Do I think right?
or does it come from the left...
Ok what thought is next
No cheating! Get behind the rest
Have you run through my mind yet?
Several times I bet
Some things I don't get
Hey wait.. have we met?
A thought is coming
Not walking it's running
It's about to come through
Oh no! Not you :(
Just what did I do
How about one, not two
An animal says moo?
Huh.. huh.. ha CHOO!
God bless you!
No me! you too..
Was that true?
Here comes another!
My gosh where's my mother
She made me like this
A brain cell was missed
Cause I've lost my mind!
Please help me find
Shoot! I forgot the time
Ya better get in line
There's no telling
Just how many thoughts you will find :)
Me
It's just me.
In the end I am the one who has to live with and be happy with what I see
and love the person inside and out I have turned out to be.
Regardless of what others may perceive or believe or conceive
To be free I must love and trust in me.
It's just me.
Responsible for my actions and wherever they may lead
and to except the consequences, good or bad, that I could receive.
Regardless right or wrong or my intentions they may be
To be free I must love and trust in me.
It's just me.
Full of love and life a free spirit for those to see
wanting others to live a life so blessed and full of grace like me
Regardless if they choose to follow or accept who I may be
To be free I must love and trust in me.
In the end I am the one who has to live with and be happy with what I see
and love the person inside and out I have turned out to be.
Regardless of what others may perceive or believe or conceive
To be free I must love and trust in me.
It's just me.
Responsible for my actions and wherever they may lead
and to except the consequences, good or bad, that I could receive.
Regardless right or wrong or my intentions they may be
To be free I must love and trust in me.
It's just me.
Full of love and life a free spirit for those to see
wanting others to live a life so blessed and full of grace like me
Regardless if they choose to follow or accept who I may be
To be free I must love and trust in me.
Too Many Options?
Absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder
It makes it wander
I don't care where you've been or not been
When too much time passes I feel forgotten
Insecure? Nope. Just how I feel
I say what's inside cause my feelings are real
Time is made it's not by chance
Who's in your schedule... in your plans
Another night passed. The next day came
Its not the same time for change
I'm not sorry. It's you. Not me.
An option? No. Priority.
It makes it wander
I don't care where you've been or not been
When too much time passes I feel forgotten
Insecure? Nope. Just how I feel
I say what's inside cause my feelings are real
Time is made it's not by chance
Who's in your schedule... in your plans
Another night passed. The next day came
Its not the same time for change
I'm not sorry. It's you. Not me.
An option? No. Priority.
Rejuvenated
Everything is so clear... so ordered. You ever look back at each day and think, "Wow. How?" I have so many stories of how my life has been perfectly ordered it's amazing. I've actually had time to sit still and do nothing for three days straight. I cannot begin to tell you how great it feels to do NOTHING lol. I had been rollin for 13 days straight before this past weekend... and I mean ROLLIN. I was working 24hr and 12hr shifts... and moved from one apt to another in between. Took care of school physicals and enrolling them in school... just to immediately hit the road to Jersey to take care of some more stuff.
As chaotic as it has seemed, looking back, it all was ordered and worked out just fine. I thought my body was going to crash on me.. and it did.. but I've had three days to recover so again.. ordered.
Just when you think you can't handle anymore.. a break in the clouds is revealed by the tiniest hint of light. Again you have hope... the rays shine through and immediately you start to feel rejuvenated. I feel rejuvenated. I can start rollin again. And when it comes time for my body to crash... there will be some days for rest ahead. He'll never give you more than you can handle. If you feel like you are getting way more than others... then take that as a blessing because that just means God knows that you are one tough cookie :)
As chaotic as it has seemed, looking back, it all was ordered and worked out just fine. I thought my body was going to crash on me.. and it did.. but I've had three days to recover so again.. ordered.
Just when you think you can't handle anymore.. a break in the clouds is revealed by the tiniest hint of light. Again you have hope... the rays shine through and immediately you start to feel rejuvenated. I feel rejuvenated. I can start rollin again. And when it comes time for my body to crash... there will be some days for rest ahead. He'll never give you more than you can handle. If you feel like you are getting way more than others... then take that as a blessing because that just means God knows that you are one tough cookie :)
Wondervision
I am left to wonder if what is meant to be will be and if this vision I'm envisioning is something others too will see.. when it comes to life.. if it's really real.. I have to conceal what I really feel because it might come across as crazy.. my sight could be hazy not necessarily seeing the truth but instead this story which phased me into believing this person is for me from now into eternity... my heart is saying one thing while my mind says it's confused... evidence of a woman conflicted after her trust has been abused and used by those she should forget... because he isn't like them yet and most likely will never be because the vision I am envisioning is that this man is for me... and to be with me means love, protect and to keep safe from harm... wrapped in his arms laying by his side.. the shit they pulled he has not tried... I see a future full of truth and trust those two are a must if we are to move forward and go.. to the place I can see but do not know that if what is meant to be will be and if this vision I'm envisioning is something others too will see.. when it comes to life... cause it's really real... I don't have to conceal what I really feel because I don't care if it comes across as crazy... my sight isn't hazy I see truth not a story that this man is for me... he's not like the others and though currently lovers eventually I'll know just how far we will go... if my vision comes true and others recognize and say that, "he's just right for you."
I Loved You?
I loved you once, but not anymore. If there's no more love there, then it was never there before. You can't say you loved someone, truly mean it, then move on. There is no such thing as loving, then all of a sudden love is gone. "I love you, but I'm not in love" is a line so many use. It's a line wrapped with a lie to make the receiver feel confused. Instead of simply saying, "I don't want to be with you." They use that line because they know that pain can follow truth. Love can be a noun, but I know I prefer the verb. I want to SEE you love me, rather than the word only be heard. A concept so few get, or even really care to learn. Cause when that word was thrown out once or twice, instead of loved someone got burned. Very few heard "I love you" from me. Words rarely used. If I say it, then I mean it. A phrase I don't abuse. Love can be given, but not given back. Does that mean the lover lied? No. One day that love will be returned because the lover tried. Love is meant forever and will last if it is true. Whether apart or still together real love will stay with you. The ones who didn't deserve it needed your love more. It's not us who determines what our love's to be used for.
Sleep is for Sissies
3 in da mornin at the Martin house..
4 in da mornin he's already at ma house..
5 in da mornnnnnin the lights go out
6 in da mornin you can hear us moan and shout..
7 in da mornin still be gettin it in...
8 in da mornin i'll be sleep right next ta him
9 in da mornin.. nah he ain't gotta go..
Talkin about the overnight scenario... scenario...
For those who know the song... yes I changed the lyrics.
It's 3:20 am and I am WIDE AWAKE... insomnia is a bi0tch... and yes my left eye lid is still twitching because I should be getting sleep... i guess :/
Why up so late? No I did not go out. A friday night and i went to the gym at 9pm... got caught up in netflix when i got home.. then decided to redo some of my hair... next thing I know.. it's 2 am. Go figure. My boo tang is working so there's really no overnight scenario going on here lol
I think I am just so happy I have a working keyboard on my computer.. that I just want to keep typing and typing. I've been trying to think of some good thoughts to blog about.. but I think I am so stressed and overworked that my brain has yet to fully function properly. Believe it or not... Ronny is actually thinking about NOTHING. Ya know why? Because there's so many things to think about that I can't decide which thought to focus on. I know right now I am thinking about food though... ugh! On that note.. I think I will go to bed because there ain't nothing healthy I want to eat at 3:30am... GNight!
4 in da mornin he's already at ma house..
5 in da mornnnnnin the lights go out
6 in da mornin you can hear us moan and shout..
7 in da mornin still be gettin it in...
8 in da mornin i'll be sleep right next ta him
9 in da mornin.. nah he ain't gotta go..
Talkin about the overnight scenario... scenario...
For those who know the song... yes I changed the lyrics.
It's 3:20 am and I am WIDE AWAKE... insomnia is a bi0tch... and yes my left eye lid is still twitching because I should be getting sleep... i guess :/
Why up so late? No I did not go out. A friday night and i went to the gym at 9pm... got caught up in netflix when i got home.. then decided to redo some of my hair... next thing I know.. it's 2 am. Go figure. My boo tang is working so there's really no overnight scenario going on here lol
I think I am just so happy I have a working keyboard on my computer.. that I just want to keep typing and typing. I've been trying to think of some good thoughts to blog about.. but I think I am so stressed and overworked that my brain has yet to fully function properly. Believe it or not... Ronny is actually thinking about NOTHING. Ya know why? Because there's so many things to think about that I can't decide which thought to focus on. I know right now I am thinking about food though... ugh! On that note.. I think I will go to bed because there ain't nothing healthy I want to eat at 3:30am... GNight!
TGIF
Well HELLLLLOOOO everyone! How are you doing on this fine Friday evening?? I am doing grrrrreeeeeeeaaaat! Yup.. I tony tigered it. Why so happy?? Cause i finally just got to sit down :) My keyboard is now full of keys... thanks to Target... and I can happily type my lil heart away.
So what's new? Not too much new with me... been working my @$$ off these past couple of weeks and intend to do the same for the next upcoming weeks... womp womp. It will be nice when I can actually KEEP my paycheck.. then I can say it was worth it lol
I said in my last blog I would continue on another day.. however, I forgot what I was venting about that day and really don't remember what I am continuing. Sorry. No juicy gossip just yet.. well me and da boo is still going.. is that juicy enough??? I really like him... he's cool people :) I'm sure you're wondering if I am in love... well... I said in a previous blog.. I am FALLING... but I ain't completely fell yet... CLOSE! but not yet.. i will know.. when i know... when i know... and then YOU will know too.
Sorry I don't have much to say... I have to go workout and get back in time before my chicken is done.. oh my eye is STILL twitching!! Aint dat some ish... everyone keeps telling me it's stress and I am tired. Well.. I can't disagree. So hopefully that stress-free day will come real soon and my left eyelid can stop making my vision shake... Happy Friday!! TGIF
So what's new? Not too much new with me... been working my @$$ off these past couple of weeks and intend to do the same for the next upcoming weeks... womp womp. It will be nice when I can actually KEEP my paycheck.. then I can say it was worth it lol
I said in my last blog I would continue on another day.. however, I forgot what I was venting about that day and really don't remember what I am continuing. Sorry. No juicy gossip just yet.. well me and da boo is still going.. is that juicy enough??? I really like him... he's cool people :) I'm sure you're wondering if I am in love... well... I said in a previous blog.. I am FALLING... but I ain't completely fell yet... CLOSE! but not yet.. i will know.. when i know... when i know... and then YOU will know too.
Sorry I don't have much to say... I have to go workout and get back in time before my chicken is done.. oh my eye is STILL twitching!! Aint dat some ish... everyone keeps telling me it's stress and I am tired. Well.. I can't disagree. So hopefully that stress-free day will come real soon and my left eyelid can stop making my vision shake... Happy Friday!! TGIF
Tired
Those who know me can believe me when i say i fall asleep by accident... rarely on purpose. I run until my body collapses, and thats usually on my sofa, the living room floor, or sitting at the table with my head on my computer. I am tired right now...but theres so much stuff I need to do! Only the problem is... my left eyelid keeps twitching and both eyelids are struggling to stay open :(
I. Am. Tired.
I actually came on here to vent... but I'm even too tired to do that. My keyboard is missing keys and it is VERY hard to type... so that being said... I QUIT... but just for tonight. Maybe I'll finish my blog in the morning..
Goodnight! ... but I have to shower, redo my hair, and read some before i crash...
I. Am. Tired.
I actually came on here to vent... but I'm even too tired to do that. My keyboard is missing keys and it is VERY hard to type... so that being said... I QUIT... but just for tonight. Maybe I'll finish my blog in the morning..
Goodnight! ... but I have to shower, redo my hair, and read some before i crash...
Focus
I'm not gonna lie... my head is so far up in the clouds I might as well be on my way to space. It's like whenever one area of my life is going great... another area is going downhill. Why is that? Can't everything just be great at one time? I hate the saying, "When it rains... it pours" because I can't honestly say everything is bad or going wrong. I feel like it's constantly drizzling lol. When times are great... it's still drizzling, but with sunshine behind it. You ever see a sun shower? Beautiful right! But at the same time... it's still raining!!! WTF!
So what's been going on... well... where do I start. A family member has been very sick... at that time I was REALLY down... while I was down, my financial situation went down. But because I was so far gone in regards to my family, I never really put effort or energy into my finances. To me they were just not that important. Well... the reality of that is... finances are ALWAYS important lol. However, I've never been one to worry about money. It always comes when I need it and somehow or some way, things get paid and taken care of.
While those two areas of my life were down... my career was going up. Achievements and opportunities were popping up left and right. Work was great and is still great. Also, a new person came into my life in a way I wasn't expecting. That was great and is still great.
What I am struggling with... is where do I put my focus? During the rough rough times... my focus was very direct and intense. But it was driven from like an aching sadness... make sense? I wasn't focused because I had a desired outcome. I was focused to distract me from whatever was going on. It worked for about two weeks. I went hard with whatever I was doing for two weeks straight. But then I crashed. And now I am at a point where I've done nothing for two weeks.
I feel like I'm just floating. Floating away. I just want to sit still and be still... but at the beach. I have a desperate need to see water... the ocean... I feel like if I could just see the ocean then maybe my focus will come back to me in some strange way. Like the answer is in a wave... or the sand. I don't know. It's out there.
Rambling...
So what's been going on... well... where do I start. A family member has been very sick... at that time I was REALLY down... while I was down, my financial situation went down. But because I was so far gone in regards to my family, I never really put effort or energy into my finances. To me they were just not that important. Well... the reality of that is... finances are ALWAYS important lol. However, I've never been one to worry about money. It always comes when I need it and somehow or some way, things get paid and taken care of.
While those two areas of my life were down... my career was going up. Achievements and opportunities were popping up left and right. Work was great and is still great. Also, a new person came into my life in a way I wasn't expecting. That was great and is still great.
What I am struggling with... is where do I put my focus? During the rough rough times... my focus was very direct and intense. But it was driven from like an aching sadness... make sense? I wasn't focused because I had a desired outcome. I was focused to distract me from whatever was going on. It worked for about two weeks. I went hard with whatever I was doing for two weeks straight. But then I crashed. And now I am at a point where I've done nothing for two weeks.
I feel like I'm just floating. Floating away. I just want to sit still and be still... but at the beach. I have a desperate need to see water... the ocean... I feel like if I could just see the ocean then maybe my focus will come back to me in some strange way. Like the answer is in a wave... or the sand. I don't know. It's out there.
Rambling...
A Secret ;)
I have a secret that I want to share
You may not know... you may not care.
I'm scared to say what I've been thinking
Staring into space, my eyes not blinking
My heart is beating super fast
This feeling I have, I hope will last
Forever. Cause it's just that great
Call it luck... or call it fate.
To me... it's God's hand over it
He knew all along which man would fit
Into my life, and kids life too
This man? Oh wow... I never knew
Or thought or considered that he would be
The one I would think is right for me.
The truth is I wasn't sure "right" existed
We've hung out before but somehow I missed it
The timing was wrong, I guess you could say.
Through time I've assured what I feel today
So this secret... I'm really not sure where to start
A hint... it has something to do with my heart.
It flutters.. it kicks.. gets these signals from above
My secret? I think I am falling in love...
You may not know... you may not care.
I'm scared to say what I've been thinking
Staring into space, my eyes not blinking
My heart is beating super fast
This feeling I have, I hope will last
Forever. Cause it's just that great
Call it luck... or call it fate.
To me... it's God's hand over it
He knew all along which man would fit
Into my life, and kids life too
This man? Oh wow... I never knew
Or thought or considered that he would be
The one I would think is right for me.
The truth is I wasn't sure "right" existed
We've hung out before but somehow I missed it
The timing was wrong, I guess you could say.
Through time I've assured what I feel today
So this secret... I'm really not sure where to start
A hint... it has something to do with my heart.
It flutters.. it kicks.. gets these signals from above
My secret? I think I am falling in love...
Questions
Questions. I used to have so many. Okay... so I still DO have so many... but I'm learning there's really no reason to ask so many questions. All of our answers are visible... you see them, hear them.. every day. I've learned if I keep asking a lot of questions... I am really just waiting to hear the answer I WANT to hear. But usually... it only takes one or two quality questions to get everything you need to know.
Next time a person speaks... listen to what they say. Watch what they do... you will find all the answers you need.
I don't make friends easily because it takes something unique for me to consider anyone my friend. I am cautious. VERY cautious of people because not everybody has good intentions. I've learned to separate myself from people who are deliberately out to hurt me. I'm not talking physically hurt me... I'm talking about people that have the nerve to try and fuck with my heart... or to take advantage of my heart. THAT red flag pops up immediately now and I am able to see it very clearly.
So what do I do? I cut people off from my heart. I may not be able to compartmentalize my feelings very well... but I've learned that if don't even GO there.. then it is SO much easier. Not sure if that's going to hurt me or help me in the end... but it seems to have been working pretty well. I'm at peace with it... so that's really all that matters.
Actually... now that I think about it... yea it IS going to hurt me for a lil while because just as I said I was ready for love the other day... today I feel like "Nobody is getting into my heart." So the only way I can figure... is that special somebody that is meant to love me is gonna have a HELLUVA time trying to get me to know that the love is REAL. I will be watching and listening very closely.. but lately... all I see and hear is nothing that really appeals to me.
With that said... any questions??? LMAO ... i'm gonna go workout :/
Next time a person speaks... listen to what they say. Watch what they do... you will find all the answers you need.
I don't make friends easily because it takes something unique for me to consider anyone my friend. I am cautious. VERY cautious of people because not everybody has good intentions. I've learned to separate myself from people who are deliberately out to hurt me. I'm not talking physically hurt me... I'm talking about people that have the nerve to try and fuck with my heart... or to take advantage of my heart. THAT red flag pops up immediately now and I am able to see it very clearly.
So what do I do? I cut people off from my heart. I may not be able to compartmentalize my feelings very well... but I've learned that if don't even GO there.. then it is SO much easier. Not sure if that's going to hurt me or help me in the end... but it seems to have been working pretty well. I'm at peace with it... so that's really all that matters.
Actually... now that I think about it... yea it IS going to hurt me for a lil while because just as I said I was ready for love the other day... today I feel like "Nobody is getting into my heart." So the only way I can figure... is that special somebody that is meant to love me is gonna have a HELLUVA time trying to get me to know that the love is REAL. I will be watching and listening very closely.. but lately... all I see and hear is nothing that really appeals to me.
With that said... any questions??? LMAO ... i'm gonna go workout :/
WCS- Worst Case Scenario
I sit here and think, "Well, it could have been worse." But then think... no. That WAS the worst. The worst feeling I've ever had. You know... in hindsight, it probably could have been worse. However, I am not thinking in hindsight right now.
When I blog, what you read is how I feel at the exact moment as I type. One blog I could be up, and the next blog I could be down. Right now I'm a little bit of both and really don't know what to do with myself. It's 12:30am and here I am... at the computer.
I am the type of person that thinks of every possibility of a situation, usually worst case scenario then work my way up to best case. I do this so I am prepared. My mother on the other hand... thinks of the best case scenario and just sticks with it. If the worst case happens, her reasoning is that it was Gods reason. I admire her for that. For me? I think the worst, that way if it turns out better I can be surprised with great news, and if its the worst then I feel like I have somehow prepared myself to handle it. I don't know... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I feel like I have all these words stuck up in me and for some reason I just can't get them out. There's just so much inside of me that I cannot seem to get out. I was attempting to blog to see if this helped... but it's really not. So I am sorry if you feel like you have read a bunch of nothing... just know... there's a LOT... but I guess right now is not the right way/time to get it out...
I hope you are able to get some sleep... I don't think I will be and I have a 4-hour drive to make in the morning :(
When I blog, what you read is how I feel at the exact moment as I type. One blog I could be up, and the next blog I could be down. Right now I'm a little bit of both and really don't know what to do with myself. It's 12:30am and here I am... at the computer.
I am the type of person that thinks of every possibility of a situation, usually worst case scenario then work my way up to best case. I do this so I am prepared. My mother on the other hand... thinks of the best case scenario and just sticks with it. If the worst case happens, her reasoning is that it was Gods reason. I admire her for that. For me? I think the worst, that way if it turns out better I can be surprised with great news, and if its the worst then I feel like I have somehow prepared myself to handle it. I don't know... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I feel like I have all these words stuck up in me and for some reason I just can't get them out. There's just so much inside of me that I cannot seem to get out. I was attempting to blog to see if this helped... but it's really not. So I am sorry if you feel like you have read a bunch of nothing... just know... there's a LOT... but I guess right now is not the right way/time to get it out...
I hope you are able to get some sleep... I don't think I will be and I have a 4-hour drive to make in the morning :(
No Words
"What do you say when there's no words today?"
I pray.
"There's no words!" you say.
Just pray.
"But what do you say?"
I pray.
"There's no way!"
Then pray.
"Is this a game you play?"
No. Pray.
"I don't know what to say."
That's okay. Say no words when you pray... cause He hears you anyway.
I pray.
"There's no words!" you say.
Just pray.
"But what do you say?"
I pray.
"There's no way!"
Then pray.
"Is this a game you play?"
No. Pray.
"I don't know what to say."
That's okay. Say no words when you pray... cause He hears you anyway.
Inside Out
You ever feel like who you are on the inside doesn't match what you look like on the outside? I'm not talking about feeling pretty/ugly or anything... I'm talking physically. For instance, you ever see someone and be like "Wow they look so smart... or so mean... so strong... so weak... so athletic.. or nonathletic" but when you talk to that person and get to know them, the outside is nothing like who they are on the inside.
I don't think I've ever felt like my outside matched who I am on the inside. I feel like fine china on the inside... but exude that of steel lol Don't get me wrong... I like my body... and I like who I am... I just don't think they match. Of course I can BE steel... but that's a conscious decision... I don't think that's who I am.
Misunderstood. Because people tend to judge by the cover... so many of us are misunderstood. Think about it... if you see a 6'7" tall athletic looking man, the first thought that comes to mind is, "He must play basketball." When the reality is, he's a bookworm that loves to design computer programs and has no interest in any type of sport.
I love ballet. I always loved ballet since I was little. However, I was told I wasn't built for ballet. So I never tried it. When I did track in high school... I wanted to be a high jumper and long jumper. However, I was told I should be a thrower and was placed with the throwers. I was great at throwing... but I never loved it. Every time I tried to long jump or high jump, my coach would purposely make our throwing sessions so they conflicted with the jumpers sessions. I don't regret throwing... it opened many doors and opportunities for me. But inside, I never felt like a thrower. I felt like I belonged on the dance team lol However, I wasn't built for it.
You have the body of X... therefore you should be a Y. While most of the time that happens... it's not ALWAYS the case. If you have the body of a ballerina... and you love ballet... then you should be a ballerina. However, if you don't have the body of a ballerina... but you love ballet... you can still be a ballerina.
I guess my point is... your body is not who you are. It's who's inside that body that determines who you are. Nobody said I wanted to be a professional ballerina... but I would have at least loved to learn the sport. Who knows... maybe I could have coached someone who fits the description of a ballerina and also loves it.
Anyway... Find ways to express who you are on the inside... while still cherishing that beautiful canvas which displays daily... and is necessary for your soul to reside in. By doing what you love, regardless of what you look like, maybe it will force others to see a different cover to the contents of the book.
I don't think I've ever felt like my outside matched who I am on the inside. I feel like fine china on the inside... but exude that of steel lol Don't get me wrong... I like my body... and I like who I am... I just don't think they match. Of course I can BE steel... but that's a conscious decision... I don't think that's who I am.
Misunderstood. Because people tend to judge by the cover... so many of us are misunderstood. Think about it... if you see a 6'7" tall athletic looking man, the first thought that comes to mind is, "He must play basketball." When the reality is, he's a bookworm that loves to design computer programs and has no interest in any type of sport.
I love ballet. I always loved ballet since I was little. However, I was told I wasn't built for ballet. So I never tried it. When I did track in high school... I wanted to be a high jumper and long jumper. However, I was told I should be a thrower and was placed with the throwers. I was great at throwing... but I never loved it. Every time I tried to long jump or high jump, my coach would purposely make our throwing sessions so they conflicted with the jumpers sessions. I don't regret throwing... it opened many doors and opportunities for me. But inside, I never felt like a thrower. I felt like I belonged on the dance team lol However, I wasn't built for it.
You have the body of X... therefore you should be a Y. While most of the time that happens... it's not ALWAYS the case. If you have the body of a ballerina... and you love ballet... then you should be a ballerina. However, if you don't have the body of a ballerina... but you love ballet... you can still be a ballerina.
I guess my point is... your body is not who you are. It's who's inside that body that determines who you are. Nobody said I wanted to be a professional ballerina... but I would have at least loved to learn the sport. Who knows... maybe I could have coached someone who fits the description of a ballerina and also loves it.
Anyway... Find ways to express who you are on the inside... while still cherishing that beautiful canvas which displays daily... and is necessary for your soul to reside in. By doing what you love, regardless of what you look like, maybe it will force others to see a different cover to the contents of the book.
Outside Looking In
The truth is always there, it's just a matter of deciding to look at it or to turn away. Justification is ALWAYS possible... I see it all the time. We can justify our actions with anything we want because as long as somebody believes the justification, then our actions will always be okay in someones eyes; which then makes it okay in our own eyes.
The biggest justification I see/hear is love. I did X because of love... I didn't do X because of love... I left her because I love X... I stayed with her because I love her... I ended it because I love myself... I took him back because I love him... Yes I did XYZ but it didn't mean anything because there wasn't any love there... love... love... love...
A word continuously abused. It's to the point that I don't even care if another person never says, "I love you" to me ever again.
Love is an action. And usually its those actions... or lack of those actions... that will tell if love is ever truly there or not. I can sit here all day and say, "I know he loves me" when that persons actions clearly say he doesn't.
Caring vs. Loving. Caring is not the same as loving. People with sympathy, empathy, compassion... care. It's just natural. Loving? Loving is a choice. Yes you can love everyone because God loves everyone... you can FEEL the love all around because love is around (some places).. but LOVING is an action and its an action that you CHOOSE to do for a specific person or specific people.
I am on the outside looking in... at when a person SAYS the word LOVE all the time... to several different people... but their actions say the complete opposite. My eyes have been opened... after much time of course... and after very upsetting experiences.
I loved a cheater... more than once. My actions said I loved them... my mouth said it too. But what have I learned? A cheater loves and a cheater cares. That IS possible. But they will never care or love you as much as you WANT or NEED them to. So you are always going to be left trying to justify that what love or caring you are receiving... is enough.
It sucks. And no matter what you say or do... it will never change... unless that person changes. We all know it's possible... but it's very rare in a cheaters world.
I think its sad... really sad. I don't enjoy watching others go through what I've been through... and I don't want to put myself through that again. So what am I doing? I just give it to God. I am full of love... I'm full of compassion... He's been allowing me to see the red flags and He's been giving me strength and courage to avoid them.
I don't know if there's a man for me... and I'm not worried about it anymore. At one point in time I was broken and incomplete. Today I am whole, happy and fulfilled. I feel more loved and cared about now... than I ever have before and there's no man in my life. I guess that's the way it's supposed to be huh... at least I figured it out while I consider myself young lol
The biggest justification I see/hear is love. I did X because of love... I didn't do X because of love... I left her because I love X... I stayed with her because I love her... I ended it because I love myself... I took him back because I love him... Yes I did XYZ but it didn't mean anything because there wasn't any love there... love... love... love...
A word continuously abused. It's to the point that I don't even care if another person never says, "I love you" to me ever again.
Love is an action. And usually its those actions... or lack of those actions... that will tell if love is ever truly there or not. I can sit here all day and say, "I know he loves me" when that persons actions clearly say he doesn't.
Caring vs. Loving. Caring is not the same as loving. People with sympathy, empathy, compassion... care. It's just natural. Loving? Loving is a choice. Yes you can love everyone because God loves everyone... you can FEEL the love all around because love is around (some places).. but LOVING is an action and its an action that you CHOOSE to do for a specific person or specific people.
I am on the outside looking in... at when a person SAYS the word LOVE all the time... to several different people... but their actions say the complete opposite. My eyes have been opened... after much time of course... and after very upsetting experiences.
I loved a cheater... more than once. My actions said I loved them... my mouth said it too. But what have I learned? A cheater loves and a cheater cares. That IS possible. But they will never care or love you as much as you WANT or NEED them to. So you are always going to be left trying to justify that what love or caring you are receiving... is enough.
It sucks. And no matter what you say or do... it will never change... unless that person changes. We all know it's possible... but it's very rare in a cheaters world.
I think its sad... really sad. I don't enjoy watching others go through what I've been through... and I don't want to put myself through that again. So what am I doing? I just give it to God. I am full of love... I'm full of compassion... He's been allowing me to see the red flags and He's been giving me strength and courage to avoid them.
I don't know if there's a man for me... and I'm not worried about it anymore. At one point in time I was broken and incomplete. Today I am whole, happy and fulfilled. I feel more loved and cared about now... than I ever have before and there's no man in my life. I guess that's the way it's supposed to be huh... at least I figured it out while I consider myself young lol
Rain of Love
Rain tells the story of one going through pain... but it's not quite the same because rain doesn't stain like the blood in your veins when a wound has been opened it drips from your heart in a slow fluid motion... the blue turns to red as the oxygen consumes it .. conforms it.. it changes and somehow renews it to a red meaning life as if one were a rose gaining strength from the rain so its purity grows while the sun it breaks through piercing one cloud then another but there's not enough rays for the light to uncover whats hidden in darkness underneath the blue skies as the rain it keeps coming pouring heavily and cries out in thunder while glistening through flashes of light washing away sadness introducing fright as the storm passes over the heart trembles in fear for the time of life ending creeps eerily near but you choose not to feel it... rain caressing your cheeks for its saying something listen to love as it speaks... so cold yet so warm as tears blend with the moisture.. wholeness.. complete.. says of the inner voice your heart whispers loudly to gain understanding the rain of your love is simply demanding an open heart with its soul in the wind flying freely with the rain again and again release the arms wide and look up to the sky embracing the storm as it rumbles by living life taking hope through any circumstance.. circle in the rain and dance. Let love dance...
One Minute to Spare
So I ran my first 10k today... a race I was supposed to run five years ago but couldn't go because my baby was sick. Well anyway... I was pumped! So excited I could have peed myself (literally)... I just couldn't bring myself to use the port-o-potty lol I had worked last night which meant I got off work this morning... and went straight to the race.
So many people! So many fans and runners. Very neat experience because there were over 80,000 people who attended. Some dressed in costumes, parents ran with their young children, several had their watches ready and some brought their gameface.
That was me... I brought my gameface. I had a specific goal I wanted to achieve... run the race in less than an hour. I didn't care if my time was 59min59secs... I just wanted to finish 6.2miles in less than an hour. I didn't even wear my headset for fear it would be a distraction to have to hold my phone.
I took my place at the start.. and was off! First three miles... great. Enough space, felt good, and didn't feel tight or stiff. Fourth mile... started off great... but then I walked for a few secs. Got some water and kept it moving. Was still making great time. Fifth mile was a little tough. The sun was in front of us and really started to beam down. I walked another few seconds but got annoyed when people kept passing me and started running again. The sixth mile... O...M...G. Where the HELL was the finish line???!!! By then it started to get crowded. Everyone was making their way to the finish and all I wanted was to see the big finish line banner. It was nowhere in sight. I was haulin ass! (but probably looked like I was dying). I kept telling myself to just turn over your feet and you will get there. It took FOR-EV-ER to get there... but finally I saw it... the finish line! I hauled ass as best as I could cause by then my lungs were hurting. My watch said an hour.. but the people around me said 55, 54, 56 minutes is what they had on their watch.
I crossed the finish line. THANK GOD! I felt accomplished but super curious because I didn't know my time, but overall I was proud. I did it.. FINALLY. I celebrated with brunch with a friend.. then returned home. After only getting 3-4 hours of sleep at work, then running a 10k immediately thereafter... i was EXHAUSTED. Sleep took over me and I rested.
So I'm sure you're wondering... did I reach my goal?? I woke up and looked up my results.
60min47secs.
I couldn't believe it. My heart sank. I felt defeated. I didn't reach my goal. Hauled ass and still missed it. My mind kept rewinding... I shouldn't have walked. I should have kept running. Those walks cost me my minute.. I could have finished in less than an hour if I didn't walk. I should have picked it up at mile five instead of six. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... With only ONE minute to spare, what did I do wrong that cost me that minute????
Isn't this the story of life? When things don't go the way we plan, we think back to what we could have, should have, or would have done differently. The fact is, I probably could have practiced more, or ran a little harder, but I didn't. However, I KNOW I did my best today and gave 100% on that course. I left depleted with nothing left to spare.
This is how I approach my life as well. Things don't always go the way I plan, but at least I can always look back and know I tried my best.
Since I didn't make my goal, I now have another goal. I also know what I need to work on when I practice and have a better idea of how to pace myself for my next race. I learned something today... what more can I ask for. Same goes for life... I learn from my life and try to make changes and do better for next time. Because until you die... there will always be another day ahead of you.
You can't change the past, but damn sure can make changes for the future.
So many people! So many fans and runners. Very neat experience because there were over 80,000 people who attended. Some dressed in costumes, parents ran with their young children, several had their watches ready and some brought their gameface.
That was me... I brought my gameface. I had a specific goal I wanted to achieve... run the race in less than an hour. I didn't care if my time was 59min59secs... I just wanted to finish 6.2miles in less than an hour. I didn't even wear my headset for fear it would be a distraction to have to hold my phone.
I took my place at the start.. and was off! First three miles... great. Enough space, felt good, and didn't feel tight or stiff. Fourth mile... started off great... but then I walked for a few secs. Got some water and kept it moving. Was still making great time. Fifth mile was a little tough. The sun was in front of us and really started to beam down. I walked another few seconds but got annoyed when people kept passing me and started running again. The sixth mile... O...M...G. Where the HELL was the finish line???!!! By then it started to get crowded. Everyone was making their way to the finish and all I wanted was to see the big finish line banner. It was nowhere in sight. I was haulin ass! (but probably looked like I was dying). I kept telling myself to just turn over your feet and you will get there. It took FOR-EV-ER to get there... but finally I saw it... the finish line! I hauled ass as best as I could cause by then my lungs were hurting. My watch said an hour.. but the people around me said 55, 54, 56 minutes is what they had on their watch.
I crossed the finish line. THANK GOD! I felt accomplished but super curious because I didn't know my time, but overall I was proud. I did it.. FINALLY. I celebrated with brunch with a friend.. then returned home. After only getting 3-4 hours of sleep at work, then running a 10k immediately thereafter... i was EXHAUSTED. Sleep took over me and I rested.
So I'm sure you're wondering... did I reach my goal?? I woke up and looked up my results.
60min47secs.
I couldn't believe it. My heart sank. I felt defeated. I didn't reach my goal. Hauled ass and still missed it. My mind kept rewinding... I shouldn't have walked. I should have kept running. Those walks cost me my minute.. I could have finished in less than an hour if I didn't walk. I should have picked it up at mile five instead of six. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... With only ONE minute to spare, what did I do wrong that cost me that minute????
Isn't this the story of life? When things don't go the way we plan, we think back to what we could have, should have, or would have done differently. The fact is, I probably could have practiced more, or ran a little harder, but I didn't. However, I KNOW I did my best today and gave 100% on that course. I left depleted with nothing left to spare.
This is how I approach my life as well. Things don't always go the way I plan, but at least I can always look back and know I tried my best.
Since I didn't make my goal, I now have another goal. I also know what I need to work on when I practice and have a better idea of how to pace myself for my next race. I learned something today... what more can I ask for. Same goes for life... I learn from my life and try to make changes and do better for next time. Because until you die... there will always be another day ahead of you.
You can't change the past, but damn sure can make changes for the future.
Mainstay... Mains Stay
You'll judge me, yet you don't know me
Speak of me, say things untrue.
I'm the blame, the cause or reason
For issues lying within you.
I was there when you weren't
Cause if you were, I would not be.
Common sense should have told you
Anything you did not see.
Intuition speaks so loudly
While in the clouds the mind's astray
Several tell and show you answers
But you choose to turn away.
I take no pleasure in your pain
Ignorance is not my muse
Either your finger tip is broken
Or it's direction is confused.
Hurt stems from the inside
When expectations weren't met
I know me and what I'm made of
Have you learned about you yet?
I care less of who he chooses
To give time, speak to, or see
My concern lies in our moments
When I know we're both happy.
Who's to say what comes thereafter?
Neither I or you will lose
If we stay true to ourselves
Only he will be confused.
If my time comes up I'll leave
Gracefully will walk away
You are not supposed to leave
But do just what mains do... stay.
You've earned your title, keep it
I guess it's something proud to be
The anchor, rock, sustainer
A mainstays relationship history.
Keeping it all together
A facade mainstays believe
Reality shows it falling apart
Cause a heart has been deceived
I look at you. Think that was me
But chose to walk away
If I'm not the one and only
Call me single. Not mainstay.
Speak of me, say things untrue.
I'm the blame, the cause or reason
For issues lying within you.
I was there when you weren't
Cause if you were, I would not be.
Common sense should have told you
Anything you did not see.
Intuition speaks so loudly
While in the clouds the mind's astray
Several tell and show you answers
But you choose to turn away.
I take no pleasure in your pain
Ignorance is not my muse
Either your finger tip is broken
Or it's direction is confused.
Hurt stems from the inside
When expectations weren't met
I know me and what I'm made of
Have you learned about you yet?
I care less of who he chooses
To give time, speak to, or see
My concern lies in our moments
When I know we're both happy.
Who's to say what comes thereafter?
Neither I or you will lose
If we stay true to ourselves
Only he will be confused.
If my time comes up I'll leave
Gracefully will walk away
You are not supposed to leave
But do just what mains do... stay.
You've earned your title, keep it
I guess it's something proud to be
The anchor, rock, sustainer
A mainstays relationship history.
Keeping it all together
A facade mainstays believe
Reality shows it falling apart
Cause a heart has been deceived
I look at you. Think that was me
But chose to walk away
If I'm not the one and only
Call me single. Not mainstay.
Spare Change
We're not always going to be... who we once were. If you're not changing as you get older, then you are really missing out on life. Change is necessary for growth, otherwise you will become complacent and never truly get the opportunity to see all the world has to offer.
When I was younger, I hated change. I wanted to stay in the same house, go to the same school, keep the same friends, have my family around all the time... etc. I didn't want anything to change. I was happy with things just the way they were. However, as my parents and those around me grew... change occurred. We moved into a bigger home in a different neighborhood.. my sister got married and moved to VA, my brothers went off to college... my parents STARTED college... all as I was going through my teenage years. So many things were different, and I can't honestly say I liked all of it. Although I didn't LIKE it, I can now look back and realize it was necessary.
On one hand I understand change can be good... but on the other hand, is there a such thing as too much change? or is there an appropriate time for change? do you just suck it up and take change as it comes... or is it supposed to be planned and orchestrated?
I had a thought... but lost it.
All I keep thinking is.. I've gone through so much... experienced so much change... just to sit here and think.. you know what? I have come full circle back to the person I originally was in the first place. It just took a lot of change to realize who I was in the beginning... and that I am in essence the same person today. I am okay with her... me... and no matter what changes around me... I am still the same. I can spare change... because it will never really change who I am to begin with; the complete opposite of my opening statement in this blog :)
When I was younger, I hated change. I wanted to stay in the same house, go to the same school, keep the same friends, have my family around all the time... etc. I didn't want anything to change. I was happy with things just the way they were. However, as my parents and those around me grew... change occurred. We moved into a bigger home in a different neighborhood.. my sister got married and moved to VA, my brothers went off to college... my parents STARTED college... all as I was going through my teenage years. So many things were different, and I can't honestly say I liked all of it. Although I didn't LIKE it, I can now look back and realize it was necessary.
On one hand I understand change can be good... but on the other hand, is there a such thing as too much change? or is there an appropriate time for change? do you just suck it up and take change as it comes... or is it supposed to be planned and orchestrated?
I had a thought... but lost it.
All I keep thinking is.. I've gone through so much... experienced so much change... just to sit here and think.. you know what? I have come full circle back to the person I originally was in the first place. It just took a lot of change to realize who I was in the beginning... and that I am in essence the same person today. I am okay with her... me... and no matter what changes around me... I am still the same. I can spare change... because it will never really change who I am to begin with; the complete opposite of my opening statement in this blog :)
Cain't Get Right
Men who cheat... just cain't get right. Yup, I'ma vent on this one. And I hope all you "cheaters"... those "stepping out".. or those "whatever ya wanna call yuhselves" are reading this too.
If things ain't right at "home"... meaning... YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP... you CAN'T fix it by getting involved with another woman! Did you hear me??????
YOU CAN'T FIX "HOME" WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!
Now... if you're trying to fuck up your home... then yes.. that is a possible solution. However, I can't tell you how many men fuck around thinking it's an "out" to their current relationship... and to their surprise... their girl STILL stays with them after they find out. So what do the men do?? Fuck around some more!! Duhhhhh!
So... I've been blogging for about 2-3 years now... so I really can't remember ALL of things I have shared. So forgive me if I am repeating myself to my loyal followers.
I swear I have some sort of sign on my forehead that says, "If you have a girlfriend or are married... Holla at me!" I'm not going to lie.. yes I have messed with both a married man AND a man with a girlfriend. I have also been the woman.. of a man who was fucking around. So yes.. I've been on both ends. However, as much as I am trying to change old habits... I keep getting approached by the "taken" ones... and not the single ones. Let me rephrase that... you see.. I once asked a man if he was "taken" and he said no. And then I see him with a girl by his side. So I said to him, "Maybe I shouldn't have asked if you were taken. So I am asking, are you available?" and his reply was, "Taken.. to me means you're married. I am not married. But I am also not really available." I mean... really? WTF.
Why do I have to jump through hoops for a man to admit he has a girl in his life.. and that NO it is not okay for you to be approaching other women.. when you ALREADY GOT ONE! Stop being so damn greedy!!
I'm not really sure where I am going with this... because I am venting. When I vent... I can't say I make sense or that anything will be said in a particular order.
I was recently involved with a man with a girlfriend. I was told things like, things were very shaky at home and he wasn't sure how much longer it would last... she wants to be married and he's not even sure he wants to marry at all... let alone to her... cheating runs in the family and somehow he's inherited the gene (that last one was my paraphrase... not his words exactly).. but you get where I'm going. So i consistently asked, "So how are you figuring out what to do with her... if you're here with me?" lets just say... ANYTHING i asked... was never directly answered. Danced around very well I would say.
So that relationship... I ended.
I start going out to meet some new people. Boom! The minute I walk into the bar I meet two cool guys that I sat with and began to converse with. The one that spoke to me first, we'll call him #1, was really cool. He was the cousin of the other fella, #2. So while #1 is in the bathroom, #2 asked me if 40yrs old is too old for me. I say... I'm not sure. The night progresses and I'm realizing these guys are pretty cool and fun... so we go next door to the next bar to listen to the reggae band. So #2 begins to REALLY make his move. Sitting all close to me... asking me all kinds of questions... then says, "why don't you have a man?" I said... "I was talking to someone, but he has a girlfriend. I seem to attract married men or men with girlfriends. Do you have a girlfriend? You're not married are you?" soon as I said that, his head dropped. He goes... well... I AM married. SAY HUH??? WTF!!!!! Then he proceeds to say, "So I can't see you?" I said, "No. I can say hi to you every now and then.. but that's about it. Nothing more." Long story short... he wasn't feeling my answer. So i got up and went to talk to another man.
Next dude was cool too, we'll call him #3. Made great convo... he looked good. He was actually making eye contact with me the entire time I was with #2.. and when we spoke, he said he thought #2 was my boyfriend. Man #3 was with a buddy too, #4... that seemed cool but knew #3 liked me so #4 barely said a word to me. Time goes by... he asked why I left dude #2. I said because he's married. Boom! Dude #3's head dropped and he goes, "Well I am married too." SAY HUH!!! W....T....F!!!!
The only reason I am sharing this story is because if you haven't noticed, both #2 and #3 were with SINGLE friends but decided to try for me themselves. Fuckin SELFISH ASS NIGGAS!! #1 and #4 were both really cool and I enjoyed their company! Why the fuck aint' #2 and #3 hook me up with their friends.. being that they were already married and their friends weren't????? SELFISH ASS NIGGAS!
Think it gets better??? Nope.
There's a guy... that I KNOW has been interested in me. I knew it from day one when we met. However, I also know that he is married. He's never made a move, never been disrespectful. Until recently. Said he couldn't take it anymore and had to tell me how he felt. I say, "But you're married." He says, "well, if I am telling you how i feel... then obviously something ain't right (meaning at home)." So I say, "Well, either fix that situation or end it. I'm available... you are not. Holla if/when you are available." He was not liking that response. Here's what I have to say to that..
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY RESPONSE!! I AM SINGLE!!! IF YOU ARE NOT SINGLE... YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING INVOLVED WITH ME!!!
Men!! Just CAINT GET RIGHT! How is it that you don't understand.. fucking around with another woman is not fair to her... OR your woman. Your ass is being greedy and in return... fucking with other peoples lives and emotions.
Now there is an exception... if you are involved in those types of "open" relationships and your girl is cool with you stepping out... good for you. You are a lucky man and I am sure many men are envious of you. HOWEVER, I am NOT the one you will be stepping out with! I don't care if she says its okay... I do not want some other woman's man. Point blank.
Single = no attachment, relationship, marriage. You can go where you want, with whoever you want, whenever you want, without having to check in on anyone or report to anyone. You can disappear for a weekend without giving an explanation to anyone.
I am very happy being single. I can be very happy in a relationship too. But if I had to choose between being with a non-single man and being by myself??? I will always win.
Whew! that was a long one! but feels good to get out...
If things ain't right at "home"... meaning... YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP... you CAN'T fix it by getting involved with another woman! Did you hear me??????
YOU CAN'T FIX "HOME" WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!
Now... if you're trying to fuck up your home... then yes.. that is a possible solution. However, I can't tell you how many men fuck around thinking it's an "out" to their current relationship... and to their surprise... their girl STILL stays with them after they find out. So what do the men do?? Fuck around some more!! Duhhhhh!
So... I've been blogging for about 2-3 years now... so I really can't remember ALL of things I have shared. So forgive me if I am repeating myself to my loyal followers.
I swear I have some sort of sign on my forehead that says, "If you have a girlfriend or are married... Holla at me!" I'm not going to lie.. yes I have messed with both a married man AND a man with a girlfriend. I have also been the woman.. of a man who was fucking around. So yes.. I've been on both ends. However, as much as I am trying to change old habits... I keep getting approached by the "taken" ones... and not the single ones. Let me rephrase that... you see.. I once asked a man if he was "taken" and he said no. And then I see him with a girl by his side. So I said to him, "Maybe I shouldn't have asked if you were taken. So I am asking, are you available?" and his reply was, "Taken.. to me means you're married. I am not married. But I am also not really available." I mean... really? WTF.
Why do I have to jump through hoops for a man to admit he has a girl in his life.. and that NO it is not okay for you to be approaching other women.. when you ALREADY GOT ONE! Stop being so damn greedy!!
I'm not really sure where I am going with this... because I am venting. When I vent... I can't say I make sense or that anything will be said in a particular order.
I was recently involved with a man with a girlfriend. I was told things like, things were very shaky at home and he wasn't sure how much longer it would last... she wants to be married and he's not even sure he wants to marry at all... let alone to her... cheating runs in the family and somehow he's inherited the gene (that last one was my paraphrase... not his words exactly).. but you get where I'm going. So i consistently asked, "So how are you figuring out what to do with her... if you're here with me?" lets just say... ANYTHING i asked... was never directly answered. Danced around very well I would say.
So that relationship... I ended.
I start going out to meet some new people. Boom! The minute I walk into the bar I meet two cool guys that I sat with and began to converse with. The one that spoke to me first, we'll call him #1, was really cool. He was the cousin of the other fella, #2. So while #1 is in the bathroom, #2 asked me if 40yrs old is too old for me. I say... I'm not sure. The night progresses and I'm realizing these guys are pretty cool and fun... so we go next door to the next bar to listen to the reggae band. So #2 begins to REALLY make his move. Sitting all close to me... asking me all kinds of questions... then says, "why don't you have a man?" I said... "I was talking to someone, but he has a girlfriend. I seem to attract married men or men with girlfriends. Do you have a girlfriend? You're not married are you?" soon as I said that, his head dropped. He goes... well... I AM married. SAY HUH??? WTF!!!!! Then he proceeds to say, "So I can't see you?" I said, "No. I can say hi to you every now and then.. but that's about it. Nothing more." Long story short... he wasn't feeling my answer. So i got up and went to talk to another man.
Next dude was cool too, we'll call him #3. Made great convo... he looked good. He was actually making eye contact with me the entire time I was with #2.. and when we spoke, he said he thought #2 was my boyfriend. Man #3 was with a buddy too, #4... that seemed cool but knew #3 liked me so #4 barely said a word to me. Time goes by... he asked why I left dude #2. I said because he's married. Boom! Dude #3's head dropped and he goes, "Well I am married too." SAY HUH!!! W....T....F!!!!
The only reason I am sharing this story is because if you haven't noticed, both #2 and #3 were with SINGLE friends but decided to try for me themselves. Fuckin SELFISH ASS NIGGAS!! #1 and #4 were both really cool and I enjoyed their company! Why the fuck aint' #2 and #3 hook me up with their friends.. being that they were already married and their friends weren't????? SELFISH ASS NIGGAS!
Think it gets better??? Nope.
There's a guy... that I KNOW has been interested in me. I knew it from day one when we met. However, I also know that he is married. He's never made a move, never been disrespectful. Until recently. Said he couldn't take it anymore and had to tell me how he felt. I say, "But you're married." He says, "well, if I am telling you how i feel... then obviously something ain't right (meaning at home)." So I say, "Well, either fix that situation or end it. I'm available... you are not. Holla if/when you are available." He was not liking that response. Here's what I have to say to that..
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY RESPONSE!! I AM SINGLE!!! IF YOU ARE NOT SINGLE... YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING INVOLVED WITH ME!!!
Men!! Just CAINT GET RIGHT! How is it that you don't understand.. fucking around with another woman is not fair to her... OR your woman. Your ass is being greedy and in return... fucking with other peoples lives and emotions.
Now there is an exception... if you are involved in those types of "open" relationships and your girl is cool with you stepping out... good for you. You are a lucky man and I am sure many men are envious of you. HOWEVER, I am NOT the one you will be stepping out with! I don't care if she says its okay... I do not want some other woman's man. Point blank.
Single = no attachment, relationship, marriage. You can go where you want, with whoever you want, whenever you want, without having to check in on anyone or report to anyone. You can disappear for a weekend without giving an explanation to anyone.
I am very happy being single. I can be very happy in a relationship too. But if I had to choose between being with a non-single man and being by myself??? I will always win.
Whew! that was a long one! but feels good to get out...
Your Presence is Heaven to Me
I heard this song for the first time today in church.
Youtube it:
....
Loved it. Have nothing to say... cause it pretty much says it all. My favorite part is the oh Jesus oh Jesus part... ugh! Beautiful. just beautiful.
Youtube it:
Your Presence is Heaven: Israel Houghten
Who is like You Lord in all the earth
Matchless love and beauty, endless worth
Nothing in this world will satisfy
But Jesus You're the cup that won't run dry
Your presence is Heaven to me
Your presence is Heaven to me
Treasure of my heart and of my soul
In my weakness You are merciful
Redeemer of my past and present wrongs
Holder of my future days to come
Your presence is Heaven to me
Your presence is Heaven to me
Your presence is Heaven to me
Lord, Your presence is Heaven to me
Oh Jesus, oh Jesus
Your presence is Heaven to me
All my days on earth I will await
The moment that I see You face to face
'Cause nothing in this world will satisfy
But Jesus You're the cup that won't run dry
Nothing in this world will satisfy
But Jesus You're the cup that won't run dry
Jesus You're the cup that won't run dry
Your presence is Heaven to me
Your presence is Heaven to me
Lord, Your presence is Heaven to me
Your presence is Heaven to me
....
Loved it. Have nothing to say... cause it pretty much says it all. My favorite part is the oh Jesus oh Jesus part... ugh! Beautiful. just beautiful.
Makeup/Weave=Security???
So... i was just told a story that a young man wasn't interested in a woman because he felt she wore makeup and weaves due to being insecure. Say HUH??? I actually know this woman, and believe no such thing. I believe she is just as confident without her weave and/or makeup and just as beautiful too.
The funny thing is... he liked EVERYTHING else about her... on paper they are perfect for each other... but that was the one turnoff that kept him from pursuing a second date.
I can only speak for myself, but I do know a few I can speak for that would be okay with me saying this:
The funny thing is... he liked EVERYTHING else about her... on paper they are perfect for each other... but that was the one turnoff that kept him from pursuing a second date.
I can only speak for myself, but I do know a few I can speak for that would be okay with me saying this:
Women who wear makeup or weaves: Does NOT mean they are insecure!!! Ya heard???
I REPEAT...
Women who wear makeup or weaves: Does NOT mean they are insecure!!!
I personally think this man thought she was too good for him.. and had to come up with some bullshit to justify his OWN insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I also know some women who are insecure and try to hide beneath the decorations... but that doesn't mean every woman is that way. It also doesn't mean you dismiss a woman because of your own preconceived notions. Get to know her! Maybe once you get to know her well enough, you will earn the right to see her au naturale... but until then.. stop judging the book by the cover!
I personally wear weaves a lot. Why? Because i get bored easily with my hairstyle and because my job is not hairstyle friendly lol. I always said.. my hair is the one thing I feel I can control. I can have short hair, long hair, curly hair, braids, sew-ins, wigs, etc. Whatever I'm feeling... I can create. I do my own hair because when I have a vision.. it's important my vision comes to life properly (for a minimal amount of money!) I can't say I wear a lot of makeup, but thats because I have super sensitive skin and I also sweat a lot if working out or at work. I am an "eyeliner-mascara-lipgloss" kinda girl... but love to play with eyeshadow every now and then.
Any hoo... so for me.. makeup and weaves have NOTHING to do with my security. Many of my girls wear makeup every day and would not dream of leaving the house without "putting on their face." However, these girls are JUST AS PRETTY without the makeup! They just love to play with their look to match their mood or their outfit.
Well... I think I had another point... but I forgot because my mind got sidetracked on something else I forgot I wanted to do. It's midnight of course.. and here I am thinking of something else to do lol
I hope you will take this blog and begin to see beneath the surface of a woman's appearance and get to know their insides, before dismissing them for something so unimportant on the outside. Besides, there are many women who have makeup on... that you cannot even notice!
If a woman is truly beautiful... she will be beautiful when the makeup/weave is on... and when it's off too. Stop being judgemental.. MEN!
Prayer
When is the last time you prayed? I just prayed maybe 5 minutes ago. It went something like this, "God... am I crazy? But I feel like it's the right thing to do...it's what I need to do. But am I crazy?"
I sound like a repeat button when I say my mind literally races all day... every day... about SOMETHING!! This is no exaggeration. I truly think a LOT. Don't get me wrong, it's not always bad things that I think about or something I am worrying about. There are a lot of things I want to do like today... tomorrow... the next day.. the next year.. the next five years.. etc. I think about a lot of "what ifs"... but then I'm like "what ifs won't happen if you don't start doing something now".. and then I pray about it and start to put together my gameplan. The only thing is... my gameplan gets altered when things happen that are out of my control. However, even though it's out of my control... I still know it's under HIS control and whatever happened... happened for a reason.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason and everyone we meet is for a reason. A couple people I have met lately... I was unsure of their reason for being in my life. It was really bothering me. I was thinking one thing... but God has been showing me something completely different. These people have been showing me myself... through themselves. It's very interesting... and eye opening.
Along with being a thinker, I can also be a very hardheaded thinker. It's very hard to convince me otherwise, when I feel I have already arrived at an answer. The thing is, the answers don't just pop into my head and they are not answers that I make up myself.
I pray. I pray A LOT!!! I wouldn't consider myself an "on the knees.. speaking in tongues.. mekka lekka hoshulu zulu" type of prayer person. Hold on.. let me put out a disclaimer "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THOSE WHO DO PRAY LIKE THAT!" I'm just saying its not my and God's type of conversation. I do get on my knees sometimes, close my eyes and truly speak/listen to Him... however I would say 90% of my prayers are spoken out loud in my car.. while i'm walking.. as I'm cleaning... basically me and God are in constant communication. I have to pray like that or else I would go insane because my thoughts would consume my mind, body and soul. God is the buffer that helps me sort out this stuff between my ears. Any hoo... so I like to pray... and I am hardheaded. God knows this already... which is why he is constantly SHOWING me my answers! I usually don't get the answer on the first shot... but somewhere around the 10th-20th red and neon flags and flashing bright lights appearing through my life I always end up having an "ohhhhhhhhhh so THAT'S what you were trying to tell me"... followed by a "Really God? I'm not so sure about this... but you ARE the boss... so okay. I'm trusting you." and I let it go. Just like that. I go from a million thoughts per minute.. then dropped. Cause it's in His hands. I'm good... will be good.. cause God's got me and He's NEVER let me down.
So I've just gone on a rant... I know. That's because right before I wrote this blog... God spoke to me about something I have been praying about and going back and forth with for about 2.5 years... and you know what... I gave it to Him. The what-ifs... the fear.. the doubt... it's His because its been wearing me out and leading me in the wrong direction.
My prayer is deep. I am praying for radical change in an area of my life. It's going to be radical because it's not the norm... it's Gods way. It's going to take an enormous amount of faith from me because it's not something I've seen happen. I've heard about it... but never seen it. But who best to trust in regards to making what we perceive as the impossible... to be possible? God. And when I DO see what I thought didn't exist... I will know for sure it's from God. Even better.
So as I end this blog... I will admit... I am a lil scared... but it's a good fear because I know something great will come of this new direction I am moving in. God's got it... so why worry?? Gnite.
I sound like a repeat button when I say my mind literally races all day... every day... about SOMETHING!! This is no exaggeration. I truly think a LOT. Don't get me wrong, it's not always bad things that I think about or something I am worrying about. There are a lot of things I want to do like today... tomorrow... the next day.. the next year.. the next five years.. etc. I think about a lot of "what ifs"... but then I'm like "what ifs won't happen if you don't start doing something now".. and then I pray about it and start to put together my gameplan. The only thing is... my gameplan gets altered when things happen that are out of my control. However, even though it's out of my control... I still know it's under HIS control and whatever happened... happened for a reason.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason and everyone we meet is for a reason. A couple people I have met lately... I was unsure of their reason for being in my life. It was really bothering me. I was thinking one thing... but God has been showing me something completely different. These people have been showing me myself... through themselves. It's very interesting... and eye opening.
Along with being a thinker, I can also be a very hardheaded thinker. It's very hard to convince me otherwise, when I feel I have already arrived at an answer. The thing is, the answers don't just pop into my head and they are not answers that I make up myself.
I pray. I pray A LOT!!! I wouldn't consider myself an "on the knees.. speaking in tongues.. mekka lekka hoshulu zulu" type of prayer person. Hold on.. let me put out a disclaimer "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THOSE WHO DO PRAY LIKE THAT!" I'm just saying its not my and God's type of conversation. I do get on my knees sometimes, close my eyes and truly speak/listen to Him... however I would say 90% of my prayers are spoken out loud in my car.. while i'm walking.. as I'm cleaning... basically me and God are in constant communication. I have to pray like that or else I would go insane because my thoughts would consume my mind, body and soul. God is the buffer that helps me sort out this stuff between my ears. Any hoo... so I like to pray... and I am hardheaded. God knows this already... which is why he is constantly SHOWING me my answers! I usually don't get the answer on the first shot... but somewhere around the 10th-20th red and neon flags and flashing bright lights appearing through my life I always end up having an "ohhhhhhhhhh so THAT'S what you were trying to tell me"... followed by a "Really God? I'm not so sure about this... but you ARE the boss... so okay. I'm trusting you." and I let it go. Just like that. I go from a million thoughts per minute.. then dropped. Cause it's in His hands. I'm good... will be good.. cause God's got me and He's NEVER let me down.
So I've just gone on a rant... I know. That's because right before I wrote this blog... God spoke to me about something I have been praying about and going back and forth with for about 2.5 years... and you know what... I gave it to Him. The what-ifs... the fear.. the doubt... it's His because its been wearing me out and leading me in the wrong direction.
My prayer is deep. I am praying for radical change in an area of my life. It's going to be radical because it's not the norm... it's Gods way. It's going to take an enormous amount of faith from me because it's not something I've seen happen. I've heard about it... but never seen it. But who best to trust in regards to making what we perceive as the impossible... to be possible? God. And when I DO see what I thought didn't exist... I will know for sure it's from God. Even better.
So as I end this blog... I will admit... I am a lil scared... but it's a good fear because I know something great will come of this new direction I am moving in. God's got it... so why worry?? Gnite.
Seeing Blindly
I am a woman who tends to see what i WANT to see... at first. I always say I have been blessed with incredible instincts.. which to me.. seem like a blessing and a curse. I love to look for the good, the love, the best... in a person. However, my instincts always tell me when there are negative things I need to be paying attention to.
I'm sure you've assumed this blog is about a man. Yup. But it's about several men, not just one in particular. However, one in particular was the needle that tipped the haystack and led me to write this blog. I can feel when something is not right. I just can. Don't know why... but I can. I may not know WHAT is not right, but I know when there is something that is off.
I recently wrote about a soul-mate... or being a sole mate.. any hoo.... so yea.. i was WRONG lol At least about the soul-mate. I will probably continue being a sole mate for a good lil while if I keep spending my time with men who do not know how to tell the truth.
So I titled this "seeing blindly". I can see what is right in front of me, but I choose to be blind when something bad begins to present itself. Make sense? I know... this is not a good thing. However, I admit that I do this, but I have also recognized when I do it and am able to stop before i REALLY get myself into trouble. The crazy part is, is that I witness so many other women who see blindly everyday. For me.... seeing blindly drives me CRAZY, but I also understand and have been in their position. I'm just glad I'm not in their position anymore.
So today, I challenge you to truly open your eyes. (Tip: prayer. Ask God to open your eyes cause you're probably going to be reluctant to do so on your own.) Really open your eyes. Open your heart. What do you truly see?? What do you truly feel?? Are you ignoring what you hear/feel? Are you choosing to be blind to what you see? This is not an easy task. It may take doing this... many many many times until you are able to unconsciously do so. However, when you do... you'll experience a very bitter sweet moment, that comes with a lot of clarity.
Clarity/closure is what we want right? You can only see clearly if your eyes are open.
I'm sure you've assumed this blog is about a man. Yup. But it's about several men, not just one in particular. However, one in particular was the needle that tipped the haystack and led me to write this blog. I can feel when something is not right. I just can. Don't know why... but I can. I may not know WHAT is not right, but I know when there is something that is off.
I recently wrote about a soul-mate... or being a sole mate.. any hoo.... so yea.. i was WRONG lol At least about the soul-mate. I will probably continue being a sole mate for a good lil while if I keep spending my time with men who do not know how to tell the truth.
So I titled this "seeing blindly". I can see what is right in front of me, but I choose to be blind when something bad begins to present itself. Make sense? I know... this is not a good thing. However, I admit that I do this, but I have also recognized when I do it and am able to stop before i REALLY get myself into trouble. The crazy part is, is that I witness so many other women who see blindly everyday. For me.... seeing blindly drives me CRAZY, but I also understand and have been in their position. I'm just glad I'm not in their position anymore.
So today, I challenge you to truly open your eyes. (Tip: prayer. Ask God to open your eyes cause you're probably going to be reluctant to do so on your own.) Really open your eyes. Open your heart. What do you truly see?? What do you truly feel?? Are you ignoring what you hear/feel? Are you choosing to be blind to what you see? This is not an easy task. It may take doing this... many many many times until you are able to unconsciously do so. However, when you do... you'll experience a very bitter sweet moment, that comes with a lot of clarity.
Clarity/closure is what we want right? You can only see clearly if your eyes are open.
Happy New Year!
Another year has come and gone.. I have not blogged about my life since 2012.. WOW! So much to catch you up on.. so... where do I begin? I am still an insomniac most nights of the week. It is currently 12:30am and my mind is just RUNNIN!! I can't stop it... so I figured I'd blog.
What's new? Not too much. I am still a firefighter... I have been cleared as a DPO so I am able to drive the engine and pump water should we catch a fire. I am excited... yet a lil nervous.. but way more excited lol. Next step is FFIII... I know... fire jargon is not something everyone gets, therefore I will spend little time on the subject. Point is... I love my job, still work at my job, and plan to do so for a very long time.
My kids? They are great. Getting bigger and bigger everyday. I look back at baby pictures and think, "Where did the time go?" They are very inquisitive boys with lots of energy and plenty of humor. Today i was asked, "Hey mom can I ask you something?" I said sure... and got, "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" as he and his brother immediately burst out into laughter... I couldn't help but join them :)
Ok, I'll get to it... I have work tomorrow. My love life? Hmmmmmmmmm I don't know about LOVE, but i got plenty of LIKE in my world. The like has potential to turn into love, but I'm not sure I am being liked enough for that person to even allow love to happen. Make sense? Yea, not to me either. One day if it starts to make sense, then I will blog about it and let you know :)
On that note, I am going to bed... GNITE! and happy new year! 2012 was great to me and I expect 2013 to be even better.
What's new? Not too much. I am still a firefighter... I have been cleared as a DPO so I am able to drive the engine and pump water should we catch a fire. I am excited... yet a lil nervous.. but way more excited lol. Next step is FFIII... I know... fire jargon is not something everyone gets, therefore I will spend little time on the subject. Point is... I love my job, still work at my job, and plan to do so for a very long time.
My kids? They are great. Getting bigger and bigger everyday. I look back at baby pictures and think, "Where did the time go?" They are very inquisitive boys with lots of energy and plenty of humor. Today i was asked, "Hey mom can I ask you something?" I said sure... and got, "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" as he and his brother immediately burst out into laughter... I couldn't help but join them :)
Ok, I'll get to it... I have work tomorrow. My love life? Hmmmmmmmmm I don't know about LOVE, but i got plenty of LIKE in my world. The like has potential to turn into love, but I'm not sure I am being liked enough for that person to even allow love to happen. Make sense? Yea, not to me either. One day if it starts to make sense, then I will blog about it and let you know :)
On that note, I am going to bed... GNITE! and happy new year! 2012 was great to me and I expect 2013 to be even better.
May I Have Your Permission?
With your permission you are second best
I got with you just like the rest...
Told you I was taken, you had a decision
Made you the mistress, with your permission.
What did you think with each moment we shared?
That I wanted you, needed you and actually cared?
I did, during that moment when I completed my mission.
Lets not forget, it all happened 'cause you gave me permission.
Now you're upset, tonight I cannot come through.
I have plans with number one. Remember, you are number two.
The truth is in plain sight, but you refuse to check your vision.
You put YOU in that spot when you gave me permission.
Your nights, cold and lonely. Mine warm with affection.
My family shows love to me from each direction.
Ask yourself why and how you got in that position...
You blame me, when it was you who gave me permission.
You ended it. That's cool, no regrets on my part.
I knew it wouldn't last too long, right from the start.
When you're number one, that's it. There is no competition.
Because a two becomes a zero if she won't give permission.
You call me names, say I'm a dog and do women wrong.
When the truth is, you were lying to yourself all along.
I told you I was taken, and you made your decision...
You knew there'd be no love, and yet you still gave permission.
I got with you just like the rest...
Told you I was taken, you had a decision
Made you the mistress, with your permission.
What did you think with each moment we shared?
That I wanted you, needed you and actually cared?
I did, during that moment when I completed my mission.
Lets not forget, it all happened 'cause you gave me permission.
Now you're upset, tonight I cannot come through.
I have plans with number one. Remember, you are number two.
The truth is in plain sight, but you refuse to check your vision.
You put YOU in that spot when you gave me permission.
Your nights, cold and lonely. Mine warm with affection.
My family shows love to me from each direction.
Ask yourself why and how you got in that position...
You blame me, when it was you who gave me permission.
You ended it. That's cool, no regrets on my part.
I knew it wouldn't last too long, right from the start.
When you're number one, that's it. There is no competition.
Because a two becomes a zero if she won't give permission.
You call me names, say I'm a dog and do women wrong.
When the truth is, you were lying to yourself all along.
I told you I was taken, and you made your decision...
You knew there'd be no love, and yet you still gave permission.
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