Almost enough for you
But not enough for you to choose
My heart for your heart
I thought I had won it...
But reality says I lose.
Was I ever enough?
What went through your mind
As you spent days with me
But kept trying to find
That something or someone
Maybe better or new
'Cause I wasn't enough for you.
Maybe you're not for me.
If I gave you my love
But it caused you to run
Then it wasn't for you to receive
Not everyone knows my heart.
At first it was hard
But I still let you in
So filled with emotions
How do I begin
To explain how I feel
When you're not around
It hurts to know
That this person I've found
Grown to love and adore
To turn my I into we...
But just isn't for me
Anymore.
No Place Like Home
Where do you consider "home"? I don't really have a home. I live in a house...but it's not my home. I consider New Jersey my home STATE...but when I go home at the end of the day...I don't really go to a home.
I came close to having a home. The beginning of last year...I lived in a beautiful home. I loved that place. I never wanted to leave it. That was the first time...in a long time...that I felt like I was going home at the end of each day day or each outing. I could see myself living in that home until my kids were grown. There were things I wanted to fix in that home...and things I would never change. I wanted to buy that home. I was soooooooooooo sad when I had to leave. I think that was the worst part of my year because if I could have made it one more month, I would still be living there today.
What makes a house a home? I lived in a beautiful, brand new town home when I first moved to Virginia. New hardwood floors, three bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, fully carpeted upstairs with white carpet, living and dining room, garage, built in computer nook upstairs, black appliances...it was gorgeous. So beautiful, but never felt like home. It was beautiful to look at, but felt empty every day.
So to answer the question, "What makes a house a home?" I say the people, their spirits and their livelihood is what makes a house a home. I've been in other peoples' homes...I've seen some that were super messy and could use a deep cleaning, but felt like home. The people were so loving towards each other and had such a joyful time being around each other. I've also been in some homes that are super messy and need a deep cleaning, and the peoples attitudes and behaviors matched the way the house looked and felt. The house felt nasty...but the people were nastier.
On the flip side...I've been in pristine, wonderfully decorated, super clean, immaculate homes...that didn't feel like a home either. I hate being in a "home" where I'm scared to sit down...for fear of putting an imprint in the cushion or dropping a piece of lent on the armrest. Homes, to me, are meant to be lived in. Don't get me wrong, I do like clean homes and I understand taking good care of your belongings. However, I think sofas are supposed to get broken in...plastic should not remain on the cushions unless you have small children (but then again you should buy kid-friendly items to avoid having to leave the plastic on) and at some point...wine/kool-aid/soda is going to spill SOMEWHERE in the house and it should NOT be the end of the world.
Why am I stuck on this topic tonight? I don't know. Just daydreaming about my home and where/what it will be like. I can't wait to have my own place again. To decorate it the way I want...make my own rules...have my own traditions/routines with my kids and stuff. Do things the way that makes us happy...in OUR home. I want to be in a home where I know I won't have to move again. I've moved 14 times in the past 10 years...and that's not considering the times we had to stay in hotels until a placed opened up for us to live in.
Anyway...one day it will happen...
I came close to having a home. The beginning of last year...I lived in a beautiful home. I loved that place. I never wanted to leave it. That was the first time...in a long time...that I felt like I was going home at the end of each day day or each outing. I could see myself living in that home until my kids were grown. There were things I wanted to fix in that home...and things I would never change. I wanted to buy that home. I was soooooooooooo sad when I had to leave. I think that was the worst part of my year because if I could have made it one more month, I would still be living there today.
What makes a house a home? I lived in a beautiful, brand new town home when I first moved to Virginia. New hardwood floors, three bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, fully carpeted upstairs with white carpet, living and dining room, garage, built in computer nook upstairs, black appliances...it was gorgeous. So beautiful, but never felt like home. It was beautiful to look at, but felt empty every day.
So to answer the question, "What makes a house a home?" I say the people, their spirits and their livelihood is what makes a house a home. I've been in other peoples' homes...I've seen some that were super messy and could use a deep cleaning, but felt like home. The people were so loving towards each other and had such a joyful time being around each other. I've also been in some homes that are super messy and need a deep cleaning, and the peoples attitudes and behaviors matched the way the house looked and felt. The house felt nasty...but the people were nastier.
On the flip side...I've been in pristine, wonderfully decorated, super clean, immaculate homes...that didn't feel like a home either. I hate being in a "home" where I'm scared to sit down...for fear of putting an imprint in the cushion or dropping a piece of lent on the armrest. Homes, to me, are meant to be lived in. Don't get me wrong, I do like clean homes and I understand taking good care of your belongings. However, I think sofas are supposed to get broken in...plastic should not remain on the cushions unless you have small children (but then again you should buy kid-friendly items to avoid having to leave the plastic on) and at some point...wine/kool-aid/soda is going to spill SOMEWHERE in the house and it should NOT be the end of the world.
Why am I stuck on this topic tonight? I don't know. Just daydreaming about my home and where/what it will be like. I can't wait to have my own place again. To decorate it the way I want...make my own rules...have my own traditions/routines with my kids and stuff. Do things the way that makes us happy...in OUR home. I want to be in a home where I know I won't have to move again. I've moved 14 times in the past 10 years...and that's not considering the times we had to stay in hotels until a placed opened up for us to live in.
Anyway...one day it will happen...
Be Still
Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10~
I think I wrote a blog mentioning me watching the Karate Kid (w/jaden smith) every day cause I don't have cable in my room. Well anyway, in the movie, the teacher says something like "there's a big difference between being still...and doing nothing."
Right now, I feel like I should be doing something...but God is telling me to just be still and know. My heart is hurting today. It's like this aching sadness in my soul...but yet my spirit is trying to comfort me. I always have something to say...but this time I don't know what to say. I can't explain. No words will ever come out and make sense of it. I listen to Him. I pray. I cry. I pray. I smile and try to make sense of it all and keep moving. I want to fight. I want to yell. I want to scream. And at the same time...I want to be silent. To meditate. To be still. I just want to be hugged. I want an answer. A reason. I want it to make sense. I have several theories in my head to give some sense to what happened and why. Is it to make sense...or am I just rationalizing...or is that the same thing. To rationalize is to give sense? But sometimes, you just can't make sense...and you just have to know that He is God.
Another night goes by as I fall into myself. Withdraw into myself...to be still. I pray...I cry. I listen. He hears me. He understands. He knows I am hurting. I know He knows...therefore I will be still...and know.
Once is all He needs.
Church service was coming to an end and the pastor did an alter call. I have seen the same man...go up for the alter call every Sunday, for months! Does he not realize that once you are saved...you are saved? God only requires you to ask Him into your heart ONCE. Once He's in there...He's not going anyway regardless of what you say or do. You can act however you want...backslide is what some call it...never fully surrender...be mad at Him...whatever. But if you said the prayer...acknowledging Him, accepting Him and asking Him to come in...you have been saved. He is now and forever a part of YOU.
Have you ever heard the milk analogy? If you take two glasses of milk and put chocolate syrup in them, do you get chocolate milk? Not necessarily. Even though chocolate is in both, it doesn't turn to chocolate milk until you stir it up. However, once you put the chocolate syrup in the milk, there is no way to get it back out. The same goes for God. Two people can have God in their hearts...but live and act in two different ways. One is being filled with the spirit, while the other isn't...but it does not mean the spirit has left.
If you are saved, you should know exactly when and where it happened. I got saved when I was little...maybe 7 or 8 years old. I remember exactly where I was...in Sunday school sitting at the end of those long brown, fold up tables we had at the church (like school lunch tables). I remember saying to myself, I want God in my heart because I KNOW I don't ever want to go to Hell...lol. But the moment I prayed a prayer and asked Him in, He's been there. Have I lived all my life as if He were there? Not always...but that's when I repented and tried again. He never left me...even though there were times I left Him.
So I say to you today...if you are saved, think about the time and place it happened. Why did you choose to do so at that particular time in your life? What was you life like before...and after? If nothing has changed, why not? Maybe you need to stir your milk.
If you are not saved...all you have to do is pray...acknowledge the fact that Jesus died for our sins on the cross and rose again. Tell Jesus you want Him in your life and ask Him to come into your heart. Simple. Once it's done...it is done. You never have to pray for salvation again. If you mess up, or stray from His path, repent. Repenting means to ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done (be specific when repenting, say exactly what you have done...it's between you and God).
Like I said, I have not lived a perfect life...nobody has and nobody can. But I know Jesus is in my heart and he is evident through my spirit and my life. Hopefully He is a part of yours too, and if not...maybe you will choose to let Him in.
Have you ever heard the milk analogy? If you take two glasses of milk and put chocolate syrup in them, do you get chocolate milk? Not necessarily. Even though chocolate is in both, it doesn't turn to chocolate milk until you stir it up. However, once you put the chocolate syrup in the milk, there is no way to get it back out. The same goes for God. Two people can have God in their hearts...but live and act in two different ways. One is being filled with the spirit, while the other isn't...but it does not mean the spirit has left.
If you are saved, you should know exactly when and where it happened. I got saved when I was little...maybe 7 or 8 years old. I remember exactly where I was...in Sunday school sitting at the end of those long brown, fold up tables we had at the church (like school lunch tables). I remember saying to myself, I want God in my heart because I KNOW I don't ever want to go to Hell...lol. But the moment I prayed a prayer and asked Him in, He's been there. Have I lived all my life as if He were there? Not always...but that's when I repented and tried again. He never left me...even though there were times I left Him.
So I say to you today...if you are saved, think about the time and place it happened. Why did you choose to do so at that particular time in your life? What was you life like before...and after? If nothing has changed, why not? Maybe you need to stir your milk.
If you are not saved...all you have to do is pray...acknowledge the fact that Jesus died for our sins on the cross and rose again. Tell Jesus you want Him in your life and ask Him to come into your heart. Simple. Once it's done...it is done. You never have to pray for salvation again. If you mess up, or stray from His path, repent. Repenting means to ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done (be specific when repenting, say exactly what you have done...it's between you and God).
Like I said, I have not lived a perfect life...nobody has and nobody can. But I know Jesus is in my heart and he is evident through my spirit and my life. Hopefully He is a part of yours too, and if not...maybe you will choose to let Him in.
Coming Soon to a Heart Near You
Love.
One word that can be defined with a million.
The root of relationships
An adjective of feelings.
Love.
What one hopes to experience at some point in life.
The reason you marry
A husband or wife.
Love.
A source of passion, strength and devotion.
Some try to falsify
And only go through the motions.
Love.
We crave it...yet can hate it because love knows no end
Who you thought was your soulmate
Is no longer your friend.
Love.
Does it hurt? Or is that contradiction
If you love someone, mean it.
Say it with conviction.
Love.
Don't take it for granted, real love is rare.
Embrace it, cherish it.
Receive it then share.
Love.
He can't handle it and runs every time
I can't force it. He don't want it?
Then someone else will get mine.
Love
So beautiful, peaceful, serene
Fills me all day...
Yet present as I dream.
Love
I could speak on until the world ends
Will always have love for
My family and friends.
Love
Those who are special may get my love too
If you have it, appreciate it.
Because I choose, not just happen, to really love you.
One word that can be defined with a million.
The root of relationships
An adjective of feelings.
Love.
What one hopes to experience at some point in life.
The reason you marry
A husband or wife.
Love.
A source of passion, strength and devotion.
Some try to falsify
And only go through the motions.
Love.
We crave it...yet can hate it because love knows no end
Who you thought was your soulmate
Is no longer your friend.
Love.
Does it hurt? Or is that contradiction
If you love someone, mean it.
Say it with conviction.
Love.
Don't take it for granted, real love is rare.
Embrace it, cherish it.
Receive it then share.
Love.
He can't handle it and runs every time
I can't force it. He don't want it?
Then someone else will get mine.
Love
So beautiful, peaceful, serene
Fills me all day...
Yet present as I dream.
Love
I could speak on until the world ends
Will always have love for
My family and friends.
Love
Those who are special may get my love too
If you have it, appreciate it.
Because I choose, not just happen, to really love you.
HIPAA
So...you ever want to talk about something, because you know you need to talk about it...but don't really feel like talking about it...or not have anybody to talk to? Or maybe you have somebody to talk to, but you really don't want to talk to that person because you really don't know that person, but you do know that person understands what you are feeling. You still wit me?
So...yea. That's what's on my mind. Don't get me wrong, I think I am okay. I just wonder who I will talk to when shit REALLY hits the fan. I have my homegirls you know....but they are in different states. So tonight I sit here and wonder....who can I run to???...lol SWV moment...but really, I do wonder who. I don't just talk to anybody. And somebody already knows that...so I am a little pissed at that somebody because they are a non-muthafuckin factor now. lol huhhhhhh i'm sorry I can't help it...that's not true, but that somebody really isn't a somebody I want to talk to for a while. So now I have to find a NEW somebody...but I don't like doing that either. Why? Because if you really knew me...you'd know I move at a handicapped, shell's too heavy snail-pace when it comes to really talking to someone...let alone trusting someone.
I'm in a really weird position. With my new job, I have a LOT of eyes and ears on me. People want to know what I'm thinking, how I'm dealing, what's my next move, will I fuck up and when/how, what's my motive, do I have an agenda...etc. They want to basically understand ME. Mmmmmm...not gonna happen. Unless you read and are able to make sense of my blogs :) But even so...you think you know...but you have no idea....
I titled this HIPAA because of that privacy act. You ever worked at a job where you have to abide by the HIPAA law? Pretty much everyone falls under that act at some point. I used to work at a pharmacy so I would see people I knew, get prescriptions for things I would have never thought...feel me? So I couldn't talk to ANYBODY about it because you never know who knows someone who knows someone. None of my jobs are worth the risk of divulging someone's privacy. How I feel right now fits somewhere along those lines. Because of my job, I am pretty sure I will have this type of feeling a LOT. So instead of me going out and searching for a new ear...I think I will just pray on it for now. I don't have a dying desire or need to share my true thoughts today, but I know that time will come sooner than later.
Peace out...I'm going to bed.
So...yea. That's what's on my mind. Don't get me wrong, I think I am okay. I just wonder who I will talk to when shit REALLY hits the fan. I have my homegirls you know....but they are in different states. So tonight I sit here and wonder....who can I run to???...lol SWV moment...but really, I do wonder who. I don't just talk to anybody. And somebody already knows that...so I am a little pissed at that somebody because they are a non-muthafuckin factor now. lol huhhhhhh i'm sorry I can't help it...that's not true, but that somebody really isn't a somebody I want to talk to for a while. So now I have to find a NEW somebody...but I don't like doing that either. Why? Because if you really knew me...you'd know I move at a handicapped, shell's too heavy snail-pace when it comes to really talking to someone...let alone trusting someone.
I'm in a really weird position. With my new job, I have a LOT of eyes and ears on me. People want to know what I'm thinking, how I'm dealing, what's my next move, will I fuck up and when/how, what's my motive, do I have an agenda...etc. They want to basically understand ME. Mmmmmm...not gonna happen. Unless you read and are able to make sense of my blogs :) But even so...you think you know...but you have no idea....
I titled this HIPAA because of that privacy act. You ever worked at a job where you have to abide by the HIPAA law? Pretty much everyone falls under that act at some point. I used to work at a pharmacy so I would see people I knew, get prescriptions for things I would have never thought...feel me? So I couldn't talk to ANYBODY about it because you never know who knows someone who knows someone. None of my jobs are worth the risk of divulging someone's privacy. How I feel right now fits somewhere along those lines. Because of my job, I am pretty sure I will have this type of feeling a LOT. So instead of me going out and searching for a new ear...I think I will just pray on it for now. I don't have a dying desire or need to share my true thoughts today, but I know that time will come sooner than later.
Peace out...I'm going to bed.
Today.
Today is Thursday. It is 9:20am and I just felt like writing something. It's been a couple weeks since my last post...so HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2012 is here already...can you believe it? I look back at my year and think...DAMN! I've been through a lot. 2011 started out with bullshit...and ironically...that same bullshit tried to creep in on new year's eve day before 2012. It's all good though...it wouldn't be right for EVERYTHING to end perfectly...right? lol.
Well, I thought I had a lot to say. But you know what...I don't feel like saying it anymore. My mentality these days is "nothing is worth being angry about." If I can't talk through problems or trust any issues I am having will be resolved, then I am not going to have a life of peace. I spent last year being stressed the hell out and I refuse to go into this year...or any more years that way.
OMG! So I just wrote a whole paragraph and it got deleted. Well...I'm not writing it again. Maybe another day...Happy Thursday people... enjoy :)
Well, I thought I had a lot to say. But you know what...I don't feel like saying it anymore. My mentality these days is "nothing is worth being angry about." If I can't talk through problems or trust any issues I am having will be resolved, then I am not going to have a life of peace. I spent last year being stressed the hell out and I refuse to go into this year...or any more years that way.
OMG! So I just wrote a whole paragraph and it got deleted. Well...I'm not writing it again. Maybe another day...Happy Thursday people... enjoy :)
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