The truth is always there, it's just a matter of deciding to look at it or to turn away. Justification is ALWAYS possible... I see it all the time. We can justify our actions with anything we want because as long as somebody believes the justification, then our actions will always be okay in someones eyes; which then makes it okay in our own eyes.
The biggest justification I see/hear is love. I did X because of love... I didn't do X because of love... I left her because I love X... I stayed with her because I love her... I ended it because I love myself... I took him back because I love him... Yes I did XYZ but it didn't mean anything because there wasn't any love there... love... love... love...
A word continuously abused. It's to the point that I don't even care if another person never says, "I love you" to me ever again.
Love is an action. And usually its those actions... or lack of those actions... that will tell if love is ever truly there or not. I can sit here all day and say, "I know he loves me" when that persons actions clearly say he doesn't.
Caring vs. Loving. Caring is not the same as loving. People with sympathy, empathy, compassion... care. It's just natural. Loving? Loving is a choice. Yes you can love everyone because God loves everyone... you can FEEL the love all around because love is around (some places).. but LOVING is an action and its an action that you CHOOSE to do for a specific person or specific people.
I am on the outside looking in... at when a person SAYS the word LOVE all the time... to several different people... but their actions say the complete opposite. My eyes have been opened... after much time of course... and after very upsetting experiences.
I loved a cheater... more than once. My actions said I loved them... my mouth said it too. But what have I learned? A cheater loves and a cheater cares. That IS possible. But they will never care or love you as much as you WANT or NEED them to. So you are always going to be left trying to justify that what love or caring you are receiving... is enough.
It sucks. And no matter what you say or do... it will never change... unless that person changes. We all know it's possible... but it's very rare in a cheaters world.
I think its sad... really sad. I don't enjoy watching others go through what I've been through... and I don't want to put myself through that again. So what am I doing? I just give it to God. I am full of love... I'm full of compassion... He's been allowing me to see the red flags and He's been giving me strength and courage to avoid them.
I don't know if there's a man for me... and I'm not worried about it anymore. At one point in time I was broken and incomplete. Today I am whole, happy and fulfilled. I feel more loved and cared about now... than I ever have before and there's no man in my life. I guess that's the way it's supposed to be huh... at least I figured it out while I consider myself young lol
Rain of Love
Rain tells the story of one going through pain... but it's not quite the same because rain doesn't stain like the blood in your veins when a wound has been opened it drips from your heart in a slow fluid motion... the blue turns to red as the oxygen consumes it .. conforms it.. it changes and somehow renews it to a red meaning life as if one were a rose gaining strength from the rain so its purity grows while the sun it breaks through piercing one cloud then another but there's not enough rays for the light to uncover whats hidden in darkness underneath the blue skies as the rain it keeps coming pouring heavily and cries out in thunder while glistening through flashes of light washing away sadness introducing fright as the storm passes over the heart trembles in fear for the time of life ending creeps eerily near but you choose not to feel it... rain caressing your cheeks for its saying something listen to love as it speaks... so cold yet so warm as tears blend with the moisture.. wholeness.. complete.. says of the inner voice your heart whispers loudly to gain understanding the rain of your love is simply demanding an open heart with its soul in the wind flying freely with the rain again and again release the arms wide and look up to the sky embracing the storm as it rumbles by living life taking hope through any circumstance.. circle in the rain and dance. Let love dance...
One Minute to Spare
So I ran my first 10k today... a race I was supposed to run five years ago but couldn't go because my baby was sick. Well anyway... I was pumped! So excited I could have peed myself (literally)... I just couldn't bring myself to use the port-o-potty lol I had worked last night which meant I got off work this morning... and went straight to the race.
So many people! So many fans and runners. Very neat experience because there were over 80,000 people who attended. Some dressed in costumes, parents ran with their young children, several had their watches ready and some brought their gameface.
That was me... I brought my gameface. I had a specific goal I wanted to achieve... run the race in less than an hour. I didn't care if my time was 59min59secs... I just wanted to finish 6.2miles in less than an hour. I didn't even wear my headset for fear it would be a distraction to have to hold my phone.
I took my place at the start.. and was off! First three miles... great. Enough space, felt good, and didn't feel tight or stiff. Fourth mile... started off great... but then I walked for a few secs. Got some water and kept it moving. Was still making great time. Fifth mile was a little tough. The sun was in front of us and really started to beam down. I walked another few seconds but got annoyed when people kept passing me and started running again. The sixth mile... O...M...G. Where the HELL was the finish line???!!! By then it started to get crowded. Everyone was making their way to the finish and all I wanted was to see the big finish line banner. It was nowhere in sight. I was haulin ass! (but probably looked like I was dying). I kept telling myself to just turn over your feet and you will get there. It took FOR-EV-ER to get there... but finally I saw it... the finish line! I hauled ass as best as I could cause by then my lungs were hurting. My watch said an hour.. but the people around me said 55, 54, 56 minutes is what they had on their watch.
I crossed the finish line. THANK GOD! I felt accomplished but super curious because I didn't know my time, but overall I was proud. I did it.. FINALLY. I celebrated with brunch with a friend.. then returned home. After only getting 3-4 hours of sleep at work, then running a 10k immediately thereafter... i was EXHAUSTED. Sleep took over me and I rested.
So I'm sure you're wondering... did I reach my goal?? I woke up and looked up my results.
60min47secs.
I couldn't believe it. My heart sank. I felt defeated. I didn't reach my goal. Hauled ass and still missed it. My mind kept rewinding... I shouldn't have walked. I should have kept running. Those walks cost me my minute.. I could have finished in less than an hour if I didn't walk. I should have picked it up at mile five instead of six. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... With only ONE minute to spare, what did I do wrong that cost me that minute????
Isn't this the story of life? When things don't go the way we plan, we think back to what we could have, should have, or would have done differently. The fact is, I probably could have practiced more, or ran a little harder, but I didn't. However, I KNOW I did my best today and gave 100% on that course. I left depleted with nothing left to spare.
This is how I approach my life as well. Things don't always go the way I plan, but at least I can always look back and know I tried my best.
Since I didn't make my goal, I now have another goal. I also know what I need to work on when I practice and have a better idea of how to pace myself for my next race. I learned something today... what more can I ask for. Same goes for life... I learn from my life and try to make changes and do better for next time. Because until you die... there will always be another day ahead of you.
You can't change the past, but damn sure can make changes for the future.
So many people! So many fans and runners. Very neat experience because there were over 80,000 people who attended. Some dressed in costumes, parents ran with their young children, several had their watches ready and some brought their gameface.
That was me... I brought my gameface. I had a specific goal I wanted to achieve... run the race in less than an hour. I didn't care if my time was 59min59secs... I just wanted to finish 6.2miles in less than an hour. I didn't even wear my headset for fear it would be a distraction to have to hold my phone.
I took my place at the start.. and was off! First three miles... great. Enough space, felt good, and didn't feel tight or stiff. Fourth mile... started off great... but then I walked for a few secs. Got some water and kept it moving. Was still making great time. Fifth mile was a little tough. The sun was in front of us and really started to beam down. I walked another few seconds but got annoyed when people kept passing me and started running again. The sixth mile... O...M...G. Where the HELL was the finish line???!!! By then it started to get crowded. Everyone was making their way to the finish and all I wanted was to see the big finish line banner. It was nowhere in sight. I was haulin ass! (but probably looked like I was dying). I kept telling myself to just turn over your feet and you will get there. It took FOR-EV-ER to get there... but finally I saw it... the finish line! I hauled ass as best as I could cause by then my lungs were hurting. My watch said an hour.. but the people around me said 55, 54, 56 minutes is what they had on their watch.
I crossed the finish line. THANK GOD! I felt accomplished but super curious because I didn't know my time, but overall I was proud. I did it.. FINALLY. I celebrated with brunch with a friend.. then returned home. After only getting 3-4 hours of sleep at work, then running a 10k immediately thereafter... i was EXHAUSTED. Sleep took over me and I rested.
So I'm sure you're wondering... did I reach my goal?? I woke up and looked up my results.
60min47secs.
I couldn't believe it. My heart sank. I felt defeated. I didn't reach my goal. Hauled ass and still missed it. My mind kept rewinding... I shouldn't have walked. I should have kept running. Those walks cost me my minute.. I could have finished in less than an hour if I didn't walk. I should have picked it up at mile five instead of six. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... With only ONE minute to spare, what did I do wrong that cost me that minute????
Isn't this the story of life? When things don't go the way we plan, we think back to what we could have, should have, or would have done differently. The fact is, I probably could have practiced more, or ran a little harder, but I didn't. However, I KNOW I did my best today and gave 100% on that course. I left depleted with nothing left to spare.
This is how I approach my life as well. Things don't always go the way I plan, but at least I can always look back and know I tried my best.
Since I didn't make my goal, I now have another goal. I also know what I need to work on when I practice and have a better idea of how to pace myself for my next race. I learned something today... what more can I ask for. Same goes for life... I learn from my life and try to make changes and do better for next time. Because until you die... there will always be another day ahead of you.
You can't change the past, but damn sure can make changes for the future.
Mainstay... Mains Stay
You'll judge me, yet you don't know me
Speak of me, say things untrue.
I'm the blame, the cause or reason
For issues lying within you.
I was there when you weren't
Cause if you were, I would not be.
Common sense should have told you
Anything you did not see.
Intuition speaks so loudly
While in the clouds the mind's astray
Several tell and show you answers
But you choose to turn away.
I take no pleasure in your pain
Ignorance is not my muse
Either your finger tip is broken
Or it's direction is confused.
Hurt stems from the inside
When expectations weren't met
I know me and what I'm made of
Have you learned about you yet?
I care less of who he chooses
To give time, speak to, or see
My concern lies in our moments
When I know we're both happy.
Who's to say what comes thereafter?
Neither I or you will lose
If we stay true to ourselves
Only he will be confused.
If my time comes up I'll leave
Gracefully will walk away
You are not supposed to leave
But do just what mains do... stay.
You've earned your title, keep it
I guess it's something proud to be
The anchor, rock, sustainer
A mainstays relationship history.
Keeping it all together
A facade mainstays believe
Reality shows it falling apart
Cause a heart has been deceived
I look at you. Think that was me
But chose to walk away
If I'm not the one and only
Call me single. Not mainstay.
Speak of me, say things untrue.
I'm the blame, the cause or reason
For issues lying within you.
I was there when you weren't
Cause if you were, I would not be.
Common sense should have told you
Anything you did not see.
Intuition speaks so loudly
While in the clouds the mind's astray
Several tell and show you answers
But you choose to turn away.
I take no pleasure in your pain
Ignorance is not my muse
Either your finger tip is broken
Or it's direction is confused.
Hurt stems from the inside
When expectations weren't met
I know me and what I'm made of
Have you learned about you yet?
I care less of who he chooses
To give time, speak to, or see
My concern lies in our moments
When I know we're both happy.
Who's to say what comes thereafter?
Neither I or you will lose
If we stay true to ourselves
Only he will be confused.
If my time comes up I'll leave
Gracefully will walk away
You are not supposed to leave
But do just what mains do... stay.
You've earned your title, keep it
I guess it's something proud to be
The anchor, rock, sustainer
A mainstays relationship history.
Keeping it all together
A facade mainstays believe
Reality shows it falling apart
Cause a heart has been deceived
I look at you. Think that was me
But chose to walk away
If I'm not the one and only
Call me single. Not mainstay.
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