Divorce Remorse

About two or three weeks ago, my divorce was paid in full. Keep in mind, we have been separated for almost 4 years. I have not lived with my ex in four years...have not slept with him in four years...the relationship has been done...for almost four years.

I made the payment, went home and cried. The way I felt...I NEVER expected. Hit me...straight from the blind side. I was so confused and sad. Did I make a mistake? Maybe we could make it work...maybe he should move back in tomorrow and we'll fix it. What if... maybe... maybe... but... but... but... I just prayed. What was wrong with me? I prayed to God and asked why I felt that way. I was supposed to be happy and planning my divorce party...right????

So a good friend of mine called in the midst of my breakdown. I tried to clear myself up and talk like nothing happened. You know..."Hey, what's up? Nothing much...ran some errands...watching TV." Then out of nowhere I blurt out, "I think I have divorce remorse. Is there a such thing? Is that normal?" Thank God for my friends. I really have the best. She calmly explains to me that I have every right to be upset...I was ending a very important part of my life...it's like a death..." While she's explaining...tears just streamed down my face. I know the marriage is over. I don't truly believe it will ever work.

I've never experienced the death of anyone close to me. So I think she was right. It was like something died. I felt like a failure. You know...if someone you know dies...you wrack through your brain the many different ways you should've helped...or what you failed at doing...what you should've said...what you never said. I sit here every day wracking my brain what I could have done different...even though I know nothing would have made it better. I tried. I tried everything I knew of...heard of...read of. I tried. I really tried. But I knew it wouldn't be right to stay.


So...for the longest time I felt like a failure. I'm not sure if you know who I am...I am Ronny...Ronny never gives up...Ronny gets what she wants...Ronny works her ass off to make things right, to fix things, to be successful...God blesses me all the time...I pray...I do what I have to do...and BOOM...by the grace of God...it's there. Ronny is not a failure by any means. Yet she failed at marriage.

You know what keeps sticking out in my head right now...a really close friend of mine, someone I love dearly...always said to me, "You're so hard." Mmmm.. I guess. So hard, yet so fragile. I feel like glass...looks tough...feels tough...but with the right strike, it shatters to a million pieces. I feel shattered tonight. Yesterday my glass was shattered, by another person who is just like glass; so tough, yet so fragile.

I'm rambling right now, in case you haven't noticed... You ever heard the saying "Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie." So many people think lying is okay if you're sparing another person's feelings. That's NOT true. It never makes it better. Lying never makes it better. If you ever have the pleasure of becoming my friend...take comfort in knowing I will always speak to you truthfully. Lies destroy. Truth may hurt...but it heals and makes you stronger. Don't you know that when you build up your muscle, you're really tearing it apart...leaving it alone...and allowing it to heal so it comes back stronger. Then you rip it apart again...and it makes it stronger. Once you've reached your goal...that muscle has memory...and the next time you want to build it up, it doesn't take as long as the first time. Truth may hurt...shred you to pieces...shatter you like glass...but if you keep using the truth...you build memory...and in the future it doesn't hurt so bad...or take as long to heal. That's what makes relationships stronger. Truth. Not lies. Lies are a false sense of protection. It's only a matter of time before the lie fails...and it usually fails at the time you need the truth the most.

The day you needed to be held...loved...and laughed with...is the day the lie fails and you find out he/she has been doing those things with someone else. The day your kid gets excited because their deadbeat mom/dad said they were coming to pick them up because they know their kid wants nothing else than to see them...but the lie fails when they never show up. When you signed the mortgage thinking you were set for the next 30 years...and the lie failed when your house is foreclosed within two years and you've lost your down payment and closing fees because the company was a sham.

Lies broke our marriage. Both of us lied...he told me things that weren't true. He lied. Sometimes I said "It's okay" when I knew I wasn't really okay with it. I lied. The lies built up before our relationship even had a chance of gaining strength. Didn't take much to break it.

Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.

I made it a point to never lie about how I feel again. To be open and honest with communication. That's great...but what if your S/O doesn't take the same vow? You find yourself questioning if you should have really told the truth...because the truth is why you lost him/her...right? Or is it because of the lie? That's when it hurts the most too... because you love so hard that you want to lie just to make everything better because if you tell the truth...it might end. No. A relationship with lies will always end one way or another. You can only get stronger through truth. Truth prevails...lies fail.

Lies don't come from a place of love. Only truth does.

Side-tracked...I know. These are the thoughts I have...my mind...always running.