I believe a person is a person and will always be that person...unless something happens or that person desires to be someone different. So basically, if a person doesn't feel anything is wrong with them and being who they are doesn't affect their life negatively, they're never going to change.
I believe men change twice in their life; puberty and around 40 when they become men. Now don't get me wrong, some men only change at puberty and live like teenagers throughout their whole life. My uncle is that guy lol He lives his life like he's 20 when he's really 50 something. Even though he screws a lot of women, literally and figuratively, he's happy. He's living his life and he feels there is nothing wrong with the way he lives it, because he is happy.
Women change a LOT. Not necessarily their personality, but just the way we view things, the way we act and the way we dress. Much of our change is due to hormones. When we get our period, have kids, get a man, and go through menopause. All that stuff affects our hormones...not to mention the amount of activity we engage in every day, running around the kids, taking care of the man, taking care of ourselves, going to work, taking care of the home etc. that takes a toll on our hormones.
I know I have changed, mainly because of my circumstances. Financial hardships can really change your view of life and how you operate, and now that I don't have financial hardships, instead I have healthy challenges. I changed a lot during my marriage. My marriage was a rude awakening because I stopped being an athlete, became a wife and mother all within a matter of months. It sounds corny because we hear it so much on TV, but I really lost myself. I didn't know WHO I was, what I wanted, what I needed and what I had and didn't have, but yet I had a husband and son.
I don't regret anything I've done or gone through, because I really believe it's made me a much stronger person, and I know what I want and need because of it. But I will be the first to admit, I have changed. I am not the same person I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago and so on. I am a better person. My goals are still the same, but how I go about them is different. My personality is the same, I don't like to lie, I'm blunt, I still have an IDGF attitude if I don't care for you and your opinion, and I'm going to work hard at whatever I do because I want it to be as close to perfection as I can get it. At the same time, I'm still going to love hard (and probably get hurt hard until I find the right one to love) because I believe in go for it all or don't go at all.
Anyway, my point is...the only person you can change is yourself. If you're not happy with your circumstances, you have to make a change. You can't spend your life wanting and hoping for someone else to be different...they could be doing the same thing about you and THEN where do you get? Nowhere. What's that saying, "If you do the same thing over and over again, you will get the same result over and over again." Something like that...that's also a saying about ignorance; doing the same thing and expecting something different. Okay, enough cliches...take from this what you will.
Ma'Ma
You only have one mom. I know...there's step-mom's, adoptive mom's, lesbian moms...but you only came out of one vagina...and that vagina belonged to your mom. Love her, hate her...regardless, she brought you into this world.
My oldest child was a surprise, but not really. We knew what we were doing and was aware of the risk. I was waiting for my period to come so I could start my birth control...however, it never came. We were happy to find out I was pregnant. Abortion was never an option for me, I just don't believe in it; for myself. My son was my buddy for a hot while. I would have never imagined when he was one years old that he would be my best friend...my only friend...to talk to. Sounds crazy right? But that's how it was. Living in Hawaii...a place supposed to be considered paradise...was my living hell. The first year I lived in Hawaii was hell. My son's father "worked" all day every day, and me and my son stayed home and chilled together all day... every day.
I'm not sure if all that time we spent together was a good thing, or a bad thing. My oldest son has a LOT of my personality. In other words...we CLASH. Big time. Growing up, I never really talked to my mom. I was always by her side, attached to her hip when I was little...but as I got older, we never agreed on clothes, style, anything. I always fought with my mom, but could chill with my dad. I was never really close to her like my sister is. My sister talks to my mom at least three times a day, every day. I call her maybe once or twice a week.
My oldest son will not talk to me. If he does, it's after a LOT of attitude, anger, hostility, you name it. There might as well be an explosion before I get down to the root of the problem of my sons issues. He never really tells me the ultimate issue, but I can get the jist. I'm his mom.
My son is mad at me. He's mad at me for not being with his dad anymore. He's mad at me for moving so much. He's mad at me for changing schools so many times. He's mad at me for everything. I get it. I try my best to handle it. But I will admit that it does hurt. I know I will never make him truly happy because all he wants is for me to get back with his dad and for us to be a family again.
My son saw a lot. He's seen me cry more than any kid should ever have seen. He's seen me angry, happy, frustrated...he's witnessed it all; and internalized it. UGH! Yea...so I can't write about it anymore...not the right time. Sorry.
My oldest child was a surprise, but not really. We knew what we were doing and was aware of the risk. I was waiting for my period to come so I could start my birth control...however, it never came. We were happy to find out I was pregnant. Abortion was never an option for me, I just don't believe in it; for myself. My son was my buddy for a hot while. I would have never imagined when he was one years old that he would be my best friend...my only friend...to talk to. Sounds crazy right? But that's how it was. Living in Hawaii...a place supposed to be considered paradise...was my living hell. The first year I lived in Hawaii was hell. My son's father "worked" all day every day, and me and my son stayed home and chilled together all day... every day.
I'm not sure if all that time we spent together was a good thing, or a bad thing. My oldest son has a LOT of my personality. In other words...we CLASH. Big time. Growing up, I never really talked to my mom. I was always by her side, attached to her hip when I was little...but as I got older, we never agreed on clothes, style, anything. I always fought with my mom, but could chill with my dad. I was never really close to her like my sister is. My sister talks to my mom at least three times a day, every day. I call her maybe once or twice a week.
My oldest son will not talk to me. If he does, it's after a LOT of attitude, anger, hostility, you name it. There might as well be an explosion before I get down to the root of the problem of my sons issues. He never really tells me the ultimate issue, but I can get the jist. I'm his mom.
My son is mad at me. He's mad at me for not being with his dad anymore. He's mad at me for moving so much. He's mad at me for changing schools so many times. He's mad at me for everything. I get it. I try my best to handle it. But I will admit that it does hurt. I know I will never make him truly happy because all he wants is for me to get back with his dad and for us to be a family again.
My son saw a lot. He's seen me cry more than any kid should ever have seen. He's seen me angry, happy, frustrated...he's witnessed it all; and internalized it. UGH! Yea...so I can't write about it anymore...not the right time. Sorry.
Making History
Remember when Venus and Serena Williams rocked the tennis world? I remember watching so many tennis matches just because they were playing. I even tried to play the game...to no avail lol. The power and energy they showed on the courts every time they played was magnetic...drawing you into the TV for every serve. I remember when I worked at a gym about two years ago, my boss would let us change the channel in the office to their matches.
Remember Miss America? Miss America started in Atlantic City...5 min from my hometown...so it was always a big deal in South Jersey. I remember when the ladies would be gracing the boardwalk the week of the pageant, Donald Trump would be involved, the newspapers would be full of pictures and information leading up to the big day. We all know that Vanessa Williams was the first black Miss America, but I was only four at the time and had no idea of what was going on. What I do remember, is when there was another black Miss America crowned, not one, but two years in a row! That was insane! I think that was usually the only thing that kept us watching that pageant every year; just to see if a black girl won.
Where am I going with this? In the black community, or any minority community, it is a big deal when we succeed. I grew up in a predominately white area. I remember going to elementary school every year, coming home, and saying, "Mom, I'm the only black one in my class AGAIN." I just wanted ONE person to be in class that looked like me, but more importantly, had HAIR like me! I never understood why I could not wear my hair out and had to have a thousand plats or cornrolls in my hair. I was never surrounded by girls like me until I got to junior high, high school and college; unless we were at family gatherings or in Atlantic City or Pleasantville.
Even though I was the only black girl in a LOT of things growing up, it never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was a cheerleader, the ONLY black cheerleader on the squad every year except one. I played basketball...the only black player on the team EVERY year and I played up to the 8th grade. I did gymnastics...my coach was black, so that was cool, but again I was the only one on my team. Soccer...the only one. Softball...same thing...youth group...same thing...
As you can see, being the only black girl and sometimes the only black person period, is nothing new to me. I do not feel my color defines who I am, but it definitely affects things that happen in my life and contributed to how my personality has developed. But to get to the point, I am about to be the first black female in an entire fire department. I sit back and think about it, and it just seems so surreal. Really? Why? Did no other black woman apply? or if they did...why didn't they make it? Was it because of racism or did they not qualify? But what I have learned, it does not matter why. I am it...her...the one to be granted this opportunity and to make history. I don't know what to say...but I'm ready and well prepared. All my steps in life...have been ordered for this position.
When I was looking for a babysitter after I got accepted into the academy, I met a black woman that told me she always wanted to be a firefighter. She said she took the test and missed it by one point, and never tried again. She was so excited as I told her I made it into the academy. I remember that moment like it just happened. I then went on to meet a retired black firefighter who told me a story of a black woman that applied several times, but was just never chosen to reach the interview stage. Hearing these stories makes my position feel more special...more necessary. Those two women need to see someone make it...and I want to make it just as much for them as for me. It was never a big deal to me to be the only black girl. However, in my young age and naiveness, it was always a big deal and I just never realized it until this year. I personally have always believed girls can play any sport such as football, be iron workers, police officers, CEO's, whatever they want to be. But it's different HEARING it, compared to seeing it or doing it.
How many little black girls are now playing tennis because of Venus and Serena? How many black women are in pageants after seeing Vanessa Williams? How many little black girls signed up for gymnastics after watching Domonique Dawes? The list goes on and on...
How many black girls are going to try out for the fire department just because they saw me make it? I have no idea, but if I can inspire just ONE black girl to apply, or realize they can do any profession they want, then my goal will be fulfilled. My prayer is not to retire "alone"...and so far God has answered all my prayers.
Remember Miss America? Miss America started in Atlantic City...5 min from my hometown...so it was always a big deal in South Jersey. I remember when the ladies would be gracing the boardwalk the week of the pageant, Donald Trump would be involved, the newspapers would be full of pictures and information leading up to the big day. We all know that Vanessa Williams was the first black Miss America, but I was only four at the time and had no idea of what was going on. What I do remember, is when there was another black Miss America crowned, not one, but two years in a row! That was insane! I think that was usually the only thing that kept us watching that pageant every year; just to see if a black girl won.
Where am I going with this? In the black community, or any minority community, it is a big deal when we succeed. I grew up in a predominately white area. I remember going to elementary school every year, coming home, and saying, "Mom, I'm the only black one in my class AGAIN." I just wanted ONE person to be in class that looked like me, but more importantly, had HAIR like me! I never understood why I could not wear my hair out and had to have a thousand plats or cornrolls in my hair. I was never surrounded by girls like me until I got to junior high, high school and college; unless we were at family gatherings or in Atlantic City or Pleasantville.
Even though I was the only black girl in a LOT of things growing up, it never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was a cheerleader, the ONLY black cheerleader on the squad every year except one. I played basketball...the only black player on the team EVERY year and I played up to the 8th grade. I did gymnastics...my coach was black, so that was cool, but again I was the only one on my team. Soccer...the only one. Softball...same thing...youth group...same thing...
As you can see, being the only black girl and sometimes the only black person period, is nothing new to me. I do not feel my color defines who I am, but it definitely affects things that happen in my life and contributed to how my personality has developed. But to get to the point, I am about to be the first black female in an entire fire department. I sit back and think about it, and it just seems so surreal. Really? Why? Did no other black woman apply? or if they did...why didn't they make it? Was it because of racism or did they not qualify? But what I have learned, it does not matter why. I am it...her...the one to be granted this opportunity and to make history. I don't know what to say...but I'm ready and well prepared. All my steps in life...have been ordered for this position.
When I was looking for a babysitter after I got accepted into the academy, I met a black woman that told me she always wanted to be a firefighter. She said she took the test and missed it by one point, and never tried again. She was so excited as I told her I made it into the academy. I remember that moment like it just happened. I then went on to meet a retired black firefighter who told me a story of a black woman that applied several times, but was just never chosen to reach the interview stage. Hearing these stories makes my position feel more special...more necessary. Those two women need to see someone make it...and I want to make it just as much for them as for me. It was never a big deal to me to be the only black girl. However, in my young age and naiveness, it was always a big deal and I just never realized it until this year. I personally have always believed girls can play any sport such as football, be iron workers, police officers, CEO's, whatever they want to be. But it's different HEARING it, compared to seeing it or doing it.
How many little black girls are now playing tennis because of Venus and Serena? How many black women are in pageants after seeing Vanessa Williams? How many little black girls signed up for gymnastics after watching Domonique Dawes? The list goes on and on...
How many black girls are going to try out for the fire department just because they saw me make it? I have no idea, but if I can inspire just ONE black girl to apply, or realize they can do any profession they want, then my goal will be fulfilled. My prayer is not to retire "alone"...and so far God has answered all my prayers.
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