Looking Within Myself

So lately, meaning the last couple of months maybe since Feb/Mar, I have been questioning a lot about relationships, love, trust…just the whole system within yourself that is the functional center piece of these things. You will probably see me write a lot on these topics because I would say they are at the forefront of my mind most days. Relationships, love and trust are not just something I think about regarding My Love, but with my kids, family, friends and co-workers as well. I know that even if My Love were not in the picture, I would still have to utilize these things and be capable of understanding them for anybody’s sake, especially my own, and not just his.

Well anyway, I’m reading this book for my class called “Integral Health: The Path to Human Flourishing” by Elliott S. Dacher. I have to say…this is the first time I’ve been in school and excited to do the reading for class and can’t wait to see what our lesson is about. Just so you know…the class is actually about stress and managing stress. But back to what I was saying…between this book and the Bible, I have learned so much about myself that it’s ridiculous. To admit I truly have a closed heart is not very hard for me because I do it on purpose…I never knew WHY…until I was reading last night. I remember having a conversation with My Love one night about our relationship…and he was like “what are you so afraid of? You’re afraid of SOMETHING what is it?” and I could not give an answer because even though I knew I was afraid too, I did not know why. I often wonder if something happened to me in my past that I just cannot remember… especially when it comes to men. But like I said, I can’t remember so it really does not help me now. But back to the book. Dacher points out on page 94...”We all know from personal experience how it feels to fully love and be loved. Yet too often the love we give and receive is more about ourselves than about others. We fear so we cannot be vulnerable. We protect ourselves so we cannot be fully open. We need control so we cannot fully surrender. We crave attention so we cannot be devotional. But as we expand our consciousness, we soften these barriers and our heart and arms slowly open.” So deep. So profound. So true…at least for me. I have an answer. To pray for an answer for what seemed to be FOREVER…and to receive it is truly a blessing. I thank God every day because it’s just another testament that He hears me, loves me and is helping me understand myself, whilst also getting to know and understand Him. Vulnerability is replaced with protection for me because of fear and the need to be in control. Why am I afraid…I’m pretty sure it has to do with getting heart. Nobody wants to be hurt. Nobody wants to fully love and not get it back in return. Sometimes we may let our guard down for the wrong person just for him/her to take advantage of it and use it against us. That’s painful…devastating…it can truly crush you and your spirit. But we have the choice to close our hearts to everyone else because of what happened, or to keep an open heart for the right person/people to find. It’s a difficult choice for me. To be open and vulnerable is really not my thing…but for me to be able to love and trust…it is something I need to learn and I am trying my best to do so.