Butterflies

I tend to do a lot of thinking... soul searching... learning... watching ... determining ... defining... you name it... about love. It's just fascinating to me when I learn about myself and others and how we love or receive love so differently... but yet we're the same in that we all want love.

I was tweeting when I expressed that I feel like my love is being stifled. I went through a long period of time where I didn't know how to experience love. Sounds crazy to me as I type this... but it's true. Until you learn to experience love within yourself ... you cannot truly experience the real deal anywhere else. I was married and tried everything I knew to show that man I loved him. The problem was... I didn't even KNOW myself to be attempting such a strong act. I was trying to give something that I really didn't have in myself. I LIKED myself, but I never really LOVED myself. I had a lot of insecurities, issues, identity issues... when I got married. I had stopped being an athlete, and became a graduate, a mother and a wife... in a span of THREE MONTHS. Talk about IDENTITY CRISIS! I didn't know what I wanted or how to even love myself because I threw myself into my man and my baby. I had nothing left for me... and that's when everything started to fall apart.

When you are at rock bottom within yourself, it makes it very easy for others to walk all over you and treat you like dirt...because that's where you are mentally... at the bottom.

It was a long process/journey to get where I am today. I would say its been about a year and a half before I was able to build myself up strong enough to regard myself at the top... and to not allow anyone or anything to change my state of mind.

So to get back to my initial comment... I feel like my love is being stifled. I say this because I am at a point in my life where I am so free. I want to do everything. Every day is like smelling the roses and welcoming life. I laugh, I enjoy, I believe, I just really can't explain it other than I am truly happy and enjoying my life. I have so much love for myself that it is spilling over. I have lots of love to give and keep trying to give some away, but one person in particular won't allow my butterfly wings to spread. Make sense? I don't know WHAT it is, but for some reason I am not allowed to fly when I am near this person. It's like I flew into a net... I can still breath, still see my surrounding, and I'm flapping like crazy... but going nowhere. Then once I leave this persons presence I can fly again. I just wonder why this person keeps trying to catch me with a net? Just let me fly near you! Open your damn wings and fly too! Then we can fly off together!  lol okay... the last line sounded kind of corny, but you get my point?? If I keep feeling stifled... I will have to find a new place to fly to where other butterflies want to join me in my journey.

Hope I made sense... cause it makes sense to me :)