They're Fat Because of YOU.

Kids are getting fatter by the minute...why because of YOU! Parents that is...it is our fault and we need to take responsibility for it. I personally am no perfectionist when it comes to what my kids eat. However, I do know that when my kids eat McDonald's, Pizza or any type of junk food, it's a given that we will be at the playground for at least an hour in the same day. Then again, now that is almost summer, we are at the playground every day regardless of what my kids eat. I'm sitting in McDonald's as I type this and am mad because they replaced the playground with a flatscreen TV. The McDonald's near my home replaced the playground with computers. The other McDonald's near my home didn't replace anything...they just took the playground out...just cause. So because there is no playground, and my kids are not groomed to sit in front of a television...my five year old is driving me crazy hopping up and down in his seat and running back and forth to the soda machine (which by the way my kids often choose diet Pepsi). So anyway...as I was saying...we as adults need to teach our children how to eat, how to get exercise and how to find a healthy balance of the two. TREAT your kids to fast food, don't condition them on it as an everyday thing. Don't let them get the supersized. A kids meal will do. If they're still hungry...get them the apple dippers or the fruit parfait. The trick is...you have to act like it's special. Don't be like....ehhhh ya want the apples? Be like, Hey they have those apple dippers here!! They even come with caramel! Kids will feel your enthusiasm...from apple dippers, to vegetables, to baked fish. YOU set the tone so be mindful of your choices and your actions. Don't go to sleep after a big meal...get outside and do something instead. Your kids will thank you later...and YOU will be grateful when your child outlives you instead of the other way around. Today's generation is being predicted to die faster than their parents because of obesity. Think about it...

Stringing Me Along?…How Bout I Cut That String for You…

Don’t blame me for your anger…don’t blame me for your pain.
Don’t blame me for the same mistakes repeated time again.
I blame myself for stepping in, my baggage still not empty.
Because of that my heart was hard and fought what love you sent me.
You hate that I don’t trust in anything you say or do.
I cannot help you fed me shit and saved the cake for you.
You ask me what else you can give. Some truth and loyalty.
Be committed. Stop the games. Invest your love in me.
If that’s too hard then say goodbye...but don’t string me along.
Tank… I Can’t Make You Love Me. Listen to that song.
I love you but as time goes by it just becomes too much.
There is no trust…for now I think it’s best your string be cut.

Looking Within Myself

So lately, meaning the last couple of months maybe since Feb/Mar, I have been questioning a lot about relationships, love, trust…just the whole system within yourself that is the functional center piece of these things. You will probably see me write a lot on these topics because I would say they are at the forefront of my mind most days. Relationships, love and trust are not just something I think about regarding My Love, but with my kids, family, friends and co-workers as well. I know that even if My Love were not in the picture, I would still have to utilize these things and be capable of understanding them for anybody’s sake, especially my own, and not just his.

Well anyway, I’m reading this book for my class called “Integral Health: The Path to Human Flourishing” by Elliott S. Dacher. I have to say…this is the first time I’ve been in school and excited to do the reading for class and can’t wait to see what our lesson is about. Just so you know…the class is actually about stress and managing stress. But back to what I was saying…between this book and the Bible, I have learned so much about myself that it’s ridiculous. To admit I truly have a closed heart is not very hard for me because I do it on purpose…I never knew WHY…until I was reading last night. I remember having a conversation with My Love one night about our relationship…and he was like “what are you so afraid of? You’re afraid of SOMETHING what is it?” and I could not give an answer because even though I knew I was afraid too, I did not know why. I often wonder if something happened to me in my past that I just cannot remember… especially when it comes to men. But like I said, I can’t remember so it really does not help me now. But back to the book. Dacher points out on page 94...”We all know from personal experience how it feels to fully love and be loved. Yet too often the love we give and receive is more about ourselves than about others. We fear so we cannot be vulnerable. We protect ourselves so we cannot be fully open. We need control so we cannot fully surrender. We crave attention so we cannot be devotional. But as we expand our consciousness, we soften these barriers and our heart and arms slowly open.” So deep. So profound. So true…at least for me. I have an answer. To pray for an answer for what seemed to be FOREVER…and to receive it is truly a blessing. I thank God every day because it’s just another testament that He hears me, loves me and is helping me understand myself, whilst also getting to know and understand Him. Vulnerability is replaced with protection for me because of fear and the need to be in control. Why am I afraid…I’m pretty sure it has to do with getting heart. Nobody wants to be hurt. Nobody wants to fully love and not get it back in return. Sometimes we may let our guard down for the wrong person just for him/her to take advantage of it and use it against us. That’s painful…devastating…it can truly crush you and your spirit. But we have the choice to close our hearts to everyone else because of what happened, or to keep an open heart for the right person/people to find. It’s a difficult choice for me. To be open and vulnerable is really not my thing…but for me to be able to love and trust…it is something I need to learn and I am trying my best to do so.

What’s wrong with her…why she so quiet?

When I was little I was VERY shy. I can remember being at somebody’s house for HOURS just sitting in the same spot on the sofa, not saying word and watching the other kids play. I stayed very close to my mom or dad wherever we went and would freak out inside if they were dropping us off to be babysat or something. I often wonder how I ended up being so shy, especially because I am the youngest of six kids. Our house was often full of people and friends and there I was, off hiding somewhere…freaked out by it all, until I got comfortable enough to come out. When I think about it…it’s just ridiculous. But that’s just how it was…and sometimes still is. Being shy as a kid is sometimes not so bad because sometimes others think it’s cute and make an effort to get to know you. But it’s when it stays with you as you grow up, that it can really affect you in a negative way…at least it did for me. I hated school…all of it. Elementary, junior high and high school. I don’t remember a lot about it, but I do remember hating it. Every day to get on that bus and go to that place annoyed the hell out of me ‘cause I’d have much rather stayed home. Being shy always annoyed my mom and my sister. My dad is very reserved himself, I wouldn‘t say shy, but he never bothered me about it. But even today, I can hear in my head the many times my mom or sister would yell at me and say, “Speak up! You better learn to talk! Open your mouth Marie!” I can laugh about it now, but boy did they always get on my nerves with that! So anyway…does being shy affect me now? Definitely. I can talk, I can open my mouth and I can speak up now compared to when I was younger…but that is not without concentrated effort and years of practice. I read somewhere that in order to overcome being shy, you have to practice being outgoing…you know…fake it ‘til you make it. I’ve faked it long enough to where it is somewhat natural for me to speak to others…but the anxiety, nerves and stress behind being shy unfortunately still remain. I get so nervous sometimes I feel like I need to throw up, I sweat profusely and when it’s all over I have a headache. For a short time I was a military wife…being shy does NOT help in that situation. It’s probably part of the reason the marriage ended. Some outgoing people can get very frustrated by shy people…they sometimes just don’t understand it and regard it as something negative. Or they think they are helping by setting you up…you know, leaving you with a bunch of people you don’t know while he/she disappears…I understand they are trying to help, but that is the worst thing you can do…at least for me. I will not appreciate you for that at all. Well anyway…by the time I opened up enough to meet people and gain friends, it was time to move and to start all over again. SUPER stressful for me, but it wasn’t for him. He could make 10 friends in a day where I was lucky to come out with just ONE after a year. So…as I am writing this, My Love says, “YOU shy? Yea right, that’s a façade. Shy people don’t go out by themselves…like to a bar by themselves like you do. You’re not shy.” I take that as a compliment J Because that took YEARS of practice to get to the point I am at today. I can go to a bar by myself, but I have to give myself a peptalk the entire time I get dressed, during the drive, and not to mention during the 10-15 minutes I’m still sitting in the parking lot trying to get enough nerve to get out the car. But once I’m out, it’s on. I throw on my smile, pick up my pace, and go into where I’m going and make the best of it. So point of this story is…sometimes being shy sucks. But it is a part of me that I accept and have learned to overcome it enough to get through. Being shy kept me from activities and I refuse to let it stop me anymore. On a side note…I have also heard it makes me mysterious…which can be attractive to the opposite sex J hmmmmm…

I Lied...syke!...I'm Lyin :)

To say I have it all figured out would be a lie. To say I always know WHY I do some things would be a lie. So...to keep myself from lying, I follow this very simple concept...I TELL THE TRUTH. Don't understand why it comes so easily for me but I sure wish it came so easily for others. Sometimes I try to convince myself a person is lying to me to protect my feelings...then after a few seconds I say nahhhh bullshit. That person is trying to protect they damn self, they ain't thinking about me. Selfish. Lies occur because you're trying to hide something, keep something from being revealed, such as the truth. Anyone who knows me knows I really have nothing to hide. If you ask me a question I will answer truthfully. If I'm not comfortable doing so, I say so...but I'm not going to make up something just to give you an answer. If I feel you need to know something I will tell you...point blank. Don't ask my opinion if you cannot handle hearing something you may not want to hear. I am obsessed with asking questions. I do so to learn...about you...about what I ask...to hear your perspective...to get an answer...whatever. If I want to know something, I will ask (but don't think I always believe your answer...if it's too far off I will research or follow up with more questions...that's just how I do). If I have a problem with you or something you're doing...I will tell you. Don't like it? Then don't talk to me. And don't try to lie to me either...because not only do I have good instincts but I have a pretty good memory too (unlike someone I know)...but that's a whole nutha story. So I talk about this subject because I see it so often and it's annoying. One of my kids will lie to me and never admit it. My other child will lie at first, then if I ask him if he's lying, he will say yes. I can't be mad because both of them get a part of that from me. I would lie as a child but my parents always knew when I was lying...so I just stayed out of trouble to avoid having to lie. As I grew older...I've just learned it's so much easier to tell the truth and I really don't care if it hurts you. In my mind... you should be grateful and not upset :)

Hula Hoopin

My latest exercise craze is hula hooping and I don't mean with the plastic ones you buy at Toys R Us. Google your area and see if you can find a true hula hoop workshop...I never knew how to hula hoop until I met the ladies at the park. Ladies...want a way to please your man without purchasing a stripper pole? Learn to hula hoop...its the next best thing to the pole...my hips were gyrating like they've never done before...or I should say never as HARD as they have before. Great ab workout while you learn to move...size does not matter..Hula hoopin can be done by the littlest one up to the big girls. There is a hoop out there to fit everyone. Suggestions: try the hoop with water in it, the bigger the hoop the slower it moves and the easier it is to do it, and bring a towel cause it WILL make you sweat.

Gaining a Business Mentality

So anybody who knows me knows I never have less than three jobs at a time. Well, I can work, but that doesn't always mean I understand the business side behind the business I work for. Okay.. well two of my jobs I do...because I write and control what is written. It's pretty straight forward...I write, I get paid. However, my newest business adventure has been teaching me a LOT. I am learning all kinds of stuff that I never thought would be of interest for me. There are so many different ways to make money. Everything is strategic in the business world, down to the way a person says hello. So interesting.The art of networking is amazing and I think I am finally getting the hang of it. I am typically a behind the scenes type person so to be in the forefront has been challenging...but rewarding. I have met so many interesting people from all walks of life involved with many different things. All I have to say is...it's a SMALL world. You never know who lives near you, who grew up where you grew up or who knows who you know. I challenge you to speak to a new person every day...you never know what type of life the cashier at McDonald's lives or what the lady at the park walking her dog does for a living. You just might be surprised...

Oh…You Must Be Menstruating

You are technically not a woman until you menstruate and you can’t make babies unless you menstruate first. But did you know you cannot ask a man a question unless you’re menstruating? It doesn’t stop there…you cannot curse him out unless you’re menstruating…say no to sex you’re menstruating…god forbid you slap him…oh you must be on your period. Ridiculous. The menstrual cycle was not put in place by God for a man to use as an alibi for his negative behavior or as a cop-out to answering a question. I asked a question and got a bullshit answer…therefore I responded with a follow up question in order to clarify his answer was bullshit. Well, he responded with more bullshit…so the conversation was over. I keep it movin and start my day…only to be asked about five hours later…”What’s up??? Are you on your period or something? Asking me questions like that first thing in the morning then getting all mad…You’ve been moody lately…are you on your period?” No muthafucka maybe it’s YOU that made me moody! You ever think of that??? What is it with these men. So quick to speak on a cycle they will never experience and use it for any and everything they can think of just to do what they do best….AVOID. Last I checked, my period never got me out of anything! When I did gymnastics, my coach was like you better learn to use a tampon cause you can’t wear a pad with a leotard. During track season…you got cramps? You better go to the athletic trainer and get some pain killers or midol and get ya ass back out on the track. I’ve never even attempted to use my period to get out of work…for fear of being fired when I return. I am not Muslim and I do not swim with sharks. My period gets me out of nothing. If it’s not a valid excuse for us, it damn sure ain’t a valid excuse for men.

Just ‘Cause I Don’t Like it… Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Do It.

I don’t like it…but I do it. I don’t like to clean, but I do it. I don’t like to cook everyday, but I do it. If you’re going to judge me then come here and do it yourself. For some reason I like to do my dishes in the morning. When dinner is done, everything goes into the sink. Counters are wiped, floor is swept, but I will wash the dishes in the morning. My Love, who by the way is OCD, believes there should never be a dish in the sink. So when he comes over each night and says “what’s all this in the sink?” …I say…stop looking at the sink then or do the dishes yourself, because I will do them in the morning. Speaking of dinner…I don’t like to cook…but I do it. And when I do it…I do it very well. I know how to cook, at least most things, I would just prefer not to. I don’t see the problem with that. If the world went my way, I would have a chef and a landscaper/gardening man. Nothing turns me on more than a man cutting my grass…um! My Love did that for me once…damn damn damn! But then he hired his buddy to do it…he might want to rethink that decision J j/k… So yes, a gardener and a chef…I don’t mind cleaning…I think it’s cathartic. Don’t know what brought me to this topic…but it was on my mind…

He Spoke the Word When I Needed it the Most

Last week I went on an interview that will change the entire direction of my life (should I get the job). The day before the interview I purchase my suit. Hung it up. Looked at it, stared at it, all night long. I could not sleep. I was mad at My Love for something that day, but I cannot remember what for. So as I was awake at 2am, 3am, 4am all I wanted to do was call My Love. Around 4:30am I finally fell asleep...only to be back up at 6:30am to get my kids off to school and daycare. I ended up talking to My Love for a short moment and he advised me to turn off my phone and spend the time in prayer. I thought that was a good idea...so my last call ended at 8am...the interview was at 11am. We were out of bread so I had to go to the store to get some for my sons lunch. Well anyway, as I was driving to the store it started to rain...I mean it was pouring down raining. I was already super nervous as it was, the last thing I needed to be doing was driving through rain. An then the song came on the radio...I Believe..by James Fortune:

I believe
the storm will soon be over
I believe
the rain will go away
I believe
that I can make it through it
Oh Oh Oh Oh
I believe
It’s already done

Well if you've ever listened to the song...he speaks during the song and says something like.."You've been crying long enough...you've struggled long enough"... and that's when I lost it...straight balling in the car on the way to Krogers. But it doesn't end there...I got to the McDonalds 5 min away from my interview at 10am...an hour early...unheard of for me to be THAT early. So I called My Love to ask if I should eat something. He advised me accordingly and then proceeded to say...before you go into your interview put your hands in the air and say "all of you and none of me". I have never heard that before. I asked where he got it from and he told me a story in the Bible about <forget his name> struggling enough and going through enough that he had nothing left but to give it to God. I cannot remember the exact words but My Love said something like this to me, "Ronny, you have been through a lot, you've struggled enough sweetheart. You've done everything you can do..." he was saying the EXACT same words that were said in the song I cried to earlier! I almost lost it again....but I couldn't have my mascara run right before the interview. My Love...he spoke the Word to me when I needed it the most...for that I loved him even more because at that moment I learned a piece of My Love I never knew. It touched me. It really did. To wrap this up...I went on my interview...I think it went well. Got back in my car. And LOST it. You know...the cry that you can't breathe...you heave...you cry...you heave...you cry. A weight had been lifted. God took it. I did everything I could do. And now I wait...

How Do I Do It?

I don't know how I do it...I just do. I am told just about every other day "Ronny, I don't know HOW you do it." God. That's all I can say. I'm not trying to sound depressing nor am I looking for sympathy. I live by trying to stay in the present. I cannot afford to look too far ahead. I do it by taking each day at a time or else I will drive myself, and the people around me, crazy. I literally have to wake up each morning and address it as a new day. At this point in my life, I am not capable of looking a month ahead because I will lose the month I am currently in. Life is hard for me right now. It's no secret. I'm on the verge of a MAJOR break through but until then I have to keep pressing, I have to keep living, I have to keep working, I have to keep smiling and I have to keep loving. I look to my kids for inspiration on the days I wake up feeling I have no purpose. The nights I go to bed thinking I didn't accomplish half the stuff I needed to during the day, I pray for peace of mind and assurance that I am okay. With God, I am okay and will always be okay. By knowing that I am able to have peace, and to keep doing what I do.

Forget Love...Let's Talk About Money

Money. I seem to never have any. But...I always have what I need. God has taught me a LOT when it comes to money. It was through Him taking my money, and stability, away in order to bring me closer to Him. I had to TRULY rely on God in order to get through my patch. I lost it all...at least it seemed that way until I started listening to Him. Lost my marriage, lost my car, lost my home, was losing my man at that time, my job was falling a part...but I came through. He brought me through with very little money. To some, money is happiness, the meaning of life, live to work. Don't get me wrong, I work, I work a LOT...sometimes TOO much. Even though I need the money, I rarely ever work solely for the money. Ya feel me? Any job I takes has to have a purpose that I am passionate about or be a job I enjoy doing. Yes, I have turned down a higher paying job for a lower paying job I enjoyed. I believe I have the potential to make millions, I just have not come across the right outlet to do so. So until then...I will struggle to pay my bills, struggle to put food on my table, but all the while knowing God is preparing me for my high paying purpose. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I love and am being loved...nothing money could buy.

Trust...hmmmm to only know what that feels like.

I do not trust. How do you love if you do not trust? A new chapter…a new phase…a new experience I am dealing with. I trust nobody but God. My love…he trusts nobody either. Is that our common ground? Is that why we stay together? Are we together? He says so…but I do not trust. What I envision…does it exist? He says so. But does it exist with him? What do I do? Well...I choose to keep loving, myself and my love, and one day in love I will land where I am supposed to be. My love…I am learning to trust him. I have to in order to be truly free and truly open...right? Otherwise this merry-go-round is gonna keep going around...unless I just get off. It's like I'm on the horse that doesn't go up and down...I'm enjoying the ride, but I want my horse to go up and down too...do I stay on the horse and be grateful for the ride...do I get up and try another horse that I know will go up and down...or find another ride completely? Make sense?

How Does One Come to Love?

How do I love? Openly…at least sometimes. My love for my friends is shown with communication…small gestures…a listening ear…humor and availability. Not all of my friends have realized my truth depth of love for them, but that’s okay…they are still my friends…and they seem to be okay without knowing. My family, my blood, my kids are my lifeline. Unconditional love exists for these people. I could not take love away from them if I tried because I am a part of them and they a part of me. Forever I will love, and have love for, my family.

With All My Heart

My heart. Let’s talk about my heart. How does it work? Very systematically with a few glitches I cannot manage to fix (I think God put them there on purpose :) My heart loves, my heart feels. I am full of empathy, compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience. If you pay attention you will see those things shine through me...and possibly gain access to my heart. Be quick to judge? Too bad for you cause you’re missing out. Listen to another’s opinion about me? It’s not the same…you will never know the truth for yourself. If you're not going to like me, or hate on me, at least have a valid reason to do so.

I Feel You

Feelings. I have feelings…believe it or not. I am often told I’m “cold” or “hard.” If you think that…then you don’t know me. Your bad. To understand me, to trust me, to reach me is to know me. Get to know me. Take the time and get to know me. However, I will admit you may run into a problem. I might not LET you know me, or give you the time to get to know me J Sorry, can’t help it. Some habits die hard. So basically, if you have managed to hurt my feelings, pat yourself on the back because you have come a long way into my life to possess the ability to hurt me. I consider you dear to my heart. You have taken a path very few have been able to find…the path to my heart.

To Be Blunt or Not to Be...

The power one has to be BLUNT is amazing. You can’t do anything about it. Blunt is blunt. You can handle it or you can’t. Some think it’s rude, others consider it being “real”. I choose to be real, and if it happens to come out rude then I apologize. But I will never apologize for being real. You can never hurt my feelings by being real…telling the truth…letting me know what you think and how you perceive me or a situation. It’s the act of being blunt or real that I appreciate, however that does not mean I have to appreciate what you say, like what you say or agree with what you say.