Prayer

When is the last time you prayed? I just prayed maybe 5 minutes ago. It went something like this, "God... am I crazy? But I feel like it's the right thing to do...it's what I need to do. But am I crazy?"

I sound like a repeat button when I say my mind literally races all day... every day... about SOMETHING!! This is no exaggeration. I truly think a LOT. Don't get me wrong, it's not always bad things that I think about or something I am worrying about. There are a lot of things I want to do like today... tomorrow... the next day.. the next year.. the next five years.. etc. I think about a lot of "what ifs"... but then I'm like "what ifs won't happen if you don't start doing something now".. and then I pray about it and start to put together my gameplan. The only thing is... my gameplan gets altered when things happen that are out of my control. However, even though it's out of my control... I still know it's under HIS control and whatever happened... happened for a reason.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and everyone we meet is for a reason. A couple people I have met lately... I was unsure of their reason for being in my life. It was really bothering me. I was thinking one thing... but God has been showing me something completely different. These people have been showing me myself... through themselves. It's very interesting... and eye opening.

Along with being a thinker, I can also be a very hardheaded thinker. It's very hard to convince me otherwise, when I feel I have already arrived at an answer. The thing is, the answers don't just pop into my head and they are not answers that I make up myself.

I pray. I pray A LOT!!! I wouldn't consider myself an "on the knees.. speaking in tongues.. mekka lekka hoshulu zulu" type of prayer person. Hold on.. let me put out a disclaimer "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THOSE WHO DO PRAY LIKE THAT!" I'm just saying its not my and God's type of conversation. I do get on my knees sometimes, close my eyes and truly speak/listen to Him... however I would say 90% of my prayers are spoken out loud in my car.. while i'm walking.. as I'm cleaning... basically me and God are in constant communication. I have to pray like that or else I would go insane because my thoughts would consume my mind, body and soul. God is the buffer that helps me sort out this stuff between my ears. Any hoo... so I like to pray... and I am hardheaded. God knows this already... which is why he is constantly SHOWING me my answers! I usually don't get the answer on the first shot... but somewhere around the 10th-20th red and neon flags and flashing bright lights appearing through my life I always end up having an "ohhhhhhhhhh so THAT'S what you were trying to tell me"... followed by a "Really God? I'm not so sure about this... but you ARE the boss... so okay. I'm trusting you." and I let it go. Just like that. I go from a million thoughts per minute.. then dropped. Cause it's in His hands. I'm good... will be good.. cause God's got me and He's NEVER let me down.

So I've just gone on a rant... I know. That's because right before I wrote this blog... God spoke to me about something I have been praying about and going back and forth with for about 2.5 years... and you know what... I gave it to Him. The what-ifs... the fear.. the doubt... it's His because its been wearing me out and leading me in the wrong direction.

My prayer is deep. I am praying for radical change in an area of my life. It's going to be radical because it's not the norm... it's Gods way. It's going to take an enormous amount of faith from me because it's not something I've seen happen. I've heard about it... but never seen it. But who best to trust in regards to making what we perceive as the impossible... to be possible? God. And when I DO see what I thought didn't exist... I will know for sure it's from God. Even better.

So as I end this blog... I will admit... I am a lil scared... but it's a good fear because I know something great will come of this new direction I am moving in. God's got it... so why worry?? Gnite.