I believe a person is a person and will always be that person...unless something happens or that person desires to be someone different. So basically, if a person doesn't feel anything is wrong with them and being who they are doesn't affect their life negatively, they're never going to change.
I believe men change twice in their life; puberty and around 40 when they become men. Now don't get me wrong, some men only change at puberty and live like teenagers throughout their whole life. My uncle is that guy lol He lives his life like he's 20 when he's really 50 something. Even though he screws a lot of women, literally and figuratively, he's happy. He's living his life and he feels there is nothing wrong with the way he lives it, because he is happy.
Women change a LOT. Not necessarily their personality, but just the way we view things, the way we act and the way we dress. Much of our change is due to hormones. When we get our period, have kids, get a man, and go through menopause. All that stuff affects our hormones...not to mention the amount of activity we engage in every day, running around the kids, taking care of the man, taking care of ourselves, going to work, taking care of the home etc. that takes a toll on our hormones.
I know I have changed, mainly because of my circumstances. Financial hardships can really change your view of life and how you operate, and now that I don't have financial hardships, instead I have healthy challenges. I changed a lot during my marriage. My marriage was a rude awakening because I stopped being an athlete, became a wife and mother all within a matter of months. It sounds corny because we hear it so much on TV, but I really lost myself. I didn't know WHO I was, what I wanted, what I needed and what I had and didn't have, but yet I had a husband and son.
I don't regret anything I've done or gone through, because I really believe it's made me a much stronger person, and I know what I want and need because of it. But I will be the first to admit, I have changed. I am not the same person I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago and so on. I am a better person. My goals are still the same, but how I go about them is different. My personality is the same, I don't like to lie, I'm blunt, I still have an IDGF attitude if I don't care for you and your opinion, and I'm going to work hard at whatever I do because I want it to be as close to perfection as I can get it. At the same time, I'm still going to love hard (and probably get hurt hard until I find the right one to love) because I believe in go for it all or don't go at all.
Anyway, my point is...the only person you can change is yourself. If you're not happy with your circumstances, you have to make a change. You can't spend your life wanting and hoping for someone else to be different...they could be doing the same thing about you and THEN where do you get? Nowhere. What's that saying, "If you do the same thing over and over again, you will get the same result over and over again." Something like that...that's also a saying about ignorance; doing the same thing and expecting something different. Okay, enough cliches...take from this what you will.
Ma'Ma
You only have one mom. I know...there's step-mom's, adoptive mom's, lesbian moms...but you only came out of one vagina...and that vagina belonged to your mom. Love her, hate her...regardless, she brought you into this world.
My oldest child was a surprise, but not really. We knew what we were doing and was aware of the risk. I was waiting for my period to come so I could start my birth control...however, it never came. We were happy to find out I was pregnant. Abortion was never an option for me, I just don't believe in it; for myself. My son was my buddy for a hot while. I would have never imagined when he was one years old that he would be my best friend...my only friend...to talk to. Sounds crazy right? But that's how it was. Living in Hawaii...a place supposed to be considered paradise...was my living hell. The first year I lived in Hawaii was hell. My son's father "worked" all day every day, and me and my son stayed home and chilled together all day... every day.
I'm not sure if all that time we spent together was a good thing, or a bad thing. My oldest son has a LOT of my personality. In other words...we CLASH. Big time. Growing up, I never really talked to my mom. I was always by her side, attached to her hip when I was little...but as I got older, we never agreed on clothes, style, anything. I always fought with my mom, but could chill with my dad. I was never really close to her like my sister is. My sister talks to my mom at least three times a day, every day. I call her maybe once or twice a week.
My oldest son will not talk to me. If he does, it's after a LOT of attitude, anger, hostility, you name it. There might as well be an explosion before I get down to the root of the problem of my sons issues. He never really tells me the ultimate issue, but I can get the jist. I'm his mom.
My son is mad at me. He's mad at me for not being with his dad anymore. He's mad at me for moving so much. He's mad at me for changing schools so many times. He's mad at me for everything. I get it. I try my best to handle it. But I will admit that it does hurt. I know I will never make him truly happy because all he wants is for me to get back with his dad and for us to be a family again.
My son saw a lot. He's seen me cry more than any kid should ever have seen. He's seen me angry, happy, frustrated...he's witnessed it all; and internalized it. UGH! Yea...so I can't write about it anymore...not the right time. Sorry.
My oldest child was a surprise, but not really. We knew what we were doing and was aware of the risk. I was waiting for my period to come so I could start my birth control...however, it never came. We were happy to find out I was pregnant. Abortion was never an option for me, I just don't believe in it; for myself. My son was my buddy for a hot while. I would have never imagined when he was one years old that he would be my best friend...my only friend...to talk to. Sounds crazy right? But that's how it was. Living in Hawaii...a place supposed to be considered paradise...was my living hell. The first year I lived in Hawaii was hell. My son's father "worked" all day every day, and me and my son stayed home and chilled together all day... every day.
I'm not sure if all that time we spent together was a good thing, or a bad thing. My oldest son has a LOT of my personality. In other words...we CLASH. Big time. Growing up, I never really talked to my mom. I was always by her side, attached to her hip when I was little...but as I got older, we never agreed on clothes, style, anything. I always fought with my mom, but could chill with my dad. I was never really close to her like my sister is. My sister talks to my mom at least three times a day, every day. I call her maybe once or twice a week.
My oldest son will not talk to me. If he does, it's after a LOT of attitude, anger, hostility, you name it. There might as well be an explosion before I get down to the root of the problem of my sons issues. He never really tells me the ultimate issue, but I can get the jist. I'm his mom.
My son is mad at me. He's mad at me for not being with his dad anymore. He's mad at me for moving so much. He's mad at me for changing schools so many times. He's mad at me for everything. I get it. I try my best to handle it. But I will admit that it does hurt. I know I will never make him truly happy because all he wants is for me to get back with his dad and for us to be a family again.
My son saw a lot. He's seen me cry more than any kid should ever have seen. He's seen me angry, happy, frustrated...he's witnessed it all; and internalized it. UGH! Yea...so I can't write about it anymore...not the right time. Sorry.
Making History
Remember when Venus and Serena Williams rocked the tennis world? I remember watching so many tennis matches just because they were playing. I even tried to play the game...to no avail lol. The power and energy they showed on the courts every time they played was magnetic...drawing you into the TV for every serve. I remember when I worked at a gym about two years ago, my boss would let us change the channel in the office to their matches.
Remember Miss America? Miss America started in Atlantic City...5 min from my hometown...so it was always a big deal in South Jersey. I remember when the ladies would be gracing the boardwalk the week of the pageant, Donald Trump would be involved, the newspapers would be full of pictures and information leading up to the big day. We all know that Vanessa Williams was the first black Miss America, but I was only four at the time and had no idea of what was going on. What I do remember, is when there was another black Miss America crowned, not one, but two years in a row! That was insane! I think that was usually the only thing that kept us watching that pageant every year; just to see if a black girl won.
Where am I going with this? In the black community, or any minority community, it is a big deal when we succeed. I grew up in a predominately white area. I remember going to elementary school every year, coming home, and saying, "Mom, I'm the only black one in my class AGAIN." I just wanted ONE person to be in class that looked like me, but more importantly, had HAIR like me! I never understood why I could not wear my hair out and had to have a thousand plats or cornrolls in my hair. I was never surrounded by girls like me until I got to junior high, high school and college; unless we were at family gatherings or in Atlantic City or Pleasantville.
Even though I was the only black girl in a LOT of things growing up, it never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was a cheerleader, the ONLY black cheerleader on the squad every year except one. I played basketball...the only black player on the team EVERY year and I played up to the 8th grade. I did gymnastics...my coach was black, so that was cool, but again I was the only one on my team. Soccer...the only one. Softball...same thing...youth group...same thing...
As you can see, being the only black girl and sometimes the only black person period, is nothing new to me. I do not feel my color defines who I am, but it definitely affects things that happen in my life and contributed to how my personality has developed. But to get to the point, I am about to be the first black female in an entire fire department. I sit back and think about it, and it just seems so surreal. Really? Why? Did no other black woman apply? or if they did...why didn't they make it? Was it because of racism or did they not qualify? But what I have learned, it does not matter why. I am it...her...the one to be granted this opportunity and to make history. I don't know what to say...but I'm ready and well prepared. All my steps in life...have been ordered for this position.
When I was looking for a babysitter after I got accepted into the academy, I met a black woman that told me she always wanted to be a firefighter. She said she took the test and missed it by one point, and never tried again. She was so excited as I told her I made it into the academy. I remember that moment like it just happened. I then went on to meet a retired black firefighter who told me a story of a black woman that applied several times, but was just never chosen to reach the interview stage. Hearing these stories makes my position feel more special...more necessary. Those two women need to see someone make it...and I want to make it just as much for them as for me. It was never a big deal to me to be the only black girl. However, in my young age and naiveness, it was always a big deal and I just never realized it until this year. I personally have always believed girls can play any sport such as football, be iron workers, police officers, CEO's, whatever they want to be. But it's different HEARING it, compared to seeing it or doing it.
How many little black girls are now playing tennis because of Venus and Serena? How many black women are in pageants after seeing Vanessa Williams? How many little black girls signed up for gymnastics after watching Domonique Dawes? The list goes on and on...
How many black girls are going to try out for the fire department just because they saw me make it? I have no idea, but if I can inspire just ONE black girl to apply, or realize they can do any profession they want, then my goal will be fulfilled. My prayer is not to retire "alone"...and so far God has answered all my prayers.
Remember Miss America? Miss America started in Atlantic City...5 min from my hometown...so it was always a big deal in South Jersey. I remember when the ladies would be gracing the boardwalk the week of the pageant, Donald Trump would be involved, the newspapers would be full of pictures and information leading up to the big day. We all know that Vanessa Williams was the first black Miss America, but I was only four at the time and had no idea of what was going on. What I do remember, is when there was another black Miss America crowned, not one, but two years in a row! That was insane! I think that was usually the only thing that kept us watching that pageant every year; just to see if a black girl won.
Where am I going with this? In the black community, or any minority community, it is a big deal when we succeed. I grew up in a predominately white area. I remember going to elementary school every year, coming home, and saying, "Mom, I'm the only black one in my class AGAIN." I just wanted ONE person to be in class that looked like me, but more importantly, had HAIR like me! I never understood why I could not wear my hair out and had to have a thousand plats or cornrolls in my hair. I was never surrounded by girls like me until I got to junior high, high school and college; unless we were at family gatherings or in Atlantic City or Pleasantville.
Even though I was the only black girl in a LOT of things growing up, it never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was a cheerleader, the ONLY black cheerleader on the squad every year except one. I played basketball...the only black player on the team EVERY year and I played up to the 8th grade. I did gymnastics...my coach was black, so that was cool, but again I was the only one on my team. Soccer...the only one. Softball...same thing...youth group...same thing...
As you can see, being the only black girl and sometimes the only black person period, is nothing new to me. I do not feel my color defines who I am, but it definitely affects things that happen in my life and contributed to how my personality has developed. But to get to the point, I am about to be the first black female in an entire fire department. I sit back and think about it, and it just seems so surreal. Really? Why? Did no other black woman apply? or if they did...why didn't they make it? Was it because of racism or did they not qualify? But what I have learned, it does not matter why. I am it...her...the one to be granted this opportunity and to make history. I don't know what to say...but I'm ready and well prepared. All my steps in life...have been ordered for this position.
When I was looking for a babysitter after I got accepted into the academy, I met a black woman that told me she always wanted to be a firefighter. She said she took the test and missed it by one point, and never tried again. She was so excited as I told her I made it into the academy. I remember that moment like it just happened. I then went on to meet a retired black firefighter who told me a story of a black woman that applied several times, but was just never chosen to reach the interview stage. Hearing these stories makes my position feel more special...more necessary. Those two women need to see someone make it...and I want to make it just as much for them as for me. It was never a big deal to me to be the only black girl. However, in my young age and naiveness, it was always a big deal and I just never realized it until this year. I personally have always believed girls can play any sport such as football, be iron workers, police officers, CEO's, whatever they want to be. But it's different HEARING it, compared to seeing it or doing it.
How many little black girls are now playing tennis because of Venus and Serena? How many black women are in pageants after seeing Vanessa Williams? How many little black girls signed up for gymnastics after watching Domonique Dawes? The list goes on and on...
How many black girls are going to try out for the fire department just because they saw me make it? I have no idea, but if I can inspire just ONE black girl to apply, or realize they can do any profession they want, then my goal will be fulfilled. My prayer is not to retire "alone"...and so far God has answered all my prayers.
Bored.
It's so easy to talk about all the bad things that go on in my life...or how I've just come out of a bad situation or something...or about love and how I sometimes don't get it or when I do get and it and am loving it...or not loving it...You know...juicy news is gossipy type news right? I don't have any juicy news today, but I just felt like writing. I'm sure I'll think of something as I type.
Life is good. Nothing is happening the way I expected it to happen...but it's not a bad thing. My kids are getting on my nerves at this very moment. They are both lacking an "inside" voice and it's giving me a headache. My child has these toys called beyblades...noisy and irritating. However, its making him happy until my little one interrupts his games and cracks up laughing...lol I shouldn't be laughing too, but its so funny to watch him giggle. Well...i guess he got tired of getting interrupted and now he is writing like me :) ..and my little one is drawing pictures (still lacking the inside voice). I was just told, "Mommy if you bury yourself, you'll become a sandman." lol love my babies.
Karate Kid with Jaden Smith is on my TV. It stays in the DVD player EVERY day and we watch this movie EVERY day. Why? Cable in the house, but not in my room. Can't remember the last time I really watched TV. I'm more of a radio/music girl. Can listen to the radio all day long, but maybe watch an hour of TV. My kids are the same...they rarely watch TV but will keep active in other ways. It's a blessing and a curse...the days you want them to sit still and watch TV they want to run and act crazy. Oh well...I'll take running and crazy over being couch potatoes any day.
I have nothing important to talk about. My Love is on his way over to stop by and give me a kiss :) I look like shit because i took my hair out of the ponytail. Will i fix it before he gets here...nope. Why? Don't feel like it.
It's past my kids bedtime...they are stalling...need water...has to poop...needs to put on deodorant...forgot to put a book away...forgot to tell me something, a thousand things. Well...I must go. Being in their room on my computer is keeping them awake. Plus I have to go outside to get my kiss...which may cause us to end up inside *wink wink* lol Goodnight!
Life is good. Nothing is happening the way I expected it to happen...but it's not a bad thing. My kids are getting on my nerves at this very moment. They are both lacking an "inside" voice and it's giving me a headache. My child has these toys called beyblades...noisy and irritating. However, its making him happy until my little one interrupts his games and cracks up laughing...lol I shouldn't be laughing too, but its so funny to watch him giggle. Well...i guess he got tired of getting interrupted and now he is writing like me :) ..and my little one is drawing pictures (still lacking the inside voice). I was just told, "Mommy if you bury yourself, you'll become a sandman." lol love my babies.
Karate Kid with Jaden Smith is on my TV. It stays in the DVD player EVERY day and we watch this movie EVERY day. Why? Cable in the house, but not in my room. Can't remember the last time I really watched TV. I'm more of a radio/music girl. Can listen to the radio all day long, but maybe watch an hour of TV. My kids are the same...they rarely watch TV but will keep active in other ways. It's a blessing and a curse...the days you want them to sit still and watch TV they want to run and act crazy. Oh well...I'll take running and crazy over being couch potatoes any day.
I have nothing important to talk about. My Love is on his way over to stop by and give me a kiss :) I look like shit because i took my hair out of the ponytail. Will i fix it before he gets here...nope. Why? Don't feel like it.
It's past my kids bedtime...they are stalling...need water...has to poop...needs to put on deodorant...forgot to put a book away...forgot to tell me something, a thousand things. Well...I must go. Being in their room on my computer is keeping them awake. Plus I have to go outside to get my kiss...which may cause us to end up inside *wink wink* lol Goodnight!
Obama'tics
I am not one to dig too deep into politics, but I too can have my opinion. Last month I went to buy my parents birthday cards and I couldn't believe how many birthday cards they had that made fun of President Obama and his office. I understand not everyone is going to like the president or agree with him, but when did that give people the right to be disrespectful?
My personal thoughts on Obama is that too many people are expecting this man to fix decades of mistakes...in four years. I voted for Obama because he represented something different. His thought process was different, his ideas were different and I wanted to see a change in our leadership. I didn't expect him or anyone else that was running to be able to get the country out of debt in four years. However, I wanted to see somebody try something new...regardless if it failed or not.
Like I said, I know everyone is not going to like the president or agree with his plans. However, as an American, living in the United States, I think he deserves respect from us all. Change takes time and it also takes a combined effort from the president AND the people. If you disagree with what the president is doing...that's fine. What are YOU doing to try to help then? Picture yourself in a position of leadership...how would you want to be treated? What would you want/need from the people you are overseeing? Just a thought...take it as you like.
My personal thoughts on Obama is that too many people are expecting this man to fix decades of mistakes...in four years. I voted for Obama because he represented something different. His thought process was different, his ideas were different and I wanted to see a change in our leadership. I didn't expect him or anyone else that was running to be able to get the country out of debt in four years. However, I wanted to see somebody try something new...regardless if it failed or not.
Like I said, I know everyone is not going to like the president or agree with his plans. However, as an American, living in the United States, I think he deserves respect from us all. Change takes time and it also takes a combined effort from the president AND the people. If you disagree with what the president is doing...that's fine. What are YOU doing to try to help then? Picture yourself in a position of leadership...how would you want to be treated? What would you want/need from the people you are overseeing? Just a thought...take it as you like.
Life's Not Over Til You're Dead
I died today...in a scenario for work. It was an eye opener because I didn't do everything I could have done to stay alive. I went blank and forgot a lot of the tools I learned that could have saved my life. I managed to stay calm, but I neglected to move with purpose. The same goes for my life, I have managed to remain calm, I don't get angry at HALF the stuff I used to, and I want the small meaningful things in my life every day. I have a job that whenever I clock in for work, I may not come home again. I never thought of it like that.
I want to be surrounded by the people I love...everyday. I enjoy coloring/drawing with my kids, whereas before I would tell them to do it so they could leave me alone. I'm missing having a family. My home now is full of people, my roommates plus me and my kids, but there's nothing like coming home to your own home with your own family. Even though my marriage didn't work out, that is one thing I do miss...the days we came home and were together as a family. Sitting at the dinner table, watching movies, kids playing near by, house slightly messy, but we were together and happy. I'm missing those moments.
I am grateful for where I am today...very grateful. I couldn't be on a better path because I know I am on the right one. I just appreciate everything just a little bit more than I used to and gave up fighting over the nonsense. I would fight so hard for things and do things at the drop of a dime, just to keep myself moving. But what I am learning, especially after today, is to move with purpose, not just to keep moving. You can run around and be a busy-body all day, but if you're not going towards your purpose, your movements will not get you anywhere. That's not the way I want to die. I want to die knowing I have fulfilled my purpose and made meaningful movements in my and my kids life. I want to know I've done everything I could to meet my purpose. I have finally been able to live in a calm/peaceful manner, but I want to make sure every step I take from now on...has purpose in my life.
Rambling...i know. Again...why I blog.
I want to be surrounded by the people I love...everyday. I enjoy coloring/drawing with my kids, whereas before I would tell them to do it so they could leave me alone. I'm missing having a family. My home now is full of people, my roommates plus me and my kids, but there's nothing like coming home to your own home with your own family. Even though my marriage didn't work out, that is one thing I do miss...the days we came home and were together as a family. Sitting at the dinner table, watching movies, kids playing near by, house slightly messy, but we were together and happy. I'm missing those moments.
I am grateful for where I am today...very grateful. I couldn't be on a better path because I know I am on the right one. I just appreciate everything just a little bit more than I used to and gave up fighting over the nonsense. I would fight so hard for things and do things at the drop of a dime, just to keep myself moving. But what I am learning, especially after today, is to move with purpose, not just to keep moving. You can run around and be a busy-body all day, but if you're not going towards your purpose, your movements will not get you anywhere. That's not the way I want to die. I want to die knowing I have fulfilled my purpose and made meaningful movements in my and my kids life. I want to know I've done everything I could to meet my purpose. I have finally been able to live in a calm/peaceful manner, but I want to make sure every step I take from now on...has purpose in my life.
Rambling...i know. Again...why I blog.
One of....?? No. Only.
I don't know how to be "one of" someone's women. I see it everyday...some women can do it. I can't. I won't. If I can't be the only one...then I don't want to be with you at all. I've written on it before...but it keeps surfacing in my life on a daily basis. I know plenty of women that are okay with being the "main" chick, "side" chick, or "some" chick...in a man's life. I'm not knocking it, I understand many of the reasoning... I just don't prefer that for myself. Let me tell you... it gets REAL lonely REAL quick lol...just playin. But sometimes I really do wonder if the women that say they are okay...are really okay.
Why is that okay? What makes you okay with it?
I'm not okay with it, and I've been called jealous and insecure because of it. I'm not jealous...never been the jealous type. If I were jealous of another woman then that means I wish I were her, had what she had, does what she does or something right? Well, put it this way.. if i am the "other" woman, why would I be jealous of the "main" chick? He's not faithful to her either! What's so special about that?? I've been called insecure when I accused a man I was messing with, with messing with somebody else. How was I insecure? I have no idea...cause I was right. He was messing with somebody else. But I guess that makes me a jealous, insecure woman. So be it lol idgaf.
I'm selfish. I will definitely admit that and very territorial...what's mine is mine. I don't see anything wrong with that. If you're my man...you're just that...MY man. Duh. But when you bring ying, yang, yo and bee into the equation, I'd rather take myself out and be by myself. I'm not sharing and if that means I have to go... Cool. Somewhere there is a man that believes my philosophy. If not...oh well. God and my kids are always good enough :)
But because my mind never really stops at one answer...I also just figure fidelity just isn't a high priority for a lot of people. Money, materialistic things, secure/stable lifestyle, or just being comfortable and not wanting to rock the boat is sufficient enough to keep them happy; even if their honey dips out a couple times. That's cool...I get it. But like I said...it's just not me and most likely will never be.
Why is that okay? What makes you okay with it?
I'm not okay with it, and I've been called jealous and insecure because of it. I'm not jealous...never been the jealous type. If I were jealous of another woman then that means I wish I were her, had what she had, does what she does or something right? Well, put it this way.. if i am the "other" woman, why would I be jealous of the "main" chick? He's not faithful to her either! What's so special about that?? I've been called insecure when I accused a man I was messing with, with messing with somebody else. How was I insecure? I have no idea...cause I was right. He was messing with somebody else. But I guess that makes me a jealous, insecure woman. So be it lol idgaf.
I'm selfish. I will definitely admit that and very territorial...what's mine is mine. I don't see anything wrong with that. If you're my man...you're just that...MY man. Duh. But when you bring ying, yang, yo and bee into the equation, I'd rather take myself out and be by myself. I'm not sharing and if that means I have to go... Cool. Somewhere there is a man that believes my philosophy. If not...oh well. God and my kids are always good enough :)
But because my mind never really stops at one answer...I also just figure fidelity just isn't a high priority for a lot of people. Money, materialistic things, secure/stable lifestyle, or just being comfortable and not wanting to rock the boat is sufficient enough to keep them happy; even if their honey dips out a couple times. That's cool...I get it. But like I said...it's just not me and most likely will never be.
Wishy Washy
Ever been called wishy washy? I have. I take offense to that lol. I didn't know you're never allowed to change your mind. Who said you have to stick with one decision for the rest of your life? My choices are not like a marriage...I'm not signing a contract every time I decide what I want for dinner, wherever I want to go, or whoever I want to be with.
I am in a blogging mood...(i'm supposed to be writing a paper). But anyway...I was reading some of my older posts from this summer and realized...I changed my mind a lot when it came to "My Love" amongst other things. If I think that...i'm sure you've thought that too...if you read all my posts.
Here's what I have to say to that. THAT'S WHY I BLOG. My mind is ALWAYS going. There is rarely a moment when I'm not thinking about something. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I change my mind and sometimes I think, "What was I thinking?" But that's why I blog! My blogs are not some well thought out, revised papers that I took a lot of time thinking about before I post. I write, spell and grammar check just because that stuff really annoys me, but other than that...what you see is what you get. My true thoughts at that very moment in time. If you have an opinion of my blog...there's a reason why there's a "comment" box/link underneath it.
As for being called "wishy washy"...I consider myself an Einstein of thoughts, imagination and creativity :) I'm sure Einstein went back and forth with MANY different equations before he came up with e=mc2...think about it...
I am in a blogging mood...(i'm supposed to be writing a paper). But anyway...I was reading some of my older posts from this summer and realized...I changed my mind a lot when it came to "My Love" amongst other things. If I think that...i'm sure you've thought that too...if you read all my posts.
Here's what I have to say to that. THAT'S WHY I BLOG. My mind is ALWAYS going. There is rarely a moment when I'm not thinking about something. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I change my mind and sometimes I think, "What was I thinking?" But that's why I blog! My blogs are not some well thought out, revised papers that I took a lot of time thinking about before I post. I write, spell and grammar check just because that stuff really annoys me, but other than that...what you see is what you get. My true thoughts at that very moment in time. If you have an opinion of my blog...there's a reason why there's a "comment" box/link underneath it.
As for being called "wishy washy"...I consider myself an Einstein of thoughts, imagination and creativity :) I'm sure Einstein went back and forth with MANY different equations before he came up with e=mc2...think about it...
Love
Pastor spoke about Love Language today in church. Ironic because I have just recently learned my love language. I have also been deeply soul-searching about love, what it entails, if I could really do it...just what does it really mean to love; myself, my kids, family, a man, God.
I love God to no end. God is in me...He permeates through me. I do not exist without God. I love God by just being open to His love. God is different from man. He knows every ounce of my being, my thoughts, my motives, nothing I do will make his love go away. Because of that, I can't help but to love Him for me and all I have and for who He is.
I love myself. I do this by taking care of my mind, body and spirit. I love my kids by providing for them, talking with them, enjoying them, learning from them, listening, playing, disciplining and by being the best mom I can be. I love my family by praying for them, as I do not get to see them very often...calling them regularly to touch base, and by visiting to show my presence and that I care.
Those four types of love come very easily to me and very naturally. No matter what I do or what happens to me, I still love myself first. I will always love my kids because they are mine... a part of me and will always be. Same with my family.
The only love I used to struggle with was loving a man. I say "used to" because I believe I have learned how to love a man. A relationship with a man/woman is different from family and God. That person you choose to love is not naturally a part of you. Technically they are not a part of you until marriage; in God's eyes.
So how do you love a person that is not a part of you? Think of your friends. Your best friends, the tried and true ones that will stick with you through the end. What is it about them that makes you keep them around? Want them around? Need them around? Friends complete what you are not. Make sense? Family is connected by blood, traits, genes, cells. What connects you to your friends? It's like a puzzle. you cannot connect a puzzle piece unless there is a section cut out for the next piece to go in. Your friends have a section, whether big or small, that is cut out for you to fit in. Each friend brings a different aspect to your life that enhances your overall well-being.
Hopefully the man/woman you love is your friend first. The person has to have a piece missing for you to fit in, to connect and become one. Have you ever tried to fit the wrong puzzle piece into the wrong space? It may look like it was supposed to go there, but for some reason it just won't snap into place. It may not fit into that exact space but you know it is part of the puzzle.
That's how I feel about love. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Each person teaches you something whether you take notice to it or not. You don't make a mistake by loving someone. Love is never wrong, an accident, or a bad choice. You are never wrong for loving someone, regardless of who they are or what they did/do. God is love, love is of God. However, it is possible that your piece of love is trying to fit into the wrong hole in the puzzle. You may want to force it into that space, but God intended for that love to be put into another place; person. The puzzle is your life. Everyone you love, or who loves you, is a part of your life. You may not always end up with that specific person, but you were never wrong for loving them. Your love was never wasted, just left in the wrong space of the puzzle. There is also a possibility that your piece is supposed to be connected to the other piece, but you're jamming it into the wrong side of the piece. You two could be meant for each other, but you have yet to figure out how to get connected on the right sides. There are four sides to a puzzle piece. There are four sides to you: mental, physical, spiritual and emotional. You could have three sides connected but, still missing one. Love needs all four sides to be connected in order for a true, ever-lasting relationship to exist.
Thoughts from me...hope u can make some sense of what I call the matter that fills up the space in my head.
I love God to no end. God is in me...He permeates through me. I do not exist without God. I love God by just being open to His love. God is different from man. He knows every ounce of my being, my thoughts, my motives, nothing I do will make his love go away. Because of that, I can't help but to love Him for me and all I have and for who He is.
I love myself. I do this by taking care of my mind, body and spirit. I love my kids by providing for them, talking with them, enjoying them, learning from them, listening, playing, disciplining and by being the best mom I can be. I love my family by praying for them, as I do not get to see them very often...calling them regularly to touch base, and by visiting to show my presence and that I care.
Those four types of love come very easily to me and very naturally. No matter what I do or what happens to me, I still love myself first. I will always love my kids because they are mine... a part of me and will always be. Same with my family.
The only love I used to struggle with was loving a man. I say "used to" because I believe I have learned how to love a man. A relationship with a man/woman is different from family and God. That person you choose to love is not naturally a part of you. Technically they are not a part of you until marriage; in God's eyes.
So how do you love a person that is not a part of you? Think of your friends. Your best friends, the tried and true ones that will stick with you through the end. What is it about them that makes you keep them around? Want them around? Need them around? Friends complete what you are not. Make sense? Family is connected by blood, traits, genes, cells. What connects you to your friends? It's like a puzzle. you cannot connect a puzzle piece unless there is a section cut out for the next piece to go in. Your friends have a section, whether big or small, that is cut out for you to fit in. Each friend brings a different aspect to your life that enhances your overall well-being.
Hopefully the man/woman you love is your friend first. The person has to have a piece missing for you to fit in, to connect and become one. Have you ever tried to fit the wrong puzzle piece into the wrong space? It may look like it was supposed to go there, but for some reason it just won't snap into place. It may not fit into that exact space but you know it is part of the puzzle.
That's how I feel about love. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Each person teaches you something whether you take notice to it or not. You don't make a mistake by loving someone. Love is never wrong, an accident, or a bad choice. You are never wrong for loving someone, regardless of who they are or what they did/do. God is love, love is of God. However, it is possible that your piece of love is trying to fit into the wrong hole in the puzzle. You may want to force it into that space, but God intended for that love to be put into another place; person. The puzzle is your life. Everyone you love, or who loves you, is a part of your life. You may not always end up with that specific person, but you were never wrong for loving them. Your love was never wasted, just left in the wrong space of the puzzle. There is also a possibility that your piece is supposed to be connected to the other piece, but you're jamming it into the wrong side of the piece. You two could be meant for each other, but you have yet to figure out how to get connected on the right sides. There are four sides to a puzzle piece. There are four sides to you: mental, physical, spiritual and emotional. You could have three sides connected but, still missing one. Love needs all four sides to be connected in order for a true, ever-lasting relationship to exist.
Thoughts from me...hope u can make some sense of what I call the matter that fills up the space in my head.
Misunderstood
I feel like the teenager that tells their parents, "You just don't understand."
You don't understand. He doesn't understand. They don't understand. Nobody understands...me. Is that true? Well it really doesn't matter if it's fact or not...I still feel like that anyway...at this very moment.
I think I've explained before that I have a gift of writing...expressing thoughts through written word. Unfortunately my mouth and my mind get me in trouble. When I try to explain how I feel or what I am thinking it comes out awful. To try and ease my mind, I try to dig into other peoples minds. What I have learned from that...not everybody likes to dig into their own mind. They would rather just leave it alone.
I am an observer. I watch and listen to everything. You're every move...I'm watching. Your every word...I'm listening to. Sounds creepy I'm sure. But that's just how I learn...watching and observing before I actually participate. In most cases, it helps me out. At work, in school and with my kids it's very helpful. My kids love when i watch and listen to them...work it helps because it gives me an edge for advancement (they think i'm not paying attention and don't realize how much I know until we're tested or evaluated), and in school you can never fail by listening and observing; school IS learning.
Observing backfires when it comes to men. When you observe a man very closely you're going to learn all the wonderful things about him and all the negative things about him. Who really wants the bad stuff to be exposed? As humans, we can tend to run from ourselves. That's My Love's favorite line, "Im human Ronny." No shit shurlock. Men hate when you know something about them that they don't want to recognize in themselves.
Women on the other hand LOVE to be learned. There is no better feeling in the world than to know your man really knows you, understands you and accepts you for who you are. Now THAT's love...right?
My man says my mind will push niggas away. I believe that because it's pushing him away. Am I going to change who I am? Nope. I love myself the way I am...somebody out there will too. The way I see it, my mind will push the WRONG niggas away from me. I guess my man wants me to love him, but not really know him. Sorry My Love, that's just impossible. I know who you are already...and I make the choice to love you anyway. Unfortunately, that same respect is not being given in return. He says he loves me. How can you love someone but hate who they are? He just misunderstands me and unfortunately I can't make him pay attention and learn me. It has to be something he wants on his own. I guess he doesn't want it...me. Now that's upsetting... :(
You don't understand. He doesn't understand. They don't understand. Nobody understands...me. Is that true? Well it really doesn't matter if it's fact or not...I still feel like that anyway...at this very moment.
I think I've explained before that I have a gift of writing...expressing thoughts through written word. Unfortunately my mouth and my mind get me in trouble. When I try to explain how I feel or what I am thinking it comes out awful. To try and ease my mind, I try to dig into other peoples minds. What I have learned from that...not everybody likes to dig into their own mind. They would rather just leave it alone.
I am an observer. I watch and listen to everything. You're every move...I'm watching. Your every word...I'm listening to. Sounds creepy I'm sure. But that's just how I learn...watching and observing before I actually participate. In most cases, it helps me out. At work, in school and with my kids it's very helpful. My kids love when i watch and listen to them...work it helps because it gives me an edge for advancement (they think i'm not paying attention and don't realize how much I know until we're tested or evaluated), and in school you can never fail by listening and observing; school IS learning.
Observing backfires when it comes to men. When you observe a man very closely you're going to learn all the wonderful things about him and all the negative things about him. Who really wants the bad stuff to be exposed? As humans, we can tend to run from ourselves. That's My Love's favorite line, "Im human Ronny." No shit shurlock. Men hate when you know something about them that they don't want to recognize in themselves.
Women on the other hand LOVE to be learned. There is no better feeling in the world than to know your man really knows you, understands you and accepts you for who you are. Now THAT's love...right?
My man says my mind will push niggas away. I believe that because it's pushing him away. Am I going to change who I am? Nope. I love myself the way I am...somebody out there will too. The way I see it, my mind will push the WRONG niggas away from me. I guess my man wants me to love him, but not really know him. Sorry My Love, that's just impossible. I know who you are already...and I make the choice to love you anyway. Unfortunately, that same respect is not being given in return. He says he loves me. How can you love someone but hate who they are? He just misunderstands me and unfortunately I can't make him pay attention and learn me. It has to be something he wants on his own. I guess he doesn't want it...me. Now that's upsetting... :(
Listen
The best thing you can do when trying learn someone is listen. Shut up and listen. Believe it or not...that used to come so easily to me, but somewhere along the line it changed. I used to sit and listen to any and everyone, hardly saying a word. Until recently, I would cut off people as they spoke, ask a question in the middle of someone telling a story or something, or just not listen at all and pick up on a word or two.
Lately I've been trying to listen. You know how they say..."when somebody tells you who they are, they are usually telling the truth"...or something along those lines. Well, My Love was telling me something about himself yesterday...and about 24hrs later, I heard what he was saying. I was trying so hard to hear something else, believe something else, or put my impression of what he should be.. onto him. It took me some time obviously, but I heard him. I shut up and heard him. Now, does that mean I understand? Nope. I don't understand how he thinks like that and I may never understand. But at the same time, I know for sure he doesn't understand 99.9% of my thoughts and how they even get into my head. He just knows my mind is ticking...always. But anyway...I heard him. What's confusing is that I heard him, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
This relationship thing is new to me. Scary too. VERY scary sometimes. I don't like not knowing. I need to know...I want to know...when...how...why not...who...where. I've been calming that need down a lot though. Simply because I am trusting. Trusting in God and trusting my man. I can't tell you the last time I trusted a man. It was years ago, and short lived. I think the biggest test of my trust for My Love was just last week. He asked me to be patient and wait a couple days so he could show me a good time. I said OK...and did. It was worth the wait. I enjoyed myself, got to dress up for once, and just really enjoyed myself and my time with My Love.
I've learned a lot through my time off and on with My Love. There's a lot of things I could say what I could have done differently or handled differently, but that's just part of the process. It sucks...don't get me wrong. But everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. Everyone is brought into your life for a reason and with My Love, I am learning how to love without limitation. I don't worry about the reaction I'm going to get, if/how he's going to respond, or what so-and-so is going to think/say or if I am doing it wrong. I am loving as best as I can right now. I'm sure there's always room for improvement. But I am loving My Love...not trying to..but doing it.
Anyway...the point of this whole blog was listening. I am listening. More importantly I am not running away from what I hear. Some things My Love says about himself upsets me, I don't agree with some things and I just don't like hearing some things. But I still have to listen. I am loving him by listening and not running for the door every time he speaks. I want to hear the truth and nobody knows the truth about My Love better than him.
Lately I've been trying to listen. You know how they say..."when somebody tells you who they are, they are usually telling the truth"...or something along those lines. Well, My Love was telling me something about himself yesterday...and about 24hrs later, I heard what he was saying. I was trying so hard to hear something else, believe something else, or put my impression of what he should be.. onto him. It took me some time obviously, but I heard him. I shut up and heard him. Now, does that mean I understand? Nope. I don't understand how he thinks like that and I may never understand. But at the same time, I know for sure he doesn't understand 99.9% of my thoughts and how they even get into my head. He just knows my mind is ticking...always. But anyway...I heard him. What's confusing is that I heard him, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
This relationship thing is new to me. Scary too. VERY scary sometimes. I don't like not knowing. I need to know...I want to know...when...how...why not...who...where. I've been calming that need down a lot though. Simply because I am trusting. Trusting in God and trusting my man. I can't tell you the last time I trusted a man. It was years ago, and short lived. I think the biggest test of my trust for My Love was just last week. He asked me to be patient and wait a couple days so he could show me a good time. I said OK...and did. It was worth the wait. I enjoyed myself, got to dress up for once, and just really enjoyed myself and my time with My Love.
I've learned a lot through my time off and on with My Love. There's a lot of things I could say what I could have done differently or handled differently, but that's just part of the process. It sucks...don't get me wrong. But everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. Everyone is brought into your life for a reason and with My Love, I am learning how to love without limitation. I don't worry about the reaction I'm going to get, if/how he's going to respond, or what so-and-so is going to think/say or if I am doing it wrong. I am loving as best as I can right now. I'm sure there's always room for improvement. But I am loving My Love...not trying to..but doing it.
Anyway...the point of this whole blog was listening. I am listening. More importantly I am not running away from what I hear. Some things My Love says about himself upsets me, I don't agree with some things and I just don't like hearing some things. But I still have to listen. I am loving him by listening and not running for the door every time he speaks. I want to hear the truth and nobody knows the truth about My Love better than him.
The Opposing Team
My life has come full circle. I am not struggling. Don't get me wrong, my life is still not easy (doubt it will ever be easy), but I am making it. I have made it further than I could have ever imagined. I'm good, I'm happy, I'm in love and it feels really good to be in this place. God has really ordered my steps. I am pursuing a career that I would have never thought to pursue...but I have learned so much and am truly grateful. Every day I am being pushed mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I love it. If you asked me a year ago I would have never excepted or wanted the challenges I face today. However, now I welcome anything. With God I can do anything and get through everything.
I am about to be a firefighter. Yes...I said it. A firefighter. Would I have thought to pursue this career a year ago??? HELLLLLL NO! But today I feel I have found my calling...my niche...my place to be. I belong where I am right now. I push everyday to show I belong where I am right now. I love it. Others may not like it...or accept it...but I don't care what others think. I know I am where I belong and doing what I am supposed to be doing.
My love...I love him. I do. I've said it...I mean it...I feel it...I do it. It's a wonderful thing. I have no worries. I will admit that I do get my moments of doubt...but I get over them much faster than usual because I know God is in control...of me...of my life...of everything. Others think I'm crazy for taking My Love back...for being with him after what he has done and what we have been through...but I am believing he understands. If I am wrong...so be it. I'm in with an open heart...a clean slate...a new beginning. I am trusting. God. To fulfill the desires of my heart. My Love is a desire in my heart...I love him.
Unfortunately...not everyone has been accepting of my life coming full circle. Some of my family has been anything BUT supportive and even My Love had his moment of being on the opposing team. I've recognized my true friends and there are very FEW of them. That saying, "It's lonely at the top"...I feel that way sometimes. I feel lonely sometimes because there were some people who I really thought had my back...but didn't. They were hangin with me while I struggled...giving me all kinds of pep talk shit...then when I went out and did what I said I was going to do...they have nothing to say to me. It got to me...and made me upset...for a moment. But then I say to myself, "Ronny...you have come too far without those people...so why are you surprised? Keep moving. You will find better people."
May sound harsh but it's true. There are better people that are meant to be in my life. God is not done with me yet, and has not shown me all I should see. For those people that can't accept my success and achievements...I feel sorry for them. It's a shame. I never wish the worst on anybody...and I want everyone I know to have the best and to succeed. Unfortunately, some people cannot get themselves out of their own way to genuinely care for somebody else. And those are the people I specifically pray for.
I am about to be a firefighter. Yes...I said it. A firefighter. Would I have thought to pursue this career a year ago??? HELLLLLL NO! But today I feel I have found my calling...my niche...my place to be. I belong where I am right now. I push everyday to show I belong where I am right now. I love it. Others may not like it...or accept it...but I don't care what others think. I know I am where I belong and doing what I am supposed to be doing.
My love...I love him. I do. I've said it...I mean it...I feel it...I do it. It's a wonderful thing. I have no worries. I will admit that I do get my moments of doubt...but I get over them much faster than usual because I know God is in control...of me...of my life...of everything. Others think I'm crazy for taking My Love back...for being with him after what he has done and what we have been through...but I am believing he understands. If I am wrong...so be it. I'm in with an open heart...a clean slate...a new beginning. I am trusting. God. To fulfill the desires of my heart. My Love is a desire in my heart...I love him.
Unfortunately...not everyone has been accepting of my life coming full circle. Some of my family has been anything BUT supportive and even My Love had his moment of being on the opposing team. I've recognized my true friends and there are very FEW of them. That saying, "It's lonely at the top"...I feel that way sometimes. I feel lonely sometimes because there were some people who I really thought had my back...but didn't. They were hangin with me while I struggled...giving me all kinds of pep talk shit...then when I went out and did what I said I was going to do...they have nothing to say to me. It got to me...and made me upset...for a moment. But then I say to myself, "Ronny...you have come too far without those people...so why are you surprised? Keep moving. You will find better people."
May sound harsh but it's true. There are better people that are meant to be in my life. God is not done with me yet, and has not shown me all I should see. For those people that can't accept my success and achievements...I feel sorry for them. It's a shame. I never wish the worst on anybody...and I want everyone I know to have the best and to succeed. Unfortunately, some people cannot get themselves out of their own way to genuinely care for somebody else. And those are the people I specifically pray for.
A Tough Day
I have no pun for my title today. Today was bitter sweet...great...but sad. My life has taken a turn in a positive direction. I can lay in my bed at night and not stress. That is something new for me...but I am blessed and really enjoying my time. My life is still tough...but in a good positive way. Why bitter sweet today? Because I was forced to realize that someone I want to be a part of my daily life...doesn't want the same thing. I've known it for a while...but today I finally accepted it. My Love. I love him. I do. But it's just not going to work. I'm not going to sit here and bash him...that doesn't make me feel better. But I will say I don't understand him. I don't understand any of it...the point...the reasoning...I guess I don't get the "why" of it all. And I probably never will. It makes me sad. I can ask him all the questions in the world...and he will have an answer for them all...but they will never make sense (at least not to me.)
I don't know how to be part-time. Either you're in or out. You're it or you're not. You want it or you don't. Go for it or go home. My dad always said...never be mediocre..if you're not going to give 100 percent then don't do it. Absence does not make my heart grow fonder...which is why I will not do long distance relationships. I go with you...or you with me...or there is no us. If I am living 10minutes from you...an only seeing you one or two times a week at most...that's long distance to me. And I don't want it. Huhhhhhhhhhhhhh....i'm rambling now and tired. Bitter sweet. I want a different ending...but to every ending there's a new beginning right? We shall see.
I don't know how to be part-time. Either you're in or out. You're it or you're not. You want it or you don't. Go for it or go home. My dad always said...never be mediocre..if you're not going to give 100 percent then don't do it. Absence does not make my heart grow fonder...which is why I will not do long distance relationships. I go with you...or you with me...or there is no us. If I am living 10minutes from you...an only seeing you one or two times a week at most...that's long distance to me. And I don't want it. Huhhhhhhhhhhhhh....i'm rambling now and tired. Bitter sweet. I want a different ending...but to every ending there's a new beginning right? We shall see.
I Want More
Want more for yourself. If you don't want it...nobody is going to want it for you. Once you determine what you want...figure out how you're going to get it. Sometimes it doesn't take much to get it...and sometimes it can seem like it's taking a lifetime to achieve. Doesn't mean you stop wanting it. Dreams...aspirations...goals...what are yours? I always have a goal. I don't know what I would do without one. Goals keep me motivated and keep me focused. I know when I am in a place where I am supposed to be...make sense? I know when I'm on the right path and when I am not. It is up to me to make adjustments because I can't depend on others to change in order to suit my goal. Where is this coming from? A lot of things. My life...my kids...my job/career...love...marriage...relationships. I know when to be content and when not to be. You can't be content forever...just for a moment of time until you strive for something more.
I want more. From him...from me...for us. I am not content. It is continuously wrestling inside of me that we are not where we are supposed to be in this relationship. There is more...and he is not willing to see/admit it which leaves me to believe this by myself. If I'm by myself I am not with you. If you're doing your thing and I'm doing my thing, we are not together. If your path is not in the same direction as mine we will drift apart to different vicinities. There's more...I want more. I'm not getting what I want at this moment but my "more" is soon to come. He is soon to come. Why? Because I want it. What I need falls in line with what I want. Therefore I will keep wanting and striving for more. Is what I want what he wants? That is being answered to this day. No...at least from my perspective. I will strive...not sure what he will do...but I will continue to strive.
I want more. From him...from me...for us. I am not content. It is continuously wrestling inside of me that we are not where we are supposed to be in this relationship. There is more...and he is not willing to see/admit it which leaves me to believe this by myself. If I'm by myself I am not with you. If you're doing your thing and I'm doing my thing, we are not together. If your path is not in the same direction as mine we will drift apart to different vicinities. There's more...I want more. I'm not getting what I want at this moment but my "more" is soon to come. He is soon to come. Why? Because I want it. What I need falls in line with what I want. Therefore I will keep wanting and striving for more. Is what I want what he wants? That is being answered to this day. No...at least from my perspective. I will strive...not sure what he will do...but I will continue to strive.
Lost. Okay...but with a GPS???
So you know where you want to be, but how do you get there? I have a GPS. Before I got the GPS my friends would scream at me for years to get a GPS. I get lost...a LOT. You could tell me my destination is a block away and I would end up in east ja-bip. My in-laws actually ended up buying me my GPS because I kept getting lost on the way to their house. So did the GPS solve my problem? Nope. I STILL get lost even with that darn thing! I used my GPS today to get to a diner. After driving 1.5 miles, my GPS says, "You have reached your destination." Look to my left...trees. Look to my right...trees. WTF?! I know where I want to be...but how am I going to get there? Plan B. Call my friend...she gave me the exact address to put in the GPS. Cool...on my way. "You have reached your destination." Look to my left...trees. To my right...trees. Plan C...call the restaurant. They give me a different address to put in my GPS. "You have reached your destination." Trees. Plan D. Call the restaurant again and have them talk to me on the way there and give me landmarks. FINALLY. I had reached my destination.
Point of the story. You may know what you want in life, but it's not always going to be easy getting there, no matter HOW much help/technology there is in the world. Do you give up and go back home is the question. No. If you know what you want, you have to make a plan to get it. If that plan fails, make another, if that plan fails get another...never give up; you know what you want.
Now don't get me wrong, there's a catch. What you want has to come from a pure heart. You can't be conniving, spiteful or have ill intentions when getting what you want. It has to come from a pure desire, a pure heart with good intentions. For example, you want a million dollars. Why? Just to say you're rich? To buy stuff you don't need? You might get a million dollars but you're gonna have a hell of a ride when you get it. Now if you want a million dollars to secure the lives of your children, grandchildren and family, to start a business, to build homes for others, to get out of debt, to bless others...you can get that million dollars and be blessed in many other ways than you would expect.
I know what I want...in a relationship...a career...in my life. My journey has not been a straight shot and I got lost several times along the ride...but I am slowly, but surely securing what I want. I'm not giving up and I'm not changing what I want just because other people don't agree or just because it hasn't been easy. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I get what I want. I do. But it's not because I'm greedy or trying to brag...what I want comes from a pure heart. I have good intentions in all I do and all I desire. There have been times where I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but I got something better instead. So I'm gonna cut this short because it's almost midnight...but pray about what you want. Tell God what you are asking for... the right thing(s) or person(s). Talk to Him about it...and if it's still strong in your heart...go for it and don't look back. Don't let the naysayers get to you, don't let the haters phase you and don't let the obstacles stop you, go around them and take another route. Just remember one thing...Take God with you!! Don't ask Him to provide but then leave Him behind! it doesn't work that way people :)
Point of the story. You may know what you want in life, but it's not always going to be easy getting there, no matter HOW much help/technology there is in the world. Do you give up and go back home is the question. No. If you know what you want, you have to make a plan to get it. If that plan fails, make another, if that plan fails get another...never give up; you know what you want.
Now don't get me wrong, there's a catch. What you want has to come from a pure heart. You can't be conniving, spiteful or have ill intentions when getting what you want. It has to come from a pure desire, a pure heart with good intentions. For example, you want a million dollars. Why? Just to say you're rich? To buy stuff you don't need? You might get a million dollars but you're gonna have a hell of a ride when you get it. Now if you want a million dollars to secure the lives of your children, grandchildren and family, to start a business, to build homes for others, to get out of debt, to bless others...you can get that million dollars and be blessed in many other ways than you would expect.
I know what I want...in a relationship...a career...in my life. My journey has not been a straight shot and I got lost several times along the ride...but I am slowly, but surely securing what I want. I'm not giving up and I'm not changing what I want just because other people don't agree or just because it hasn't been easy. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I get what I want. I do. But it's not because I'm greedy or trying to brag...what I want comes from a pure heart. I have good intentions in all I do and all I desire. There have been times where I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but I got something better instead. So I'm gonna cut this short because it's almost midnight...but pray about what you want. Tell God what you are asking for... the right thing(s) or person(s). Talk to Him about it...and if it's still strong in your heart...go for it and don't look back. Don't let the naysayers get to you, don't let the haters phase you and don't let the obstacles stop you, go around them and take another route. Just remember one thing...Take God with you!! Don't ask Him to provide but then leave Him behind! it doesn't work that way people :)
You Lead...I Will Follow
I am not a follower by any means. I never followed fashion/style trends...just look at my hair... and I never followed people. Anything I've done, I did because I wanted to, or I researched and researched and decided to try. I'm not the one to jump off a bridge just because you did.
However, just because I'm not a follower doesn't mean I don't like to be lead. I love being lead by a good teacher, coach, mentor and maybe one day a man. I am the athlete every coach wants to have...my motto is, you're the coach...I do what you say and trust what you teach...otherwise you shouldn't be a coach. I am a believer of the quote in the Karate Kid (w/jaden smith) "There's no such thing as bad student, only bad teacher." I will not question your expertise, but if I follow and end up sucking, ummmmm your bad. But anyway...I love to learn...I love to observe...I love to witness. So you are probably wondering why I titled this blog the way I did. I follow Him...and ONLY Him. Why follow Jesus? Because He's the only one who knows it all. He will never take me somewhere I don't belong, He will never hurt my feelings, He will never try to harm me, and He will always love me and have my best interest at heart. Why wouldn't you want to follow someone like that?
Some think to follow Jesus, to walk God's walk and follow His path means to give up fun, act like a monk or say "Ohmmmmmm" all day and night. People really think life ends when you follow Him. It's completely the opposite. You will always have sin in your life because it's impossible for you to be perfect. But God sure does bless you if you try. Following Him means He is in control. It took a lot for me to finally surrender. I am a person who likes to figure it out...anything...I need to know why and how. But the problem with that is...you can't figure out God. He does not think like us...He does not act like us...He is like nothing we could ever fathom. So I finally stopped trying to figure it out and it has been the best decision I have ever made. I'm less stressed. I am open for love. I am no longer searching, digging, detecting or dissecting. I gave that up. I am letting life be. I read the Word, say my prayers, go to church and trust Him and that He knows what He is doing. Because of that, I feel good. I am good. I have found a sense of peace within my soul and my life has been getting better and better each day. Did the problems disappear? Nope. They're still here, at least some of them. But they do not consume me. God's got it. I'm in good hands and I'm loving every moment of it.
However, just because I'm not a follower doesn't mean I don't like to be lead. I love being lead by a good teacher, coach, mentor and maybe one day a man. I am the athlete every coach wants to have...my motto is, you're the coach...I do what you say and trust what you teach...otherwise you shouldn't be a coach. I am a believer of the quote in the Karate Kid (w/jaden smith) "There's no such thing as bad student, only bad teacher." I will not question your expertise, but if I follow and end up sucking, ummmmm your bad. But anyway...I love to learn...I love to observe...I love to witness. So you are probably wondering why I titled this blog the way I did. I follow Him...and ONLY Him. Why follow Jesus? Because He's the only one who knows it all. He will never take me somewhere I don't belong, He will never hurt my feelings, He will never try to harm me, and He will always love me and have my best interest at heart. Why wouldn't you want to follow someone like that?
Some think to follow Jesus, to walk God's walk and follow His path means to give up fun, act like a monk or say "Ohmmmmmm" all day and night. People really think life ends when you follow Him. It's completely the opposite. You will always have sin in your life because it's impossible for you to be perfect. But God sure does bless you if you try. Following Him means He is in control. It took a lot for me to finally surrender. I am a person who likes to figure it out...anything...I need to know why and how. But the problem with that is...you can't figure out God. He does not think like us...He does not act like us...He is like nothing we could ever fathom. So I finally stopped trying to figure it out and it has been the best decision I have ever made. I'm less stressed. I am open for love. I am no longer searching, digging, detecting or dissecting. I gave that up. I am letting life be. I read the Word, say my prayers, go to church and trust Him and that He knows what He is doing. Because of that, I feel good. I am good. I have found a sense of peace within my soul and my life has been getting better and better each day. Did the problems disappear? Nope. They're still here, at least some of them. But they do not consume me. God's got it. I'm in good hands and I'm loving every moment of it.
Counterfeit. Sham. Yeh Bogus Mon.
If you don't mean it...don't waste your time saying it.
I hate phoniness. Did I spell that right? Why be fake? You're just wasting mine and yours time. If I don't know you, I don't really care. Sorry...that's just the way it is. Your opinion...what you think of me...how you perceive me...doesn't really matter. In fact, if you are being phony with me, I'm not going to put forth the effort to GET to know you because whatever I get is going to be fake anyway. But if i DO know you??? Have enough respect for me to be honest. If you really knew me...you would know what I can handle. Anything.
Phoniness is malicious. To be phony is to make another person THINK you care...when you really don't. You smile to their face...but talk shit in your head. You shower them with compliments...but talk shit in your head. You say what you don't mean. So basically...to be phony...you must lie. If ya don't know by now....I. HATE. LYING. I hate when people do it and I hate to do it myself. If I do lie, put enough pressure and I will come out with the truth...or I will put enough pressure on myself and come out with the truth. I'm very easily read when I'm lying because it really makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather say the truth and hurt your feelings then lie and make you think I care.
Where is this coming from? I thought I was cared about. I thought what I felt mattered, what I wanted mattered, what I said mattered, what I believe mattered...and it didn't, when I was lead to believe it did. Um. That's rough. I always hear, "People lie because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings." Really? That's bullshit. A cop out. Laziness. Cowardly. I'd rather hurt your feelings and set you free for someone who really DOES care. I tell the truth because i DO care. If I didn't care I wouldn't be talking to you in the first place. But then again...that's just me apparently <sigh> :(
I hate phoniness. Did I spell that right? Why be fake? You're just wasting mine and yours time. If I don't know you, I don't really care. Sorry...that's just the way it is. Your opinion...what you think of me...how you perceive me...doesn't really matter. In fact, if you are being phony with me, I'm not going to put forth the effort to GET to know you because whatever I get is going to be fake anyway. But if i DO know you??? Have enough respect for me to be honest. If you really knew me...you would know what I can handle. Anything.
Phoniness is malicious. To be phony is to make another person THINK you care...when you really don't. You smile to their face...but talk shit in your head. You shower them with compliments...but talk shit in your head. You say what you don't mean. So basically...to be phony...you must lie. If ya don't know by now....I. HATE. LYING. I hate when people do it and I hate to do it myself. If I do lie, put enough pressure and I will come out with the truth...or I will put enough pressure on myself and come out with the truth. I'm very easily read when I'm lying because it really makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather say the truth and hurt your feelings then lie and make you think I care.
Where is this coming from? I thought I was cared about. I thought what I felt mattered, what I wanted mattered, what I said mattered, what I believe mattered...and it didn't, when I was lead to believe it did. Um. That's rough. I always hear, "People lie because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings." Really? That's bullshit. A cop out. Laziness. Cowardly. I'd rather hurt your feelings and set you free for someone who really DOES care. I tell the truth because i DO care. If I didn't care I wouldn't be talking to you in the first place. But then again...that's just me apparently <sigh> :(
Cause Ya Gotta Have Faith-a Faith-a Faith...I Gotta Have Faith
Faith doesn't wonder, faith doesn't ask...faith KNOWS. Heard that in Church wednesday...but I've been having faith lately and boy is it refreshing. I feel so good, so relaxed..just so free. Why? Because I KNOW I will get my blessings. I hit my rock bottom a couple of times within this past year...but I am GOOOOOOD now. Did you hear me? I am GOOD. I'm okay. I'm not worrying about nothing and I am trusting fully. God sent me to this great home, with a wonderful friend, I have been blessed with great jobs to begin soon...and eventually I will be blessed with ma man too. I know I know...well what about Menti/My Love....what about him? Menti has been showing himself lately and it's all good...God is taking care of me. Menti has one choice...get right with Him...or he'll have no choice but to get ta gettin...all I know is I am not worrying about it. I am enjoying my days to the fullest. Friday night was the first time in a LONG time that I was able to go to bed without thinking "What am I gonna do now?" and be able to sleep as long as I wanted on Saturday without worrying about "what time will my lil rugrats wake me up today" because they were with their daddy. It's been a blessing. Truly a blessing. God has taught me so much and I am just so grateful that I GET IT. I finally get IT. I do. I finally do...and it feels good. All it takes is faith people. What you believe is what you will receive...I believe I am getting all I want, need and desire and THEN some. How bout u?
Lift Weights
Almost every other day a woman asks me...Ronny, how do you get your arms to look like that? Lift weights. How you get your legs to look like that? Lift weights. How do you stay in shape? Run...and lift weights. If you want muscle, you have to build muscle or burn off the fat that's covering it if you already have it. WOMEN..listen up.
1. YOU-WILL-NOT-GET-BIG-MUSCLES-LIKE-A-MAN by lifting weights! It takes an insane amount of lifting and consuming calories to get your muscles big as hell like a man.
2. It's easier to lose weight and get smaller by lifting weights than to get bigger. Muscles burn more calories per day...even when you are sleeping.
3. Burn more calories than you consume. That's the only way to lose weight (not including surgical procedures and stuff).
4. I started lifting weights 5 days a week when I was 13....I stopped when I was 22...do the math. Even though I'm 30 now, it doesn't take much for me to maintain my muscle. Do YOU need to do that? No. Of course not. But you do need to strength train at least 2 days per week. Do pushups, lunges, squats, crunches...you know...basic calisthenics are sufficient. Weight training..resistance bands...medicine balls...cow bells...etc. Do SOMETHING.
You will never be "toned" without some sort of strength training. So if you spend all your time doing cardio...you body size may get smaller, but you can still be skinny and flabby...AKA a skinny-fat person. So stop being afraid of the weight room and get yourself some muscle.
1. YOU-WILL-NOT-GET-BIG-MUSCLES-LIKE-A-MAN by lifting weights! It takes an insane amount of lifting and consuming calories to get your muscles big as hell like a man.
2. It's easier to lose weight and get smaller by lifting weights than to get bigger. Muscles burn more calories per day...even when you are sleeping.
3. Burn more calories than you consume. That's the only way to lose weight (not including surgical procedures and stuff).
4. I started lifting weights 5 days a week when I was 13....I stopped when I was 22...do the math. Even though I'm 30 now, it doesn't take much for me to maintain my muscle. Do YOU need to do that? No. Of course not. But you do need to strength train at least 2 days per week. Do pushups, lunges, squats, crunches...you know...basic calisthenics are sufficient. Weight training..resistance bands...medicine balls...cow bells...etc. Do SOMETHING.
You will never be "toned" without some sort of strength training. So if you spend all your time doing cardio...you body size may get smaller, but you can still be skinny and flabby...AKA a skinny-fat person. So stop being afraid of the weight room and get yourself some muscle.
"I Do." but no...I Really Don't.
I moved the other day and was asked why I didn't move in with Menti (still deciding if I want to call him My Love again...) but simply put...I don't play marriage. I will not live with a man until we've signed the paperwork and say "I do." I didn't do it with my first husband and I'm not going to do it if I marry again.
Moving in isn't the only thing I won't do until I get married...there's several things I'm not going to do for a man that's not my husband. For instance, cooking. Most people know I would prefer to never cook. However, if you are my husband, you will come home to a home-cooked meal just about every night. The house will be clean and the kids will be maintained...but don't expect that if you have not committed to me. I may cook for you once a month...if that...but every day? Yea right...where's the ring? You want to share a bank account? Yea right...where's the ring? How freaky can I get? Yea right...where's the ring?
I don't consider this "playing hard to get"...there's no game about it. I'm not PLAYING. You don't deserve all of me unless you commit yourself to me...and GOD. A marriage will not be healthy if God is not the center.
Commitment. I've touched on that word before...but it is a big deal to ME (maybe not everyone else).
You will get some of me...but only the committed will get it all. And don't think you can fake a commitment. What goes around... comes around, people. Don't get it twisted. You know the phrase...karma's a what? Right.
Menti is used to getting everything a woman has to offer...just because he made eye contact, smiled or called her "sweetie". Good for him. I'm not mad at him...he can't help it..that's just who he is. I understand why these women do it...he my Menti.. he's a great catch :) But honestly, I don't care how good he looks, how much money he makes or how great his is in the bedroom. These are all a definite plus...but there's just certain things he's not entitled to unless he wants to be my husband. I'm not going to sit here and list them all...but I know for a fact my husband is in store for a good wife. He who finds his wife finds a good thing. I am a good thing. We shall see if Menti gets this good thing or if he chooses to pass it up.
You may wonder, well what if Menti doesn't care about the other stuff you're not sharing with him? What if he's happy with you and what you are doing now? That's cool. So where's the ring then? My man will become my husband. Point blank. Menti knows this already. Times a tickin and time will tell. Soon I will have pictures of my ring and My Love...or soon I will be single and learning someone new.
Moving in isn't the only thing I won't do until I get married...there's several things I'm not going to do for a man that's not my husband. For instance, cooking. Most people know I would prefer to never cook. However, if you are my husband, you will come home to a home-cooked meal just about every night. The house will be clean and the kids will be maintained...but don't expect that if you have not committed to me. I may cook for you once a month...if that...but every day? Yea right...where's the ring? You want to share a bank account? Yea right...where's the ring? How freaky can I get? Yea right...where's the ring?
I don't consider this "playing hard to get"...there's no game about it. I'm not PLAYING. You don't deserve all of me unless you commit yourself to me...and GOD. A marriage will not be healthy if God is not the center.
Commitment. I've touched on that word before...but it is a big deal to ME (maybe not everyone else).
You will get some of me...but only the committed will get it all. And don't think you can fake a commitment. What goes around... comes around, people. Don't get it twisted. You know the phrase...karma's a what? Right.
Menti is used to getting everything a woman has to offer...just because he made eye contact, smiled or called her "sweetie". Good for him. I'm not mad at him...he can't help it..that's just who he is. I understand why these women do it...he my Menti.. he's a great catch :) But honestly, I don't care how good he looks, how much money he makes or how great his is in the bedroom. These are all a definite plus...but there's just certain things he's not entitled to unless he wants to be my husband. I'm not going to sit here and list them all...but I know for a fact my husband is in store for a good wife. He who finds his wife finds a good thing. I am a good thing. We shall see if Menti gets this good thing or if he chooses to pass it up.
You may wonder, well what if Menti doesn't care about the other stuff you're not sharing with him? What if he's happy with you and what you are doing now? That's cool. So where's the ring then? My man will become my husband. Point blank. Menti knows this already. Times a tickin and time will tell. Soon I will have pictures of my ring and My Love...or soon I will be single and learning someone new.
How Would You Define Intelligence?
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."
I was searching through the internet for god knows what... and came across this quote. It made me think...made me wonder...I am a believer of this phrase. So often I hear words come out of a persons mouth... but yet they do nothing to me inside. Intelligence to me is when you can make me stop and think...cause me to view your perspective...maybe accept your perspective...make me question my own reasoning...dig deeper into my own thoughts...that to me is intelligent. An intelligent person can do those things to me by the words they speak, without them trying to make me do those things....make sense? There is no effort to being intelligent. You're not trying to get a point across...you're just being/speaking who you are and what you know.
You can speak, but say nothing.
Intelligence comes from the heart...from within. You cannot teach intelligence. Intelligence comes from one's mouth because of experience, being, learning, feeling and accepting. Wisdom and intelligence flow from the same tree. You ever read the serenity prayer?
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
He who spoke this prayer was intelligent. It's easy to distinguish intelligence from being smart, creative or manipulative. Intelligence comes naturally. There are many smart, but dumb people in the world. Ya feel me? Creativity can be expressed in many ways besides speaking. Usually the creative person communicates in every way EXCEPT speaking; hence art, music, writing, dance...they have a way of telling without using words. A manipulator uses word-play...you know...takes what you say and twists it to work in their favor...or use someone elses words to accomplish an agenda; smart, creative, but not intelligent.--Reinhold Niebuhr
Intelligence has meaning...flavor...leaves a distinguished mark. Pure. It's rare...but memorable. Imagine your great grandmom just talking...you listen as she speaks, but there's something different about what she is saying...you're drawn in...almost mesmerized...as she rocks in her chair, smiles and speaks. Intelligence. You hope to possess it.
Pay attention the next time somebody talks to you. Do you hear what they are saying? How do you feel? Would you acknowledge that person as intelligent? How will you know if they are? You will know...you will know...and you will never forget that moment.
One. Un. Uno.
Yes. I need only one man. I want…only one man. I will get…only one man who wants me to be their only woman. Ain’t found him yet…but God will provide J So….this blog post. Monogamy. Really? Yup. Monogamy. I believe in it…and I will get it. I want just one…because I only need just one. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried seeing more than one person at a time…I was successful at it too…but I didn’t like it. I had three going strong…but it was just too much. I dropped it down to two…but it was still just too much. I can barely give my heart to ONE person, let alone trying to give it to two or more people.
Simply put…I don’t like the idea of many men “knowing” me…mentally, physically or spiritually. I’ve been told…love one and just keep another around for “backup” or as the “fun one” or whatever the second can fulfill that the first isn’t. I’ve been told you can love two people at the same time. I’ve been told “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt…he’s probably doing the same thing.” Really people? I’m just not built that way. I tried…just can’t do it. Not to say others can’t…I just know ME…and I. Can’t. Do. That.
I give my all to one person and I expect the same in return. It’s impossible for me to love more than one person at the same time because love is an action…love is a choice…love is expressed. When I love somebody…they get ALL my love. That makes it impossible for me to love two people…ALL is not a fraction…it’s a whole. I expect the same of my man. I say this all the time…I don’t like to share…I’m selfish with good reason. I want to be the only one. A man can never be truly in tune with me…if they are off trying to be in tune with someone else too. It just doesn’t work. Especially the way MY mind goes?? You’d drive yourself insane if you tried to be with me and someone else too. My instincts are surreal…so good luck trying. But anyway…commitment is not hard for me. I think there is something powerful about being committed to one person. To know there is only one person getting your attention, getting your love, experiencing your body, learning your mind…that is VERY erotic to me. You have something nobody else is getting…none of it. The many layers of me are only being exposed to that one person…and the lucky one will be able to get down to my core. And vice versa…if you have that man/woman that you know is being monogamous…isn‘t it erotic to know others want your man/woman but can‘t get NOTHING? BUT…then again… men I have met don’t think like that. They think they can have their cake, pie, ice cream, chicken wings, beer, white and brown liquor and cereal without any complications. More power to ya.
So it’s easy for me to be committed…but don’t think I just commit to ANYONE. Yea right…that takes a LOT of time. I’ve only been fully committed to one person so far. Didn’t work out, but was well worth the try…learned a lot about myself in the process. So on that note…being monogamous…fully committed….leads to one thing. Marriage. Shift in your seat if you must…but yes I still believe in marriage, even if my first didn’t work out. But….that’s another blog…stay tuned.
Simply put…I don’t like the idea of many men “knowing” me…mentally, physically or spiritually. I’ve been told…love one and just keep another around for “backup” or as the “fun one” or whatever the second can fulfill that the first isn’t. I’ve been told you can love two people at the same time. I’ve been told “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt…he’s probably doing the same thing.” Really people? I’m just not built that way. I tried…just can’t do it. Not to say others can’t…I just know ME…and I. Can’t. Do. That.
I give my all to one person and I expect the same in return. It’s impossible for me to love more than one person at the same time because love is an action…love is a choice…love is expressed. When I love somebody…they get ALL my love. That makes it impossible for me to love two people…ALL is not a fraction…it’s a whole. I expect the same of my man. I say this all the time…I don’t like to share…I’m selfish with good reason. I want to be the only one. A man can never be truly in tune with me…if they are off trying to be in tune with someone else too. It just doesn’t work. Especially the way MY mind goes?? You’d drive yourself insane if you tried to be with me and someone else too. My instincts are surreal…so good luck trying. But anyway…commitment is not hard for me. I think there is something powerful about being committed to one person. To know there is only one person getting your attention, getting your love, experiencing your body, learning your mind…that is VERY erotic to me. You have something nobody else is getting…none of it. The many layers of me are only being exposed to that one person…and the lucky one will be able to get down to my core. And vice versa…if you have that man/woman that you know is being monogamous…isn‘t it erotic to know others want your man/woman but can‘t get NOTHING? BUT…then again… men I have met don’t think like that. They think they can have their cake, pie, ice cream, chicken wings, beer, white and brown liquor and cereal without any complications. More power to ya.
So it’s easy for me to be committed…but don’t think I just commit to ANYONE. Yea right…that takes a LOT of time. I’ve only been fully committed to one person so far. Didn’t work out, but was well worth the try…learned a lot about myself in the process. So on that note…being monogamous…fully committed….leads to one thing. Marriage. Shift in your seat if you must…but yes I still believe in marriage, even if my first didn’t work out. But….that’s another blog…stay tuned.
He Wants It All
You ever hear that song by Forever Jones…He Wants it All? I was listening to 104.7 on the way home from church and that song was playing right before I pulled up to my house. Such an easy concept that took me forever to understand. He wants it all. Not part of you…ALL of you. It’s funny how God wants the same thing we want from our significant others…all…not some.
Now I definitely know there is no comparison between God and our significant others, but the underlying concept is the same. Think about it…there is nothing we go through that God has not gone through. Nothing we feel that God has not felt. God knows what we are going through. I can only speak for myself, even though I know a lot of others question the same thing, regarding our significant others…why can’t he be vulnerable? How can he half-ass a relationship? Why can’t he COMMIT? Commitment. Um. The hairs stand on my arms when I hear that word. Heart starts beating fast…that is a SCARY word…for most men in my experience. You see…I don’t have a problem with committing. I think it is much easier to commit to one person than to play the field. Now that’s just ME. But back to tying this into the song…He Wants it All. I give my all when it comes to a relationship. My motto is…if you’re going to get into a relationship, give a 100% or don’t get into it at all. I don’t know how to half-ass a relationship. I really don’t. Just ask My Love…I either commit…or get out. I have no problem getting out if I don’t feel like the other person is giving their all…or if I do not feel you are worthy of my all. Doesn’t mean I stop loving them, I just know it’s a situation where the relationship won’t work if both parties are not giving their all. Does that mean the relationship is always going to be fun and exciting, no. But if both people are truly committed, giving it their all every day, no matter what…the relationship will flourish and you will experience true feelings and realness. Even if the relationship does not work, there is a sense of satisfaction knowing you went in and gave it your all. You can walk away with a sense of peace…and probably still remain friends with the other person.
Now back to God…you see…God wants us to give Him our all too. He will always love us…yes. But if you don’t give God your all…you will never experience the full amount of blessings and grace He has for us. When you give God your all…will life be happy and problem-free? Of course not. But there is a sense of peace and understanding within yourself to know that everything is ok…and your relationship with God will flourish.
There’s something special about being in a committed relationship…with ONE person….to be continued…next blog post J
Now I definitely know there is no comparison between God and our significant others, but the underlying concept is the same. Think about it…there is nothing we go through that God has not gone through. Nothing we feel that God has not felt. God knows what we are going through. I can only speak for myself, even though I know a lot of others question the same thing, regarding our significant others…why can’t he be vulnerable? How can he half-ass a relationship? Why can’t he COMMIT? Commitment. Um. The hairs stand on my arms when I hear that word. Heart starts beating fast…that is a SCARY word…for most men in my experience. You see…I don’t have a problem with committing. I think it is much easier to commit to one person than to play the field. Now that’s just ME. But back to tying this into the song…He Wants it All. I give my all when it comes to a relationship. My motto is…if you’re going to get into a relationship, give a 100% or don’t get into it at all. I don’t know how to half-ass a relationship. I really don’t. Just ask My Love…I either commit…or get out. I have no problem getting out if I don’t feel like the other person is giving their all…or if I do not feel you are worthy of my all. Doesn’t mean I stop loving them, I just know it’s a situation where the relationship won’t work if both parties are not giving their all. Does that mean the relationship is always going to be fun and exciting, no. But if both people are truly committed, giving it their all every day, no matter what…the relationship will flourish and you will experience true feelings and realness. Even if the relationship does not work, there is a sense of satisfaction knowing you went in and gave it your all. You can walk away with a sense of peace…and probably still remain friends with the other person.
Now back to God…you see…God wants us to give Him our all too. He will always love us…yes. But if you don’t give God your all…you will never experience the full amount of blessings and grace He has for us. When you give God your all…will life be happy and problem-free? Of course not. But there is a sense of peace and understanding within yourself to know that everything is ok…and your relationship with God will flourish.
There’s something special about being in a committed relationship…with ONE person….to be continued…next blog post J
Aye Girl...What Yo Name Is?
Come on ladies...we have all come across that "scrub" at some point in time in our life. Some of us more often than others. Well I came across a couple scrubs today...which inspired me to write this. So the first scrub was in his car...or actually the passenger seat of someone else's car (u know the song...hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride...tryin to holla at me). Well this scrub had the nerve to knock on the window as I was walking into the bank. What did he think I was gonna do, answer the door?? lol I looked at the window and he pointed his finger for me to come to the car. Needless to say...I kept it moving. Scrub #1...get ya own ride...and get some money so YOU can be the one going into the bank and not the person you were riding with, who left you in a car where you can't even roll ya window down.
Scrub #2...This scrub was a cute story...but never-the-less...still a scrub. So I was at a red light listening to my song Super Bass...had my windows down and enjoying my moment. I look over and this old dude says..."Excuse me, he wants to get your number" and points to the guy in his passenger side (don't know WHAT it is with these passengers...ugh) Well the guy in the passenger side sits up so I can see him and his kool-aide smile...which was missing a couple teeth! I smiled and shook my head no. Dude had to be like 70 years old lol I love my old men though...lord knows I get hit on by them a LOT. Some of them are really fun and sweet. But sorry scrub #2...get ya teeth fixed...get in the driver side...and MAYBE I will smile and shake my head yes...doubt it though...sorry.
Scrub #3...Another car story. Again I'm at a red light with the windows down. This time, no music...was enjoying the sun and silence. A van pulls up next to me. This time the driver says, "You're very pretty." I say thank you. Then he goes, "Are you married? Have a boyfriend?" I say yes. He says, "Damn, he's a lucky man....can I give you a call? We can just be friends :) " lol ummmmmm no. Now that was a LONG red light lol sorry scrub #3...although I am glad you were in the driver side...had all your teeth...and actually looked pretty decent...give a compliment...accept the woman is taken and finish with "Ok..Enjoy your day sweetheart.." Now that would have kept you from being called a scrub.
I will continue my scrub series another day...I'm sure there will be plenty more to come :)
Scrub #2...This scrub was a cute story...but never-the-less...still a scrub. So I was at a red light listening to my song Super Bass...had my windows down and enjoying my moment. I look over and this old dude says..."Excuse me, he wants to get your number" and points to the guy in his passenger side (don't know WHAT it is with these passengers...ugh) Well the guy in the passenger side sits up so I can see him and his kool-aide smile...which was missing a couple teeth! I smiled and shook my head no. Dude had to be like 70 years old lol I love my old men though...lord knows I get hit on by them a LOT. Some of them are really fun and sweet. But sorry scrub #2...get ya teeth fixed...get in the driver side...and MAYBE I will smile and shake my head yes...doubt it though...sorry.
Scrub #3...Another car story. Again I'm at a red light with the windows down. This time, no music...was enjoying the sun and silence. A van pulls up next to me. This time the driver says, "You're very pretty." I say thank you. Then he goes, "Are you married? Have a boyfriend?" I say yes. He says, "Damn, he's a lucky man....can I give you a call? We can just be friends :) " lol ummmmmm no. Now that was a LONG red light lol sorry scrub #3...although I am glad you were in the driver side...had all your teeth...and actually looked pretty decent...give a compliment...accept the woman is taken and finish with "Ok..Enjoy your day sweetheart.." Now that would have kept you from being called a scrub.
I will continue my scrub series another day...I'm sure there will be plenty more to come :)
Colorblind? Nope...not yet.
Is a black BMW any different from a white one? Is a black pitbull any different from a white one? Is a black house any sturdier than a white one? Is a black cup gonna hold the water any better than the white one? Get where I'm going? Color. A ridiculous thing to be prejudice about.
Growing up...I was too "black" for most white kids (mainly their parents) and am constantly told I am "white" or my favorite "have white girl tendencies" from black people. Last I checked...I didn't know my color defined who I was. Yes, I'm black...but am I not allowed to like Mozart, am I obligated to like rap music, am I not supposed to be smart or am I supposed to know how to dance? All of these questions are supposed to be answered by the color of my skin right...I don't think so.
My color doesn't stop me from learning anything I want to learn or doing anything I want to do. Although it has caused problems or made it more difficult at times...it has never STOPPED me. I have been the only black girl on the cheerleading squad, basketball team, in the classroom...and I'm sure there are more places that I just can't remember right now. Did it stop me from doing those activities? Of course not. Don't get me wrong, I always wished there were more girls like me in WHATEVER I did...but I couldn't let that stop me from living. If you have a problem with my color, then that's just that...YOUR problem. Get over it people. It's 2011.
Growing up...I was too "black" for most white kids (mainly their parents) and am constantly told I am "white" or my favorite "have white girl tendencies" from black people. Last I checked...I didn't know my color defined who I was. Yes, I'm black...but am I not allowed to like Mozart, am I obligated to like rap music, am I not supposed to be smart or am I supposed to know how to dance? All of these questions are supposed to be answered by the color of my skin right...I don't think so.
My color doesn't stop me from learning anything I want to learn or doing anything I want to do. Although it has caused problems or made it more difficult at times...it has never STOPPED me. I have been the only black girl on the cheerleading squad, basketball team, in the classroom...and I'm sure there are more places that I just can't remember right now. Did it stop me from doing those activities? Of course not. Don't get me wrong, I always wished there were more girls like me in WHATEVER I did...but I couldn't let that stop me from living. If you have a problem with my color, then that's just that...YOUR problem. Get over it people. It's 2011.
What's Your Sign?
I am a Virgo...not to a fault...but pretty close. I read the zodiac stuff as far as personality traits and things, but I can't say I always agree with the horoscopes. I personally like to read the horoscopes AFTER the day it speaks about to see if it was on or not...sometimes they're pretty freaky. I do not believe anybody can predict the future, but I do believe each sign can help explain a persons personality, and help another have insight to who that person is, how they think or how they act.
If you have twitter, a zodiac page that almost describes me to a "T" is @VirgoNation. If you want to understand me.. you really need to read some of their posts. I would never realize those things about myself, but after reading them... I'm like...you know what...that's true! Freaky...but true! Here's a few that I would say describe me....
Ok...so I'm tired of copying and pasting..but you get the point. While I will never go to a psychic, or if I do I most likely wont' believe anything they say...I do believe the zodiac signs have a unique way of explaining a persons personality. I think they are very interesting. As far as the compatibility of signs together, I'm not sure about all that...most of the signs I have dated or been with...always say "the relationship could work and be harmonious.....IF...". I think EVERY relationship could work...IF...there's always going to be an IF in a relationship. So food for thought...look up information on your zodiac sign, you'll either laugh...or you will agree...either way it's an interesting thing to do if you have time on your hands....
If you have twitter, a zodiac page that almost describes me to a "T" is @VirgoNation. If you want to understand me.. you really need to read some of their posts. I would never realize those things about myself, but after reading them... I'm like...you know what...that's true! Freaky...but true! Here's a few that I would say describe me....
~#Virgos don't make quick friends because they are not as easily trusting and freely expressive with their feelings as others.
~A #Virgo won't just take your word for it.
~A #Virgo won't just take your word for it.
~A #Virgo doesn't need anyone to agree with them. They are usually comfortable enough with themselves to stand alone if they have to.
~#Virgos are emotional beings, but when making situational decisions, emotion plays a small role while logic is the main character.
Ok...so I'm tired of copying and pasting..but you get the point. While I will never go to a psychic, or if I do I most likely wont' believe anything they say...I do believe the zodiac signs have a unique way of explaining a persons personality. I think they are very interesting. As far as the compatibility of signs together, I'm not sure about all that...most of the signs I have dated or been with...always say "the relationship could work and be harmonious.....IF...". I think EVERY relationship could work...IF...there's always going to be an IF in a relationship. So food for thought...look up information on your zodiac sign, you'll either laugh...or you will agree...either way it's an interesting thing to do if you have time on your hands....
Psalm 71
I have been feeling this passage lately. Although I have my fair share of problems and issues...I never want to give the impression I am doing it alone. I know I've previously stated, I have me, myself and I...but I also have God. God has been my savior through it all and the reason I can get up everyday, keep moving, keep smiling, and keep living.
Went to Church Sunday night and pastor was talking about, "Some of you are losing hope, feeling drained, coming to your wits end...give it to God and let him carry you...drench yourself in the spirit." Pastor was right on...that was me...is me...feeling drained...almost lost hope...but I've never let go of God through it all. My physical body is drained and beat up...my mind is drained and overworked...but I'm still here and I'm still moving...and I know my time is right around the corner. Well anyway, pastor brought up psalm 71...I ain't gonna lie...I dozed off a few times while he was talking about it...hey I worked from 7am to 5pm...i was tired! But anyway, I wrote the verse down and have been reading it, and re-reading it every morning and every night. It's just something about that passage that sparked new life in me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
..............
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
That's how I feel. Not everyone is out for your best interest...not everything you go through will be fun...but that's not for me to worry about, or stress about, or for me to try and figure out...although you know me, I DID try to figure it out...but God has it all under control. I will always have hope, no matter how hard-headed I am and no matter how many mistakes I make or trials I go through...and I will always praise my God for He's the one that made me who I am, brought me to where I am, and will get me to where I am going...no matter what/who enters my life. If you can't hang around for my ride...then get off...it wasn't meant for you to be on it anyway (my perspective...I'm sure God has a nicer way of putting it :)
Went to Church Sunday night and pastor was talking about, "Some of you are losing hope, feeling drained, coming to your wits end...give it to God and let him carry you...drench yourself in the spirit." Pastor was right on...that was me...is me...feeling drained...almost lost hope...but I've never let go of God through it all. My physical body is drained and beat up...my mind is drained and overworked...but I'm still here and I'm still moving...and I know my time is right around the corner. Well anyway, pastor brought up psalm 71...I ain't gonna lie...I dozed off a few times while he was talking about it...hey I worked from 7am to 5pm...i was tired! But anyway, I wrote the verse down and have been reading it, and re-reading it every morning and every night. It's just something about that passage that sparked new life in me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
..............
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
That's how I feel. Not everyone is out for your best interest...not everything you go through will be fun...but that's not for me to worry about, or stress about, or for me to try and figure out...although you know me, I DID try to figure it out...but God has it all under control. I will always have hope, no matter how hard-headed I am and no matter how many mistakes I make or trials I go through...and I will always praise my God for He's the one that made me who I am, brought me to where I am, and will get me to where I am going...no matter what/who enters my life. If you can't hang around for my ride...then get off...it wasn't meant for you to be on it anyway (my perspective...I'm sure God has a nicer way of putting it :)
Count Yourself...Then Stop.
Who can you count on? I mean really...who can you REALLY...TRULY...count on? If you say your spouse...good for you...your boyfriend/girlfriend...good for you...your family...then that's just great. However, in my life...I can only speak for myself...I count on nobody but myself. I've tried...trust me I've tried. But when it comes down to it, I got me, myself and I...nobody else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I got where I am all by myself. I am well aware of the help I have received, the prayers that were sent, the monetary support I have received and any and everything somebody else was willing to do for me...when they were ready, when they felt like it, or when they had it. I have been truly blessed and I send a BIG shout out to my supporters. Can I count on the same blessing to repeat themselves? Of course not. They were blessings...not guarantees. The reason I say I have me, myself and I is because I have yet to find my man...my partner...my true backbone...that's there no matter what...that means what he says...that acts before being asked...or recognizes a need and responds. I've been going through it recently...I mean going THROUGH it. You've read my posts...you've heard my cries...you got the gist of what's going on. I made mistakes in my past that have came back to haunt me today. My support has run dry. Not because they don't want to support me...they are basically tired of me f*ing up and have run out of options in regards to how to help me. I had run out too. I didn't know who to turn to...what to do...or where to go. Thankfully I have a wonderful friend that laid out my reality...thanks girl! Although, even though she laid it out, it really put me into a depression. I really didn't know how bad I was doing. In my mind, I thought I was making progress...making the right choices...doing the right things...just to realize a week ago, that wasn't the case.
My family has me in prayer...my friends offer encouragement...but there was still one person I needed to get down to the nitty gritty with as to what that persons role was in my life. We'll call that person Menti. So Menti kept telling me that they were there for me...I can count on them...they will help me no matter what. So I tell Menti, no Menti, I don't think you realize how bad it is this time. And Menti says don't worry, we'll work through this together...I'm here for you and have always been. So I say to Menti, ok...I think we really need to get together and hash this out and develop our plan. Menti says, okay...I can meet with you...in three days. Three days??? WTF! but....ok Menti....three days. Three days go by...no Menti. Fourth day goes by...no Menti. Fifth day...I say Menti...meet me for 30 minutes. Menti agrees and meets me for 30 minutes. Menti professes love...professes support...offers support and says will help today. Menti says I am priority. Menti had to leave and said would call in an hour...two hours pass...no Menti...four hours...no Menti. Get where I am going with this?? Menti was supposed to complete a task that day...task was left incomplete. Menti says...so sorry Ronny...I had this that and a bunch of bullshit to do...I didn't know you needed help today. I didn't know the word today ment tomorrow...or another day...I also didn't know the word priority meant to come first AFTER everything else. Hmmmmm confused. So if you have not figured it out yet...Menti did not TRULY want to help me. Menti is waiting for me to get help elsewhere so Menti doesn't have to do it. That's cool Menti. I figured it out. I also figured out what role you play in my life. Ya DAMN sure ain't My Love...and you're really acting like a whack friend. All you had to do is tell the truth. If you told the truth, maybe I would call you Sincero instead of Menti.
Needless to say...God brought me through...My friends and Family are wonderful..at least the majority of them..but Menti....hmmmmm learned a LOT about you...nothing I didnt already know...just another part of my life that came to reality.
My family has me in prayer...my friends offer encouragement...but there was still one person I needed to get down to the nitty gritty with as to what that persons role was in my life. We'll call that person Menti. So Menti kept telling me that they were there for me...I can count on them...they will help me no matter what. So I tell Menti, no Menti, I don't think you realize how bad it is this time. And Menti says don't worry, we'll work through this together...I'm here for you and have always been. So I say to Menti, ok...I think we really need to get together and hash this out and develop our plan. Menti says, okay...I can meet with you...in three days. Three days??? WTF! but....ok Menti....three days. Three days go by...no Menti. Fourth day goes by...no Menti. Fifth day...I say Menti...meet me for 30 minutes. Menti agrees and meets me for 30 minutes. Menti professes love...professes support...offers support and says will help today. Menti says I am priority. Menti had to leave and said would call in an hour...two hours pass...no Menti...four hours...no Menti. Get where I am going with this?? Menti was supposed to complete a task that day...task was left incomplete. Menti says...so sorry Ronny...I had this that and a bunch of bullshit to do...I didn't know you needed help today. I didn't know the word today ment tomorrow...or another day...I also didn't know the word priority meant to come first AFTER everything else. Hmmmmm confused. So if you have not figured it out yet...Menti did not TRULY want to help me. Menti is waiting for me to get help elsewhere so Menti doesn't have to do it. That's cool Menti. I figured it out. I also figured out what role you play in my life. Ya DAMN sure ain't My Love...and you're really acting like a whack friend. All you had to do is tell the truth. If you told the truth, maybe I would call you Sincero instead of Menti.
Needless to say...God brought me through...My friends and Family are wonderful..at least the majority of them..but Menti....hmmmmm learned a LOT about you...nothing I didnt already know...just another part of my life that came to reality.
From the Heart…or Out the Ass?
To convey how you feel, what you think, what you mean, what you want or what you are asking with the words from your mouth is a wonderful gift to possess. I do not possess that gift. Often when I speak, the meaning is lost, the question is confusing or the response is harsh. Now that I have turned thirty…I have been gracefully blessed to stutter. Yup. Not fun…and it’s really a pain. But anyway…although I have not been blessed to speak so eloquently, I have been blessed with the gift of writing. I can write just about anything, describe anything, take your mind to a place you have never gone before, or allow every word floating around in your mind to transpire through paper. I love it. It is a release for me. I enjoy it and it sets me free.
I was in a situation not too long ago where someone said to me, “They were just words, Ronny.” Just words. Just words?? Really? Are you negating the fact that words have meaning or do you just speak to hear the audible vibrations come from your diaphragm and shoot through the hole in your face? If words did not have power everybody would be mute. Words are used to express…just as they are used to manipulate. Whether on paper or from your mouth those words are YOUR liability.
You’ve heard the saying “if it sounds to good to be true…it usually is.” When words come from the heart, you feel it, you see it in body language and with eye contact and you hear it with their tone of voice. No matter if they stutter, fumble the words, or say something completely disarray, you are still able to understand what is trying to be conveyed. When someone is speaking from their ass, you usually catch the stench with it. You then have the choice to ignore the stench and try to cover it up with fragrance. Or…you can tell that person (or say it to yourself), I appreciate the time you have taken to speak with me, but until you figure out which hole your voice was meant to be heard from, I will never understand/trust/believe you. Smile…and walk away. Think about the salesman…you know they are doing their job…so you appreciate what they are doing, but you politely decline, smile and walk away. The man that says he wants to marry you and for you to have his baby…when you know he’s said the same to others…beautiful words, eloquently spoken…smile and walk away. True words are backed by actions, feelings and emotion and are not repeated verbatim to another. Repeating the same lines over and over again is called scripted. Eventually that script will get old an you will have to revise it. However, when you speak from your heart, when you truthfully express yourself, its freelance, unscripted, uninhibited and spontaneous. That is what gives your words true meaning and special value. When you speak from your heart you may find that YOU forget exactly what you have said, but the person you were speaking to will cherish, embrace and remember every word.
I was in a situation not too long ago where someone said to me, “They were just words, Ronny.” Just words. Just words?? Really? Are you negating the fact that words have meaning or do you just speak to hear the audible vibrations come from your diaphragm and shoot through the hole in your face? If words did not have power everybody would be mute. Words are used to express…just as they are used to manipulate. Whether on paper or from your mouth those words are YOUR liability.
You’ve heard the saying “if it sounds to good to be true…it usually is.” When words come from the heart, you feel it, you see it in body language and with eye contact and you hear it with their tone of voice. No matter if they stutter, fumble the words, or say something completely disarray, you are still able to understand what is trying to be conveyed. When someone is speaking from their ass, you usually catch the stench with it. You then have the choice to ignore the stench and try to cover it up with fragrance. Or…you can tell that person (or say it to yourself), I appreciate the time you have taken to speak with me, but until you figure out which hole your voice was meant to be heard from, I will never understand/trust/believe you. Smile…and walk away. Think about the salesman…you know they are doing their job…so you appreciate what they are doing, but you politely decline, smile and walk away. The man that says he wants to marry you and for you to have his baby…when you know he’s said the same to others…beautiful words, eloquently spoken…smile and walk away. True words are backed by actions, feelings and emotion and are not repeated verbatim to another. Repeating the same lines over and over again is called scripted. Eventually that script will get old an you will have to revise it. However, when you speak from your heart, when you truthfully express yourself, its freelance, unscripted, uninhibited and spontaneous. That is what gives your words true meaning and special value. When you speak from your heart you may find that YOU forget exactly what you have said, but the person you were speaking to will cherish, embrace and remember every word.
Seeking Silence
To be still…silent…peaceful…serene. A meditative state I escape to. Allowing my mind to rest, thoughts stop processing, visions stop seeing, quiet. Blank. I see black…an infinite amount of space that extends far beyond what we could ever image. No sounds, no feelings. No hurt. No pain. No sadness. Just be. The calm-abiding state…gaining access to the stillness of the calm mind. “When our mind abides in calmness, we gain openness, ease, connectedness, loving-kindness, and insight,” Elliot Dacher.
Through our troubles we learn perseverance. Through our pain we gain strength. Through our ignorance we seek knowledge. Through our sorrows there is love. If you sit in silence long enough, you will experience each transformation with a witnessing mind. Give yourself time to be. Just be. Just be still.
Through our troubles we learn perseverance. Through our pain we gain strength. Through our ignorance we seek knowledge. Through our sorrows there is love. If you sit in silence long enough, you will experience each transformation with a witnessing mind. Give yourself time to be. Just be. Just be still.
Until you pray…it won’t get better.
When is the last time you fell to your knees…only to not get up…and cry. God is not testing you…he’s building you up right? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to believe? Keep the faith. It will get better. Don’t give up. It will work out. You’re strong, you will make it. When? Am I wrong for asking? WHEN? He will not give you more than you can bare. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The scriptures are there. His book is there. I have His book, I see the words, I hear the pastors. But I don’t feel it. I’m sorry God… so sorry…I don’t feel you! WHEN? That scripture…I know I’m doing wrong…I want to do right…but I still do wrong…maybe 2 Corinthians? Am I doing something wrong? Did I not listen enough? WHEN? I’m reaching but can’t grab you…I don’t even know if I can see you anymore…I can’t feel you. WHEN? I WANT you. I NEED you. Please come to me! WHEN! Did I miss it? Did you send all the ships to save me and I turn them away instead? Am I blind? Am I deaf? Cause I. Can’t. Feel. You. And I need you…so badly I need you…to get up from my knees…just please help me get off my knees. I can’t stay down here anymore…my kids need me and I’m on my knees…they cannot see me cry. I don’t’ want them to see me cry anymore. They can’t see their mommy broken no more…I’m tired…just tired. Please. Just please…please…God please.
My Love…I Let Go
I’ve already written what I thought I wanted to say…just to skip over it and start writing again…just to hit delete and start writing again. My Love…where do I begin. I let him go. Why? It was time. Is it forever? I don’t know…Kem says if its love it’ll last forever you just can‘t stop the show…so I guess I’ll find out how much love is between us if the show is in the archives or destroyed. If you’re waiting for me to bash My Love…sorry to disappoint you. If anyone would be bashed it would be me. I cut him off. No warning no nothing. I just did it. I needed to do it. If you’ve read my previous posts then you should already know that I am going through a time where I am really starting to question relationship, love and trust. I don’t trust My Love…he knows that already. Don’t get me wrong…I was starting to. It became real easy to see him everyday…talk to him every day…spend hours…days…and nights together. Seemed like life was almost a fantasy…captured in My Love. Why end it? When you spend a lot of time with someone, you get to know them. You get to recognize their behaviors, their patterns, their habits…their body language. I understand My Love…more than he realizes. To be with him means I have to be okay with certain aspects of our relationship…and I’m just not. I tried…but I just can’t do it. But then that leaves me to wonder, if the aspects of a relationship I AM okay with, the type of relationship I want, is it really out there? Does it truly exist? I don’t know. But what I do know…is that it is not existing with My Love and as much as I want it to it’s not. He’s says maybe it’s me…maybe it is. I don’t trust. Trust is a big part of any relationship. He says he loves me and has been trying to show it everyday… I have seen it… I appreciate it…I love him for it…will his love still be there as I try to figure this out? I don’t know…that is not for me to answer. All I know is my heart has battle wounds that have yet to be healed…scar tissue keeping new life from forming…and a whole lot of fear that I do not know the source of. I personally believe something happened to me that I have blocked out, never grieved for or never dealt with. Something/someone is in the way and I need to take the time to peel through the layers and get to the core.
They're Fat Because of YOU.
Kids are getting fatter by the minute...why because of YOU! Parents that is...it is our fault and we need to take responsibility for it. I personally am no perfectionist when it comes to what my kids eat. However, I do know that when my kids eat McDonald's, Pizza or any type of junk food, it's a given that we will be at the playground for at least an hour in the same day. Then again, now that is almost summer, we are at the playground every day regardless of what my kids eat. I'm sitting in McDonald's as I type this and am mad because they replaced the playground with a flatscreen TV. The McDonald's near my home replaced the playground with computers. The other McDonald's near my home didn't replace anything...they just took the playground out...just cause. So because there is no playground, and my kids are not groomed to sit in front of a television...my five year old is driving me crazy hopping up and down in his seat and running back and forth to the soda machine (which by the way my kids often choose diet Pepsi). So anyway...as I was saying...we as adults need to teach our children how to eat, how to get exercise and how to find a healthy balance of the two. TREAT your kids to fast food, don't condition them on it as an everyday thing. Don't let them get the supersized. A kids meal will do. If they're still hungry...get them the apple dippers or the fruit parfait. The trick is...you have to act like it's special. Don't be like....ehhhh ya want the apples? Be like, Hey they have those apple dippers here!! They even come with caramel! Kids will feel your enthusiasm...from apple dippers, to vegetables, to baked fish. YOU set the tone so be mindful of your choices and your actions. Don't go to sleep after a big meal...get outside and do something instead. Your kids will thank you later...and YOU will be grateful when your child outlives you instead of the other way around. Today's generation is being predicted to die faster than their parents because of obesity. Think about it...
Stringing Me Along?…How Bout I Cut That String for You…
Don’t blame me for your anger…don’t blame me for your pain.
Don’t blame me for the same mistakes repeated time again.
I blame myself for stepping in, my baggage still not empty.
Because of that my heart was hard and fought what love you sent me.
You hate that I don’t trust in anything you say or do.
I cannot help you fed me shit and saved the cake for you.
You ask me what else you can give. Some truth and loyalty.
Be committed. Stop the games. Invest your love in me.
If that’s too hard then say goodbye...but don’t string me along.
Tank… I Can’t Make You Love Me. Listen to that song.
I love you but as time goes by it just becomes too much.
There is no trust…for now I think it’s best your string be cut.
Don’t blame me for the same mistakes repeated time again.
I blame myself for stepping in, my baggage still not empty.
Because of that my heart was hard and fought what love you sent me.
You hate that I don’t trust in anything you say or do.
I cannot help you fed me shit and saved the cake for you.
You ask me what else you can give. Some truth and loyalty.
Be committed. Stop the games. Invest your love in me.
If that’s too hard then say goodbye...but don’t string me along.
Tank… I Can’t Make You Love Me. Listen to that song.
I love you but as time goes by it just becomes too much.
There is no trust…for now I think it’s best your string be cut.
Looking Within Myself
So lately, meaning the last couple of months maybe since Feb/Mar, I have been questioning a lot about relationships, love, trust…just the whole system within yourself that is the functional center piece of these things. You will probably see me write a lot on these topics because I would say they are at the forefront of my mind most days. Relationships, love and trust are not just something I think about regarding My Love, but with my kids, family, friends and co-workers as well. I know that even if My Love were not in the picture, I would still have to utilize these things and be capable of understanding them for anybody’s sake, especially my own, and not just his.
Well anyway, I’m reading this book for my class called “Integral Health: The Path to Human Flourishing” by Elliott S. Dacher. I have to say…this is the first time I’ve been in school and excited to do the reading for class and can’t wait to see what our lesson is about. Just so you know…the class is actually about stress and managing stress. But back to what I was saying…between this book and the Bible, I have learned so much about myself that it’s ridiculous. To admit I truly have a closed heart is not very hard for me because I do it on purpose…I never knew WHY…until I was reading last night. I remember having a conversation with My Love one night about our relationship…and he was like “what are you so afraid of? You’re afraid of SOMETHING what is it?” and I could not give an answer because even though I knew I was afraid too, I did not know why. I often wonder if something happened to me in my past that I just cannot remember… especially when it comes to men. But like I said, I can’t remember so it really does not help me now. But back to the book. Dacher points out on page 94...”We all know from personal experience how it feels to fully love and be loved. Yet too often the love we give and receive is more about ourselves than about others. We fear so we cannot be vulnerable. We protect ourselves so we cannot be fully open. We need control so we cannot fully surrender. We crave attention so we cannot be devotional. But as we expand our consciousness, we soften these barriers and our heart and arms slowly open.” So deep. So profound. So true…at least for me. I have an answer. To pray for an answer for what seemed to be FOREVER…and to receive it is truly a blessing. I thank God every day because it’s just another testament that He hears me, loves me and is helping me understand myself, whilst also getting to know and understand Him. Vulnerability is replaced with protection for me because of fear and the need to be in control. Why am I afraid…I’m pretty sure it has to do with getting heart. Nobody wants to be hurt. Nobody wants to fully love and not get it back in return. Sometimes we may let our guard down for the wrong person just for him/her to take advantage of it and use it against us. That’s painful…devastating…it can truly crush you and your spirit. But we have the choice to close our hearts to everyone else because of what happened, or to keep an open heart for the right person/people to find. It’s a difficult choice for me. To be open and vulnerable is really not my thing…but for me to be able to love and trust…it is something I need to learn and I am trying my best to do so.
Well anyway, I’m reading this book for my class called “Integral Health: The Path to Human Flourishing” by Elliott S. Dacher. I have to say…this is the first time I’ve been in school and excited to do the reading for class and can’t wait to see what our lesson is about. Just so you know…the class is actually about stress and managing stress. But back to what I was saying…between this book and the Bible, I have learned so much about myself that it’s ridiculous. To admit I truly have a closed heart is not very hard for me because I do it on purpose…I never knew WHY…until I was reading last night. I remember having a conversation with My Love one night about our relationship…and he was like “what are you so afraid of? You’re afraid of SOMETHING what is it?” and I could not give an answer because even though I knew I was afraid too, I did not know why. I often wonder if something happened to me in my past that I just cannot remember… especially when it comes to men. But like I said, I can’t remember so it really does not help me now. But back to the book. Dacher points out on page 94...”We all know from personal experience how it feels to fully love and be loved. Yet too often the love we give and receive is more about ourselves than about others. We fear so we cannot be vulnerable. We protect ourselves so we cannot be fully open. We need control so we cannot fully surrender. We crave attention so we cannot be devotional. But as we expand our consciousness, we soften these barriers and our heart and arms slowly open.” So deep. So profound. So true…at least for me. I have an answer. To pray for an answer for what seemed to be FOREVER…and to receive it is truly a blessing. I thank God every day because it’s just another testament that He hears me, loves me and is helping me understand myself, whilst also getting to know and understand Him. Vulnerability is replaced with protection for me because of fear and the need to be in control. Why am I afraid…I’m pretty sure it has to do with getting heart. Nobody wants to be hurt. Nobody wants to fully love and not get it back in return. Sometimes we may let our guard down for the wrong person just for him/her to take advantage of it and use it against us. That’s painful…devastating…it can truly crush you and your spirit. But we have the choice to close our hearts to everyone else because of what happened, or to keep an open heart for the right person/people to find. It’s a difficult choice for me. To be open and vulnerable is really not my thing…but for me to be able to love and trust…it is something I need to learn and I am trying my best to do so.
What’s wrong with her…why she so quiet?
When I was little I was VERY shy. I can remember being at somebody’s house for HOURS just sitting in the same spot on the sofa, not saying word and watching the other kids play. I stayed very close to my mom or dad wherever we went and would freak out inside if they were dropping us off to be babysat or something. I often wonder how I ended up being so shy, especially because I am the youngest of six kids. Our house was often full of people and friends and there I was, off hiding somewhere…freaked out by it all, until I got comfortable enough to come out. When I think about it…it’s just ridiculous. But that’s just how it was…and sometimes still is. Being shy as a kid is sometimes not so bad because sometimes others think it’s cute and make an effort to get to know you. But it’s when it stays with you as you grow up, that it can really affect you in a negative way…at least it did for me. I hated school…all of it. Elementary, junior high and high school. I don’t remember a lot about it, but I do remember hating it. Every day to get on that bus and go to that place annoyed the hell out of me ‘cause I’d have much rather stayed home. Being shy always annoyed my mom and my sister. My dad is very reserved himself, I wouldn‘t say shy, but he never bothered me about it. But even today, I can hear in my head the many times my mom or sister would yell at me and say, “Speak up! You better learn to talk! Open your mouth Marie!” I can laugh about it now, but boy did they always get on my nerves with that! So anyway…does being shy affect me now? Definitely. I can talk, I can open my mouth and I can speak up now compared to when I was younger…but that is not without concentrated effort and years of practice. I read somewhere that in order to overcome being shy, you have to practice being outgoing…you know…fake it ‘til you make it. I’ve faked it long enough to where it is somewhat natural for me to speak to others…but the anxiety, nerves and stress behind being shy unfortunately still remain. I get so nervous sometimes I feel like I need to throw up, I sweat profusely and when it’s all over I have a headache. For a short time I was a military wife…being shy does NOT help in that situation. It’s probably part of the reason the marriage ended. Some outgoing people can get very frustrated by shy people…they sometimes just don’t understand it and regard it as something negative. Or they think they are helping by setting you up…you know, leaving you with a bunch of people you don’t know while he/she disappears…I understand they are trying to help, but that is the worst thing you can do…at least for me. I will not appreciate you for that at all. Well anyway…by the time I opened up enough to meet people and gain friends, it was time to move and to start all over again. SUPER stressful for me, but it wasn’t for him. He could make 10 friends in a day where I was lucky to come out with just ONE after a year. So…as I am writing this, My Love says, “YOU shy? Yea right, that’s a façade. Shy people don’t go out by themselves…like to a bar by themselves like you do. You’re not shy.” I take that as a compliment J Because that took YEARS of practice to get to the point I am at today. I can go to a bar by myself, but I have to give myself a peptalk the entire time I get dressed, during the drive, and not to mention during the 10-15 minutes I’m still sitting in the parking lot trying to get enough nerve to get out the car. But once I’m out, it’s on. I throw on my smile, pick up my pace, and go into where I’m going and make the best of it. So point of this story is…sometimes being shy sucks. But it is a part of me that I accept and have learned to overcome it enough to get through. Being shy kept me from activities and I refuse to let it stop me anymore. On a side note…I have also heard it makes me mysterious…which can be attractive to the opposite sex J hmmmmm…
I Lied...syke!...I'm Lyin :)
To say I have it all figured out would be a lie. To say I always know WHY I do some things would be a lie. So...to keep myself from lying, I follow this very simple concept...I TELL THE TRUTH. Don't understand why it comes so easily for me but I sure wish it came so easily for others. Sometimes I try to convince myself a person is lying to me to protect my feelings...then after a few seconds I say nahhhh bullshit. That person is trying to protect they damn self, they ain't thinking about me. Selfish. Lies occur because you're trying to hide something, keep something from being revealed, such as the truth. Anyone who knows me knows I really have nothing to hide. If you ask me a question I will answer truthfully. If I'm not comfortable doing so, I say so...but I'm not going to make up something just to give you an answer. If I feel you need to know something I will tell you...point blank. Don't ask my opinion if you cannot handle hearing something you may not want to hear. I am obsessed with asking questions. I do so to learn...about you...about what I ask...to hear your perspective...to get an answer...whatever. If I want to know something, I will ask (but don't think I always believe your answer...if it's too far off I will research or follow up with more questions...that's just how I do). If I have a problem with you or something you're doing...I will tell you. Don't like it? Then don't talk to me. And don't try to lie to me either...because not only do I have good instincts but I have a pretty good memory too (unlike someone I know)...but that's a whole nutha story. So I talk about this subject because I see it so often and it's annoying. One of my kids will lie to me and never admit it. My other child will lie at first, then if I ask him if he's lying, he will say yes. I can't be mad because both of them get a part of that from me. I would lie as a child but my parents always knew when I was lying...so I just stayed out of trouble to avoid having to lie. As I grew older...I've just learned it's so much easier to tell the truth and I really don't care if it hurts you. In my mind... you should be grateful and not upset :)
Hula Hoopin
My latest exercise craze is hula hooping and I don't mean with the plastic ones you buy at Toys R Us. Google your area and see if you can find a true hula hoop workshop...I never knew how to hula hoop until I met the ladies at the park. Ladies...want a way to please your man without purchasing a stripper pole? Learn to hula hoop...its the next best thing to the pole...my hips were gyrating like they've never done before...or I should say never as HARD as they have before. Great ab workout while you learn to move...size does not matter..Hula hoopin can be done by the littlest one up to the big girls. There is a hoop out there to fit everyone. Suggestions: try the hoop with water in it, the bigger the hoop the slower it moves and the easier it is to do it, and bring a towel cause it WILL make you sweat.
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