Focus

I'm not gonna lie... my head is so far up in the clouds I might as well be on my way to space. It's like whenever one area of my life is going great... another area is going downhill. Why is that? Can't everything just be great at one time? I hate the saying, "When it rains... it pours" because I can't honestly say everything is bad or going wrong. I feel like it's constantly drizzling lol. When times are great... it's still drizzling, but with sunshine behind it. You ever see a sun shower? Beautiful right! But at the same time... it's still raining!!! WTF!

So what's been going on... well... where do I start. A family member has been very sick... at that time I was REALLY down... while I was down, my financial situation went down. But because I was so far gone in regards to my family, I never really put effort or energy into my finances. To me they were just not that important. Well... the reality of that is... finances are ALWAYS important lol. However, I've never been one to worry about money. It always comes when I need it and somehow or some way, things get paid and taken care of.

While those two areas of my life were down... my career was going up. Achievements and opportunities were popping up left and right. Work was great and is still great. Also, a new person came into my life in a way I wasn't expecting. That was great and is still great.

What I am struggling with... is where do I put my focus? During the rough rough times... my focus was very direct and intense. But it was driven from like an aching sadness... make sense? I wasn't focused because I had a desired outcome. I was focused to distract me from whatever was going on. It worked for about two weeks. I went hard with whatever I was doing for two weeks straight. But then I crashed. And now I am at a point where I've done nothing for two weeks.

I feel like I'm just floating. Floating away. I just want to sit still and be still... but at the beach. I have a desperate need to see water... the ocean... I feel like if I could just see the ocean then maybe my focus will come back to me in some strange way. Like the answer is in a wave... or the sand. I don't know. It's out there.

Rambling...

A Secret ;)

I have a secret that I want to share
You may not know... you may not care.
I'm scared to say what I've been thinking
Staring into space, my eyes not blinking
My heart is beating super fast
This feeling I have, I hope will last
Forever. Cause it's just that great
Call it luck... or call it fate.
To me... it's God's hand over it
He knew all along which man would fit
Into my life, and kids life too
This man? Oh wow... I never knew
Or thought or considered that he would be
The one I would think is right for me.
The truth is I wasn't sure "right" existed
We've hung out before but somehow I missed it
The timing was wrong, I guess you could say.
Through time I've assured what I feel today
So this secret... I'm really not sure where to start
A hint... it has something to do with my heart.
It flutters.. it kicks.. gets these signals from above
My secret? I think I am falling in love...

Questions

Questions. I used to have so many. Okay... so I still DO have so many... but I'm learning there's really no reason to ask so many questions. All of our answers are visible... you see them, hear them.. every day. I've learned if I keep asking a lot of questions... I am really just waiting to hear the answer I WANT to hear. But usually... it only takes one or two quality questions to get everything you need to know.

Next time a person speaks... listen to what they say. Watch what they do... you will find all the answers you need.

I don't make friends easily because it takes something unique for me to consider anyone my friend. I am cautious. VERY cautious of people because not everybody has good intentions. I've learned to separate myself from people who are deliberately out to hurt me. I'm not talking physically hurt me... I'm talking about people that have the nerve to try and fuck with my heart... or to take advantage of my heart. THAT red flag pops up immediately now and I am able to see it very clearly.

So what do I do? I cut people off from my heart. I may not be able to compartmentalize my feelings very well... but I've learned that if don't even GO there.. then it is SO much easier. Not sure if that's going to hurt me or help me in the end... but it seems to have been working pretty well. I'm at peace with it... so that's really all that matters.

Actually... now that I think about it... yea it IS going to hurt me for a lil while because just as I said I was ready for love the other day... today I feel like "Nobody is getting into my heart." So the only way I can figure... is that special somebody that is meant to love me is gonna have a HELLUVA time trying to get me to know that the love is REAL. I will be watching and listening very closely.. but lately... all I see and hear is nothing that really appeals to me.

With that said... any questions??? LMAO ... i'm gonna go workout :/