About two or three weeks ago, my divorce was paid in full. Keep in mind, we have been separated for almost 4 years. I have not lived with my ex in four years...have not slept with him in four years...the relationship has been done...for almost four years.
I made the payment, went home and cried. The way I felt...I NEVER expected. Hit me...straight from the blind side. I was so confused and sad. Did I make a mistake? Maybe we could make it work...maybe he should move back in tomorrow and we'll fix it. What if... maybe... maybe... but... but... but... I just prayed. What was wrong with me? I prayed to God and asked why I felt that way. I was supposed to be happy and planning my divorce party...right????
So a good friend of mine called in the midst of my breakdown. I tried to clear myself up and talk like nothing happened. You know..."Hey, what's up? Nothing much...ran some errands...watching TV." Then out of nowhere I blurt out, "I think I have divorce remorse. Is there a such thing? Is that normal?" Thank God for my friends. I really have the best. She calmly explains to me that I have every right to be upset...I was ending a very important part of my life...it's like a death..." While she's explaining...tears just streamed down my face. I know the marriage is over. I don't truly believe it will ever work.
I've never experienced the death of anyone close to me. So I think she was right. It was like something died. I felt like a failure. You know...if someone you know dies...you wrack through your brain the many different ways you should've helped...or what you failed at doing...what you should've said...what you never said. I sit here every day wracking my brain what I could have done different...even though I know nothing would have made it better. I tried. I tried everything I knew of...heard of...read of. I tried. I really tried. But I knew it wouldn't be right to stay.
So...for the longest time I felt like a failure. I'm not sure if you know who I am...I am Ronny...Ronny never gives up...Ronny gets what she wants...Ronny works her ass off to make things right, to fix things, to be successful...God blesses me all the time...I pray...I do what I have to do...and BOOM...by the grace of God...it's there. Ronny is not a failure by any means. Yet she failed at marriage.
You know what keeps sticking out in my head right now...a really close friend of mine, someone I love dearly...always said to me, "You're so hard." Mmmm.. I guess. So hard, yet so fragile. I feel like glass...looks tough...feels tough...but with the right strike, it shatters to a million pieces. I feel shattered tonight. Yesterday my glass was shattered, by another person who is just like glass; so tough, yet so fragile.
I'm rambling right now, in case you haven't noticed... You ever heard the saying "Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie." So many people think lying is okay if you're sparing another person's feelings. That's NOT true. It never makes it better. Lying never makes it better. If you ever have the pleasure of becoming my friend...take comfort in knowing I will always speak to you truthfully. Lies destroy. Truth may hurt...but it heals and makes you stronger. Don't you know that when you build up your muscle, you're really tearing it apart...leaving it alone...and allowing it to heal so it comes back stronger. Then you rip it apart again...and it makes it stronger. Once you've reached your goal...that muscle has memory...and the next time you want to build it up, it doesn't take as long as the first time. Truth may hurt...shred you to pieces...shatter you like glass...but if you keep using the truth...you build memory...and in the future it doesn't hurt so bad...or take as long to heal. That's what makes relationships stronger. Truth. Not lies. Lies are a false sense of protection. It's only a matter of time before the lie fails...and it usually fails at the time you need the truth the most.
The day you needed to be held...loved...and laughed with...is the day the lie fails and you find out he/she has been doing those things with someone else. The day your kid gets excited because their deadbeat mom/dad said they were coming to pick them up because they know their kid wants nothing else than to see them...but the lie fails when they never show up. When you signed the mortgage thinking you were set for the next 30 years...and the lie failed when your house is foreclosed within two years and you've lost your down payment and closing fees because the company was a sham.
Lies broke our marriage. Both of us lied...he told me things that weren't true. He lied. Sometimes I said "It's okay" when I knew I wasn't really okay with it. I lied. The lies built up before our relationship even had a chance of gaining strength. Didn't take much to break it.
Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.
I made it a point to never lie about how I feel again. To be open and honest with communication. That's great...but what if your S/O doesn't take the same vow? You find yourself questioning if you should have really told the truth...because the truth is why you lost him/her...right? Or is it because of the lie? That's when it hurts the most too... because you love so hard that you want to lie just to make everything better because if you tell the truth...it might end. No. A relationship with lies will always end one way or another. You can only get stronger through truth. Truth prevails...lies fail.
Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.
Side-tracked...I know. These are the thoughts I have...my mind...always running.
We're Not a Black America
Race
A trait that drives people to hate
Only few will embrace
The rest discriminate
Because of ignorance
Who we are leaves a scar
We thought we came so far
Just to still be sub par
In the eyes of the society
Black people equal poverty
A step below humanity
They say we lack propriety
MLK's vision
His attempt to end division
Never truly came to life
'Cause we're continuing to fight
Amongst our own
Against the others
Taking children from their mothers
Many fathers live in jail
We blame the system
Say it failed
How we gonna rise?
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Lift your head to the skies
Time to say your good byes
To the hatred to the fear
Stop hiding behind pain
How would you want to be treated?
Treat all people the same
Or again we'll be defeated
Only we are to blame.
We're not a Black America
Our country's full of color
Don't be so quick to judge
Instead of hating, love each other.
There's a fat girl in me just DYING to come out!
Hi, my name is Ronny and I am a sweetsoholic. "HI RONNY!"
Whew! It sure does feel good to confess. Problem is...I'm STILL ADDICTED! Now what?? You know what's on my mind right now...brownies, cookies, cake, cupcakes. I've been craving ice cream like no other...it's ridiculous! I know what you're thinking...no... I am NOT pregnant.
There's a fat girl in me and she is just DYING to come out! I don't know what I did to enrage her, but she is trying to come out full force. Twinkies...did I mention brownies?? Huhhhhhhhhh what to do...what to do.
If you're thinking I am eating all of these things, I am not...at least not EVERY day lol. So... I really like the cheap chocolate chip cookies...you know...the ones that look real old-school. In walmart you will find them for 98cents by the no-name brand cookies. But anyway....i LOVE those chocolate chip cookies! I bought a pack for my kids lunches the other day...my poor kids never touched one, probably never even saw one. Yup. Ate the whole pack. But it was WORTH it dammit!
So why do I say a fat girl's in me? Cause I'm not fat...YET. Don't get me wrong...I definitely have fat spots lol more than I would like. But I also have been blessed with muscle. Lots of muscle. So the majority of my weight is muscle...for now. So many things have changed about my body since I turned 29 (I'm 31 now)...so it's only a matter of time before my addiction catches up to me.
Do I exercise? Of course. It doesn't take much for me to lose weight if I have to, because I still have the athlete in me. Thankfully I have been able to maintain...and I hope I can continue to maintain. But I still wonder how long I will be able to keep this up without drastically changing my eating habits...hmmmmm.
Well...thanks for accompanying me during my "fat girl" moment. I could REALLY use a brownie sundae...or better yet...donuts!!!! Maybe I can get My Love (or former love...I still have yet to rename him)...but maybe I can get him to stop by our favorite donut place for me...Country Style Donuts. If you're ever in Richmond VA, it's off Williamsburg Rd...same street as the airport. Their donuts are the ISH!!! and i've tried a LOT of donut places. See...you KNOW there's a fat girl in me cause I'm getting all hyped up by typing about my favorite treat LMAO...so sad. Okay I'm out...1 !
**PS** I sent My Love a text about the donuts...he reminded me it's Monday...they're closed on Mondays...DAMN DAMN DAMN! But he said he will get them for me tomorrow...YAY!
**HAPPY FACE**
More Than Words
My word is my bond. Trust. Real talk. Anybody ever say those words to you? Words. I write them everyday...read them everyday...and hear them everyday. Some words I cling to...and read over and over...listen to over and over. Yet, some words simply mean nothing to me.
Sorry. I can't stand that word. That's a word that has really lost meaning to me. If you come to me, armed with that word, and ONLY that word...you might as well turn around, walk away, and say NOTHING. I don't want to hear it. Even if you really mean it...chances are...I won't believe you until I see something you DO that shows you are sorry.
Respect. Now that's a word that can't be spoken. If you have to tell someone to respect you, you are too late...and don't deserve the word. The only time you can speak the word respect is when you are explaining to someone else how to demonstrate being respectful. If you're trying to be respected by someone else, speaking it or writing it will not do the job. You only get respect, by showing respect and earning it.
Trust me. No muthafucka...don't be distrustful. **I don't usually fix my blogs...but I was informed my last sentence makes no sense. What I meant was, "No muthafucka...don't give me a reason to NOT trust you** You've heard the saying...never trust someone who says "trust me". Trust and respect fall along the same line. If you have to tell someone to trust you...you must have already given them a reason NOT to. Just like respect...trust is earned.
I love you. Really? How? How do you love me? So many people always ask, "Why? Why do you love me or why do you love so-and-so?" No. I want to know HOW. Those three words...are simply words. Overused letters that have been written...said...and heard way too much on TV... cards... movies... everywhere. I'm guilty. I say I love you. I definitely believe the word love needs to be said and written regularly. HOWEVER, it is not a word that can be used alone. How do you love? We all know why you love...it's LOVE...duh. You can't love...without love. Make sense? But how do you do it? You can say it. You can write it. You can touch. You can listen. You can give. You can help. You can provide. You can deny (e.g. Deny someone their keys because they are too drunk to drive. That can be an act of love). Stop saying you love...and DO it. Love is a choice...followed by actions...not just a word. If you LOVE football...then you love by watching the game...studying the game...and if you're fortunate, you play the game. You know that game inside and out...because you study it. Why...because you LOVE it. You know as many aspects of the game as possible, such as players, coaches, rules, teams, trades, contracts, statistics, fields, history...etc. So how do you love a person? The same way as if you loved football.
Can't. I HATE that word. I have one son who believes he can do anything. There is nothing my son doesn't think he can do. However, my other son says "can't" every freakin five minutes! It drives me insane! Can't? Why can't you? Who says you can't? Did you try? Then try again...and again...and again. Ask for help. There is ALWAYS a way. Substitute the word "can't" with "okay" and you will never think you "can't" again. It wasn't the little engine that couldn't...it was the little engine that could. Would you really read the book if it said he couldn't?
M'am. I'd rather say "miss". This one is easy...M'am just sounds OLD no matter WHO you say it to. Miss just sounds much younger.
Why? I love that word. It never comes out sounding good...but that's how I get my information; about anything. If you don't know why...then I will find out from another source/person. I love to learn. Can't help it. Everything has a reason. However, I definitely have learned that everything has a reason, but I will not always learn the reason. Sometimes God is the only one who knows why.
So this post turned out to be a lot longer than I intended. Point is...don't say shit just to hear yourself talk. Sometimes saying nothing...is better understood. DO something to back up your words. We've all heard it...actions speak louder than words.
If you suck at speaking...write it down. But write it in pen...don't type it on the computer and don't write in pencil...and don't have someone else write while you talk. I'd rather get an "I'm sorry" letter that wasn't revised, grammar corrected, or "fixed" to sound great. I'd rather get a "love" letter that was hand-written as opposed to typed or cut n pasted. Get the point?
Sorry. I can't stand that word. That's a word that has really lost meaning to me. If you come to me, armed with that word, and ONLY that word...you might as well turn around, walk away, and say NOTHING. I don't want to hear it. Even if you really mean it...chances are...I won't believe you until I see something you DO that shows you are sorry.
Respect. Now that's a word that can't be spoken. If you have to tell someone to respect you, you are too late...and don't deserve the word. The only time you can speak the word respect is when you are explaining to someone else how to demonstrate being respectful. If you're trying to be respected by someone else, speaking it or writing it will not do the job. You only get respect, by showing respect and earning it.
Trust me. No muthafucka...don't be distrustful. **I don't usually fix my blogs...but I was informed my last sentence makes no sense. What I meant was, "No muthafucka...don't give me a reason to NOT trust you** You've heard the saying...never trust someone who says "trust me". Trust and respect fall along the same line. If you have to tell someone to trust you...you must have already given them a reason NOT to. Just like respect...trust is earned.
I love you. Really? How? How do you love me? So many people always ask, "Why? Why do you love me or why do you love so-and-so?" No. I want to know HOW. Those three words...are simply words. Overused letters that have been written...said...and heard way too much on TV... cards... movies... everywhere. I'm guilty. I say I love you. I definitely believe the word love needs to be said and written regularly. HOWEVER, it is not a word that can be used alone. How do you love? We all know why you love...it's LOVE...duh. You can't love...without love. Make sense? But how do you do it? You can say it. You can write it. You can touch. You can listen. You can give. You can help. You can provide. You can deny (e.g. Deny someone their keys because they are too drunk to drive. That can be an act of love). Stop saying you love...and DO it. Love is a choice...followed by actions...not just a word. If you LOVE football...then you love by watching the game...studying the game...and if you're fortunate, you play the game. You know that game inside and out...because you study it. Why...because you LOVE it. You know as many aspects of the game as possible, such as players, coaches, rules, teams, trades, contracts, statistics, fields, history...etc. So how do you love a person? The same way as if you loved football.
Can't. I HATE that word. I have one son who believes he can do anything. There is nothing my son doesn't think he can do. However, my other son says "can't" every freakin five minutes! It drives me insane! Can't? Why can't you? Who says you can't? Did you try? Then try again...and again...and again. Ask for help. There is ALWAYS a way. Substitute the word "can't" with "okay" and you will never think you "can't" again. It wasn't the little engine that couldn't...it was the little engine that could. Would you really read the book if it said he couldn't?
M'am. I'd rather say "miss". This one is easy...M'am just sounds OLD no matter WHO you say it to. Miss just sounds much younger.
Why? I love that word. It never comes out sounding good...but that's how I get my information; about anything. If you don't know why...then I will find out from another source/person. I love to learn. Can't help it. Everything has a reason. However, I definitely have learned that everything has a reason, but I will not always learn the reason. Sometimes God is the only one who knows why.
So this post turned out to be a lot longer than I intended. Point is...don't say shit just to hear yourself talk. Sometimes saying nothing...is better understood. DO something to back up your words. We've all heard it...actions speak louder than words.
If you suck at speaking...write it down. But write it in pen...don't type it on the computer and don't write in pencil...and don't have someone else write while you talk. I'd rather get an "I'm sorry" letter that wasn't revised, grammar corrected, or "fixed" to sound great. I'd rather get a "love" letter that was hand-written as opposed to typed or cut n pasted. Get the point?
Getting a job...requires WORK.
Every day I drive somewhere...and at least one corner, or traffic light, has a scruffy-looking adult sitting or standing with a cardboard sign or bucket asking for food or money. I mean these people are there for HOURS! I've dropped my kids off at school and passed by the same person on my way home from picking them up...that's EIGHT hours later! RIDICULOUS! I'm sorry...but you should be ashamed of yourself if you can sit in that same spot, with the same sign or bucket, for hours on end...day after day. If you have that much nerve to ask strangers for their money and food that THEY"VE gone out and earned...what is stopping you from WORKING towards the same goal?
It takes WORK to find a job. Instead of sitting your ass on the corner...take it to a damn library, or employment office, or church! Instead of sitting and eating for free....WORK FOR FREE and maybe in turn someone will offer you a job because they see you up and DOING SOMETHING! I had a rough year last year. I was practically jobless, but I always kept working. Some weeks I made $100...some weeks I made $10...by doing whatever I had to do to feed my kids and get them to and from school. None of the work I did was sexual...or drug related. That's another myth...that you have to work the pole or sell drugs to make it. Don't get me wrong...I thought about it...a LOT. But I knew I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I did and I would never want that to get back to my kids when they got older. Not knockin those who choose that route...I just know it wasn't for ME. I applied to probably 100 jobs last year. I currently have a full-time career, but I still get emails and letters stating I did not get a job I applied for or that position was canceled. Some jobs I don't even remember applying for!
Even when I was broke as hell...you rarely caught me sitting around doing NOTHING...asking people for food and money. I would hustle by day...writing...working part-time jobs...teaching...anything I could do to get some money. I always went to church...regardless how depressed I was feeling. There were some days when I knew I had enough gas to get to church, but wasn't sure if I had enough gas to get home. I sold so many of my things on craigslist...I got food from my church foodbank and friends...it was probably the worst/lowest part of my life. But I never gave up. I cried many days and nights...was so stressed I couldn't sleep. I would be up til 3am reading any and every book I could get a hold of...writing articles for $10-$20 a piece...then get up at 6am to get my kids ready for their day...then I would continue job hunting...writing...teaching...whatever while they were at school...I was ALWAYS doing SOMETHING.
Bottom line...you have the choice to do nothing and get by...or do something with a sense of purpose and KNOW you're going to make it. When I see these people on the corner...I see no hope...no determination...no motivation. Hold up a sign that says "NEED JOB...WILL WORK FOR FREE" instead of "Homeless with five kids." I don't care what you have or don't have...I am more interested in what you plan to do about it...what kind of work ethic you have...how bad you want to get off that freakin corner and never go back to it. Instead of sitting outside of Walmart because so many people are passing by you...get your ass up, clean yourself up in the walmart bathroom, and talk to the manager every day until they give you a job...walk into every store and introduce yourself and say you're looking for a job...do that every day. Don't tell me your sob story...nobody wants to hear that. People want to know what you have inside of you that says you deserve a chance. It's not until AFTER you make it that people want to know your story. It is what it is.
If YOU don't believe in yourself...it's rare that anybody else will. I KNEW I was going to make it...nobody could tell me any different. I am not completely where I want to be, but I KNOW I'm going to get there. I really don't care what anybody says about me...or what they think of my past circumstances. I KNOW where I am going and that's all that matters. People have told me they could tell I was going to make it because I always had determination. I get joked a lot about making a way out of no way...working so many jobs...finding ways to call when my phone, cable and internet was shut off...the cheap meals I created but fed my kids til they were full...the tiny ass apartment I lived in at one point...but I don't care. I'd rather get joked about making a way...compared to getting joked about sitting on my ass, on a corner, looking for handouts. You will ALWAYS see me hustle.
It takes WORK to find a job. Instead of sitting your ass on the corner...take it to a damn library, or employment office, or church! Instead of sitting and eating for free....WORK FOR FREE and maybe in turn someone will offer you a job because they see you up and DOING SOMETHING! I had a rough year last year. I was practically jobless, but I always kept working. Some weeks I made $100...some weeks I made $10...by doing whatever I had to do to feed my kids and get them to and from school. None of the work I did was sexual...or drug related. That's another myth...that you have to work the pole or sell drugs to make it. Don't get me wrong...I thought about it...a LOT. But I knew I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I did and I would never want that to get back to my kids when they got older. Not knockin those who choose that route...I just know it wasn't for ME. I applied to probably 100 jobs last year. I currently have a full-time career, but I still get emails and letters stating I did not get a job I applied for or that position was canceled. Some jobs I don't even remember applying for!
Even when I was broke as hell...you rarely caught me sitting around doing NOTHING...asking people for food and money. I would hustle by day...writing...working part-time jobs...teaching...anything I could do to get some money. I always went to church...regardless how depressed I was feeling. There were some days when I knew I had enough gas to get to church, but wasn't sure if I had enough gas to get home. I sold so many of my things on craigslist...I got food from my church foodbank and friends...it was probably the worst/lowest part of my life. But I never gave up. I cried many days and nights...was so stressed I couldn't sleep. I would be up til 3am reading any and every book I could get a hold of...writing articles for $10-$20 a piece...then get up at 6am to get my kids ready for their day...then I would continue job hunting...writing...teaching...whatever while they were at school...I was ALWAYS doing SOMETHING.
Bottom line...you have the choice to do nothing and get by...or do something with a sense of purpose and KNOW you're going to make it. When I see these people on the corner...I see no hope...no determination...no motivation. Hold up a sign that says "NEED JOB...WILL WORK FOR FREE" instead of "Homeless with five kids." I don't care what you have or don't have...I am more interested in what you plan to do about it...what kind of work ethic you have...how bad you want to get off that freakin corner and never go back to it. Instead of sitting outside of Walmart because so many people are passing by you...get your ass up, clean yourself up in the walmart bathroom, and talk to the manager every day until they give you a job...walk into every store and introduce yourself and say you're looking for a job...do that every day. Don't tell me your sob story...nobody wants to hear that. People want to know what you have inside of you that says you deserve a chance. It's not until AFTER you make it that people want to know your story. It is what it is.
If YOU don't believe in yourself...it's rare that anybody else will. I KNEW I was going to make it...nobody could tell me any different. I am not completely where I want to be, but I KNOW I'm going to get there. I really don't care what anybody says about me...or what they think of my past circumstances. I KNOW where I am going and that's all that matters. People have told me they could tell I was going to make it because I always had determination. I get joked a lot about making a way out of no way...working so many jobs...finding ways to call when my phone, cable and internet was shut off...the cheap meals I created but fed my kids til they were full...the tiny ass apartment I lived in at one point...but I don't care. I'd rather get joked about making a way...compared to getting joked about sitting on my ass, on a corner, looking for handouts. You will ALWAYS see me hustle.
Honey...I'm Home!
Yup...I am HOME people! I have a home...and I love my little home. No...I did not buy a house...I am currently renting a little townhome. However, if you have followed my blogs...you would know what I am talking about when I say I am home.
The more I decorate...the more it feels like home. My special touches...on my special place. I love that. There's nothing better than knowing you don't have to move...until you WANT to. There have been so many places I have moved to...that I didn't want to move to...and some that I have moved out of...that I didn't want to move out of. This time...I'm staying put. I am not going ANYWHERE for at LEAST four years. I always thought I wanted to buy a home...but right now, I really just want to travel. The home can wait. So unless God has some trick up his sleeve...like a husband or something...I vow not to move until 2016 or later.
That's all I got today. I woke up feeling so blessed and happy...in my home...that I just had to share. Gotta get ready for church...Enjoy your days!
The more I decorate...the more it feels like home. My special touches...on my special place. I love that. There's nothing better than knowing you don't have to move...until you WANT to. There have been so many places I have moved to...that I didn't want to move to...and some that I have moved out of...that I didn't want to move out of. This time...I'm staying put. I am not going ANYWHERE for at LEAST four years. I always thought I wanted to buy a home...but right now, I really just want to travel. The home can wait. So unless God has some trick up his sleeve...like a husband or something...I vow not to move until 2016 or later.
That's all I got today. I woke up feeling so blessed and happy...in my home...that I just had to share. Gotta get ready for church...Enjoy your days!
His Daughter
I am his daughter. You may think I am speaking about God...I am His daughter...but I am talking about another Ronnie. I am Ronnie Martin's daughter and I am very proud to say that.
You don't realize how much of your parents you really are...until you grow up and become an adult/parent. I am a lot like my mom AND my dad. My mom gave me the stubbornness that I have...the part of me that says, "If you ain't gonna help me...I don't care because me and God will do it without you anyway." The part of me that says, "I don't need to seek revenge because God will take care of it while I keep on movin." The part of me that learns as much as I can and is determined to get it right...comes from my mom. Being talented in many different things...comes from my mom.
So why did I title this "His daughter"? Because I was sitting here thinking about men. I just told someone today that I know I am going to end up with a man that is right for me. I know what that man is going to be like...because of my father.
My dad gave me patience. My dad won't rush into ANYTHING...until he has prayed about it..and is 100% sure he wants to do it. He doesn't rush to get anywhere...and if something happens to mess up his plans...that's okay, because it will be okay. The part of me that says, "Calm down, it's not the end of the world" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "I will listen to you...but that doesn't mean I'm going to agree" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "If you're going to do it, be good at it. Don't settle for mediocrity," comes from my dad.
My dad never really talked to me about boys/men. All he ever said when I was younger was, "You don't need no boys calling here or coming over. You're not allowed to date." When I was a teenager, it was, "God intended sex for marriage." Although my dad never TALKED to me about boys...he did a really good job SHOWING me what to look for. I didn't realize this of course, until after I got married and after I filed the divorce papers. I realize that a lot of the things I want from a man...I got from being his daughter...my dad's daughter.
The only real necklaces that I owned came from my father...and I had one from the ex-husband. They were real gold, and some had real diamonds/sapphires. I like musicals...and would sit up several late nights watching musicals with my father...especially "Singin' in the Rain." My dad took me to most of my practices...basketball, gymnastics, piano...etc. so we spent a lot of time in the car together. He rarely had the radio on...and if he did...it was a preacher preaching on the radio. My dad is a man of few words...but when he speaks (or is angry) we know to listen...or to stay away lol. My dad never used curse words...at least not around me. I remember the first time I heard him say, "CRAP!" I was in total shock!! I went home and told my mom! I couldn't believe it! My dad was human! I had no idea...but that was a really cool moment to know my dad makes mistakes too. I remember one valentines day...my dad took me and my mom to a play at Stockton State College...then to a really fancy dinner. My dad had his ways of making me feel special. I remember I had a gymnastics exhibition at some kind of fair...but I felt ashamed in my leotard because I was so much bigger than the other girls. It was summer time and we weren't allowed to wear shorts with the leotard like we did at practice. When we got to the exhibition and I saw my group in the leotards, I didn't want to go over there and do it. I told my dad, "I don't want to do it anymore." I think he saw my insecurity, and said, "Okay." and we walked around and enjoyed the fair. He never questioned me why I didn't want to do it, and he didn't force me to do it either. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My father never made me feel ashamed of who I was, what I liked or how I looked like.
And as I sit here and think about the men I have let into my life...I can't say those things about them. I'm not trying to bash them...or say they are bad people. I don't even want to talk about them. I just know how I felt...as that awkward girl growing up, bigger than her friends, not the most popular, very very shy...in hindsight...pretty nerdy. But I was cool to my dad. If he thought my hair looked a mess...he would send me to the hairdresser. If I needed new clothes...he would give me the money to go shopping. If there was a need...he provided and never questioned me about it or made me feel bad about my needs.
Today I am a firefighter. I am able to do my job...and remain ladylike while doing it...because of my dad. I'm sure people wonder about why I style my hair for work, knowing I'm going to put a helmet on or get dirty...but my dad told me a long time ago..in so many words, "Just because you're around a bunch of men...or other girls choose to look masculine...do your hair anyway. You're a woman."
I know this is long...you may not even have read down this far. I just have a lot to thank my parents for. Both my mom and my dad. I don't know where I'd be, or what I would be like, without them both in my life. I may not have a man in my life today...but because of my mother in me...that's okay. God will provide when the time is right. Because I grew up with a great father as an example..I have not settled for less than I am worth and I will be patient until that time comes. When that time does come...I hope my man has some of the qualities of my father...and can be the part of a man for me that my father is not able to fulfill.
You don't realize how much of your parents you really are...until you grow up and become an adult/parent. I am a lot like my mom AND my dad. My mom gave me the stubbornness that I have...the part of me that says, "If you ain't gonna help me...I don't care because me and God will do it without you anyway." The part of me that says, "I don't need to seek revenge because God will take care of it while I keep on movin." The part of me that learns as much as I can and is determined to get it right...comes from my mom. Being talented in many different things...comes from my mom.
So why did I title this "His daughter"? Because I was sitting here thinking about men. I just told someone today that I know I am going to end up with a man that is right for me. I know what that man is going to be like...because of my father.
My dad gave me patience. My dad won't rush into ANYTHING...until he has prayed about it..and is 100% sure he wants to do it. He doesn't rush to get anywhere...and if something happens to mess up his plans...that's okay, because it will be okay. The part of me that says, "Calm down, it's not the end of the world" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "I will listen to you...but that doesn't mean I'm going to agree" comes from my dad. The part of me that says, "If you're going to do it, be good at it. Don't settle for mediocrity," comes from my dad.
My dad never really talked to me about boys/men. All he ever said when I was younger was, "You don't need no boys calling here or coming over. You're not allowed to date." When I was a teenager, it was, "God intended sex for marriage." Although my dad never TALKED to me about boys...he did a really good job SHOWING me what to look for. I didn't realize this of course, until after I got married and after I filed the divorce papers. I realize that a lot of the things I want from a man...I got from being his daughter...my dad's daughter.
The only real necklaces that I owned came from my father...and I had one from the ex-husband. They were real gold, and some had real diamonds/sapphires. I like musicals...and would sit up several late nights watching musicals with my father...especially "Singin' in the Rain." My dad took me to most of my practices...basketball, gymnastics, piano...etc. so we spent a lot of time in the car together. He rarely had the radio on...and if he did...it was a preacher preaching on the radio. My dad is a man of few words...but when he speaks (or is angry) we know to listen...or to stay away lol. My dad never used curse words...at least not around me. I remember the first time I heard him say, "CRAP!" I was in total shock!! I went home and told my mom! I couldn't believe it! My dad was human! I had no idea...but that was a really cool moment to know my dad makes mistakes too. I remember one valentines day...my dad took me and my mom to a play at Stockton State College...then to a really fancy dinner. My dad had his ways of making me feel special. I remember I had a gymnastics exhibition at some kind of fair...but I felt ashamed in my leotard because I was so much bigger than the other girls. It was summer time and we weren't allowed to wear shorts with the leotard like we did at practice. When we got to the exhibition and I saw my group in the leotards, I didn't want to go over there and do it. I told my dad, "I don't want to do it anymore." I think he saw my insecurity, and said, "Okay." and we walked around and enjoyed the fair. He never questioned me why I didn't want to do it, and he didn't force me to do it either. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My father never made me feel ashamed of who I was, what I liked or how I looked like.
And as I sit here and think about the men I have let into my life...I can't say those things about them. I'm not trying to bash them...or say they are bad people. I don't even want to talk about them. I just know how I felt...as that awkward girl growing up, bigger than her friends, not the most popular, very very shy...in hindsight...pretty nerdy. But I was cool to my dad. If he thought my hair looked a mess...he would send me to the hairdresser. If I needed new clothes...he would give me the money to go shopping. If there was a need...he provided and never questioned me about it or made me feel bad about my needs.
Today I am a firefighter. I am able to do my job...and remain ladylike while doing it...because of my dad. I'm sure people wonder about why I style my hair for work, knowing I'm going to put a helmet on or get dirty...but my dad told me a long time ago..in so many words, "Just because you're around a bunch of men...or other girls choose to look masculine...do your hair anyway. You're a woman."
I know this is long...you may not even have read down this far. I just have a lot to thank my parents for. Both my mom and my dad. I don't know where I'd be, or what I would be like, without them both in my life. I may not have a man in my life today...but because of my mother in me...that's okay. God will provide when the time is right. Because I grew up with a great father as an example..I have not settled for less than I am worth and I will be patient until that time comes. When that time does come...I hope my man has some of the qualities of my father...and can be the part of a man for me that my father is not able to fulfill.
Toilet paper...over or under?
How you hang your toilet paper has become a nationwide question. Oprah herself...discussed on her talk show which way the toilet paper should hang. If Oprah talked about it...it MUST mean SOMETHING!
I think toilet paper should hang over top. That way it doesn't rub against the wall...you can see the end and not have to feel underneath for it...and it just LOOKS better! DUHHHHH!
So how does YOUR toilet paper hang? What does that say about you???? go to this link and find out:
http://laughingsquid.com/what-your-toilet-paper-says-about-you/
Okay...I am the first pic...so now that you've seen what it says about YOU...do you agree? I do. Especially about the last two ways...the one with the damn roll sitting on top of the empty one...and both rolls empty. I see the last two A LOT at my job. And YES it's from the damn men in my firehouse! lol I constantly replace empty rolls on my shift...or put the new roll on the holder instead of it sitting on top of the empty roll. And yes...when both are empty...I hate you. Yup. I do. Because one of these days...I'm really gonna have to pee...run into the stall...pee...and look up to see two empty muthafuckas on that bar and I'ma be pissed!
My Love (or former love...his new name has yet to be established yet cause there's still love there) but anyway...he has a hard time remembering to put the damn roll on too. Which I think is crazy cause this negra has OCD^2...but for some reason does not find it as important to put the freakin roll on the bar. I don't understand.
Food for thought. I am procrastinating writing a paper...gnite!
I think toilet paper should hang over top. That way it doesn't rub against the wall...you can see the end and not have to feel underneath for it...and it just LOOKS better! DUHHHHH!
So how does YOUR toilet paper hang? What does that say about you???? go to this link and find out:
http://laughingsquid.com/what-your-toilet-paper-says-about-you/
Okay...I am the first pic...so now that you've seen what it says about YOU...do you agree? I do. Especially about the last two ways...the one with the damn roll sitting on top of the empty one...and both rolls empty. I see the last two A LOT at my job. And YES it's from the damn men in my firehouse! lol I constantly replace empty rolls on my shift...or put the new roll on the holder instead of it sitting on top of the empty roll. And yes...when both are empty...I hate you. Yup. I do. Because one of these days...I'm really gonna have to pee...run into the stall...pee...and look up to see two empty muthafuckas on that bar and I'ma be pissed!
My Love (or former love...his new name has yet to be established yet cause there's still love there) but anyway...he has a hard time remembering to put the damn roll on too. Which I think is crazy cause this negra has OCD^2...but for some reason does not find it as important to put the freakin roll on the bar. I don't understand.
Food for thought. I am procrastinating writing a paper...gnite!
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