my kids can have things or do things. Don't get me wrong... the goal is to be able to NOT have to do without and all of us have our share of cake. I just ain't there yet. My parents went through a LOT to raise six kids and put four through college. I think I mentioned in a blog before about how my dad ran me around from track practice, to piano lessons, to gymnastics every week for two years... while attending my brothers' football games, working a full time job as a State Trooper and being a husband to my mom and supporting a family of eight. Crazy! I NOW can empathize... somewhat...but my kids have absolutely no idea what we parents go through. They just don't get it... and I don't expect them to get it... but it will be a very rewarding day... when they DO get it.
So on that note... I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day (here on my sofa) and listen to my kids play, then argue, then play, then argue... when they are supposed to be cleaning their room, and I will stare at the pile of clean clothes in the basket that should be put away one day, wonder what we're going to eat for dinner, paint my toenails because they look awful, hope I don't have any writing deadlines due, and pray my kids fall asleep early... just to get up tomorrow, cook breakfast, prepare for a football game... and then... and then... and then. It never stops... but I wouldn't change it for the world :)
I just forgot why I initially started this blog... probably because I just got home about 20 minutes ago and all I keep hearing is Mommy can I... Mommy can I... Mommy can we... Mommy Mommy Mommy. LAWD HAVE MERCY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE! ... and you wonder why I don't want to teach kids. Be with them ALLLLL day, and then come home to mine??? Ya crazy.
Well, hopefully I can reel my thoughts back in. While I was driving home, I kept thinking about what my parents went through to give us a good childhood. I am the youngest of six ish (one of my sisters didn't live with us) and I don't know HOW my parents did it. I have two and LAWD! They drive me NUTS! Every day it's... what's for breakfast, what's for lunch, what's for dinner... I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry... I know we just had a buffet for dinner, but can we have a snack? How come I can't do this? How come I can't do that? Ugh! We NEVER get to do anything, you NEVER buy us this, you NEVER take us anywhere, we NEVER... we NEVER... we NEVER... FINE! maybe not NEVER but you don't do it ALL the time MOM!
I know I do a lot for my kids... and I also realize that they will never realize it or admit it until they have a kid themselves. That's what I realized today (well probably another day too... but once you have more than one kid, your memory starts to go :) But anyway... my siblings and I all did sports, played an instrument, and I'm sure we drove my parents crazy too. I remember my mother telling us we were ungrateful at times. Looking back... yea we were... at least sometimes. I don't remember my mom or dad going on any of my field trips. Probably because they were working everyday. My kids wear Nike and Jordans... I remember my dad bought me a pair of red ProWings from PayLess shoe store. WOW. My brothers had a FIELD day with that! and joked me til no end. Or what about the day my dad came home with matching shorts and tank tops for my brothers from ShopRite... a GROCERY STORE! and my brother crying because the pair he got was purple. He insisted boys don't wear purple and my dad was like "why not?" LMAO! memories.
So anyway.. I think the point of my blog was... there are many things I choose to do without... just so my kids can have things or do things. Don't get me wrong... the goal is to be able to NOT have to do without and all of us have our share of cake. I just ain't there yet. My parents went through a LOT to raise six kids and put four through college. I think I mentioned in a blog before about how my dad ran me around from track practice, to piano lessons, to gymnastics every week for two years... while attending my brothers' football games, working a full time job as a State Trooper and being a husband to my mom and supporting a family of eight. Crazy! I NOW can empathize... somewhat...but my kids have absolutely no idea what we parents go through. They just don't get it... and I don't expect them to get it... but it will be a very rewarding day... when they DO get it.
So on that note... I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day (here on my sofa) and listen to my kids play, then argue, then play, then argue... when they are supposed to be cleaning their room, and I will stare at the pile of clean clothes in the basket that should be put away one day, wonder what we're going to eat for dinner, paint my toenails because they look awful, hope I don't have any writing deadlines due, and pray my kids fall asleep early... just to get up tomorrow, cook breakfast, prepare for a football game... and then... and then... and then. It never stops... but I wouldn't change it for the world :)
Aha!
You ever get that Aha! moment?? Where it just makes sense? The light bulb comes on and miraculously "You get it!" Divine intervention... God slapping you saying, "Wake up dummy!" Okay, so maybe God not slapping you. But for real, think about it... God has GOT to be up there laughing at us every day.
Seek an ye shall find. Lo I am with you always. Those just popped into my mind. If you seek for the answers, He will give them to you. The key is... you have to be ready to receive the answer. If you're not ready, you're going to miss it. However, do not worry. God will keep putting the answer right in front of your face until you accept Him and His ways to have your eyes opened. It is the most craziest feeling... EVER.
Once you have your eyes opened, the first thing you do is think back to BEFORE they were opened and wonder why the hell you didn't know then... what you know NOW. While at the same time, you understand why you didn't because it wasn't until now that your eyes were opened.
Think about Adam and Eve. When they realized they were naked, they probably thought back to BEFORE they ate from the tree and wondered how they could have pranced around with nothing on and thought nothing of it. However, they then realized it was because they disobeyed Gods instructions that they were now able to see their nakedness.
I'm not writing this to dwell on, or reminisce about any of my past. I'm just enjoying another Aha! moment that I am having because of something I believed could happen... but am on such another level because it actually DID happen... because it's just another testimony of God's grace. Man...I am blessed beyond belief. Just keeps getting better and better. Luv it.
Seek an ye shall find. Lo I am with you always. Those just popped into my mind. If you seek for the answers, He will give them to you. The key is... you have to be ready to receive the answer. If you're not ready, you're going to miss it. However, do not worry. God will keep putting the answer right in front of your face until you accept Him and His ways to have your eyes opened. It is the most craziest feeling... EVER.
Once you have your eyes opened, the first thing you do is think back to BEFORE they were opened and wonder why the hell you didn't know then... what you know NOW. While at the same time, you understand why you didn't because it wasn't until now that your eyes were opened.
Think about Adam and Eve. When they realized they were naked, they probably thought back to BEFORE they ate from the tree and wondered how they could have pranced around with nothing on and thought nothing of it. However, they then realized it was because they disobeyed Gods instructions that they were now able to see their nakedness.
I'm not writing this to dwell on, or reminisce about any of my past. I'm just enjoying another Aha! moment that I am having because of something I believed could happen... but am on such another level because it actually DID happen... because it's just another testimony of God's grace. Man...I am blessed beyond belief. Just keeps getting better and better. Luv it.
Butterflies
I tend to do a lot of thinking... soul searching... learning... watching ... determining ... defining... you name it... about love. It's just fascinating to me when I learn about myself and others and how we love or receive love so differently... but yet we're the same in that we all want love.
I was tweeting when I expressed that I feel like my love is being stifled. I went through a long period of time where I didn't know how to experience love. Sounds crazy to me as I type this... but it's true. Until you learn to experience love within yourself ... you cannot truly experience the real deal anywhere else. I was married and tried everything I knew to show that man I loved him. The problem was... I didn't even KNOW myself to be attempting such a strong act. I was trying to give something that I really didn't have in myself. I LIKED myself, but I never really LOVED myself. I had a lot of insecurities, issues, identity issues... when I got married. I had stopped being an athlete, and became a graduate, a mother and a wife... in a span of THREE MONTHS. Talk about IDENTITY CRISIS! I didn't know what I wanted or how to even love myself because I threw myself into my man and my baby. I had nothing left for me... and that's when everything started to fall apart.
When you are at rock bottom within yourself, it makes it very easy for others to walk all over you and treat you like dirt...because that's where you are mentally... at the bottom.
It was a long process/journey to get where I am today. I would say its been about a year and a half before I was able to build myself up strong enough to regard myself at the top... and to not allow anyone or anything to change my state of mind.
So to get back to my initial comment... I feel like my love is being stifled. I say this because I am at a point in my life where I am so free. I want to do everything. Every day is like smelling the roses and welcoming life. I laugh, I enjoy, I believe, I just really can't explain it other than I am truly happy and enjoying my life. I have so much love for myself that it is spilling over. I have lots of love to give and keep trying to give some away, but one person in particular won't allow my butterfly wings to spread. Make sense? I don't know WHAT it is, but for some reason I am not allowed to fly when I am near this person. It's like I flew into a net... I can still breath, still see my surrounding, and I'm flapping like crazy... but going nowhere. Then once I leave this persons presence I can fly again. I just wonder why this person keeps trying to catch me with a net? Just let me fly near you! Open your damn wings and fly too! Then we can fly off together! lol okay... the last line sounded kind of corny, but you get my point?? If I keep feeling stifled... I will have to find a new place to fly to where other butterflies want to join me in my journey.
Hope I made sense... cause it makes sense to me :)
I was tweeting when I expressed that I feel like my love is being stifled. I went through a long period of time where I didn't know how to experience love. Sounds crazy to me as I type this... but it's true. Until you learn to experience love within yourself ... you cannot truly experience the real deal anywhere else. I was married and tried everything I knew to show that man I loved him. The problem was... I didn't even KNOW myself to be attempting such a strong act. I was trying to give something that I really didn't have in myself. I LIKED myself, but I never really LOVED myself. I had a lot of insecurities, issues, identity issues... when I got married. I had stopped being an athlete, and became a graduate, a mother and a wife... in a span of THREE MONTHS. Talk about IDENTITY CRISIS! I didn't know what I wanted or how to even love myself because I threw myself into my man and my baby. I had nothing left for me... and that's when everything started to fall apart.
When you are at rock bottom within yourself, it makes it very easy for others to walk all over you and treat you like dirt...because that's where you are mentally... at the bottom.
It was a long process/journey to get where I am today. I would say its been about a year and a half before I was able to build myself up strong enough to regard myself at the top... and to not allow anyone or anything to change my state of mind.
So to get back to my initial comment... I feel like my love is being stifled. I say this because I am at a point in my life where I am so free. I want to do everything. Every day is like smelling the roses and welcoming life. I laugh, I enjoy, I believe, I just really can't explain it other than I am truly happy and enjoying my life. I have so much love for myself that it is spilling over. I have lots of love to give and keep trying to give some away, but one person in particular won't allow my butterfly wings to spread. Make sense? I don't know WHAT it is, but for some reason I am not allowed to fly when I am near this person. It's like I flew into a net... I can still breath, still see my surrounding, and I'm flapping like crazy... but going nowhere. Then once I leave this persons presence I can fly again. I just wonder why this person keeps trying to catch me with a net? Just let me fly near you! Open your damn wings and fly too! Then we can fly off together! lol okay... the last line sounded kind of corny, but you get my point?? If I keep feeling stifled... I will have to find a new place to fly to where other butterflies want to join me in my journey.
Hope I made sense... cause it makes sense to me :)
Still Awake
So I am sitting at my computer at 1:17am on a Monday...blogging. I can't fall asleep, I finished my book, so I guess I might as well blog...right? I don't have much time though, because I just took benedryl. Apparently I am having an allergic reaction to something and my eyes are swollen and I have a rash down my neck and both of my arms.
So most people would take some benedryl and go to bed right? Not me. I just took another shower, made sure my hair doesn't have the bedhead look anymore, made sure nothing crazy was laying around my house...just in case I have to call 911. And then I start thinking...what if my eyes swell so tight that I can't see my phone to dial?? I have a new phone now...a TOUCH phone that doesn't have any buttons! So next month I think I will be investing in a house phone. What if something happens to me and my kids have to dial 911? They don't know how to work my phone...at least I THINK they don't know how. Things we take for granted...a basic house phone. And it doesn't help that I work for the fire dept. Most of our EMS calls happen in someones house...well we have to enter that house, look for clues if the person isn't responsive and also check for smoke detectors or fire hazards. So if 911 has to send somebody to my house, I want to make sure its presentable and not something that will become "station talk" lol. Then I also have in the back of my mind the sayings of my mother, "Make sure you always have on a clean, good pair of underwear because you never know if you'll have to go to hospital." Then I think of Jitney and his draws... lol he would know what I am talking about. And then I wonder... will they know WHO to call??? Are they going to call the last person I talked to on my phone? My neighbors suck in this neighborhood... so they're not going to know anything.
Jitney was supposed to be coming over... but out of nowhere I fell asleep and passed out for 4 or 5 hours. Missed the phone calls and texts. Then I wonder... damn... what if something WAS wrong?! How long would it have been before someone came to look for me?? I don't work until weds so they wouldn't notice until 7am weds morning. Then again... Tiffany would have called 911 by then... or at least called someone to see if I was alive. But she's in NJ... how long would she have waited? And then I think... DAMN i seriously need a man in my home! When my kids are with their dad... it's just me, myself and I. But then it all comes down to... "Ronny, shut up. God's got it. Take your ass to bed." And with that, I am able to rest my mind, relax, and go to sleep. He's got it! If it's my time to go, then nobody and nothing can save me, because obviously God thought I was needed more up there than down here. With that, I think my dryl is kicking in...Goodnight!
So most people would take some benedryl and go to bed right? Not me. I just took another shower, made sure my hair doesn't have the bedhead look anymore, made sure nothing crazy was laying around my house...just in case I have to call 911. And then I start thinking...what if my eyes swell so tight that I can't see my phone to dial?? I have a new phone now...a TOUCH phone that doesn't have any buttons! So next month I think I will be investing in a house phone. What if something happens to me and my kids have to dial 911? They don't know how to work my phone...at least I THINK they don't know how. Things we take for granted...a basic house phone. And it doesn't help that I work for the fire dept. Most of our EMS calls happen in someones house...well we have to enter that house, look for clues if the person isn't responsive and also check for smoke detectors or fire hazards. So if 911 has to send somebody to my house, I want to make sure its presentable and not something that will become "station talk" lol. Then I also have in the back of my mind the sayings of my mother, "Make sure you always have on a clean, good pair of underwear because you never know if you'll have to go to hospital." Then I think of Jitney and his draws... lol he would know what I am talking about. And then I wonder... will they know WHO to call??? Are they going to call the last person I talked to on my phone? My neighbors suck in this neighborhood... so they're not going to know anything.
Jitney was supposed to be coming over... but out of nowhere I fell asleep and passed out for 4 or 5 hours. Missed the phone calls and texts. Then I wonder... damn... what if something WAS wrong?! How long would it have been before someone came to look for me?? I don't work until weds so they wouldn't notice until 7am weds morning. Then again... Tiffany would have called 911 by then... or at least called someone to see if I was alive. But she's in NJ... how long would she have waited? And then I think... DAMN i seriously need a man in my home! When my kids are with their dad... it's just me, myself and I. But then it all comes down to... "Ronny, shut up. God's got it. Take your ass to bed." And with that, I am able to rest my mind, relax, and go to sleep. He's got it! If it's my time to go, then nobody and nothing can save me, because obviously God thought I was needed more up there than down here. With that, I think my dryl is kicking in...Goodnight!
Save Me!
God sent me a BMW. If you've followed my posts... you know what I'm talking about. First a jitney... then a helicopter... and now a BMW. So I've been telling this joke over and over again in my blogs. If you've ever seen The Pursuit of Happiness with Will Smith and his son Jaden, Jaden tells the joke while they are walking down the street... goes something like this...
A man is trapped on a rock in the middle of the ocean and cries out, "God help! Please save me!" so a boat comes and the rescuers tell the guy to get in. The guy replies, "No thanks, God will save me!" a helicopter comes and lets down a rope and tells the guy to climb up. The guy responds, "No thanks, God will save me! Long story short, the tide rises and the guy drowns. When he gets to heaven and sees God, he says, "God! Why didn't you save me???" and God replies, "I sent a boat and a helicopter."
So I think God is trying to save me. He gave me a jitney which was great at first, but his ride got too bumpy and I had to get off. Then I flew in a helicopter, but the age of the helicopter scared me so I got down and got back on the jitney. It doesn't take long for your stop to come up on a jitney so I got off... and that's when God sent the BMW. I know what you're thinking...TAKE THE BMW!!! I know I know!! But I'm such a fuckin SNAIL! So that is where I am today. Deciding if I want to take the BMW, while I'm currently still riding the jitney. Decisions decisions. I will pray on it and hopefully realize my answer before I drown...haha.
A man is trapped on a rock in the middle of the ocean and cries out, "God help! Please save me!" so a boat comes and the rescuers tell the guy to get in. The guy replies, "No thanks, God will save me!" a helicopter comes and lets down a rope and tells the guy to climb up. The guy responds, "No thanks, God will save me! Long story short, the tide rises and the guy drowns. When he gets to heaven and sees God, he says, "God! Why didn't you save me???" and God replies, "I sent a boat and a helicopter."
So I think God is trying to save me. He gave me a jitney which was great at first, but his ride got too bumpy and I had to get off. Then I flew in a helicopter, but the age of the helicopter scared me so I got down and got back on the jitney. It doesn't take long for your stop to come up on a jitney so I got off... and that's when God sent the BMW. I know what you're thinking...TAKE THE BMW!!! I know I know!! But I'm such a fuckin SNAIL! So that is where I am today. Deciding if I want to take the BMW, while I'm currently still riding the jitney. Decisions decisions. I will pray on it and hopefully realize my answer before I drown...haha.
Hold Up
You can't hold on forever. Eventually you will have to let go. Is there a time limit to holding on to something/someone? I don't think so. Everyone's time limit is different. I used to think I could put a time to things... like I'm going to do this, that and this by this age or by this date. I was going to give myself so many days/weeks to lose weight. I thought I would be married by this age (surpassed that WAY early), would have this many kids or live in this place or that place by a certain amount of time.
I definitely think it is possible to do ANYTHING with prayer and perseverance... but you can't guarantee when it will happen. I stopped putting a time limit on my life. I know when I'm ready for something, and the time is right, and I know when I'm over something and it's time to move on. I routinely clean out my closet. Literally. I wear the hell out of my clothes because I really like them, but at the same time, I know when it's time to donate some stuff or Goodwill or to trash it all together.
I think I take the same route when it comes to my life. Some things I am quick to move on from and others I tend to hold on for what seems to be forever. I hold on because I'm not ready to let go. It's a pretty simple concept. You see it all the time with things like addictions or weight loss. You can't make a lifestyle change... if you're not ready to change.
I've changed a lot. Some things just aren't as important to me as before... and some things are VERY important to me now... that weren't before. I don't think my change has been bad. I think it has been very eye opening. I used to live for "what's going to be" more than "what's happening". Make sense? I have this idea of what I want my life to be like... which I don't think is wrong... but I wasn't paying attention to my "now." What is going on in my "now" cannot get me to where I want to be. So I have to really pay attention to my now... to assure I am on my way to my vision. When you pay attention to your "now" you either appreciate it and enjoy it, or realize it's harmful or a deterrent and you have to make a change. I used to dread change... but now I enjoy it because I know I am making a change for the better... at least better for me.
Holding onto negativity will hold you up from prosperity.
I don't know... thoughts of the day I guess.
I definitely think it is possible to do ANYTHING with prayer and perseverance... but you can't guarantee when it will happen. I stopped putting a time limit on my life. I know when I'm ready for something, and the time is right, and I know when I'm over something and it's time to move on. I routinely clean out my closet. Literally. I wear the hell out of my clothes because I really like them, but at the same time, I know when it's time to donate some stuff or Goodwill or to trash it all together.
I think I take the same route when it comes to my life. Some things I am quick to move on from and others I tend to hold on for what seems to be forever. I hold on because I'm not ready to let go. It's a pretty simple concept. You see it all the time with things like addictions or weight loss. You can't make a lifestyle change... if you're not ready to change.
I've changed a lot. Some things just aren't as important to me as before... and some things are VERY important to me now... that weren't before. I don't think my change has been bad. I think it has been very eye opening. I used to live for "what's going to be" more than "what's happening". Make sense? I have this idea of what I want my life to be like... which I don't think is wrong... but I wasn't paying attention to my "now." What is going on in my "now" cannot get me to where I want to be. So I have to really pay attention to my now... to assure I am on my way to my vision. When you pay attention to your "now" you either appreciate it and enjoy it, or realize it's harmful or a deterrent and you have to make a change. I used to dread change... but now I enjoy it because I know I am making a change for the better... at least better for me.
Holding onto negativity will hold you up from prosperity.
I don't know... thoughts of the day I guess.
Time for Reflection
Haven't posted in a while. Just have not had the words to express what it is I am going through at this time. Don't get me wrong... it's nothing bad. I am actually enjoying this time of my life. I have been taking time to enjoy it and not be so quick to blog about any and every thought that passes through my brain (and lord knows there's a LOT of them!)
So I call this a time for reflection because every now and then you have to stop, breath and look back at your life. I do this regularly because while I am grateful for what I have been through, I do not want to repeat some things. At this point in time last year, I had maybe $20 to my name... did not know how I was going to pay my rent for June... my car registration and inspection was coming up... and I kept running out of gas. I had just had my interview for the fire department but I had not heard back if I made it into the academy or not. I was making plans to move back to New Jersey if for some reason I didn't make it into the academy... and if I DID make it into the academy, I had to figure out how I was going to pay rent, feed my kids and keep the electric on until my first paycheck.
Where am I today? I am a firefighter for my county, I rent a cute lil townhouse, my registration and car inspection is up to date. In fact, I am sitting in McDonald's right now while my car is getting worked on and the tires are getting replaced. My kids are in a private school and love it. I feel great and I don't feel stressed (tired...but not stressed). Oh, and I have over a half a tank of gas in my car too. How is my life so different compared to last year???? GOD! did you hear me...???? GOD has worked WONDERS in my life since May of last year. Everything I have today... how I feel about myself today... is thanks to Him... my savior, my life and my spirit. To say I am grateful is an understatement. I am truly blessed and extremely grateful for being so blessed.
So if you don't hear from me for a while... know that it is because I am enjoying my time. I have many plans for this summer... just to be able to have plans is truly a blessing. At some point I'm sure I will update... but until then, take some time to reflect. Where are you at in your life at this time compared to this time last year? Better, worse, why and if need be, how are you going to change it around??
**Hint: He worked wonders in my life and died to make wonders in yours.**
So I call this a time for reflection because every now and then you have to stop, breath and look back at your life. I do this regularly because while I am grateful for what I have been through, I do not want to repeat some things. At this point in time last year, I had maybe $20 to my name... did not know how I was going to pay my rent for June... my car registration and inspection was coming up... and I kept running out of gas. I had just had my interview for the fire department but I had not heard back if I made it into the academy or not. I was making plans to move back to New Jersey if for some reason I didn't make it into the academy... and if I DID make it into the academy, I had to figure out how I was going to pay rent, feed my kids and keep the electric on until my first paycheck.
Where am I today? I am a firefighter for my county, I rent a cute lil townhouse, my registration and car inspection is up to date. In fact, I am sitting in McDonald's right now while my car is getting worked on and the tires are getting replaced. My kids are in a private school and love it. I feel great and I don't feel stressed (tired...but not stressed). Oh, and I have over a half a tank of gas in my car too. How is my life so different compared to last year???? GOD! did you hear me...???? GOD has worked WONDERS in my life since May of last year. Everything I have today... how I feel about myself today... is thanks to Him... my savior, my life and my spirit. To say I am grateful is an understatement. I am truly blessed and extremely grateful for being so blessed.
So if you don't hear from me for a while... know that it is because I am enjoying my time. I have many plans for this summer... just to be able to have plans is truly a blessing. At some point I'm sure I will update... but until then, take some time to reflect. Where are you at in your life at this time compared to this time last year? Better, worse, why and if need be, how are you going to change it around??
**Hint: He worked wonders in my life and died to make wonders in yours.**
Wake up Stupid!
Stupid, she will find that being picked up takes no time
'Cause the lurking nigga finds, that the stupid one is prime
Yup. He bites and takes the bait because the taste of dumb is great
Lets that shit slide down his tongue then starts to search for other ones
He will always find some stupid 'cause to her he looks like cupid
And what stupid doesn't know, that's an ARROW in his bow.
He winks and smiles, lets her pass. Then shoots stupid in the ass
Oh ye chick with little class.. stupid gave it up too fast.
She sees love, he sees a fuck. Looks like a dime, not worth a buck.
Stupid now has blurry vision, can't think straight or make decisions
That's when cupid strikes again, drops the "L" word. Reels her in
Stupid, she will find falling in love takes little time
'Cause the lurking negro finds, that the stupid one is prime
His words are golden, yea like piss. Aimed at stupid he won't miss
She washes in his golden shower giving cupid all the power
Just when Stupid thinks she's won...cupid shoots another one.
Wreaking of a nasty stench, Stupid's forced to sit the bench
Game over stupid. Did you find that you get played time after time
'Cause the lurking bastard finds, that the stupid one is prime
Washing piss out of her eyes stupid starts to realize
Not all cupids are the same its then she wants to change her name
Stupid she'll no longer be, instead of stupid...call her Me.
'Cause the lurking nigga finds, that the stupid one is prime
Yup. He bites and takes the bait because the taste of dumb is great
Lets that shit slide down his tongue then starts to search for other ones
He will always find some stupid 'cause to her he looks like cupid
And what stupid doesn't know, that's an ARROW in his bow.
He winks and smiles, lets her pass. Then shoots stupid in the ass
Oh ye chick with little class.. stupid gave it up too fast.
She sees love, he sees a fuck. Looks like a dime, not worth a buck.
Stupid now has blurry vision, can't think straight or make decisions
That's when cupid strikes again, drops the "L" word. Reels her in
Stupid, she will find falling in love takes little time
'Cause the lurking negro finds, that the stupid one is prime
His words are golden, yea like piss. Aimed at stupid he won't miss
She washes in his golden shower giving cupid all the power
Just when Stupid thinks she's won...cupid shoots another one.
Wreaking of a nasty stench, Stupid's forced to sit the bench
Game over stupid. Did you find that you get played time after time
'Cause the lurking bastard finds, that the stupid one is prime
Washing piss out of her eyes stupid starts to realize
Not all cupids are the same its then she wants to change her name
Stupid she'll no longer be, instead of stupid...call her Me.
Wuz uuuuuuuuupppppp!
What's up my peoples? Been a lil while... figured I should say a lil som'n som'n. So... what's new wit meh.
Well... a few weeks ago I lost a good friend of mine. I still can't believe it because he lives in Jersey and I live in VA. So it's not like I see or speak to him all the time. So to me, it still feels like he's alive. However, I DO speak to my brother Rob-Rob very often and my friend was Rob's best friend. So what upsets me isn't the death of my friend (because I just said... him dying isn't real to me yet), but I get upset for my brother. My friend died in the presence of Rob and one of my other brothers. I worry for my brother... thinking about how he must feel and hearing him talk to me about it is what gets me upset. So yea... that's as far as I can go on that topic.
Any hoo... I'm fat. Yea yea, I know I don't look fat. When I look in the mirror, I think I look great! But today I went to put on my summer capris and shorts from last summer and they don't fit!! WTF! So now I have to watch what I eat... BOOOOOO and exercise more often... BOOOOOOO. But TRUST, I will be ready come June :)
OMG a big ass.. THICK spider just crawled under my back screen door! How 'bout I just sprayed it, and I DIDN"T DIE! OMG!! I had to soak the hell out of it before it crawled some MORE... and finally flipped his ass over and died. OMG... SHAKING!!!!!!!! Ugh! eeeeuuuuuuuuu... Ugh!
So... on that note. I'm going to be a GOD MOMMY!!!! YAY!! Too souped! My baby gets to be my god baby. It's about damn time she decided! The BFF that is... her puerto rican ass took a month a sundays to confirm what is best for her son. Can't wait... it shall be official in June. Will keep ya posted.
My kids room is finally finished being decorated. I painted it... after I swore I wouldn't paint anything else after doing my living room. But their room is soooooo.... cute! They hugged and kissed me for it and said they loved it. Well worth the work.
What else is new... my baby turned 6 last wednesday. Can't believe it. He was such an easy baby... slept all the time... put himself down for naps (even to this day), now he's reading and writing and talking and talking and talking lol. Luv'im though.. my porky pork. My other son made the B honor roll for the 2nd time after starting his new school two months later than his classmates. So smart... proud momma. In about two years, he will be my height or taller... wow.
So... I'm sure I've bored you to death. Nothing exciting on this neck of the woods. I don't feel like talking about men.. I know, the juicy stuff. Got some work to do before I go to bed, plus I have work in the mornin' ... Peace out.
Well... a few weeks ago I lost a good friend of mine. I still can't believe it because he lives in Jersey and I live in VA. So it's not like I see or speak to him all the time. So to me, it still feels like he's alive. However, I DO speak to my brother Rob-Rob very often and my friend was Rob's best friend. So what upsets me isn't the death of my friend (because I just said... him dying isn't real to me yet), but I get upset for my brother. My friend died in the presence of Rob and one of my other brothers. I worry for my brother... thinking about how he must feel and hearing him talk to me about it is what gets me upset. So yea... that's as far as I can go on that topic.
Any hoo... I'm fat. Yea yea, I know I don't look fat. When I look in the mirror, I think I look great! But today I went to put on my summer capris and shorts from last summer and they don't fit!! WTF! So now I have to watch what I eat... BOOOOOO and exercise more often... BOOOOOOO. But TRUST, I will be ready come June :)
OMG a big ass.. THICK spider just crawled under my back screen door! How 'bout I just sprayed it, and I DIDN"T DIE! OMG!! I had to soak the hell out of it before it crawled some MORE... and finally flipped his ass over and died. OMG... SHAKING!!!!!!!! Ugh! eeeeuuuuuuuuu... Ugh!
So... on that note. I'm going to be a GOD MOMMY!!!! YAY!! Too souped! My baby gets to be my god baby. It's about damn time she decided! The BFF that is... her puerto rican ass took a month a sundays to confirm what is best for her son. Can't wait... it shall be official in June. Will keep ya posted.
My kids room is finally finished being decorated. I painted it... after I swore I wouldn't paint anything else after doing my living room. But their room is soooooo.... cute! They hugged and kissed me for it and said they loved it. Well worth the work.
What else is new... my baby turned 6 last wednesday. Can't believe it. He was such an easy baby... slept all the time... put himself down for naps (even to this day), now he's reading and writing and talking and talking and talking lol. Luv'im though.. my porky pork. My other son made the B honor roll for the 2nd time after starting his new school two months later than his classmates. So smart... proud momma. In about two years, he will be my height or taller... wow.
So... I'm sure I've bored you to death. Nothing exciting on this neck of the woods. I don't feel like talking about men.. I know, the juicy stuff. Got some work to do before I go to bed, plus I have work in the mornin' ... Peace out.
Pete and Repeat
Pete and Repeat went to a bar... Pete walked out...who's left? Repeat. Pete and Repeat went to a bar... Pete walked out... who's left? Repeat.
Heard that joke before? Well I bring it up because I am about to repeat some things I have previously blogged about. One of the stories I told was about a man trapped on a rock because the tide had risen. He cried out to God saying, "God help me!" Just then some men on a boat came by and told him to get on. The guy says, "No thank you, God will save me!" A few minutes later a helicopter came over him and dropped down a ladder. He was told to climb up. The guy says, "No thank you, God will save me!" You get the point... so the man ends up drowning because the tide rose and he never got off the rock. So when the man gets to heaven and sees God, he says, "How come you didn't save me?" and God replied, "I sent a boat and a helicopter."
I think I just missed my helicopter today. I have been waiting for God to send me someone that has all the qualities and stuff I want... tells me the things I need to hear... wants to do the things for me I desire. I think God sent me my boat, Jitney... and then my helicopter... we'll call him Dude. Am I going to drown??? I want my Jitney back... but is he who God wants for me? Or is God sending me other people, but I just keep waving them on.
Wow. So Jitney just called me. Is that my answer? I'm happy... so I'll take that as my answer and pray I don't drown for doing so... Ha!
Man. I have issues... GNITE! work tomorrow.
Heard that joke before? Well I bring it up because I am about to repeat some things I have previously blogged about. One of the stories I told was about a man trapped on a rock because the tide had risen. He cried out to God saying, "God help me!" Just then some men on a boat came by and told him to get on. The guy says, "No thank you, God will save me!" A few minutes later a helicopter came over him and dropped down a ladder. He was told to climb up. The guy says, "No thank you, God will save me!" You get the point... so the man ends up drowning because the tide rose and he never got off the rock. So when the man gets to heaven and sees God, he says, "How come you didn't save me?" and God replied, "I sent a boat and a helicopter."
I think I just missed my helicopter today. I have been waiting for God to send me someone that has all the qualities and stuff I want... tells me the things I need to hear... wants to do the things for me I desire. I think God sent me my boat, Jitney... and then my helicopter... we'll call him Dude. Am I going to drown??? I want my Jitney back... but is he who God wants for me? Or is God sending me other people, but I just keep waving them on.
Wow. So Jitney just called me. Is that my answer? I'm happy... so I'll take that as my answer and pray I don't drown for doing so... Ha!
Man. I have issues... GNITE! work tomorrow.
Right stop...wrong bus.
I am a bus...he is at the stop. I stopped at his bus stop...but I am the wrong bus. He needs to wait for the next bus and see if he should ride. There have been times when I have stopped at a bus stop because I wanted a passenger...but the passenger waved me on.
Well today, a passenger really wants to ride on my bus, but I just cannot let him. I am the wrong bus. It's not that I can't take him where he wants to go...I just don't WANT to. He's not the one I want to take my roadtrip with. I am going to have to hurt his feelings today. Oh well...he'll be aight.
So...not every person is a bus. There are some who are buses, that offer their passengers long rides. Then there are some who aren't...like a Jitney. My Love? or former love..his new name is Jitney. He shall now be called Jitney. Why? I still love him...but he's not a bus driver and I need a bus driver. I am a bus...and he is a Jitney. He might pick you up and take you a few stops down...before he drops you off and picks up another passenger, takes them a few blocks down...then repeats. So you may hop on his Jitney several times in a day, week, year...but it will never be for a long ride before you have to get off and wait for it to come around again. It's possible Jitney might not even be picking up another passenger...but he will still make you get off a few stops later so he can...I don't know...get a donut? work another job? wash the Jitney? Whatever the reason...his passenger will only be on for a few stops at a time.
That's not to say a Jitney driver could never be a bus driver... or a bus driver become a Jitney driver. It just all depends on how long you want your ride to be with the driver/passenger.
I'm thinking about becoming a Jitney...it costs too much to keep riding this bus.... :/
Well today, a passenger really wants to ride on my bus, but I just cannot let him. I am the wrong bus. It's not that I can't take him where he wants to go...I just don't WANT to. He's not the one I want to take my roadtrip with. I am going to have to hurt his feelings today. Oh well...he'll be aight.
So...not every person is a bus. There are some who are buses, that offer their passengers long rides. Then there are some who aren't...like a Jitney. My Love? or former love..his new name is Jitney. He shall now be called Jitney. Why? I still love him...but he's not a bus driver and I need a bus driver. I am a bus...and he is a Jitney. He might pick you up and take you a few stops down...before he drops you off and picks up another passenger, takes them a few blocks down...then repeats. So you may hop on his Jitney several times in a day, week, year...but it will never be for a long ride before you have to get off and wait for it to come around again. It's possible Jitney might not even be picking up another passenger...but he will still make you get off a few stops later so he can...I don't know...get a donut? work another job? wash the Jitney? Whatever the reason...his passenger will only be on for a few stops at a time.
That's not to say a Jitney driver could never be a bus driver... or a bus driver become a Jitney driver. It just all depends on how long you want your ride to be with the driver/passenger.
I'm thinking about becoming a Jitney...it costs too much to keep riding this bus.... :/
Do what?!
"We should go out sometime." "I'd love to!"....NOT. This happens to me a lot. I swear there is something wrong with me. I get asked to hang out by the opposite sex...I would say at LEAST once a week. Group setting...cool. I'm there. Do what?! Go by myself? Just me and you? I'd LOVE to...but I highly doubt it will happen.
I always wonder if something happened to me a long time ago...which is the reason why I am so uncomfortable when I am alone with a man. I hate dating. I really do. If you want me to be at my most uncomfortable state...tell me you set me up on a date and there's going to be nobody there but me and him. I'll probably shit in my pants...and use that as an excuse to politely decline.
I remember when I was in high school...one of the guys at my job asked me out. I said okay...because I really liked him and thought he was a cool person. However, as the date came closer and closer and closer...I freaked. Made up some excuse why I couldn't go and never went. The thought of being alone with him made me sick, scared and nauseous. Had nothing to do with the guy...just the fear of being by myself with him.
So...I'm sure you're wondering how I dated...or got a boyfriend. Double dated until I got comfortable enough with the person...to be alone with them. Once I passed that sickening, nervous phase...I was okay. I have to be sure I can trust you...before I can be alone with you.
I'm that girl that if I go on a date with a stranger at...let's say a restaurant..I am looking for the nearest exit, making sure people are around me, making sure I have my phone on me...all while I am praying to God saying, "What am I doing...what am I doing...what am I doing". Crazy right???? I know.
If you're a man...and I'm not looking for an exit when I'm with you..then you are something special. But if I leave...and take a deep sigh of relief and say, "Thank you God...I am still breathing" mmmmm we have a problem.
It takes forever and a day for me to get comfortable with someone. I have no idea why. I truly move at a snails pace when it come to relationships. That sometimes hurt me...because the other person lost interest before I could truly be warmed up. But I mean...I don't know how to move any faster.
Men make me nervous. Really, really nervous. Why? I have no idea.
Why am I blogging about this?? I'm newly divorced. So...when you get divorced...you start dating again right? I say to myself..."I'm going to start dating and meet lots of new people and go to a lot of new places." That's what I SAY. Will I do it???? Helllllllllllll naw!! At least not yet. The thought of dating freaks me out...I mean COMPLETELY out! What if he's a serial killer? Or sniffs his armpits for fun? Or is 20 years older than me...or 10 years younger? OMG can we say overwhelmed at a HYPOTHETICAL situation? I went to lunch with a...I guess you can call him a friend...he's a nice man. He was saying all the right things... you know... I guess what girls want to hear (e.g. you're so beautiful, so glad I can have lunch with you, I just want to show you love...be a good friend to you, etc.) But the whole time I was there...I thought I was going to vomit and couldn't wait to go back home. That's so wrong right??? Had nothing to do with him...but there's obviously something wrong with me.
So what am I going to do? Pray that God has someone who I can be comfortable with...or who is patient enough to wait the eternity for me to warm up and trust them. As far as the dating...yea...not a priority, but I'm going to try. Never hurts to try right? I will definitely keep you posted though...ya neva know. I'm out..1.
I always wonder if something happened to me a long time ago...which is the reason why I am so uncomfortable when I am alone with a man. I hate dating. I really do. If you want me to be at my most uncomfortable state...tell me you set me up on a date and there's going to be nobody there but me and him. I'll probably shit in my pants...and use that as an excuse to politely decline.
I remember when I was in high school...one of the guys at my job asked me out. I said okay...because I really liked him and thought he was a cool person. However, as the date came closer and closer and closer...I freaked. Made up some excuse why I couldn't go and never went. The thought of being alone with him made me sick, scared and nauseous. Had nothing to do with the guy...just the fear of being by myself with him.
So...I'm sure you're wondering how I dated...or got a boyfriend. Double dated until I got comfortable enough with the person...to be alone with them. Once I passed that sickening, nervous phase...I was okay. I have to be sure I can trust you...before I can be alone with you.
I'm that girl that if I go on a date with a stranger at...let's say a restaurant..I am looking for the nearest exit, making sure people are around me, making sure I have my phone on me...all while I am praying to God saying, "What am I doing...what am I doing...what am I doing". Crazy right???? I know.
If you're a man...and I'm not looking for an exit when I'm with you..then you are something special. But if I leave...and take a deep sigh of relief and say, "Thank you God...I am still breathing" mmmmm we have a problem.
It takes forever and a day for me to get comfortable with someone. I have no idea why. I truly move at a snails pace when it come to relationships. That sometimes hurt me...because the other person lost interest before I could truly be warmed up. But I mean...I don't know how to move any faster.
Men make me nervous. Really, really nervous. Why? I have no idea.
Why am I blogging about this?? I'm newly divorced. So...when you get divorced...you start dating again right? I say to myself..."I'm going to start dating and meet lots of new people and go to a lot of new places." That's what I SAY. Will I do it???? Helllllllllllll naw!! At least not yet. The thought of dating freaks me out...I mean COMPLETELY out! What if he's a serial killer? Or sniffs his armpits for fun? Or is 20 years older than me...or 10 years younger? OMG can we say overwhelmed at a HYPOTHETICAL situation? I went to lunch with a...I guess you can call him a friend...he's a nice man. He was saying all the right things... you know... I guess what girls want to hear (e.g. you're so beautiful, so glad I can have lunch with you, I just want to show you love...be a good friend to you, etc.) But the whole time I was there...I thought I was going to vomit and couldn't wait to go back home. That's so wrong right??? Had nothing to do with him...but there's obviously something wrong with me.
So what am I going to do? Pray that God has someone who I can be comfortable with...or who is patient enough to wait the eternity for me to warm up and trust them. As far as the dating...yea...not a priority, but I'm going to try. Never hurts to try right? I will definitely keep you posted though...ya neva know. I'm out..1.
Divorce Remorse
About two or three weeks ago, my divorce was paid in full. Keep in mind, we have been separated for almost 4 years. I have not lived with my ex in four years...have not slept with him in four years...the relationship has been done...for almost four years.
I made the payment, went home and cried. The way I felt...I NEVER expected. Hit me...straight from the blind side. I was so confused and sad. Did I make a mistake? Maybe we could make it work...maybe he should move back in tomorrow and we'll fix it. What if... maybe... maybe... but... but... but... I just prayed. What was wrong with me? I prayed to God and asked why I felt that way. I was supposed to be happy and planning my divorce party...right????
So a good friend of mine called in the midst of my breakdown. I tried to clear myself up and talk like nothing happened. You know..."Hey, what's up? Nothing much...ran some errands...watching TV." Then out of nowhere I blurt out, "I think I have divorce remorse. Is there a such thing? Is that normal?" Thank God for my friends. I really have the best. She calmly explains to me that I have every right to be upset...I was ending a very important part of my life...it's like a death..." While she's explaining...tears just streamed down my face. I know the marriage is over. I don't truly believe it will ever work.
I've never experienced the death of anyone close to me. So I think she was right. It was like something died. I felt like a failure. You know...if someone you know dies...you wrack through your brain the many different ways you should've helped...or what you failed at doing...what you should've said...what you never said. I sit here every day wracking my brain what I could have done different...even though I know nothing would have made it better. I tried. I tried everything I knew of...heard of...read of. I tried. I really tried. But I knew it wouldn't be right to stay.
So...for the longest time I felt like a failure. I'm not sure if you know who I am...I am Ronny...Ronny never gives up...Ronny gets what she wants...Ronny works her ass off to make things right, to fix things, to be successful...God blesses me all the time...I pray...I do what I have to do...and BOOM...by the grace of God...it's there. Ronny is not a failure by any means. Yet she failed at marriage.
You know what keeps sticking out in my head right now...a really close friend of mine, someone I love dearly...always said to me, "You're so hard." Mmmm.. I guess. So hard, yet so fragile. I feel like glass...looks tough...feels tough...but with the right strike, it shatters to a million pieces. I feel shattered tonight. Yesterday my glass was shattered, by another person who is just like glass; so tough, yet so fragile.
I'm rambling right now, in case you haven't noticed... You ever heard the saying "Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie." So many people think lying is okay if you're sparing another person's feelings. That's NOT true. It never makes it better. Lying never makes it better. If you ever have the pleasure of becoming my friend...take comfort in knowing I will always speak to you truthfully. Lies destroy. Truth may hurt...but it heals and makes you stronger. Don't you know that when you build up your muscle, you're really tearing it apart...leaving it alone...and allowing it to heal so it comes back stronger. Then you rip it apart again...and it makes it stronger. Once you've reached your goal...that muscle has memory...and the next time you want to build it up, it doesn't take as long as the first time. Truth may hurt...shred you to pieces...shatter you like glass...but if you keep using the truth...you build memory...and in the future it doesn't hurt so bad...or take as long to heal. That's what makes relationships stronger. Truth. Not lies. Lies are a false sense of protection. It's only a matter of time before the lie fails...and it usually fails at the time you need the truth the most.
The day you needed to be held...loved...and laughed with...is the day the lie fails and you find out he/she has been doing those things with someone else. The day your kid gets excited because their deadbeat mom/dad said they were coming to pick them up because they know their kid wants nothing else than to see them...but the lie fails when they never show up. When you signed the mortgage thinking you were set for the next 30 years...and the lie failed when your house is foreclosed within two years and you've lost your down payment and closing fees because the company was a sham.
Lies broke our marriage. Both of us lied...he told me things that weren't true. He lied. Sometimes I said "It's okay" when I knew I wasn't really okay with it. I lied. The lies built up before our relationship even had a chance of gaining strength. Didn't take much to break it.
Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.
I made it a point to never lie about how I feel again. To be open and honest with communication. That's great...but what if your S/O doesn't take the same vow? You find yourself questioning if you should have really told the truth...because the truth is why you lost him/her...right? Or is it because of the lie? That's when it hurts the most too... because you love so hard that you want to lie just to make everything better because if you tell the truth...it might end. No. A relationship with lies will always end one way or another. You can only get stronger through truth. Truth prevails...lies fail.
Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.
Side-tracked...I know. These are the thoughts I have...my mind...always running.
I made the payment, went home and cried. The way I felt...I NEVER expected. Hit me...straight from the blind side. I was so confused and sad. Did I make a mistake? Maybe we could make it work...maybe he should move back in tomorrow and we'll fix it. What if... maybe... maybe... but... but... but... I just prayed. What was wrong with me? I prayed to God and asked why I felt that way. I was supposed to be happy and planning my divorce party...right????
So a good friend of mine called in the midst of my breakdown. I tried to clear myself up and talk like nothing happened. You know..."Hey, what's up? Nothing much...ran some errands...watching TV." Then out of nowhere I blurt out, "I think I have divorce remorse. Is there a such thing? Is that normal?" Thank God for my friends. I really have the best. She calmly explains to me that I have every right to be upset...I was ending a very important part of my life...it's like a death..." While she's explaining...tears just streamed down my face. I know the marriage is over. I don't truly believe it will ever work.
I've never experienced the death of anyone close to me. So I think she was right. It was like something died. I felt like a failure. You know...if someone you know dies...you wrack through your brain the many different ways you should've helped...or what you failed at doing...what you should've said...what you never said. I sit here every day wracking my brain what I could have done different...even though I know nothing would have made it better. I tried. I tried everything I knew of...heard of...read of. I tried. I really tried. But I knew it wouldn't be right to stay.
So...for the longest time I felt like a failure. I'm not sure if you know who I am...I am Ronny...Ronny never gives up...Ronny gets what she wants...Ronny works her ass off to make things right, to fix things, to be successful...God blesses me all the time...I pray...I do what I have to do...and BOOM...by the grace of God...it's there. Ronny is not a failure by any means. Yet she failed at marriage.
You know what keeps sticking out in my head right now...a really close friend of mine, someone I love dearly...always said to me, "You're so hard." Mmmm.. I guess. So hard, yet so fragile. I feel like glass...looks tough...feels tough...but with the right strike, it shatters to a million pieces. I feel shattered tonight. Yesterday my glass was shattered, by another person who is just like glass; so tough, yet so fragile.
I'm rambling right now, in case you haven't noticed... You ever heard the saying "Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie." So many people think lying is okay if you're sparing another person's feelings. That's NOT true. It never makes it better. Lying never makes it better. If you ever have the pleasure of becoming my friend...take comfort in knowing I will always speak to you truthfully. Lies destroy. Truth may hurt...but it heals and makes you stronger. Don't you know that when you build up your muscle, you're really tearing it apart...leaving it alone...and allowing it to heal so it comes back stronger. Then you rip it apart again...and it makes it stronger. Once you've reached your goal...that muscle has memory...and the next time you want to build it up, it doesn't take as long as the first time. Truth may hurt...shred you to pieces...shatter you like glass...but if you keep using the truth...you build memory...and in the future it doesn't hurt so bad...or take as long to heal. That's what makes relationships stronger. Truth. Not lies. Lies are a false sense of protection. It's only a matter of time before the lie fails...and it usually fails at the time you need the truth the most.
The day you needed to be held...loved...and laughed with...is the day the lie fails and you find out he/she has been doing those things with someone else. The day your kid gets excited because their deadbeat mom/dad said they were coming to pick them up because they know their kid wants nothing else than to see them...but the lie fails when they never show up. When you signed the mortgage thinking you were set for the next 30 years...and the lie failed when your house is foreclosed within two years and you've lost your down payment and closing fees because the company was a sham.
Lies broke our marriage. Both of us lied...he told me things that weren't true. He lied. Sometimes I said "It's okay" when I knew I wasn't really okay with it. I lied. The lies built up before our relationship even had a chance of gaining strength. Didn't take much to break it.
Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.
I made it a point to never lie about how I feel again. To be open and honest with communication. That's great...but what if your S/O doesn't take the same vow? You find yourself questioning if you should have really told the truth...because the truth is why you lost him/her...right? Or is it because of the lie? That's when it hurts the most too... because you love so hard that you want to lie just to make everything better because if you tell the truth...it might end. No. A relationship with lies will always end one way or another. You can only get stronger through truth. Truth prevails...lies fail.
Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.
Side-tracked...I know. These are the thoughts I have...my mind...always running.
We're Not a Black America
Race
A trait that drives people to hate
Only few will embrace
The rest discriminate
Because of ignorance
Who we are leaves a scar
We thought we came so far
Just to still be sub par
In the eyes of the society
Black people equal poverty
A step below humanity
They say we lack propriety
MLK's vision
His attempt to end division
Never truly came to life
'Cause we're continuing to fight
Amongst our own
Against the others
Taking children from their mothers
Many fathers live in jail
We blame the system
Say it failed
How we gonna rise?
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Lift your head to the skies
Time to say your good byes
To the hatred to the fear
Stop hiding behind pain
How would you want to be treated?
Treat all people the same
Or again we'll be defeated
Only we are to blame.
We're not a Black America
Our country's full of color
Don't be so quick to judge
Instead of hating, love each other.
There's a fat girl in me just DYING to come out!
Hi, my name is Ronny and I am a sweetsoholic. "HI RONNY!"
Whew! It sure does feel good to confess. Problem is...I'm STILL ADDICTED! Now what?? You know what's on my mind right now...brownies, cookies, cake, cupcakes. I've been craving ice cream like no other...it's ridiculous! I know what you're thinking...no... I am NOT pregnant.
There's a fat girl in me and she is just DYING to come out! I don't know what I did to enrage her, but she is trying to come out full force. Twinkies...did I mention brownies?? Huhhhhhhhhh what to do...what to do.
If you're thinking I am eating all of these things, I am not...at least not EVERY day lol. So... I really like the cheap chocolate chip cookies...you know...the ones that look real old-school. In walmart you will find them for 98cents by the no-name brand cookies. But anyway....i LOVE those chocolate chip cookies! I bought a pack for my kids lunches the other day...my poor kids never touched one, probably never even saw one. Yup. Ate the whole pack. But it was WORTH it dammit!
So why do I say a fat girl's in me? Cause I'm not fat...YET. Don't get me wrong...I definitely have fat spots lol more than I would like. But I also have been blessed with muscle. Lots of muscle. So the majority of my weight is muscle...for now. So many things have changed about my body since I turned 29 (I'm 31 now)...so it's only a matter of time before my addiction catches up to me.
Do I exercise? Of course. It doesn't take much for me to lose weight if I have to, because I still have the athlete in me. Thankfully I have been able to maintain...and I hope I can continue to maintain. But I still wonder how long I will be able to keep this up without drastically changing my eating habits...hmmmmm.
Well...thanks for accompanying me during my "fat girl" moment. I could REALLY use a brownie sundae...or better yet...donuts!!!! Maybe I can get My Love (or former love...I still have yet to rename him)...but maybe I can get him to stop by our favorite donut place for me...Country Style Donuts. If you're ever in Richmond VA, it's off Williamsburg Rd...same street as the airport. Their donuts are the ISH!!! and i've tried a LOT of donut places. See...you KNOW there's a fat girl in me cause I'm getting all hyped up by typing about my favorite treat LMAO...so sad. Okay I'm out...1 !
**PS** I sent My Love a text about the donuts...he reminded me it's Monday...they're closed on Mondays...DAMN DAMN DAMN! But he said he will get them for me tomorrow...YAY!
**HAPPY FACE**
More Than Words
My word is my bond. Trust. Real talk. Anybody ever say those words to you? Words. I write them everyday...read them everyday...and hear them everyday. Some words I cling to...and read over and over...listen to over and over. Yet, some words simply mean nothing to me.
Sorry. I can't stand that word. That's a word that has really lost meaning to me. If you come to me, armed with that word, and ONLY that word...you might as well turn around, walk away, and say NOTHING. I don't want to hear it. Even if you really mean it...chances are...I won't believe you until I see something you DO that shows you are sorry.
Respect. Now that's a word that can't be spoken. If you have to tell someone to respect you, you are too late...and don't deserve the word. The only time you can speak the word respect is when you are explaining to someone else how to demonstrate being respectful. If you're trying to be respected by someone else, speaking it or writing it will not do the job. You only get respect, by showing respect and earning it.
Trust me. No muthafucka...don't be distrustful. **I don't usually fix my blogs...but I was informed my last sentence makes no sense. What I meant was, "No muthafucka...don't give me a reason to NOT trust you** You've heard the saying...never trust someone who says "trust me". Trust and respect fall along the same line. If you have to tell someone to trust you...you must have already given them a reason NOT to. Just like respect...trust is earned.
I love you. Really? How? How do you love me? So many people always ask, "Why? Why do you love me or why do you love so-and-so?" No. I want to know HOW. Those three words...are simply words. Overused letters that have been written...said...and heard way too much on TV... cards... movies... everywhere. I'm guilty. I say I love you. I definitely believe the word love needs to be said and written regularly. HOWEVER, it is not a word that can be used alone. How do you love? We all know why you love...it's LOVE...duh. You can't love...without love. Make sense? But how do you do it? You can say it. You can write it. You can touch. You can listen. You can give. You can help. You can provide. You can deny (e.g. Deny someone their keys because they are too drunk to drive. That can be an act of love). Stop saying you love...and DO it. Love is a choice...followed by actions...not just a word. If you LOVE football...then you love by watching the game...studying the game...and if you're fortunate, you play the game. You know that game inside and out...because you study it. Why...because you LOVE it. You know as many aspects of the game as possible, such as players, coaches, rules, teams, trades, contracts, statistics, fields, history...etc. So how do you love a person? The same way as if you loved football.
Can't. I HATE that word. I have one son who believes he can do anything. There is nothing my son doesn't think he can do. However, my other son says "can't" every freakin five minutes! It drives me insane! Can't? Why can't you? Who says you can't? Did you try? Then try again...and again...and again. Ask for help. There is ALWAYS a way. Substitute the word "can't" with "okay" and you will never think you "can't" again. It wasn't the little engine that couldn't...it was the little engine that could. Would you really read the book if it said he couldn't?
M'am. I'd rather say "miss". This one is easy...M'am just sounds OLD no matter WHO you say it to. Miss just sounds much younger.
Why? I love that word. It never comes out sounding good...but that's how I get my information; about anything. If you don't know why...then I will find out from another source/person. I love to learn. Can't help it. Everything has a reason. However, I definitely have learned that everything has a reason, but I will not always learn the reason. Sometimes God is the only one who knows why.
So this post turned out to be a lot longer than I intended. Point is...don't say shit just to hear yourself talk. Sometimes saying nothing...is better understood. DO something to back up your words. We've all heard it...actions speak louder than words.
If you suck at speaking...write it down. But write it in pen...don't type it on the computer and don't write in pencil...and don't have someone else write while you talk. I'd rather get an "I'm sorry" letter that wasn't revised, grammar corrected, or "fixed" to sound great. I'd rather get a "love" letter that was hand-written as opposed to typed or cut n pasted. Get the point?
Sorry. I can't stand that word. That's a word that has really lost meaning to me. If you come to me, armed with that word, and ONLY that word...you might as well turn around, walk away, and say NOTHING. I don't want to hear it. Even if you really mean it...chances are...I won't believe you until I see something you DO that shows you are sorry.
Respect. Now that's a word that can't be spoken. If you have to tell someone to respect you, you are too late...and don't deserve the word. The only time you can speak the word respect is when you are explaining to someone else how to demonstrate being respectful. If you're trying to be respected by someone else, speaking it or writing it will not do the job. You only get respect, by showing respect and earning it.
Trust me. No muthafucka...don't be distrustful. **I don't usually fix my blogs...but I was informed my last sentence makes no sense. What I meant was, "No muthafucka...don't give me a reason to NOT trust you** You've heard the saying...never trust someone who says "trust me". Trust and respect fall along the same line. If you have to tell someone to trust you...you must have already given them a reason NOT to. Just like respect...trust is earned.
I love you. Really? How? How do you love me? So many people always ask, "Why? Why do you love me or why do you love so-and-so?" No. I want to know HOW. Those three words...are simply words. Overused letters that have been written...said...and heard way too much on TV... cards... movies... everywhere. I'm guilty. I say I love you. I definitely believe the word love needs to be said and written regularly. HOWEVER, it is not a word that can be used alone. How do you love? We all know why you love...it's LOVE...duh. You can't love...without love. Make sense? But how do you do it? You can say it. You can write it. You can touch. You can listen. You can give. You can help. You can provide. You can deny (e.g. Deny someone their keys because they are too drunk to drive. That can be an act of love). Stop saying you love...and DO it. Love is a choice...followed by actions...not just a word. If you LOVE football...then you love by watching the game...studying the game...and if you're fortunate, you play the game. You know that game inside and out...because you study it. Why...because you LOVE it. You know as many aspects of the game as possible, such as players, coaches, rules, teams, trades, contracts, statistics, fields, history...etc. So how do you love a person? The same way as if you loved football.
Can't. I HATE that word. I have one son who believes he can do anything. There is nothing my son doesn't think he can do. However, my other son says "can't" every freakin five minutes! It drives me insane! Can't? Why can't you? Who says you can't? Did you try? Then try again...and again...and again. Ask for help. There is ALWAYS a way. Substitute the word "can't" with "okay" and you will never think you "can't" again. It wasn't the little engine that couldn't...it was the little engine that could. Would you really read the book if it said he couldn't?
M'am. I'd rather say "miss". This one is easy...M'am just sounds OLD no matter WHO you say it to. Miss just sounds much younger.
Why? I love that word. It never comes out sounding good...but that's how I get my information; about anything. If you don't know why...then I will find out from another source/person. I love to learn. Can't help it. Everything has a reason. However, I definitely have learned that everything has a reason, but I will not always learn the reason. Sometimes God is the only one who knows why.
So this post turned out to be a lot longer than I intended. Point is...don't say shit just to hear yourself talk. Sometimes saying nothing...is better understood. DO something to back up your words. We've all heard it...actions speak louder than words.
If you suck at speaking...write it down. But write it in pen...don't type it on the computer and don't write in pencil...and don't have someone else write while you talk. I'd rather get an "I'm sorry" letter that wasn't revised, grammar corrected, or "fixed" to sound great. I'd rather get a "love" letter that was hand-written as opposed to typed or cut n pasted. Get the point?
Getting a job...requires WORK.
Every day I drive somewhere...and at least one corner, or traffic light, has a scruffy-looking adult sitting or standing with a cardboard sign or bucket asking for food or money. I mean these people are there for HOURS! I've dropped my kids off at school and passed by the same person on my way home from picking them up...that's EIGHT hours later! RIDICULOUS! I'm sorry...but you should be ashamed of yourself if you can sit in that same spot, with the same sign or bucket, for hours on end...day after day. If you have that much nerve to ask strangers for their money and food that THEY"VE gone out and earned...what is stopping you from WORKING towards the same goal?
It takes WORK to find a job. Instead of sitting your ass on the corner...take it to a damn library, or employment office, or church! Instead of sitting and eating for free....WORK FOR FREE and maybe in turn someone will offer you a job because they see you up and DOING SOMETHING! I had a rough year last year. I was practically jobless, but I always kept working. Some weeks I made $100...some weeks I made $10...by doing whatever I had to do to feed my kids and get them to and from school. None of the work I did was sexual...or drug related. That's another myth...that you have to work the pole or sell drugs to make it. Don't get me wrong...I thought about it...a LOT. But I knew I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I did and I would never want that to get back to my kids when they got older. Not knockin those who choose that route...I just know it wasn't for ME. I applied to probably 100 jobs last year. I currently have a full-time career, but I still get emails and letters stating I did not get a job I applied for or that position was canceled. Some jobs I don't even remember applying for!
Even when I was broke as hell...you rarely caught me sitting around doing NOTHING...asking people for food and money. I would hustle by day...writing...working part-time jobs...teaching...anything I could do to get some money. I always went to church...regardless how depressed I was feeling. There were some days when I knew I had enough gas to get to church, but wasn't sure if I had enough gas to get home. I sold so many of my things on craigslist...I got food from my church foodbank and friends...it was probably the worst/lowest part of my life. But I never gave up. I cried many days and nights...was so stressed I couldn't sleep. I would be up til 3am reading any and every book I could get a hold of...writing articles for $10-$20 a piece...then get up at 6am to get my kids ready for their day...then I would continue job hunting...writing...teaching...whatever while they were at school...I was ALWAYS doing SOMETHING.
Bottom line...you have the choice to do nothing and get by...or do something with a sense of purpose and KNOW you're going to make it. When I see these people on the corner...I see no hope...no determination...no motivation. Hold up a sign that says "NEED JOB...WILL WORK FOR FREE" instead of "Homeless with five kids." I don't care what you have or don't have...I am more interested in what you plan to do about it...what kind of work ethic you have...how bad you want to get off that freakin corner and never go back to it. Instead of sitting outside of Walmart because so many people are passing by you...get your ass up, clean yourself up in the walmart bathroom, and talk to the manager every day until they give you a job...walk into every store and introduce yourself and say you're looking for a job...do that every day. Don't tell me your sob story...nobody wants to hear that. People want to know what you have inside of you that says you deserve a chance. It's not until AFTER you make it that people want to know your story. It is what it is.
If YOU don't believe in yourself...it's rare that anybody else will. I KNEW I was going to make it...nobody could tell me any different. I am not completely where I want to be, but I KNOW I'm going to get there. I really don't care what anybody says about me...or what they think of my past circumstances. I KNOW where I am going and that's all that matters. People have told me they could tell I was going to make it because I always had determination. I get joked a lot about making a way out of no way...working so many jobs...finding ways to call when my phone, cable and internet was shut off...the cheap meals I created but fed my kids til they were full...the tiny ass apartment I lived in at one point...but I don't care. I'd rather get joked about making a way...compared to getting joked about sitting on my ass, on a corner, looking for handouts. You will ALWAYS see me hustle.
It takes WORK to find a job. Instead of sitting your ass on the corner...take it to a damn library, or employment office, or church! Instead of sitting and eating for free....WORK FOR FREE and maybe in turn someone will offer you a job because they see you up and DOING SOMETHING! I had a rough year last year. I was practically jobless, but I always kept working. Some weeks I made $100...some weeks I made $10...by doing whatever I had to do to feed my kids and get them to and from school. None of the work I did was sexual...or drug related. That's another myth...that you have to work the pole or sell drugs to make it. Don't get me wrong...I thought about it...a LOT. But I knew I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I did and I would never want that to get back to my kids when they got older. Not knockin those who choose that route...I just know it wasn't for ME. I applied to probably 100 jobs last year. I currently have a full-time career, but I still get emails and letters stating I did not get a job I applied for or that position was canceled. Some jobs I don't even remember applying for!
Even when I was broke as hell...you rarely caught me sitting around doing NOTHING...asking people for food and money. I would hustle by day...writing...working part-time jobs...teaching...anything I could do to get some money. I always went to church...regardless how depressed I was feeling. There were some days when I knew I had enough gas to get to church, but wasn't sure if I had enough gas to get home. I sold so many of my things on craigslist...I got food from my church foodbank and friends...it was probably the worst/lowest part of my life. But I never gave up. I cried many days and nights...was so stressed I couldn't sleep. I would be up til 3am reading any and every book I could get a hold of...writing articles for $10-$20 a piece...then get up at 6am to get my kids ready for their day...then I would continue job hunting...writing...teaching...whatever while they were at school...I was ALWAYS doing SOMETHING.
Bottom line...you have the choice to do nothing and get by...or do something with a sense of purpose and KNOW you're going to make it. When I see these people on the corner...I see no hope...no determination...no motivation. Hold up a sign that says "NEED JOB...WILL WORK FOR FREE" instead of "Homeless with five kids." I don't care what you have or don't have...I am more interested in what you plan to do about it...what kind of work ethic you have...how bad you want to get off that freakin corner and never go back to it. Instead of sitting outside of Walmart because so many people are passing by you...get your ass up, clean yourself up in the walmart bathroom, and talk to the manager every day until they give you a job...walk into every store and introduce yourself and say you're looking for a job...do that every day. Don't tell me your sob story...nobody wants to hear that. People want to know what you have inside of you that says you deserve a chance. It's not until AFTER you make it that people want to know your story. It is what it is.
If YOU don't believe in yourself...it's rare that anybody else will. I KNEW I was going to make it...nobody could tell me any different. I am not completely where I want to be, but I KNOW I'm going to get there. I really don't care what anybody says about me...or what they think of my past circumstances. I KNOW where I am going and that's all that matters. People have told me they could tell I was going to make it because I always had determination. I get joked a lot about making a way out of no way...working so many jobs...finding ways to call when my phone, cable and internet was shut off...the cheap meals I created but fed my kids til they were full...the tiny ass apartment I lived in at one point...but I don't care. I'd rather get joked about making a way...compared to getting joked about sitting on my ass, on a corner, looking for handouts. You will ALWAYS see me hustle.
Honey...I'm Home!
Yup...I am HOME people! I have a home...and I love my little home. No...I did not buy a house...I am currently renting a little townhome. However, if you have followed my blogs...you would know what I am talking about when I say I am home.
The more I decorate...the more it feels like home. My special touches...on my special place. I love that. There's nothing better than knowing you don't have to move...until you WANT to. There have been so many places I have moved to...that I didn't want to move to...and some that I have moved out of...that I didn't want to move out of. This time...I'm staying put. I am not going ANYWHERE for at LEAST four years. I always thought I wanted to buy a home...but right now, I really just want to travel. The home can wait. So unless God has some trick up his sleeve...like a husband or something...I vow not to move until 2016 or later.
That's all I got today. I woke up feeling so blessed and happy...in my home...that I just had to share. Gotta get ready for church...Enjoy your days!
The more I decorate...the more it feels like home. My special touches...on my special place. I love that. There's nothing better than knowing you don't have to move...until you WANT to. There have been so many places I have moved to...that I didn't want to move to...and some that I have moved out of...that I didn't want to move out of. This time...I'm staying put. I am not going ANYWHERE for at LEAST four years. I always thought I wanted to buy a home...but right now, I really just want to travel. The home can wait. So unless God has some trick up his sleeve...like a husband or something...I vow not to move until 2016 or later.
That's all I got today. I woke up feeling so blessed and happy...in my home...that I just had to share. Gotta get ready for church...Enjoy your days!
His Daughter
I am his daughter. You may think I am speaking about God...I am His daughter...but I am talking about another Ronnie. I am Ronnie Martin's daughter and I am very proud to say that.
You don't realize how much of your parents you really are...until you grow up and become an adult/parent. I am a lot like my mom AND my dad. My mom gave me the stubbornness that I have...the part of me that says, "If you ain't gonna help me...I don't care because me and God will do it without you anyway." The part of me that says, "I don't need to seek revenge because God will take care of it while I keep on movin." The part of me that learns as much as I can and is determined to get it right...comes from my mom. Being talented in many different things...comes from my mom.
So why did I title this "His daughter"? Because I was sitting here thinking about men. I just told someone today that I know I am going to end up with a man that is right for me. I know what that man is going to be like...because of my father.
My dad gave me patience. My dad won't rush into ANYTHING...until he has prayed about it..and is 100% sure he wants to do it. He doesn't rush to get anywhere...and if something happens to mess up his plans...that's okay, because it will be okay. The part of me that says, "Calm down, it's not the end of the world" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "I will listen to you...but that doesn't mean I'm going to agree" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "If you're going to do it, be good at it. Don't settle for mediocrity," comes from my dad.
My dad never really talked to me about boys/men. All he ever said when I was younger was, "You don't need no boys calling here or coming over. You're not allowed to date." When I was a teenager, it was, "God intended sex for marriage." Although my dad never TALKED to me about boys...he did a really good job SHOWING me what to look for. I didn't realize this of course, until after I got married and after I filed the divorce papers. I realize that a lot of the things I want from a man...I got from being his daughter...my dad's daughter.
The only real necklaces that I owned came from my father...and I had one from the ex-husband. They were real gold, and some had real diamonds/sapphires. I like musicals...and would sit up several late nights watching musicals with my father...especially "Singin' in the Rain." My dad took me to most of my practices...basketball, gymnastics, piano...etc. so we spent a lot of time in the car together. He rarely had the radio on...and if he did...it was a preacher preaching on the radio. My dad is a man of few words...but when he speaks (or is angry) we know to listen...or to stay away lol. My dad never used curse words...at least not around me. I remember the first time I heard him say, "CRAP!" I was in total shock!! I went home and told my mom! I couldn't believe it! My dad was human! I had no idea...but that was a really cool moment to know my dad makes mistakes too. I remember one valentines day...my dad took me and my mom to a play at Stockton State College...then to a really fancy dinner. My dad had his ways of making me feel special. I remember I had a gymnastics exhibition at some kind of fair...but I felt ashamed in my leotard because I was so much bigger than the other girls. It was summer time and we weren't allowed to wear shorts with the leotard like we did at practice. When we got to the exhibition and I saw my group in the leotards, I didn't want to go over there and do it. I told my dad, "I don't want to do it anymore." I think he saw my insecurity, and said, "Okay." and we walked around and enjoyed the fair. He never questioned me why I didn't want to do it, and he didn't force me to do it either. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My father never made me feel ashamed of who I was, what I liked or how I looked like.
And as I sit here and think about the men I have let into my life...I can't say those things about them. I'm not trying to bash them...or say they are bad people. I don't even want to talk about them. I just know how I felt...as that awkward girl growing up, bigger than her friends, not the most popular, very very shy...in hindsight...pretty nerdy. But I was cool to my dad. If he thought my hair looked a mess...he would send me to the hairdresser. If I needed new clothes...he would give me the money to go shopping. If there was a need...he provided and never questioned me about it or made me feel bad about my needs.
Today I am a firefighter. I am able to do my job...and remain ladylike while doing it...because of my dad. I'm sure people wonder about why I style my hair for work, knowing I'm going to put a helmet on or get dirty...but my dad told me a long time ago..in so many words, "Just because you're around a bunch of men...or other girls choose to look masculine...do your hair anyway. You're a woman."
I know this is long...you may not even have read down this far. I just have a lot to thank my parents for. Both my mom and my dad. I don't know where I'd be, or what I would be like, without them both in my life. I may not have a man in my life today...but because of my mother in me...that's okay. God will provide when the time is right. Because I grew up with a great father as an example..I have not settled for less than I am worth and I will be patient until that time comes. When that time does come...I hope my man has some of the qualities of my father...and can be the part of a man for me that my father is not able to fulfill.
You don't realize how much of your parents you really are...until you grow up and become an adult/parent. I am a lot like my mom AND my dad. My mom gave me the stubbornness that I have...the part of me that says, "If you ain't gonna help me...I don't care because me and God will do it without you anyway." The part of me that says, "I don't need to seek revenge because God will take care of it while I keep on movin." The part of me that learns as much as I can and is determined to get it right...comes from my mom. Being talented in many different things...comes from my mom.
So why did I title this "His daughter"? Because I was sitting here thinking about men. I just told someone today that I know I am going to end up with a man that is right for me. I know what that man is going to be like...because of my father.
My dad gave me patience. My dad won't rush into ANYTHING...until he has prayed about it..and is 100% sure he wants to do it. He doesn't rush to get anywhere...and if something happens to mess up his plans...that's okay, because it will be okay. The part of me that says, "Calm down, it's not the end of the world" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "I will listen to you...but that doesn't mean I'm going to agree" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "If you're going to do it, be good at it. Don't settle for mediocrity," comes from my dad.
My dad never really talked to me about boys/men. All he ever said when I was younger was, "You don't need no boys calling here or coming over. You're not allowed to date." When I was a teenager, it was, "God intended sex for marriage." Although my dad never TALKED to me about boys...he did a really good job SHOWING me what to look for. I didn't realize this of course, until after I got married and after I filed the divorce papers. I realize that a lot of the things I want from a man...I got from being his daughter...my dad's daughter.
The only real necklaces that I owned came from my father...and I had one from the ex-husband. They were real gold, and some had real diamonds/sapphires. I like musicals...and would sit up several late nights watching musicals with my father...especially "Singin' in the Rain." My dad took me to most of my practices...basketball, gymnastics, piano...etc. so we spent a lot of time in the car together. He rarely had the radio on...and if he did...it was a preacher preaching on the radio. My dad is a man of few words...but when he speaks (or is angry) we know to listen...or to stay away lol. My dad never used curse words...at least not around me. I remember the first time I heard him say, "CRAP!" I was in total shock!! I went home and told my mom! I couldn't believe it! My dad was human! I had no idea...but that was a really cool moment to know my dad makes mistakes too. I remember one valentines day...my dad took me and my mom to a play at Stockton State College...then to a really fancy dinner. My dad had his ways of making me feel special. I remember I had a gymnastics exhibition at some kind of fair...but I felt ashamed in my leotard because I was so much bigger than the other girls. It was summer time and we weren't allowed to wear shorts with the leotard like we did at practice. When we got to the exhibition and I saw my group in the leotards, I didn't want to go over there and do it. I told my dad, "I don't want to do it anymore." I think he saw my insecurity, and said, "Okay." and we walked around and enjoyed the fair. He never questioned me why I didn't want to do it, and he didn't force me to do it either. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My father never made me feel ashamed of who I was, what I liked or how I looked like.
And as I sit here and think about the men I have let into my life...I can't say those things about them. I'm not trying to bash them...or say they are bad people. I don't even want to talk about them. I just know how I felt...as that awkward girl growing up, bigger than her friends, not the most popular, very very shy...in hindsight...pretty nerdy. But I was cool to my dad. If he thought my hair looked a mess...he would send me to the hairdresser. If I needed new clothes...he would give me the money to go shopping. If there was a need...he provided and never questioned me about it or made me feel bad about my needs.
Today I am a firefighter. I am able to do my job...and remain ladylike while doing it...because of my dad. I'm sure people wonder about why I style my hair for work, knowing I'm going to put a helmet on or get dirty...but my dad told me a long time ago..in so many words, "Just because you're around a bunch of men...or other girls choose to look masculine...do your hair anyway. You're a woman."
I know this is long...you may not even have read down this far. I just have a lot to thank my parents for. Both my mom and my dad. I don't know where I'd be, or what I would be like, without them both in my life. I may not have a man in my life today...but because of my mother in me...that's okay. God will provide when the time is right. Because I grew up with a great father as an example..I have not settled for less than I am worth and I will be patient until that time comes. When that time does come...I hope my man has some of the qualities of my father...and can be the part of a man for me that my father is not able to fulfill.
Toilet paper...over or under?
How you hang your toilet paper has become a nationwide question. Oprah herself...discussed on her talk show which way the toilet paper should hang. If Oprah talked about it...it MUST mean SOMETHING!
I think toilet paper should hang over top. That way it doesn't rub against the wall...you can see the end and not have to feel underneath for it...and it just LOOKS better! DUHHHHH!
So how does YOUR toilet paper hang? What does that say about you???? go to this link and find out:
http://laughingsquid.com/what-your-toilet-paper-says-about-you/
Okay...I am the first pic...so now that you've seen what it says about YOU...do you agree? I do. Especially about the last two ways...the one with the damn roll sitting on top of the empty one...and both rolls empty. I see the last two A LOT at my job. And YES it's from the damn men in my firehouse! lol I constantly replace empty rolls on my shift...or put the new roll on the holder instead of it sitting on top of the empty roll. And yes...when both are empty...I hate you. Yup. I do. Because one of these days...I'm really gonna have to pee...run into the stall...pee...and look up to see two empty muthafuckas on that bar and I'ma be pissed!
My Love (or former love...his new name has yet to be established yet cause there's still love there) but anyway...he has a hard time remembering to put the damn roll on too. Which I think is crazy cause this negra has OCD^2...but for some reason does not find it as important to put the freakin roll on the bar. I don't understand.
Food for thought. I am procrastinating writing a paper...gnite!
I think toilet paper should hang over top. That way it doesn't rub against the wall...you can see the end and not have to feel underneath for it...and it just LOOKS better! DUHHHHH!
So how does YOUR toilet paper hang? What does that say about you???? go to this link and find out:
http://laughingsquid.com/what-your-toilet-paper-says-about-you/
Okay...I am the first pic...so now that you've seen what it says about YOU...do you agree? I do. Especially about the last two ways...the one with the damn roll sitting on top of the empty one...and both rolls empty. I see the last two A LOT at my job. And YES it's from the damn men in my firehouse! lol I constantly replace empty rolls on my shift...or put the new roll on the holder instead of it sitting on top of the empty roll. And yes...when both are empty...I hate you. Yup. I do. Because one of these days...I'm really gonna have to pee...run into the stall...pee...and look up to see two empty muthafuckas on that bar and I'ma be pissed!
My Love (or former love...his new name has yet to be established yet cause there's still love there) but anyway...he has a hard time remembering to put the damn roll on too. Which I think is crazy cause this negra has OCD^2...but for some reason does not find it as important to put the freakin roll on the bar. I don't understand.
Food for thought. I am procrastinating writing a paper...gnite!
Your Letter
Dear Love,
Thank you so much for surrounding me every day. I feel your presence when I am down and because of you I am able to be lifted up every time. These past few years have been pretty rough. My heart would not let you in no matter how many times you tried to squeeze through...but somehow you've managed to not only get in, but to get in an spread completely through my every being.
It's hard to live a life without you. I know this because at one point I didn't have you. If I don't have you...I can't share you. A life without you is full of anger...resentment...hurt and pain. It took some time...but I am so thankful to have you back in my life.
I have just finished listening to Whitney Houston sing "The Greatest Love of All." She is right...I find my strength in you. I am such a better person inside and out because of you. You make me feel so good inside that I just want to smile as much as possible.
Tomorrow is your day! I will be wearing your color...which is my favorite color...and send you to as many people as I can. Thank you so much for all you have done...
Yours,
~Ronny~
Sniff a Dick
Men can smell when another man goes near their woman. Even if it's not TECHNICALLY their woman, if a man has a general interest in you...the minute another dick gets near you...he will start acting funny. However...this only will happen when you are with a man. If you're single and looking...or waiting..nothing will happen until you decide to be with a man. Then...all the men you thought about while you were single will call you...text you...you'll bump into them at the grocery store and at the gas station. Pick the most random spot...that's where you will bump into the man you were thinking about...before you decided to be with your boo.
I had a boo once...he never payed attention to ANYTHING or ANYWHERE I went. The one night I decided to hang out with an old guy-friend...my boo decided to call me a thousand times before I got into the car...then proceeded to text me every five minutes for the next 10 hours. Obviously this is exaggerated...but my boo called me a LOT more than he would have.. had I been alone that night. I always say men smell dick a mile away.
I've never considered myself a cheater. It takes too much lying and sneaking around to cheat. Don't get me wrong...I've tried it before and BOOM...caught within what..the first day??? Mind you...I never even slept with the guy...just went to a bar for a drink. But yea...caught. I gave it up after that. It's just not in me to lie like that. I don't think it's necessary. There are so many people out there that are okay with their mate fuckin other people and spending time with the other sex...that there really is no need to lie and cheat. WHY? I still have yet to understand.
Sometimes I think I should just go with the flow...and do what most people do. Be with one person, but have another on the side...or several on the side. Have the "open" relationship...and not care or be Ray Charles to that side of the relationship...as long as my man is coming home to me every night. But then I think...nope. Not for me. I just want one. One is enough. I want one person to have me and all my love...and I want the same in return. Everything I have prayed for has been answered already...except that.
It makes me think of the story about the guy stuck on a rock as the tide began to rise. He says, "God...save me!" A boat came by...the rescuers told the guy to get in...and the guy says, "No! I'm waiting for God...He will save me. Then a helicopter drops down a rope and the rescuers tell the guy to climb up. The guy says, "No! I'm waiting for God...He will save me!" Long story short...the tide rises and the guy drowns. When he gets to heaven he says, "God! Why didn't you save me?" and God replied, "I sent a boat and a helicopter!"
That's how I feel about my man situation. I wonder if I'm praying for God to tell me an answer...and God is saying to me, "Don't you see the million neon flags flying right in front of your face? I used red flags for your ex-husband, but since you didn't see those...I switched to neon this time around!"
Late night thoughts...goodnight. I have work tomorrow...
I had a boo once...he never payed attention to ANYTHING or ANYWHERE I went. The one night I decided to hang out with an old guy-friend...my boo decided to call me a thousand times before I got into the car...then proceeded to text me every five minutes for the next 10 hours. Obviously this is exaggerated...but my boo called me a LOT more than he would have.. had I been alone that night. I always say men smell dick a mile away.
I've never considered myself a cheater. It takes too much lying and sneaking around to cheat. Don't get me wrong...I've tried it before and BOOM...caught within what..the first day??? Mind you...I never even slept with the guy...just went to a bar for a drink. But yea...caught. I gave it up after that. It's just not in me to lie like that. I don't think it's necessary. There are so many people out there that are okay with their mate fuckin other people and spending time with the other sex...that there really is no need to lie and cheat. WHY? I still have yet to understand.
Sometimes I think I should just go with the flow...and do what most people do. Be with one person, but have another on the side...or several on the side. Have the "open" relationship...and not care or be Ray Charles to that side of the relationship...as long as my man is coming home to me every night. But then I think...nope. Not for me. I just want one. One is enough. I want one person to have me and all my love...and I want the same in return. Everything I have prayed for has been answered already...except that.
It makes me think of the story about the guy stuck on a rock as the tide began to rise. He says, "God...save me!" A boat came by...the rescuers told the guy to get in...and the guy says, "No! I'm waiting for God...He will save me. Then a helicopter drops down a rope and the rescuers tell the guy to climb up. The guy says, "No! I'm waiting for God...He will save me!" Long story short...the tide rises and the guy drowns. When he gets to heaven he says, "God! Why didn't you save me?" and God replied, "I sent a boat and a helicopter!"
That's how I feel about my man situation. I wonder if I'm praying for God to tell me an answer...and God is saying to me, "Don't you see the million neon flags flying right in front of your face? I used red flags for your ex-husband, but since you didn't see those...I switched to neon this time around!"
Late night thoughts...goodnight. I have work tomorrow...
Pure Mud
Pure mud. Think about it...when you look at mud, do you see purity? When you think of pure...what comes to mind? White...virgin...liquor lol...but seriously..pure mud?
It is what it is. Mud. Can mud be pure? If you ever look at the definition of pure, it means "unmixed with any other matter." So think again...can mud be pure? What is mud? Dirt mixed with water.
Why am I so stuck on this...because I've felt like mud before. Water can be pure...but dirt? Mixing pure with impure leaves you with what...impure. However, that's not true when it comes to God. Stay with me now...God is pure. Nothing is mixed with God because God is. There is none before Him...nothing mixed with Him...He just is. We, however, are like mud. We have a little bit of this..a lil bit of that..lil bit of him/her...in us. Lots of different things, environments, people affect who we are inside and mix us all up like mud. When you take a good look at yourself, what do you see? I see mud. A lot of stuff mixed all up in me.
I may see mud, but I know my mud is pure. I know...how can my mud be pure when I just said mud is impure. My mud is pure because I have God in me. When I look at me, I may see mud, but all God sees is purity. He sees my heart...He is my heart. I always tell people, if you have God and a pure heart, everything will be fine. I am not saying you will never sin...but if you unknowingly do something wrong, with pure intentions, God will still bless you. If you confess the sins you have knowingly committed, God will still bless you. We cannot be perfect. Nobody is perfect. However, I believe people with impure intentions and impure hearts are surrounding us every day...and it's only a matter of time before those people realize they are living a life of impurity.
I'm not even sure if what I just said makes sense...but it makes sense to me :) It's so easy to judge others, look at them and see mud all over the place. But amidst the mud...there may be purity. Watch people around you closely. You can determine who has pure mud and who's mud needs a washin. But just because YOU may not be able to see the purity right away, doesn't mean it's not there at all. In due time, the truth always prevails...and God is the truth.
It is what it is. Mud. Can mud be pure? If you ever look at the definition of pure, it means "unmixed with any other matter." So think again...can mud be pure? What is mud? Dirt mixed with water.
Why am I so stuck on this...because I've felt like mud before. Water can be pure...but dirt? Mixing pure with impure leaves you with what...impure. However, that's not true when it comes to God. Stay with me now...God is pure. Nothing is mixed with God because God is. There is none before Him...nothing mixed with Him...He just is. We, however, are like mud. We have a little bit of this..a lil bit of that..lil bit of him/her...in us. Lots of different things, environments, people affect who we are inside and mix us all up like mud. When you take a good look at yourself, what do you see? I see mud. A lot of stuff mixed all up in me.
I may see mud, but I know my mud is pure. I know...how can my mud be pure when I just said mud is impure. My mud is pure because I have God in me. When I look at me, I may see mud, but all God sees is purity. He sees my heart...He is my heart. I always tell people, if you have God and a pure heart, everything will be fine. I am not saying you will never sin...but if you unknowingly do something wrong, with pure intentions, God will still bless you. If you confess the sins you have knowingly committed, God will still bless you. We cannot be perfect. Nobody is perfect. However, I believe people with impure intentions and impure hearts are surrounding us every day...and it's only a matter of time before those people realize they are living a life of impurity.
I'm not even sure if what I just said makes sense...but it makes sense to me :) It's so easy to judge others, look at them and see mud all over the place. But amidst the mud...there may be purity. Watch people around you closely. You can determine who has pure mud and who's mud needs a washin. But just because YOU may not be able to see the purity right away, doesn't mean it's not there at all. In due time, the truth always prevails...and God is the truth.
Almost Enough
Almost enough for you
But not enough for you to choose
My heart for your heart
I thought I had won it...
But reality says I lose.
Was I ever enough?
What went through your mind
As you spent days with me
But kept trying to find
That something or someone
Maybe better or new
'Cause I wasn't enough for you.
Maybe you're not for me.
If I gave you my love
But it caused you to run
Then it wasn't for you to receive
Not everyone knows my heart.
At first it was hard
But I still let you in
So filled with emotions
How do I begin
To explain how I feel
When you're not around
It hurts to know
That this person I've found
Grown to love and adore
To turn my I into we...
But just isn't for me
Anymore.
But not enough for you to choose
My heart for your heart
I thought I had won it...
But reality says I lose.
Was I ever enough?
What went through your mind
As you spent days with me
But kept trying to find
That something or someone
Maybe better or new
'Cause I wasn't enough for you.
Maybe you're not for me.
If I gave you my love
But it caused you to run
Then it wasn't for you to receive
Not everyone knows my heart.
At first it was hard
But I still let you in
So filled with emotions
How do I begin
To explain how I feel
When you're not around
It hurts to know
That this person I've found
Grown to love and adore
To turn my I into we...
But just isn't for me
Anymore.
No Place Like Home
Where do you consider "home"? I don't really have a home. I live in a house...but it's not my home. I consider New Jersey my home STATE...but when I go home at the end of the day...I don't really go to a home.
I came close to having a home. The beginning of last year...I lived in a beautiful home. I loved that place. I never wanted to leave it. That was the first time...in a long time...that I felt like I was going home at the end of each day day or each outing. I could see myself living in that home until my kids were grown. There were things I wanted to fix in that home...and things I would never change. I wanted to buy that home. I was soooooooooooo sad when I had to leave. I think that was the worst part of my year because if I could have made it one more month, I would still be living there today.
What makes a house a home? I lived in a beautiful, brand new town home when I first moved to Virginia. New hardwood floors, three bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, fully carpeted upstairs with white carpet, living and dining room, garage, built in computer nook upstairs, black appliances...it was gorgeous. So beautiful, but never felt like home. It was beautiful to look at, but felt empty every day.
So to answer the question, "What makes a house a home?" I say the people, their spirits and their livelihood is what makes a house a home. I've been in other peoples' homes...I've seen some that were super messy and could use a deep cleaning, but felt like home. The people were so loving towards each other and had such a joyful time being around each other. I've also been in some homes that are super messy and need a deep cleaning, and the peoples attitudes and behaviors matched the way the house looked and felt. The house felt nasty...but the people were nastier.
On the flip side...I've been in pristine, wonderfully decorated, super clean, immaculate homes...that didn't feel like a home either. I hate being in a "home" where I'm scared to sit down...for fear of putting an imprint in the cushion or dropping a piece of lent on the armrest. Homes, to me, are meant to be lived in. Don't get me wrong, I do like clean homes and I understand taking good care of your belongings. However, I think sofas are supposed to get broken in...plastic should not remain on the cushions unless you have small children (but then again you should buy kid-friendly items to avoid having to leave the plastic on) and at some point...wine/kool-aid/soda is going to spill SOMEWHERE in the house and it should NOT be the end of the world.
Why am I stuck on this topic tonight? I don't know. Just daydreaming about my home and where/what it will be like. I can't wait to have my own place again. To decorate it the way I want...make my own rules...have my own traditions/routines with my kids and stuff. Do things the way that makes us happy...in OUR home. I want to be in a home where I know I won't have to move again. I've moved 14 times in the past 10 years...and that's not considering the times we had to stay in hotels until a placed opened up for us to live in.
Anyway...one day it will happen...
I came close to having a home. The beginning of last year...I lived in a beautiful home. I loved that place. I never wanted to leave it. That was the first time...in a long time...that I felt like I was going home at the end of each day day or each outing. I could see myself living in that home until my kids were grown. There were things I wanted to fix in that home...and things I would never change. I wanted to buy that home. I was soooooooooooo sad when I had to leave. I think that was the worst part of my year because if I could have made it one more month, I would still be living there today.
What makes a house a home? I lived in a beautiful, brand new town home when I first moved to Virginia. New hardwood floors, three bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, fully carpeted upstairs with white carpet, living and dining room, garage, built in computer nook upstairs, black appliances...it was gorgeous. So beautiful, but never felt like home. It was beautiful to look at, but felt empty every day.
So to answer the question, "What makes a house a home?" I say the people, their spirits and their livelihood is what makes a house a home. I've been in other peoples' homes...I've seen some that were super messy and could use a deep cleaning, but felt like home. The people were so loving towards each other and had such a joyful time being around each other. I've also been in some homes that are super messy and need a deep cleaning, and the peoples attitudes and behaviors matched the way the house looked and felt. The house felt nasty...but the people were nastier.
On the flip side...I've been in pristine, wonderfully decorated, super clean, immaculate homes...that didn't feel like a home either. I hate being in a "home" where I'm scared to sit down...for fear of putting an imprint in the cushion or dropping a piece of lent on the armrest. Homes, to me, are meant to be lived in. Don't get me wrong, I do like clean homes and I understand taking good care of your belongings. However, I think sofas are supposed to get broken in...plastic should not remain on the cushions unless you have small children (but then again you should buy kid-friendly items to avoid having to leave the plastic on) and at some point...wine/kool-aid/soda is going to spill SOMEWHERE in the house and it should NOT be the end of the world.
Why am I stuck on this topic tonight? I don't know. Just daydreaming about my home and where/what it will be like. I can't wait to have my own place again. To decorate it the way I want...make my own rules...have my own traditions/routines with my kids and stuff. Do things the way that makes us happy...in OUR home. I want to be in a home where I know I won't have to move again. I've moved 14 times in the past 10 years...and that's not considering the times we had to stay in hotels until a placed opened up for us to live in.
Anyway...one day it will happen...
Be Still
Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10~
I think I wrote a blog mentioning me watching the Karate Kid (w/jaden smith) every day cause I don't have cable in my room. Well anyway, in the movie, the teacher says something like "there's a big difference between being still...and doing nothing."
Right now, I feel like I should be doing something...but God is telling me to just be still and know. My heart is hurting today. It's like this aching sadness in my soul...but yet my spirit is trying to comfort me. I always have something to say...but this time I don't know what to say. I can't explain. No words will ever come out and make sense of it. I listen to Him. I pray. I cry. I pray. I smile and try to make sense of it all and keep moving. I want to fight. I want to yell. I want to scream. And at the same time...I want to be silent. To meditate. To be still. I just want to be hugged. I want an answer. A reason. I want it to make sense. I have several theories in my head to give some sense to what happened and why. Is it to make sense...or am I just rationalizing...or is that the same thing. To rationalize is to give sense? But sometimes, you just can't make sense...and you just have to know that He is God.
Another night goes by as I fall into myself. Withdraw into myself...to be still. I pray...I cry. I listen. He hears me. He understands. He knows I am hurting. I know He knows...therefore I will be still...and know.
Once is all He needs.
Church service was coming to an end and the pastor did an alter call. I have seen the same man...go up for the alter call every Sunday, for months! Does he not realize that once you are saved...you are saved? God only requires you to ask Him into your heart ONCE. Once He's in there...He's not going anyway regardless of what you say or do. You can act however you want...backslide is what some call it...never fully surrender...be mad at Him...whatever. But if you said the prayer...acknowledging Him, accepting Him and asking Him to come in...you have been saved. He is now and forever a part of YOU.
Have you ever heard the milk analogy? If you take two glasses of milk and put chocolate syrup in them, do you get chocolate milk? Not necessarily. Even though chocolate is in both, it doesn't turn to chocolate milk until you stir it up. However, once you put the chocolate syrup in the milk, there is no way to get it back out. The same goes for God. Two people can have God in their hearts...but live and act in two different ways. One is being filled with the spirit, while the other isn't...but it does not mean the spirit has left.
If you are saved, you should know exactly when and where it happened. I got saved when I was little...maybe 7 or 8 years old. I remember exactly where I was...in Sunday school sitting at the end of those long brown, fold up tables we had at the church (like school lunch tables). I remember saying to myself, I want God in my heart because I KNOW I don't ever want to go to Hell...lol. But the moment I prayed a prayer and asked Him in, He's been there. Have I lived all my life as if He were there? Not always...but that's when I repented and tried again. He never left me...even though there were times I left Him.
So I say to you today...if you are saved, think about the time and place it happened. Why did you choose to do so at that particular time in your life? What was you life like before...and after? If nothing has changed, why not? Maybe you need to stir your milk.
If you are not saved...all you have to do is pray...acknowledge the fact that Jesus died for our sins on the cross and rose again. Tell Jesus you want Him in your life and ask Him to come into your heart. Simple. Once it's done...it is done. You never have to pray for salvation again. If you mess up, or stray from His path, repent. Repenting means to ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done (be specific when repenting, say exactly what you have done...it's between you and God).
Like I said, I have not lived a perfect life...nobody has and nobody can. But I know Jesus is in my heart and he is evident through my spirit and my life. Hopefully He is a part of yours too, and if not...maybe you will choose to let Him in.
Have you ever heard the milk analogy? If you take two glasses of milk and put chocolate syrup in them, do you get chocolate milk? Not necessarily. Even though chocolate is in both, it doesn't turn to chocolate milk until you stir it up. However, once you put the chocolate syrup in the milk, there is no way to get it back out. The same goes for God. Two people can have God in their hearts...but live and act in two different ways. One is being filled with the spirit, while the other isn't...but it does not mean the spirit has left.
If you are saved, you should know exactly when and where it happened. I got saved when I was little...maybe 7 or 8 years old. I remember exactly where I was...in Sunday school sitting at the end of those long brown, fold up tables we had at the church (like school lunch tables). I remember saying to myself, I want God in my heart because I KNOW I don't ever want to go to Hell...lol. But the moment I prayed a prayer and asked Him in, He's been there. Have I lived all my life as if He were there? Not always...but that's when I repented and tried again. He never left me...even though there were times I left Him.
So I say to you today...if you are saved, think about the time and place it happened. Why did you choose to do so at that particular time in your life? What was you life like before...and after? If nothing has changed, why not? Maybe you need to stir your milk.
If you are not saved...all you have to do is pray...acknowledge the fact that Jesus died for our sins on the cross and rose again. Tell Jesus you want Him in your life and ask Him to come into your heart. Simple. Once it's done...it is done. You never have to pray for salvation again. If you mess up, or stray from His path, repent. Repenting means to ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done (be specific when repenting, say exactly what you have done...it's between you and God).
Like I said, I have not lived a perfect life...nobody has and nobody can. But I know Jesus is in my heart and he is evident through my spirit and my life. Hopefully He is a part of yours too, and if not...maybe you will choose to let Him in.
Coming Soon to a Heart Near You
Love.
One word that can be defined with a million.
The root of relationships
An adjective of feelings.
Love.
What one hopes to experience at some point in life.
The reason you marry
A husband or wife.
Love.
A source of passion, strength and devotion.
Some try to falsify
And only go through the motions.
Love.
We crave it...yet can hate it because love knows no end
Who you thought was your soulmate
Is no longer your friend.
Love.
Does it hurt? Or is that contradiction
If you love someone, mean it.
Say it with conviction.
Love.
Don't take it for granted, real love is rare.
Embrace it, cherish it.
Receive it then share.
Love.
He can't handle it and runs every time
I can't force it. He don't want it?
Then someone else will get mine.
Love
So beautiful, peaceful, serene
Fills me all day...
Yet present as I dream.
Love
I could speak on until the world ends
Will always have love for
My family and friends.
Love
Those who are special may get my love too
If you have it, appreciate it.
Because I choose, not just happen, to really love you.
One word that can be defined with a million.
The root of relationships
An adjective of feelings.
Love.
What one hopes to experience at some point in life.
The reason you marry
A husband or wife.
Love.
A source of passion, strength and devotion.
Some try to falsify
And only go through the motions.
Love.
We crave it...yet can hate it because love knows no end
Who you thought was your soulmate
Is no longer your friend.
Love.
Does it hurt? Or is that contradiction
If you love someone, mean it.
Say it with conviction.
Love.
Don't take it for granted, real love is rare.
Embrace it, cherish it.
Receive it then share.
Love.
He can't handle it and runs every time
I can't force it. He don't want it?
Then someone else will get mine.
Love
So beautiful, peaceful, serene
Fills me all day...
Yet present as I dream.
Love
I could speak on until the world ends
Will always have love for
My family and friends.
Love
Those who are special may get my love too
If you have it, appreciate it.
Because I choose, not just happen, to really love you.
HIPAA
So...you ever want to talk about something, because you know you need to talk about it...but don't really feel like talking about it...or not have anybody to talk to? Or maybe you have somebody to talk to, but you really don't want to talk to that person because you really don't know that person, but you do know that person understands what you are feeling. You still wit me?
So...yea. That's what's on my mind. Don't get me wrong, I think I am okay. I just wonder who I will talk to when shit REALLY hits the fan. I have my homegirls you know....but they are in different states. So tonight I sit here and wonder....who can I run to???...lol SWV moment...but really, I do wonder who. I don't just talk to anybody. And somebody already knows that...so I am a little pissed at that somebody because they are a non-muthafuckin factor now. lol huhhhhhh i'm sorry I can't help it...that's not true, but that somebody really isn't a somebody I want to talk to for a while. So now I have to find a NEW somebody...but I don't like doing that either. Why? Because if you really knew me...you'd know I move at a handicapped, shell's too heavy snail-pace when it comes to really talking to someone...let alone trusting someone.
I'm in a really weird position. With my new job, I have a LOT of eyes and ears on me. People want to know what I'm thinking, how I'm dealing, what's my next move, will I fuck up and when/how, what's my motive, do I have an agenda...etc. They want to basically understand ME. Mmmmmm...not gonna happen. Unless you read and are able to make sense of my blogs :) But even so...you think you know...but you have no idea....
I titled this HIPAA because of that privacy act. You ever worked at a job where you have to abide by the HIPAA law? Pretty much everyone falls under that act at some point. I used to work at a pharmacy so I would see people I knew, get prescriptions for things I would have never thought...feel me? So I couldn't talk to ANYBODY about it because you never know who knows someone who knows someone. None of my jobs are worth the risk of divulging someone's privacy. How I feel right now fits somewhere along those lines. Because of my job, I am pretty sure I will have this type of feeling a LOT. So instead of me going out and searching for a new ear...I think I will just pray on it for now. I don't have a dying desire or need to share my true thoughts today, but I know that time will come sooner than later.
Peace out...I'm going to bed.
So...yea. That's what's on my mind. Don't get me wrong, I think I am okay. I just wonder who I will talk to when shit REALLY hits the fan. I have my homegirls you know....but they are in different states. So tonight I sit here and wonder....who can I run to???...lol SWV moment...but really, I do wonder who. I don't just talk to anybody. And somebody already knows that...so I am a little pissed at that somebody because they are a non-muthafuckin factor now. lol huhhhhhh i'm sorry I can't help it...that's not true, but that somebody really isn't a somebody I want to talk to for a while. So now I have to find a NEW somebody...but I don't like doing that either. Why? Because if you really knew me...you'd know I move at a handicapped, shell's too heavy snail-pace when it comes to really talking to someone...let alone trusting someone.
I'm in a really weird position. With my new job, I have a LOT of eyes and ears on me. People want to know what I'm thinking, how I'm dealing, what's my next move, will I fuck up and when/how, what's my motive, do I have an agenda...etc. They want to basically understand ME. Mmmmmm...not gonna happen. Unless you read and are able to make sense of my blogs :) But even so...you think you know...but you have no idea....
I titled this HIPAA because of that privacy act. You ever worked at a job where you have to abide by the HIPAA law? Pretty much everyone falls under that act at some point. I used to work at a pharmacy so I would see people I knew, get prescriptions for things I would have never thought...feel me? So I couldn't talk to ANYBODY about it because you never know who knows someone who knows someone. None of my jobs are worth the risk of divulging someone's privacy. How I feel right now fits somewhere along those lines. Because of my job, I am pretty sure I will have this type of feeling a LOT. So instead of me going out and searching for a new ear...I think I will just pray on it for now. I don't have a dying desire or need to share my true thoughts today, but I know that time will come sooner than later.
Peace out...I'm going to bed.
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