Is there really a such thing as a compromising position? If so, how does one get there? By compromising or not compromising? Things that make me go hmmmmmmmm.
I'm struggling with decisions I am physically making and decisions I am mentally believing. At the same time, I am not feeling guilt or remorse because part of me feels like... "I am doing Me." But then I think... is that being selfish? How can I truly do 'me' without affecting somebody else? I have kids. So when I do Me... am I being a bad mother? What if they don't agree with who "ME" is? Then what? My friends have their opinions of what I should or shouldn't do sometimes... and I have my opinions of what THEY should or shouldn't be doing. But then again... I think to myself, I am not them, so what business of it is mine... regarding what it is they choose to do. I can give my perspective... but in the end it is ultimately their decision as to what they choose to do. Regardless... I will always remain their friend.
Right now... I don't know what to do. I feel like everything has been happening at the right time... the right place... and then WHOA. Either I compromised and put myself in a compromising position... or I didn't compromise and ended up in a compromising position. The point is... I am in a very compromising position and I am not sure what my next move should be. The selfish part of me says, "Fuck it! Girl you've been through so much... just have fun and live your life! Be ashamed of nothing and keep it moving!" Then the empathetic side of me says, "What da hell you doin Ronny? Have you NOT been on the other side? The world does not revolve around YOU. There is a bigger picture and a longer vine that you are choosing to turn a blind eye to! You know how you felt... you know the result. Why keep getting back on the same roller coaster ride when I thought you already found a new way to arrive at your destiny?"
My intentions are not malicious. I want to share my happiness just as others want to receive happiness. I just happened to be able to experience both. It is a GREAT feeling and I like it. I guess I need to figure out if God's hand is over this circumstance and within my position to move me forward... or if He is NOT a part of this position and the position needs to be eliminated . I have a good feeling that the answer is going to come to me very soon. So until then... I am going to bed. Probably a record for me... before 10pm. Goodnight.
I Got Off
Get your mind out the gutter. That's NOT what I am talking about in regards to getting off. I am in a venting mood. Therefore I shall vent. When I started blogging, I advised readers to have an open mind and to not take anything personally, unless it was specifically directed at you. So I will start off by saying... this is for YOU and YOU know who YOU are. Now don't get me wrong... nothing I am about to say is anything I haven't already said to this person, and if for some reason I missed something when I WAS in front of this person, then I would gladly repeat it to their face. So why I am I blogging about it? Because I can! Maybe if I share what I am going through, some other reader will say, "You know what Ronny... I am dealing with the SAME shit! Glad to know I am not alone." That's my purpose of this blog, or actually ANY blog I do. So somebody out there can either relate, or if anything, walk away after having a good laugh and think to themselves, "Damn, maybe my life isn't so bad after all." If somebody has something negative to say about what I say, or do, or how I live... so be it. 'Cause you should already know I really don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks... did u know that?? Just making sure. If you choose to proceed, just know I speak with blogger terms (AKA.. terms I've made up throughout several of my blogs). If you can't hang, I am sorry. Maybe you should catch up and start reading my blogs from the beginning. Otherwise... good luck trying to figure it out.
So the last I spoke about my love life, I believe I was telling you how God sent me a BMW. Well, the BMW turned out to be whack and I had to turn it down. I know what you're thinking... how the HELL can a BMW be whack???? SHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.... I was thinking the SAME THING. smh. So anyway, I turned down the BMW and got right back on the jitney. Stupid mistake... because as I explained before, nobody rides a jitney for long, before you get dropped off and the jitney picks up another passenger. Long story semi-short, jitney dropped me off and I said, "Bye Jitney. I am moving. And where I am moving to... I will never have to ride a jitney again." I guess Jitney thought I was playing, and decided to play a few games too. Jitney would honk a few times, but never stopped to say hello or offer to pick me up. Days go by... weeks go by... still I am walking and avoiding the jitney. Well I guess the Jitney realized it as being avoided and proceeded to not only honk, but to flash its high beams and rev the engine... in hopes I would take another ride. Well I haven't... and don't plan to. That ride is OVA.. did ya hear me??? OVA OVA OVA.
I am a person that will try and try and try and try and try to make something work. If I happen to fall in love... although Lord knows that's RARE, I will do any and everything to try and make it work. Why? Because I need to know (for myself) that I did EVERYTHING possible on MY end, before I walk away. I don't want to walk away from somebody I truly care about, thinking, "Well maybe if I did X Y Z it would have worked." Another reason why it takes me so long to walk away, which is probably the case with MOST people is... that shit got COMFORTABLE! So maybe it wasn't the BEST relationship, but it also wasn't the WORST. I knew a long ass time ago that I wouldn't be on that jitney forever, but for some reason I kept taking the ride. It was a comfortable ride. I could probably stand at the stop right now, and get back on the jitney... but I won't.
The funny thing about this whole jitney story is... the jitney keeps expressing how bad it wants me to take the ride again... but... won't drive around the neighborhood. That makes no sense! How you gonna say you want somebody to take a ride with you, but be no where to be found? BULLSHIT I say. You just want me to WANT THE RIDE, but you have no intentions of taking me to my final destination. So, you can just keep riding around, Jitney. I don't know who you have given rides to since I've stopped, and I truly don't care. I am walking. Yup... WALKING. It might take me longer to get where I am going, but at least I know I won't be driven around in a circle for short, sporadic moments in time.
There is SOMEBODY out there that will walk right next to me, and we will get something far better than a BMW to take us to our final destination TOGETHER.
If I lost you... I warned you. Can't help you either. My brain is not explainable... hence why I blog.
So the last I spoke about my love life, I believe I was telling you how God sent me a BMW. Well, the BMW turned out to be whack and I had to turn it down. I know what you're thinking... how the HELL can a BMW be whack???? SHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.... I was thinking the SAME THING. smh. So anyway, I turned down the BMW and got right back on the jitney. Stupid mistake... because as I explained before, nobody rides a jitney for long, before you get dropped off and the jitney picks up another passenger. Long story semi-short, jitney dropped me off and I said, "Bye Jitney. I am moving. And where I am moving to... I will never have to ride a jitney again." I guess Jitney thought I was playing, and decided to play a few games too. Jitney would honk a few times, but never stopped to say hello or offer to pick me up. Days go by... weeks go by... still I am walking and avoiding the jitney. Well I guess the Jitney realized it as being avoided and proceeded to not only honk, but to flash its high beams and rev the engine... in hopes I would take another ride. Well I haven't... and don't plan to. That ride is OVA.. did ya hear me??? OVA OVA OVA.
I am a person that will try and try and try and try and try to make something work. If I happen to fall in love... although Lord knows that's RARE, I will do any and everything to try and make it work. Why? Because I need to know (for myself) that I did EVERYTHING possible on MY end, before I walk away. I don't want to walk away from somebody I truly care about, thinking, "Well maybe if I did X Y Z it would have worked." Another reason why it takes me so long to walk away, which is probably the case with MOST people is... that shit got COMFORTABLE! So maybe it wasn't the BEST relationship, but it also wasn't the WORST. I knew a long ass time ago that I wouldn't be on that jitney forever, but for some reason I kept taking the ride. It was a comfortable ride. I could probably stand at the stop right now, and get back on the jitney... but I won't.
The funny thing about this whole jitney story is... the jitney keeps expressing how bad it wants me to take the ride again... but... won't drive around the neighborhood. That makes no sense! How you gonna say you want somebody to take a ride with you, but be no where to be found? BULLSHIT I say. You just want me to WANT THE RIDE, but you have no intentions of taking me to my final destination. So, you can just keep riding around, Jitney. I don't know who you have given rides to since I've stopped, and I truly don't care. I am walking. Yup... WALKING. It might take me longer to get where I am going, but at least I know I won't be driven around in a circle for short, sporadic moments in time.
There is SOMEBODY out there that will walk right next to me, and we will get something far better than a BMW to take us to our final destination TOGETHER.
If I lost you... I warned you. Can't help you either. My brain is not explainable... hence why I blog.
For All We Do
I went on a field trip with my son today. All I have to say is... I have no desire to be an elementary school teacher! The group was pretty good though, a small group and they followed directions well. However, once their lunch kicked in... WHOA! That's when I was ready to go.
I just forgot why I initially started this blog... probably because I just got home about 20 minutes ago and all I keep hearing is Mommy can I... Mommy can I... Mommy can we... Mommy Mommy Mommy. LAWD HAVE MERCY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE! ... and you wonder why I don't want to teach kids. Be with them ALLLLL day, and then come home to mine??? Ya crazy.
Well, hopefully I can reel my thoughts back in. While I was driving home, I kept thinking about what my parents went through to give us a good childhood. I am the youngest of six ish (one of my sisters didn't live with us) and I don't know HOW my parents did it. I have two and LAWD! They drive me NUTS! Every day it's... what's for breakfast, what's for lunch, what's for dinner... I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry... I know we just had a buffet for dinner, but can we have a snack? How come I can't do this? How come I can't do that? Ugh! We NEVER get to do anything, you NEVER buy us this, you NEVER take us anywhere, we NEVER... we NEVER... we NEVER... FINE! maybe not NEVER but you don't do it ALL the time MOM!
I know I do a lot for my kids... and I also realize that they will never realize it or admit it until they have a kid themselves. That's what I realized today (well probably another day too... but once you have more than one kid, your memory starts to go :) But anyway... my siblings and I all did sports, played an instrument, and I'm sure we drove my parents crazy too. I remember my mother telling us we were ungrateful at times. Looking back... yea we were... at least sometimes. I don't remember my mom or dad going on any of my field trips. Probably because they were working everyday. My kids wear Nike and Jordans... I remember my dad bought me a pair of red ProWings from PayLess shoe store. WOW. My brothers had a FIELD day with that! and joked me til no end. Or what about the day my dad came home with matching shorts and tank tops for my brothers from ShopRite... a GROCERY STORE! and my brother crying because the pair he got was purple. He insisted boys don't wear purple and my dad was like "why not?" LMAO! memories.
So anyway.. I think the point of my blog was... there are many things I choose to do without... just so my kids can have things or do things. Don't get me wrong... the goal is to be able to NOT have to do without and all of us have our share of cake. I just ain't there yet. My parents went through a LOT to raise six kids and put four through college. I think I mentioned in a blog before about how my dad ran me around from track practice, to piano lessons, to gymnastics every week for two years... while attending my brothers' football games, working a full time job as a State Trooper and being a husband to my mom and supporting a family of eight. Crazy! I NOW can empathize... somewhat...but my kids have absolutely no idea what we parents go through. They just don't get it... and I don't expect them to get it... but it will be a very rewarding day... when they DO get it.
So on that note... I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day (here on my sofa) and listen to my kids play, then argue, then play, then argue... when they are supposed to be cleaning their room, and I will stare at the pile of clean clothes in the basket that should be put away one day, wonder what we're going to eat for dinner, paint my toenails because they look awful, hope I don't have any writing deadlines due, and pray my kids fall asleep early... just to get up tomorrow, cook breakfast, prepare for a football game... and then... and then... and then. It never stops... but I wouldn't change it for the world :)
I just forgot why I initially started this blog... probably because I just got home about 20 minutes ago and all I keep hearing is Mommy can I... Mommy can I... Mommy can we... Mommy Mommy Mommy. LAWD HAVE MERCY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE! ... and you wonder why I don't want to teach kids. Be with them ALLLLL day, and then come home to mine??? Ya crazy.
Well, hopefully I can reel my thoughts back in. While I was driving home, I kept thinking about what my parents went through to give us a good childhood. I am the youngest of six ish (one of my sisters didn't live with us) and I don't know HOW my parents did it. I have two and LAWD! They drive me NUTS! Every day it's... what's for breakfast, what's for lunch, what's for dinner... I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry... I know we just had a buffet for dinner, but can we have a snack? How come I can't do this? How come I can't do that? Ugh! We NEVER get to do anything, you NEVER buy us this, you NEVER take us anywhere, we NEVER... we NEVER... we NEVER... FINE! maybe not NEVER but you don't do it ALL the time MOM!
I know I do a lot for my kids... and I also realize that they will never realize it or admit it until they have a kid themselves. That's what I realized today (well probably another day too... but once you have more than one kid, your memory starts to go :) But anyway... my siblings and I all did sports, played an instrument, and I'm sure we drove my parents crazy too. I remember my mother telling us we were ungrateful at times. Looking back... yea we were... at least sometimes. I don't remember my mom or dad going on any of my field trips. Probably because they were working everyday. My kids wear Nike and Jordans... I remember my dad bought me a pair of red ProWings from PayLess shoe store. WOW. My brothers had a FIELD day with that! and joked me til no end. Or what about the day my dad came home with matching shorts and tank tops for my brothers from ShopRite... a GROCERY STORE! and my brother crying because the pair he got was purple. He insisted boys don't wear purple and my dad was like "why not?" LMAO! memories.
So anyway.. I think the point of my blog was... there are many things I choose to do without... just so my kids can have things or do things. Don't get me wrong... the goal is to be able to NOT have to do without and all of us have our share of cake. I just ain't there yet. My parents went through a LOT to raise six kids and put four through college. I think I mentioned in a blog before about how my dad ran me around from track practice, to piano lessons, to gymnastics every week for two years... while attending my brothers' football games, working a full time job as a State Trooper and being a husband to my mom and supporting a family of eight. Crazy! I NOW can empathize... somewhat...but my kids have absolutely no idea what we parents go through. They just don't get it... and I don't expect them to get it... but it will be a very rewarding day... when they DO get it.
So on that note... I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day (here on my sofa) and listen to my kids play, then argue, then play, then argue... when they are supposed to be cleaning their room, and I will stare at the pile of clean clothes in the basket that should be put away one day, wonder what we're going to eat for dinner, paint my toenails because they look awful, hope I don't have any writing deadlines due, and pray my kids fall asleep early... just to get up tomorrow, cook breakfast, prepare for a football game... and then... and then... and then. It never stops... but I wouldn't change it for the world :)
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