Listen

The best thing you can do when trying learn someone is listen. Shut up and listen. Believe it or not...that used to come so easily to me, but somewhere along the line it changed. I used to sit and listen to any and everyone, hardly saying a word. Until recently, I would cut off people as they spoke, ask a question in the middle of someone telling a story or something, or just not listen at all and pick up on a word or two.

Lately I've been trying to listen. You know how they say..."when somebody tells you who they are, they are usually telling the truth"...or something along those lines. Well, My Love was telling me something about himself yesterday...and about 24hrs later, I heard what he was saying. I was trying so hard to hear something else, believe something else, or put my impression of what he should be.. onto him. It took me some time obviously, but I heard him. I shut up and heard him. Now, does that mean I understand? Nope. I don't understand how he thinks like that and I may never understand. But at the same time, I know for sure he doesn't understand 99.9% of my thoughts and how they even get into my head. He just knows my mind is ticking...always. But anyway...I heard him. What's confusing is that I heard him, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

This relationship thing is new to me. Scary too. VERY scary sometimes. I don't like not knowing. I need to know...I want to know...when...how...why not...who...where. I've been calming that need down a lot though. Simply because I am trusting. Trusting in God and trusting my man. I can't tell you the last time I trusted a man. It was years ago, and short lived. I think the biggest test of my trust for My Love was just last week. He asked me to be patient and wait a couple days so he could show me a good time. I said OK...and did. It was worth the wait. I enjoyed myself, got to dress up for once, and just really enjoyed myself and my time with My Love.

I've learned a lot through my time off and on with My Love. There's a lot of things I could say what I could have done differently or handled differently, but that's just part of the process. It sucks...don't get me wrong. But everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. Everyone is brought into your life for a reason and with My Love, I am learning how to love without limitation. I don't worry about the reaction I'm going to get, if/how he's going to respond, or what so-and-so is going to think/say or if I am doing it wrong. I am loving as best as I can right now. I'm sure there's always room for improvement. But I am loving My Love...not trying to..but doing it.

Anyway...the point of this whole blog was listening. I am listening. More importantly I am not running away from what I hear. Some things My Love says about himself upsets me, I don't agree with some things and I just don't like hearing some things. But I still have to listen. I am loving him by listening and not running for the door every time he speaks. I want to hear the truth and nobody knows the truth about My Love better than him.

The Opposing Team

My life has come full circle. I am not struggling. Don't get me wrong, my life is still not easy (doubt it will ever be easy), but I am making it. I have made it further than I could have ever imagined. I'm good, I'm happy, I'm in love and it feels really good to be in this place. God has really ordered my steps. I am pursuing a career that I would have never thought to pursue...but I have learned so much and am truly grateful. Every day I am being pushed mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I love it. If you asked me a year ago I would have never excepted or wanted the challenges I face today. However, now I welcome anything. With God I can do anything and get through everything.

I am about to be a firefighter. Yes...I said it. A firefighter. Would I have thought to pursue this career a year ago??? HELLLLLL NO! But today I feel I have found my calling...my niche...my place to be. I belong where I am right now. I push everyday to show I belong where I am right now. I love it. Others may not like it...or accept it...but I don't care what others think. I know I am where I belong and doing what I am supposed to be doing.

My love...I love him. I do. I've said it...I mean it...I feel it...I do it. It's a wonderful thing. I have no worries. I will admit that I do get my moments of doubt...but I get over them much faster than usual because I know God is in control...of me...of my life...of everything. Others think I'm crazy for taking My Love back...for being with him after what he has done and what we have been through...but I am believing he understands. If I am wrong...so be it. I'm in with an open heart...a clean slate...a new beginning. I am trusting. God. To fulfill the desires of my heart. My Love is a desire in my heart...I love him.

Unfortunately...not everyone has been accepting of my life coming full circle. Some of my family has been anything BUT supportive and even My Love had his moment of being on the opposing team. I've recognized my true friends and there are very FEW of them. That saying, "It's lonely at the top"...I feel that way sometimes. I feel lonely sometimes because there were some people who I really thought had my back...but didn't. They were hangin with me while I struggled...giving me all kinds of pep talk shit...then when I went out and did what I said I was going to do...they have nothing to say to me. It got to me...and made me upset...for a moment. But then I say to myself, "Ronny...you have come too far without those people...so why are you surprised? Keep moving. You will find better people."

May sound harsh but it's true. There are better people that are meant to be in my life. God is not done with me yet, and has not shown me all I should see. For those people that can't accept my success and achievements...I feel sorry for them. It's a shame. I never wish the worst on anybody...and I want everyone I know to have the best and to succeed. Unfortunately, some people cannot get themselves out of their own way to genuinely care for somebody else. And those are the people I specifically pray for.