Do what?!

"We should go out sometime." "I'd love to!"....NOT. This happens to me a lot. I swear there is something wrong with me. I get asked to hang out by the opposite sex...I would say at LEAST once a week. Group setting...cool. I'm there. Do what?! Go by myself? Just me and you? I'd LOVE to...but I highly doubt it will happen.

I always wonder if something happened to me a long time ago...which is the reason why I am so uncomfortable when I am alone with a man. I hate dating. I really do. If you want me to be at my most uncomfortable state...tell me you set me up on a date and there's going to be nobody there but me and him. I'll probably shit in my pants...and use that as an excuse to politely decline.

I remember when I was in high school...one of the guys at my job asked me out. I said okay...because I really liked him and thought he was a cool person. However, as the date came closer and closer and closer...I freaked. Made up some excuse why I couldn't go and never went. The thought of being alone with him made me sick, scared and nauseous. Had nothing to do with the guy...just the fear of being by myself with him.

So...I'm sure you're wondering how I dated...or got a boyfriend. Double dated until I got comfortable enough with the person...to be alone with them. Once I passed that sickening, nervous phase...I was okay. I have to be sure I can trust you...before I can be alone with you.

I'm that girl that if I go on a date with a stranger at...let's say a restaurant..I am looking for the nearest exit, making sure people are around me, making sure I have my phone on me...all while I am praying to God saying, "What am I doing...what am I doing...what am I doing". Crazy right???? I know.

If you're a man...and I'm not looking for an exit when I'm with you..then you are something special. But if I leave...and take a deep sigh of relief and say, "Thank you God...I am still breathing" mmmmm we have a problem.

It takes forever and a day for me to get comfortable with someone. I have no idea why. I truly move at a snails pace when it come to relationships. That sometimes hurt me...because the other person lost interest before I could truly be warmed up. But I mean...I don't know how to move any faster.
Men make me nervous. Really, really nervous. Why? I have no idea.

Why am I blogging about this?? I'm newly divorced. So...when you get divorced...you start dating again right? I say to myself..."I'm going to start dating and meet lots of new people and go to a lot of new places." That's what I SAY. Will I do it???? Helllllllllllll naw!! At least not yet. The thought of dating freaks me out...I mean COMPLETELY out! What if he's a serial killer? Or sniffs his armpits for fun? Or is 20 years older than me...or 10 years younger? OMG can we say overwhelmed at a HYPOTHETICAL situation? I went to lunch with a...I guess you can call him a friend...he's a nice man. He was saying all the right things... you know... I guess what girls want to hear (e.g. you're so beautiful, so glad I can have lunch with you, I just want to show you love...be a good friend to you, etc.) But the whole time I was there...I thought I was going to vomit and couldn't wait to go back home. That's so wrong right??? Had nothing to do with him...but there's obviously something wrong with me.

So what am I going to do? Pray that God has someone who I can be comfortable with...or who is patient enough to wait the eternity for me to warm up and trust them. As far as the dating...yea...not a priority, but I'm going to try. Never hurts to try right? I will definitely keep you posted though...ya neva know. I'm out..1.